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Travel Day

Posted by scott on November 30th, 2008

Normal blogging should resume tomorrow. Assuming the swelling goes down…

Post Friday Beast Blogging: The “Kubler-Ross Does Cats” Edition

Posted by scott on November 29th, 2008

As soon as the suitcases come out, the household’s quadrupedal contingent immediately launches into the Five Stages of Grief. Here’s a taste of what we had to deal with while preparing to depart for New Orleans…
Cat: Riley
Stage: Denial

Riley toughs it out by adopting the posture of a penitentiary lifer, hanging her arms through the bars and making obscene kissing noises as the New Meat arrives on the cellblock.

Cat: Moondoggie
Stage: Bargaining

“I’ll stop pouting when you stop packing.”

Wild Things | 11 Comments »

Happy Thanksgiving

Posted by scott on November 27th, 2008

Damp, Disembodied Harlequin Head hopes everybody has a safe and happy holiday celebration, and urges you to pause for a moment and remember all the wonderful things you have to be thankful for, or else he’ll come to you in your nightmares.

Happy Turkey Day, guys.

Happy Holidays | 9 Comments »

Alligator Tastes Just Like Turkey!

Posted by scott on November 26th, 2008

We’re flying out Wednesday morning and spending the long weekend in New Orleans. Blogging should continue, depending on the availability of WiFi, and the strength and frequency of alcohol toxemia, but I wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy Turkey Day. We have much to be thankful for this year.

Now, in honor of the upcoming feast, we present the following PSA, entitled, “TV’s Frank’s Heart.”

WPvideo 1.10

Happy Holidays, Video Village | 17 Comments »

Hey, I Think She Just Winked Emailed Me!

Posted by scott on November 24th, 2008

Like most men in America who are enrolled in frequent flyer programs, I sat up a little straighter in my chair this morning when I turned on my computer and found a message from Alaska governor Sarah Palin:

Imagine the thrill that ran up my leg when I realized that she wanted to help me — little old me, Scott the Blogger — to plan my next vacation to Real America. And naturally, as a red-blooded American male, I immediately clicked on the governor’s link; because while I’m no Todd Palin, I’m still man enough that I refuse to take Rich Lowry’s sloppy seconds.

As if her alluring smile, and a chance to breathe the same air as the GOP’s 2012 front runner weren’t enough, the governor thoughtfully ticked off some of her state’s unique attractions:

As Governor of Alaska, I am pleased to welcome you to the Alaska Travel Industry Association’s website. Alaska is different from every other destination in the world.

To start with, every other destination in the world outside of Alaska is a different place. So that’s one difference right there.

Every day offers an unforgettable memory: a mother moose and calf…

Custom made for mother/daughter hunting trips. You shoot the cow, while your little girl shoots the calf (the calf, much being smaller, can be felled with a lighter caliber, even a .22, if you pump enough into it. It’s the same basic theory behind the Child’s Menu at Denny’s).

glaciers and mountains…

The mountains just kind of sit there, but the glaciers have real Shrinky Dink™ Action!

unique Native cultures…

Come enjoy our colorful heathens before they’re dragged by demons down into the slavering maw of Hell.

our Russian legacy…

…basically a guy in Skagway named Feodor who makes nesting dolls. But if you take home a set of his beautifully hand-painted matroyshkas, you’ll not only have a lovely keepsake, you’ll also enjoy the sort of foreign policy cred that experience just can’t buy.

…and Gold Rush days.

Relive the heady days of the Klondike, when Sourdoughs spent their gold dust on crazed shopping sprees at the most exclusive and upscale general stores, before returning to their mining camps in designer parkas, veal-skin gloves, handcrafted Italian hipwaders, and boxer shorts made from the finest beaver pelt.

Even lifelong Alaskans are amazed!

And we nearly re-elected a felon who was convicted on seven counts of bribery, so you can imagine how hard it is to get us to react to any stimuli at all!

And we have a wide range of accommodations and dining to suit every budget.

Although our state travel guidelines recommend that you spend like you’re rich, but act like you’re lower middle class, that way you won’t smack of elitism.

Enjoy your online visit to Alaska, and I hope you’ll come to visit the “Great Land” soon.

Come pal around with the right kind of folks, folks who see this great country the way you and I do!*

*Please check Official Rules for eligibility. The following are prohibited from participating in this promotion: Employees of Alaska Airlines or their relatives, domestic terrorists, witches, librarians, or turkeys. Offer void in UnAmerica.

MORE good news! | 17 Comments »

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Hollywood Squares Edition

Posted by scott on November 23rd, 2008

“Yes, Peter, I’ll take Moondoggie to block, please.”

“You said I could be Paul Lynde this time…”

Wild Things | 10 Comments »

“Men in Drag at the White House?”

Posted by s.z. on November 22nd, 2008

Sorry I haven’t been around for a while. It seems that my life has turned into an episode of some earnest ’70s TV show (perhaps “Quincy, M.E.”), mixed with a ’70s crime show (“Baretta,” maybe).

So, I am way late in sharing with you this important story from the AFA about how J. Edger Hoover might be attending the White House Christmas party.

“Men in Drag at the White House?” AKA Obama offers ‘open door’ to gender-confused (OneNewsNow.com)

A conservative activist is expressing alarm over president-elect Barack Obama’s plan to expand a Clinton-era executive order that provides special protections for federal employees based on their sexual behavior.

And by “sexual behavior,” he means “any activity performed while not being hetrosexual.”

The Obama-Biden transition team has included both “sexual orientation” and “gender identity” in its non-discrimination policy for applicants for employment in the incoming Obama administration. President Bush, much to the chagrin of many social conservatives, did not overturn Bill Clinton’s executive order prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Bush was such a disappointment to many wingnuts, what with his failure to allow blatant discrimination against people who don’t deserve any First Amendment protections, and also his opening of the White House to dangerous Korans. Maybe he was really a Democratic mole the whole time.

However, the Clinton order does not address so-called gender identity.

Word of Obama’s planned executive order has excited his allies on the left. Christopher Anders, senior legislative counsel with the American Civil Liberties Union, says “president-elect Obama and vice president-elect Biden, by explicitly rejecting the bigotry and intolerance of the past, are committing that gay, lesbian, and transgender professionals can serve in government without fear of discrimination.”

Yeah, if the ACLU approves of all of this rejection of bigotry and intolerence, then it HAS to be evil!

Peter LaBarbera, president of Americans for Truth About Homosexuality, says Obama’s new non-discrimination policy will be an “open door” for gender-confused and cross-dressing federal employees.

Yes, if we don’t discriminate against them, then the federal goverment will almost certainly be overrun with millions of transgendered
civil servants, all clamering for equal rights and the use of restrooms. (And I guess the cross-dressers will show up too, once they hear that the door is now open.)

“What’s the Obama administration going to do to protect women in federal restrooms?” the activist asks.

Good question. I think that a federal task force on “Protecting Women in Federal Restrooms From Transgender Cooties” should be established post haste! I will volunteer to serve on such a task force (if the pay is right), having actually shared a federal restroom with a transgendered woman back in the ’90. While it was considered no big deal by anyone on our floor back then, it was during the free-wheeling Clinton administration, and I guess women have become a lot more needing of protection since then.

“Since men [wearing] dresses apparently are going to be protected under gender-identity provisions, what about the women in the restrooms in the White House and other federal buildings? What’s going to be done to protect their rights?”

I was trying to decide where in the Bill of Rights it mentions ”The Right to Pee In a Room Where the Transgendered Aren’t Allowed to Use the Facilities,” but I decided that LaBarbera must be referring to the right to not freely associate one’s urine with immoral urine.

LaBarbera even wonders if there is going to have to be a new federal outlay for the building of new “gender-free, transgender restrooms.”

And I even wonder if LaBarbera can get any stupider . . . and then I realize that each of our questions is rhetorical.

Uncategorized | 33 Comments »

As Long As We’re Bailing Out CEOs…

Posted by scott on November 20th, 2008

Bill O’Reilly, as you may recall, doesn’t believe that any homeless veterans exist in this country as a result of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now this may seem to contradict observable reality, but you have to remember, this is Bill’s opinion, which is worth millions of dollars a year to FoxNews, thus making it one of the finest opinions that money can buy. So which would you trust — facts, which are free, and let’s face it, you get what you pay for — or an exclusive opinion hand-crafted from the most luxurious preconceptions, and covered in rich, Corinthian rationalization. Also, it helps to remember that while FoxNews pays for O’Reilly’s opinions, they don’t own the man himself, and he remains a rugged individualist, unpredictable, non-ideological, an independent thinker who can always be counted on to take a surprisingly contrarian view, often in the face of clear, contravening facts and evidence, especially if the guy opposite Bill is a pinhead, or wants to raise his taxes.

Now recently, Bill grudgingly conceded that yes, some returning veterans are homeless, but insists that their condition is due to drug use rather than PTSD (it’s well known that taking painkillers fills one with an almost irresistible urge to sleep on a grate, because the rising steam helps to loosen up your bowels and relieve the constipation associated with opiates). In other words, they’re not victims, they’re bums, which means the problem isn’t war, it’s class war. Some reasonable people may, however, disagree.

Survivor Corps, for instance, is an organization that focuses reintegration and mental health services for returning vets at the community level:

Within the United States there are over one and a half million service members that have served in military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. Over thirty thousand have been physically wounded, but many more have experienced less visible, psychological wounds. Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have emerged as signature injuries of these conflicts, with recent reports suggesting an increase in rates of suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, homelessness, and domestic violence among returning service members and veterans. [...]

The successful reintegration of returning service members is an issue that will have a long-lasting impact on American society, and may become the single defining struggle facing this new generation of veterans. Survivor Corps and its partners are determined to avoid the mistakes made when veterans returned from Vietnam, which resulted in tens of thousands of post-war suicides and over 200,000 men and women living on the streets.

[...] Survivor Corps will build peer support programs at the community level that will bring service members and veterans together for mutual support and encourage both individual responsibility and collective action to help others in need.

As the great John Rogers of Kung Fu Monkey says:

There’s a tragic culture of shame around suicide and depression in this country, making it very hard for people to reach out for help without feeling as if they’ve failed in some way. The idea that veterans will be dealing primarily with other veterans with shared experiences is a great way of mitigating that vulnerability.

I know Bill offered carfare to transport every homeless veteran in America to John Edwards’ house, but sometimes displays of colossal insensitivity and a spirit of schoolboy prankishness by a lavishly-compensated blowhard just isn’t enough to solve today’s life or death issues. As Rogers remarks:

Not everyone needs this help, of course, but those who do need it desperately. I know that times are tough, but if you can, please swing by and toss the price of a large pizza in the pot for them.

Click here if you can help. Thanks.

Now a word from our sponsor | 12 Comments »

Jonah: I’d Like Paul Krugman To Pants Me, Too!

Posted by scott on November 18th, 2008

Shorter Jonah Goldberg in the LA Times:

If Obama doesn’t immediately pledge to do nothing about the economy, he risks becoming just another failed president like FDR.

“Okay, that’s a really good question. If they only want the Triple Whopper with the fries, but they don’t want to Super Size, then ask if they’d like to get the Combo Meal Deal for only 49 cents more, because that comes with a medium drink. Okay, here’s another scenario that’ll have your manager runnin’ to find the register keys…(HOLD FOR LAUGHTER)…Say your customer orders the Loaded Steakhouse Burger, but he wants to substitute French Toast Sticks for the fries, because he’s got a coupon…”

Revenge of the Nerds | 14 Comments »

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Posted by scott on November 18th, 2008

Back in February of 2007, s.z. pegged Marsha West as a Wingnut to Watch, but sadly, we haven’t heard a great deal from her since. Perhaps she’s been busy writing her “series of books about a Christian family and the cultural issues they face. Her books equip kids to defend their faith and live for Christ.” Or maybe she’s been consumed with her duties as “Founder and Editor of Email Brigade News Report, an online news service for conservative people of faith.” Not only is Email Brigade News Report proudly known as “America’s Most Trusted Spam Source,” their website is a leader in low-resolution graphics and blurry, hard to read text.

But Marsha is back, full of outrage that opponents of Proposition 8, which outlawed same-sex marriage in Calfornia, are protesting outside churches, when they should be bombing abortion clinics. And she’s especially irked that Arnold Schwarzenegger, that proud digit in the dike that holds back a turbid sea of Hollywood liberalism, has pulled his finger out.

I feel your pain, Rosie, Ellen, and Melissa

Suddenly Arnold’s had a change of heart. After Prop 8 passed he threw his mussel behind the homosexual movement and urged them to “never give up.” He now says he believes this issue is akin to interracial marriage. Is he confused, or what? One thing’s for sure. The man is a total hypocrite!

Worse than that, Arnold’s a crypto-mollusc! Little wonder that he’s now siding with the Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Bivalve community.

For those who are confused about the traditional meaning of marriage, Chuck Colson explains:

“I’d walk over my own grandmother to re-elect Richard Nixon.”

Oops. Sorry. Wrong quote.

In his book The Clash of Orthodoxies, Princeton philosopher Robert George writes that matrimonial law reflects a moral judgment — that marriage is inherently heterosexual, monogamous, and permanent — a union of one man and one woman.

Unless you’re Newt Gingrich or Larry Craig.

“This view reflects the biblical and natural law understanding that marriage is a two-in-one-flesh communion of persons.

Here’s the recipe: Take 1/4 pound of ground Messiah flesh. Form into patty and season to taste. Fry or grill, and serve between two communion wafers. Garnish with a dill pickle spear, and you’ve got Holy Communion in a Hamburger!

This communion is consummated by sexual acts that are reproductive in nature. They unite the spouses as a single procreative unit — an organic unity achieved even by infertile couples. Only a mated pair can be a complete organism capable of human procreation.”

“Honey, if you won’t blow me, how can we become a complete organism capable of human procreation?”

People of faith have a right to defend their values — and they don’t much care what Brad Pitt thinks.

Frankly, I don’t much care what Brad Pitt thinks either, but it doesn’t fill me with an urge to rewrite the Constitution.

Sorry, Brad, but religious Americans believe marriage is a sacred union between one man and one woman.

For the eight years that the average marriage lasts in America. After that, it begins to lose sacredity, much as motor oil, over prolonged use, will suffer an increasing breakdown in viscosity.

People of the Word had better be on their guard against the Hollywood Gestapo! Anyone who opposes the radical homosexual agenda, which includes the reengineering of traditional marriage, can expect to be verbally bludgeoned by the likes of Rosie and Madonna.

I don’t think “verbal bludgeoning” is actually a crime, or even much of a threat. Although I’m pretty sure Madonna could easily kill me with a blunt object.

Most “stars” put a higher value on the environment and homosexual “marriage” than they do on human life. How do I know that? For one thing, you rarely, if ever, hear them defending the rights of the unborn, even though “the most dangerous place in the world is inside the womb.”

And the fetus is…the Most Dangerous Game.

Naturally, Rosie O’Donnell is upset about the passing of Proposition 8, which just proves how little she cares about innocent zygotes being hunted in the swampy, treacherous womb by a wealthy, blood-crazed sportsman.

Rosie is entitled to worry about 18,000 “gay” marriages, but what about the 50 million lives that have been annulled since 1973 when Roe v. Wade became the law of the land.

Well, they weren’t on the ballot, Marsha. Probably because the majority of Americans support Roe v. Wade; in fact, the one anti-choice initiative that did make it to the ballot this year — yet another appearance by that parental notification law that seems to crop up every election cycle — was voted down.

This was due to a misinformed U.S. Supreme Court who said, “It is impossible to say when human life begins.” Actually, that’s untrue. Biologists are the real experts on when life begins and the consensus opinion is that life begins at the moment of conception. No intellectually honest person can deny this fact.

Especially not in the face of those impressive citations, sources, and links you provided.

Hence, pro-abortion proponents have blood on their hands.

You complain that pro-choicers never even try to reach out to the pro-life side, and I agree, but it’s only because we don’t want to get you all bloody. Trust us, that stuff is harder to get out than grass stains.

A group of “gay” rights protestors picketed Saddleback Church in Lake Forest Calif. holding signs reading ‘Purpose-Driven Hate’ and ‘Shame on Rick Warren.’ Shame on Rick Warren for what? He’s a man of the cloth — a pastor!

I think you mean he’s a “pastor.”

Pastors who supported Prop 8 did so because the Bible clearly teaches that the homosexual lifestyle is unnatural, destructive and sinful.

Granted, they lied to their congregations from the pulpit, claiming they’d be sued for refusing to perform gay marriages if Prop 8 didn’t pass, but remember, Peter lied three times in one night, and he’s a saint! So while lying is a sin, there’s a loophole in the Bible allowing clergymen and apostles to prevaricate in order to promote state ballot initiatives, or to avoid being nabbed in Roman dragnets.

Admittedly, the homosexual lifestyle is no more a sin than adultery, sex outside of marriage, covetousness, lying, pride, and so on. But a sin is a sin, and the serious Christian must not fear calling it what it is! So go ahead… say it out loud: “Homosexuality is a sin!”

Keep saying it, louder and louder, until you’re just about to climax! Then you should probably switch and start saying your partner’s name, otherwise, she might think you’re just not that into her.

Thus, people of faith should have no fear of the opposition, as they have a biblical mandate to restore traditional marriage.

With the help of Bob Vila and master carpenter Norm Abram.

Those who advocate the right to kill the unborn, especially radical feminists, have closed their minds to the effects abortion has had in America. Instead of debating the issue on its merits, they do everything possible to shut down the debate, including lying to women. It doesn’t make sense to me that some Americans actually embrace homicide.

I wouldn’t say we “embrace homicide.” It’s more like one of those one-handed bro-hugs where you pound the other guy on the back with your fist.

Finally, inform those who feel they have a “right” to abort a fetus about the studies that point to the fact that, in most cases, abortion is a matter of convenience — and in some cases the choice to abort is based on the sex of the child.

So homosexuals must never be allowed to marry.

Teh GAYZ! | 32 Comments »

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