Even though I don’t cook, and have little interest in, or aptitude for hospitality, whenever Thanksgiving rolls around I can’t help but think of Martha Stewart. This is largely due to my friend P.J., who is a high priestess in the Church of Martha, a cult which exists to create and serve tasty cocktails and hors d’oeuvres around the holidays, and which, were they to merge with the Catholic Church, would undoubtedly make for a very swinging communion.
Speaking of the clergy, Pastor Swank also has Martha Stewart on this mind. Martha Stewart and…MURDER! Or at any rate, Mrs. Swank apparently wants to put the doyenne of upper middle class home economics on ice; but Martha has survived the exercise yard and the lesbian wrestling matches in the ladies correctional institution shower room, so sticking a shiv in her may not be quite so easy as La Swank believes.
I THOUGHT MY WIFE WOULD SHARPEN KNIVES WHEN MARTHA STEWART BOILED SARAH PALIN
She was not ready to hoist our turkey knife-upward either. She was livid. She was after Martha Stewart. For certain.
And this wife of mine is a Martha Stewart loyal royal. She loves her show. Martha says it; it’s true. My wife even tried the recipe mimic.
As seen in the 1997 film Recipe Mimic, in which Martha Stewart (Mira Sorvino), creates a powerful insecticide out of ordinary items you find around the house, in order to keep roaches out of the kitchen during holiday meal preparation. All goes well, until three years later, when authorities discover the substance has triggered the evolution of a species of super-insect that can mimic the appearance and culinary repertoire of Rachel Ray.
But no more. When Priscilla learned that Stewart went after Sarah Palin, finis! Sarah Palin is not God. But Palin is indeed a choice one for Priscilla.
Great, we could use a hot girl-on-girl scene right about now. I see it as a combination of The Bishop’s Wife and Bound, with Sarah Palin as an angel sent to help Pastor Swank finally build a church that’s not in his living room, except she falls for Priscilla, and the two plot to steal the construction funds and frame Swank, leading to a violent and deadly climax in the nave (which is awkward, because the chancel doubles as the Swank’s entertainment center, forcing the two women to squeegee the blood off the TV screen before they can watch The L Word).
Gov. Sarah Palin (L) and Mrs. Priscilla Swank (R) in Dial M for Martha.
So Stewart was asked what she thought of Palin. I saw it with my own eyes. And as far as I could tell, Stewart’s eyes drooped in a condescending fall. The lids were all but on the floor.
The only thing worse than being patronized by falling eyeballs is having to pick up after haughty female media magnates when they leave their lids all over the red carpet.
Stewart let it be known in that soft, cutting voice of the elite that Palin was “boring.” Palin is so boring that Stewart would not even care to walk across the street to hear one syllable from the former Alaskan Governor. Further, Palin is not only stiff board, she’s “dangerous” for any country. Just plain dangerous. She is not good stuff, in other words.
Well, I don’t know how “dangerous” Palin is, but she may indeed be “not good stuff” (although I believe she gave the “stiff board” to Rich Lowry.)
When I told her what media was telecasting, Priscilla was a bit suspicious that I had fallen into hyperbole.
But when Priscilla heard with her own ears those nasty terms sliding off the kitchen mistress’ tongue, Priscilla just about slid all the knives from her own cabinet onto the fighting field. Priscilla looked to me as if she were after blood.
Why do I think this probably wasn’t the first time Mrs. Swank pulled a knife and looked at the Pastor with murder in her eyes?
After all, there are some moral bases that cannot be crossed without battle begun. I guessed in an instant that the garrisons were being called up and children should run for cover.
Oh great, now she’s Peter Lorre from M (“Hey look, Hon, there’s a balloon trapped in the telephone wires. I think Mrs. Swank has killed again.”)
Stewart, with all her cute phrases and courteous glances toward one show guest or another was now no friend of Wifey. Stewart’s lush pad and come-back from prison cell was no bait for Priscilla’s liking.
And I can’t say I blame her. I go right along with her analysis of the Cooking Queen.
I predict Swank will regret agreeing with Wifey, because now he’s going to have to help her move the body.
Stewart has lost with us common folk who have brains working for what is decent and logical.
Stewart has tightened all the more with the crusty liberals, dittoing their mantras and bedding down with their tripe.
According to the Urban Dictionary, “bedding down with tripe” is also known as the “Full Menudo” or the “Philadelphia Pepper Pot,” while “dittoing the mantra” is basically a “rusty trombone,” made slightly more hygienic by the “player” wearing a pair of wax lips.
Any questions, just ask Priscilla. She’s ready with the verbiage—out and about and up and down and left to right, no end in sight.
Word to your mother.
Further, as I see her marching up the avenue, I note quite a line of like-minded pot-banging females screaming at the pines.
Suckiest. Vision Quest. Ever.