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Archive for July, 2006

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Battle of the Flag-Wrapped Men!

Posted by s.z. on July 31st, 2006

While perusing the latest Townhall opinion columns, I was struck by the fact that both Professor Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D. and Christian DJ Kevin McCullough (who doesn’t have any advanced degrees, but who has an acting career, as he was an extra in both My Best Friend’s Wedding and Logan’s Run) had their photos taken in front of American flags. (Mike got the stars, while Kevin had to make do with the stripes.)

And as we all know, there can be only one – so, today, we are voting for the ULTMATE flag-wrapped Townhall columnist whose pieces appear on Mondays.  Now, let’s meet our contestants

.     First up is Dr. Mike with “Life and How to Live it, Part VI.”  It was sparked by a college student who voiced pessimism about defeating “these people,” and it’s what Dr. Mike would have told the lad, if only Dr. Mike had thought of it in time. Instead, he’s thinking it now, and what he’s thinking is full of true-life incidents. Of course, like most of the stories Dr. Mike recounts, they don’t sound like they could have taken place in our reality, which presumably makes them all the more true.

But anyway, here’s Dr. Mike thinking about just a few of his monumental triumphs over leftists, feminists, baby-eating Satanists, and vaginas.

I am thinking about the hippies at the University of Oregon who came out to heckle and disrupt my speech about free speech in May. I am thinking about how they started to laugh, smile, and applaud in agreement before the speech was halfway over.

If Dr. Mike has this uncanny ability to convert hippies to right thinking, how come his power didn’t work on that hippie from the skiing trip to Sugar Mountain?

I am thinking about the night I walked into a packed auditorium at the University of New Hampshire with an armed police entourage. I am thinking about how the audience applauded at the end of the speech and how most of the dissenters became supporters within the hour.

I am thinking about the law students at the University of Wisconsin who, after one of my speeches, said “we came to protest your appearance tonight but, actually, we agreed with everything you said.”

So, to merely hear Dr. Mike is to be converted to wingnuttery. You know, Dr, Mike should do some rallies.  He could use his flag as a backdrop.  I bet he could get the whole country behind him.

I am also thinking about the time I advised students to post 1000 pictures of a man sodomizing another man all over campus – with the words “celebrate diversity” superimposed above their heads – just two hours before parents’ weekend. I am thinking about how they should have taken pictures of the university employees frantically ripping the pictures down before the parents saw them. I am thinking that they could have mailed them to gay rights groups and started a war between the university and the homosexual community.

And I am thinking of the time I advised the President to use the Death Star to defeat all the terrorists in the world. And I am thinking about how this could have started World War IV, which would have resulted in turmoil, destruction, and the death of millions, which would have been pretty cool.  But, alas, he apparently didn’t hear me through the TV, because he never followed my course of action.  But if he had, it would have been so sweet!

I am thinking about a kid who flunked English four years in a row in high school and later gave speeches around the nation – speeches televised during prime time on CSPAN, and occasionally introduced by United States Congressmen. I am thinking it was Winston Churchill who said something about never, never, never, never, never, never giving up.

Is this a great country, or what? (But I think that Churchill’s advice to Dr. Mike would have been “Never, never, never bother me again! And shut the f#*& up.”

I am thinking about all the guns I have bought with money I earned making fun of feminists.

And what Dr. Mike thinks about while he polishes his guns is better left unsaid.

Anyway, Here’s the stirring conclusion to Dr. Mike’s piece:

I am thinking that the kid who was saying “You can’t beat these people” needs to read about a man named Ronald Reagan.

A man who beat “these people” (Democrats, hippies, feminists, Commies, gays, welfare queens, scientists, poor little kids, etc.), and then died. Let him be an example to all other college students who don’t want to help Dr. Mike put up posters of a man sodomizing another man.

 

     Next, you must give consideration to the song stylings of Kevin McCullough and his column, “Why gays are losing on marriage,” the gist of which is “Only Chumps Support Homo Nups.” We will now join it already in progress.

No gene, no cell, no DNA has ever been proven to cause one man to engage in all varieties of sexual acts with another man.

Yes, scientists have spent decades watching that one man engage in all varieties of sexual acts, and they haven’t been able to prove that his prowess was caused by DNA.  But they’re going to keep watching him just the same, because they find his antics rather arousing.

Presently the reason homosexual activists are losing on the battle to redefine marriage is simple – it’s just plain wrong.

I know, it’s not a popular position to take. Neither is telling the uncle who is always drunk how alcohol might kill him someday. But if you really loved you’re uncle – wouldn’t you at least try? And you certainly let him get behind the wheel.

So, homosexuality is like alcoholism, while same-sex marriage is like drunk driving.  And just like you would lecture drunken Uncle Otis on how drinking is bad for him, you must tell gay Cousin Floyd that he is going to hell unless he changes his sexual orientation — and if you really loved both of them, you would take away Uncle Otis’s keys and Cousin Floyd’s penis, to keep them from getting into trouble.

My book which comes out August 1st (MuscleHead Revolution – Overturning Liberalism with Commonsense Thinking, Harvest House Publishers) will soon/is now available right here on TownHall.com, in it I will give you 10 principles to assist you in clarifying your thinking so that you can take positive action in not just winning the debate of the issue, but even win the hearts of those you engage with.

I suspect that Dr. Mike was Kevin’s high school English tutor.

But I think it’s great that Kevin has a book about defeating liberalism that soon/is now available. Since Scott and I are hoping to get a real publisher to issue a reprint of our humble book, we will have to send a copy of it to Harvest Home Publishers, since it would seem to be perfect for their purposes. After all, Better Living Through Bad Movies gives you way more than ten principles to assist you in clarifying your thinking (in fact, just the “Weird Sex” chapter gives you the Humanoids from the Deep principle, the Mars Needs Women principle, the “making lovers from dead body parts” principle, and MANY MORE)!  Our book will also help you win the bodies of those you engage with.

However, since Harvest was willing to publish Kevin’s book, it probably isn’t any realer a publishing house than I-Universe. Oh, well.

And now, the moral to the story:

Marriage is winning, and the activists are losing.

In doing so we commonsense types are helping the radicals by simply pointing out some really old fashioned ideas – like right and wrong.

I’m sure the radicals will thank you for your help some day, Kevin, just like drunken Uncle Otis will be glad you broke his arms and legs and put him in a coma to keep him from possibly buying some beer at the grocery store.

And those are our two flag-wrapped patriots. So, who will be the winner of this red, white, and blue competition?

But wait, we have an important announcement from Hair-Mousse-Wrapped Guy!

  

ClashRadio.com has been upgraded! We have added several new features to our show such as: Skunk Boy’s “Evolution’s Holdover”, Dr. Full’s “You can be a Loser”. In addition, Giles has a new :60 spot called “Hey, Monkey Butt”, a ten minute “Growth Stimulant” session for personal oomph and he has a excellent interview with Wayne Bosowicz, “The Black Bear Hunting Expert”. 

I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait until Wayne Bosowicz, the Ross Allen of our generation, captures Skunk Boy and Monkey Butt, throws them in a canvas bag, and then sells them to a zoo.

Okay, now you vote for either Dr. Mike or Kevin.

Smell the Man Musk | 47 Comments »

Thanks! Now, On to the Mopping

Posted by s.z. on July 29th, 2006

Thanks to everyone who bought a copy of our book, posted about the book, and/or didn’t sic the Blog Ethics Police on us for plugging it. And special thanks to C.I., Arrianne, Julia (and previously, CaliforniaDrySherry, Actor216, and Misty3K) for their Amazon reviews.Because of your efforts, we beat John Podhoretz, which was a resounding victory for the forces of goodness, as it ensures that he will have to wear a shirt for the rest of the summer.

(BTW, his Amazon ranking for today is 236,793, while our is 7,293. Although I don’t know exactly how this translates into book sales, since, as has been noted, Amazon uses some arcane formula to compute their rankings, I suspect it means that four of you bought copies of our book, while Jonah Goldberg and Rich Lowry tried to trade their review copies of John’s book for manga and that body spray for men that’s supposed to make women throw themselves at you.

And, as promised, I will be reading and summarizing some of the columns on my list in lieu of eating bugs. To start with, here’s Janice Shaw Crouse’s Broken Icon of Feminist Invincibility, which I dedicate to Julia and C.I.

Summary: Feminists really aren’t superhuman, despite what that old Helen Reddy song would have you believe. This is proven by the fact that Helen Reddy had a bad husband and a bratty kid. Also, she was a working mother – and, as we all know, working mothers have created drug-resistant strains of bacteria, thus dooming us all.

Excerpts:

Adults, as well as children, believe myths. One of the feminist myths about women is their invincibility—brought to center stage by Helen Reddy’s newly released biography, “The Woman I Am” (2006).  She is, of course, the artist who recorded the 1972 feminist anthem “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar.”

See, although Ms. Reddy sang about being invincible, it turns out that she actually wasn’t. She lied to us in song!

A prototypically dramatic PR blurb for her memoir states: “[A]t the height of her career, Helen’s world was shattered by the death of both her parents and, simultaneously, the news that she had a rare and incurable disease.”  This account is calculated to engender a sympathetic response and to tease an impulse to rush out and buy the book to learn the full details of the tragedy.  

The facts, as is often the case, are quite a bit different.

Janice apparently has uncovered information that indicates that Helen’s disease wasn’t all that rare, and that her parents actually faked their own deaths for the insurance money.

No, wait — what Janice really is implying is that the facts in the case are that Helen was a career-minded tramp, and so isn’t deserving of any sympathetic responses.

Reddy was born in 1941 to an Australian show-business couple and began her career as a performer by the tender age of 4.  In her late teens Reddy was briefly married to an older musician, with whom she had a daughter, Traci.  In 1966 she moved to America as a single mother with 3-year-old Traci in tow.  

In short order Reddy met, moved in with, and eventually married Jeff Wald, an agent.  […]  In fact her marriage to husband No. 2 began to unravel in the early 1980s, egged on by his cocaine habit and aggressiveness.  Reddy and Wald had a son, Jordan, who became so unmanageable by age 10—not that much of a surprise considering his role models—

Young Jordan’s role models were reportedly the divorced Ronald Reagan, and career woman Phyllis Schlafly

–that Reddy called her estranged husband to come get him out of the house she was sharing with her “boyfriend.”  

So much for the Roaring Woman’s “invincibility.”

I hope all of you who believed that everything sung by a pop star was literally true now feel really stupid.

The realities facing the average unmarried mom make her anything but invincible, no matter how energetic, gifted, famous or heroic she is.  What does the average unmarried mother—without the income from several hit Gold records—face in trying to provide for herself and her children? 

Whatever it is, it’s not nearly enough! For while life is certainly hard for the uneducated, shiftless little floozies and their bastards, we shouldn’t feel any compassion towards them — after all, they could have had Janice’s life of ease and privilege, if only they had been better people.

Now, on to how working mothers have unleashed the Andromeda Strain upon humanity.

When, not if, a child comes down with some infection—not a particularly rare event in the life of a small child, particularly those being exposed to many other children in the typical child-care or pre-school setting—even those women whose health care and child care are fully funded by the government have a problem.  The average low-income, working, unmarried mother with a sick child often has no option but to take time off from work.  

Doctors have witnessed a flood of working mothers demanding antibiotics for their children in order to get them readmitted to day care as quickly as possible.  Dr. Michael Blum, medical officer in the Food and Drug Administration’s division of anti-infective drug products, says, “Resistance [has] increased to a number of commonly used antibiotics, possibly related to overuse of antibiotics. In the 1990s, we’ve come to a point for certain infections that we don’t have agents available.”

Thus the average low-income unmarried mother is highly vulnerable when facing a sick child.

The bitches! It’s just like Dr. Blum said: working mothers and their selfish demands have ruined antibiotics for the rest of us!

And it’s not like these poor, slutty women are even good workers, as evidenced by the fact many of aren’t even employed, possibly because they choose to stay home and care for their children – which should be an option reserved only for middle-class, married women!

And that vulnerability tends to make unmarried mothers in general less reliable workers in comparison to women without children or to married women with a spouse who is willing and able to help juggle family responsibilities. The unemployment rates of women with children under 6 years of age broken down by marital status clearly reflect this fact.  From 1980 to 2005, the unemployment rate of single (never-married) mothers of children under 6 has been almost four times higher than that of married mothers; similarly the unemployment rate of divorced, separated and widowed mothers has been a little over twice that of mothers who are married.

I’m not sure how the unemployment rates clearly reflect the fact that unmarried women make less reliable workers, but Janice, a former Bush speechwriter, has a Ph.D. in Communication Theory, so I’m sure she’s right in her claim.  

Despite the Hollywood myths and the feminist rhetoric, being a mother of small children is a vulnerable time for women, and the presence and support of a husband is vital to the welfare of both the mother and her children.

And that’s why the lyrics to Helen Reddy’s song should be changed to read as follows:

Oh yes, I’m a ditz, but I don’t need a brain.

‘Cause I paid the price, and captured me a man.

If I have to, I can do very little.

I am weak. I am vincible. I am married woman!

Maybe Janice will sing it for us some time.

Uncategorized | 31 Comments »

It’s National ‘Plug Your Book Day’!

Posted by s.z. on July 27th, 2006

 A day almost as anticipated as “Anything Can Happen Day” or “Make-Out With Darlene Behind the Barn Day.”

In any case, federal law requires that we mention our book today, and attempt to persuade you to buy a copy, since the American economy depends on it.  [UPDATE: If you are going to help your country by making this all-important purchase, please do it through the link at the right side of this post.  Like Marq said, that way we get an extra dime, which will mean an extra portion of kitty gruel for the adorable orphan kittens.]

So, here’s our three-pronged business strategy:

1.  Write a book

2.  ???

3.  PROFIT!

However, while Scott is in Hawaii, I thought I’d try to refine the plan a little. So, here’s my improved version of the strategy:

Phase 1: Write a book

Phase 2: Get people talking about it

Phase 3: Challenge John Podhoretz to a duel

Phase 4: PROFIT!

Now let the underwear-stealing commence!

 

PHASE ONE: WRITE BOOK

Better Living Through Bad Movies.  Done! (We’re moving right along, aren’t we?)

 

PHASE TWO: GET THE GRASSROOTS INVOLVED IN THE FREEDOM SPREAD

If you have read the book, we would encourage you to post your thoughts about it here. We would also humbly ask that you consider posting an Amazon.com review. (And hey, even if you haven’t read the book, if you’ve glanced at any of our “Subliminal Cinema” pieces, then you are qualified to review our book — you are also qualified to get a free small popcorn when you buy a colossal-size drink.

Anyway, to show how much we want your business, I’ll eat a bug for every ten comments posted here, and for each review posted at Amazon! Or rather, I will read and summarize one of these columns:

HUMAN EVENTS ONLINE: “Civilians Should Pay a Price for Supporting Terrorism,” by John Hawkins.
‘If you kill enough of them, they stop fighting’

HUMAN EVENTS ONLINE: “Broken Icon of Feminist Invincibility,” by Janice Shaw Crouse

WorldNetDaily: “‘Peace’ activists gone wild.”     Michelle Malkin shares examples of anti-war types embracing violence

WorldNetDaily: “What are Darwinists so afraid of?”
Exclusive: Jonathan Witt cheers new Kansas science standards allowing criticism

Reason: “The virtues of riches”
Megan McArdle praises book arguing more wealth makes us more moral

Wall Street Journal: “Why does the president call the secretary of state ‘Condi’? And what exactly is his philosophy?” — Peggy Noonan

Frontpage News: “Kos, Hezbollah, and Israel,” By Dean Barnett
How much of a liability is the liberal blogosphere for the Democrats?

Townhall:  “The Bible Told Them So,” by Mike S. Adams

So, you can see where eating the bug would have been the easy way out.

Along with comments on the book, you can vote here for the columns you would like to inflict on me. And if you do an Amazon review, you can even force me to read something of your own choice choosing – just post a comment here advising everyone of your review, and of the work you would like summarized.

 

PHASE THREE: THE DUEL

I’m sure you all remember how Bill O’Reilly tried to make his viewers (who are elderly and easily-confused, after all) think that unless he sold more copies of Who’s Looking Out for You than what Hillary Clinton sold of her autobiography, then the liberals would win the pennant, the Bible would be banned, and you would be forced to marry a gay household pet.

And while Hillary actually sold a lot more books that Bill, (forcing Bill to publicly admit that market forces had concluded that she was a better human being than he was), we thought the contest idea was a great one (especially because there is no evidence that Hillary knew anything about it). So, we’re following Bill’s example, and we’re going to challenge John Podhoretz to a book-off. The rules are simple: if, at 11:55 P.M. today, July 27, the Amazon sales ranking of Better Living Through Bad Movies is higher than that of Can She Be Stopped: Hillary Clinton Will Be the Next President of the United States Unless Bill O’Reilly Can Sell More Books Than She Does, then John must stop trading on the Podhoretz name and get a real job, preferably in the fast food industry. However, if John sells more Amazon copies of his book than we sell of ours, we will never make fun of him again. EVER!

Now, we realize that this contest is something of a David/Goliath affair, because John’s book was published by a major publisher, which presumably used its marketing department to promote it. His book was reviewed widely, and John was invited to discuss it on many television and radio programs. Plus, John has wingnut name recognition, and those movie star looks.

On the other hand, our book is a rag-tag self-published tome from the wrong side of the tracks, written by two misfits who are only one day away from retirement.  So, this does seem kind of unfair – but hey, we are up to a challenge.

(BTW, currently Better Living Through Bad Movies is #146,200, while Can She Be Stopped… is #324,411 – so, you might not have to do anything at all to ensure that Podhoretz gets the trouncing he deserves. But if a couple of you bought a copy of our book, then our victory would be assured, unless his mother happens to buy a couple of copies of John’s book today.  So, maybe three of you will have to purchase Better Living. Don’t force us to never mock J-Pod again!)

 

PHASE FOUR: PROFIT!

With each book we sell, we are .25 closer to buying the kitten food that little Bix and Kit need so desperately. (Lupita and Valeria are no longer looking up at us with their big, orphan eyes and meowing plaintively for food, because they had to be sold into prostitution – John Stossel told us it was either that, or they had to sell their organs, because Santa Claus doesn’t give dollies to poor girls.)

So, yeah, we are eagerly awaiting the “profits” phase.

And the part where J-Pod gets the job at Jiffy Lube.

The Book | 18 Comments »

WINNING ISN’T EVERYTHING, BUT IT DOES GIVE YOU IMAGINARY HOODIE POINTS

Posted by s.z. on July 26th, 2006

Here are the answers to Sunday’s “WHO SAID IT?” contest, and the winners for this round. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get this posted, but I’ve experienced major technical problems each time I’ve tried to put this thing together.  I blame AOL, Word Press (which I really, REALLY hate), EMachines, and NSA).

There were some great answers, so I encourage everyone to read the comments for that post, because I am too frazzled to post all the funny ones.  But be advised that many more style points were earned than will be awarded this time.  Sorry. 

Also, if I mistakenly miscredited the wrong person for being the first to name the Mystery Guest, I am also sorry, but take comfort in knowing that after Armageddon, God will sort it all out. Now, let’s get started before something else goes wrong.

 1.  Peggy Noonan — Bill S.

And a style point to julia for the following:

When you consider that she thought Reagan’s organic brain dysfunction was a sign of zenlike deeper wisdom, 1 would pretty much have to be our girl Peg.


2. Bill O’Reilly- Zeno

Zeno also gets a style point for this:

#2 is Bill O’Reilly, fun-loving sexual predator and, in his own opinion, one of the smartest men on the planet. I await his attack on Noonan for her glorification of stupidity.

.3.  Pastor Swank – Bill S.

And a style point to Marq for:

J. Grant Swank, Jr., master of the mystic arts. His long sabbatical (to the Westboro Baptist Church) has finally paid off, and he knows who’s *really* behind everything bad–Doug Giles!


4.  Doug Giles – Christopher

And a style point to D. Sidhe for the following:

Should a guy who “repeatedly pees on the toilet seat” be trusted with guns? Someone needs to practice his aim before being handed live ammo.

A point also to Marq for:

And speaking of the “manly” Pastor Giles… Excuse me, smoking cigars in his wife’s closet?!? Somebody must be pleased when her lace teddy smells like an ashtray, but I bet it osn’t *her*. Maybe it makes Dougie feel more comfortable when he slips it on, who knows?

5.   Ann Coulter – Zeno

Style points to Marq for:

mAnn-hands Coulter, patiently awaiting the arrival of the cops to arrest her for that fake NY Times “mAnnthrax” letter like Karen Black at the end of Trilogy Of Terror…*chock* *chock* *chock*.

6.  Roger L. Simon – Zeno

Style points to Christopher for

Dr. Victor Frankenstein.

The tip-off was this: “… A literal living chronology of the ongoing Israel-Hezbollah War has been created…”

That’s right, this chronicle is a lving being. Apparently Dr. Frankenstein is spending his spare time tatooing the monster with a pictoral history of the middle east. This will only end in tears.

7.  Rush Limbaugh – Christopher

Style points to preznit giv me turkee for his answer:

Rush (fka BlowHard) Limbaugh- after realising he had been taken in by the Costa Rican “you gotta get the girl pregnant so we can the abort the fetus to provide you with stem cells to grow a new liver, kidneys etc” scammers.

8.  George W. Bush - Clif

Style points to Tara the anti-social social worker for her answer:

Thomas Sowell – he meant to say they are “now” spare parts.

Style points also to Marq for:

Chimpy McHitlerburton? Commander Coo-Coo Bananas? Dumbya? Incurious George? El Gringo Loco? The Littlest Preznit? Jeebus v2.0? Drunky McDrunkington? Shrubby Arbusto? Teh Cheerleader In Chief? Condi’s Husband? Spendy “It’s Only Credit” McDefecitington? I Spy (with my little NSA) Something Beginning With Dubya? Worst. Preznit. Evah? oh, yeah–It’s George W. Bush. Bleah!

First to get them all right in one post was Zeno, who may or may not have cheated, but since he did it with style, he is allowed to get away with it.

Congratulations to everyone!  Save your points, because some day you might be able to trade them for cool prizes, such as this hooded sweatshirt from American Life League:

Front: Abortion is homicide

Back: You will not silence my message / You will not mock my God / You will stop killing my generation.

“My generation”?  I guess it’s a little tiny sweatshirt for embryos to wear while they work out in the womb.  It’s probably all the rage among the Snowflakes.

Uncategorized | 18 Comments »

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HEYDAVE!

Posted by s.z. on July 25th, 2006

Where I live, it’s still the 24th, so Happy Birthday, HeyDave! 

And where I live, today they had fireworks, parades, and pancake breakfasts, presumably all in your honor.  And it was a well-deserved tribute to an American patriot, I must say!

And on behalf of the blogosphere, allow me to continue the celebration by presenting you with a well-known photo stolen directly from http://www.hannity.com/.  You’re getting an image of TWO people you can be glad you’re not waking up with tomorrow morning – we must really like you! (Yeah, it was the least that we could do.)

 

 

P.S.  Here’s part of Debbie Schussel’s review of Clerks 2:

What is funny about losers who have no human decency? What is funny about drug dealers? What is funny about putting flies in someone’s cheeseburger and urine in someone’s drink at a fast-food joint?

If that’s funny to you, you’re a loser, much like Kevin Smith and his characters are. Sure, Smith–creator of the loseratti culture–is now a multi-millionaire from his movies, proving there’s no accounting for good taste in America. But he’s just a loser with money. He is subhuman, as evidenced by this sad, sick silver screen tale. He’ll never arise from the gutter.

I like the way Debbie doesn’t so much review movies as assassinate characters – she clearly believes in making art personal (in that it inspires her to personal attacks).  Of course, the only response to her taunt is the epigram, “It takes one to know one.”

However, I would like a response to one of the question she poses: “What is funny about losers who have no human decency?” 

Debbie, Ann, Rush: any of you want to answer?

Birthdays | 24 Comments »

If You Don’t Know What’s Wrong, I’m Not Going to Tell You

Posted by scott on July 24th, 2006

I was enjoying breakfast on the lanai shortly after dawn this morning, and in between sips of macadamia nut-flavored coffee and the repetitious thud of golfballs from the nearby links bouncing off the roof, I read Maureen Dowd’s column in the Honolulu Star-Bulletin.  (I know, I know, but it was either that, or Garfield.)  And while I’m not particularly a fan of MoDo–her bon mots are more often mal mots–I did enjoy this:

The more W. and his tough, by-any-means-necessary superbabe have tried to tame the Middle East, the more enflamed the Middle East has become.  Now the secretary of state is, reluctantly and belatedly, doing some shuttle diplomacy that entails little diplomacy and no shuttling.  It’s more like air-guitar diplomacy.

But this is the part that really struck me:

Condi doesn’t want to talk to Hezbollah or its sponsors, Syria and Iran — “Syria knows what it needs to do,” she says with asperity

This is a tactic well-known amongst high school girls and I freely admit that at a certain time in my life (9th through 11th grades inclusive) I was highly susceptible to it.  But while I don’t dispute its efficacy as a behavior modification tool, its use by the United States Government raises some potentially disturbing issues.  Chief among them:  How long has our Secretary of State been going steady with Syria?  And is this just like a summer fling, or has Syria pinned her, and she’s told all her friends on the pep squad?

 I don’t have the answers, but I would suggest that when the various delegates meet to negotiate the terms of a heightened U.N. peacekeeping presence in southern Lebanon, if Secretary Rice appears wearing Syria’s letterman jacket, it could signal an historic shift in U.S. foreign policy.  On the other hand, if President Assad begins each press conference sitting glumly beneath the statue of Rodin’s The Thinker like the opening of The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, then he’s probably never going to nail Condeeza Rice (Tuesday Weld), and is going to have to make do with Zelda Gilroy (John Bolton).

Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

NEWS FLASH: BEAUTY PAGEANT INFILTRATED BY GAYS!

Posted by s.z. on July 24th, 2006

Yes, not content to infiltrate the Mennonites, as reported by Pastor Swank (yeah, that was him in Saturday’s “Who Said It?” contest – I’ll post the rest of the answers, as well as the winners, tomorrow), it seems that homosexuals have surreptitiously made their way into the Miss Universe Pageant.WorldNetDaily has the exclusive report:

NBC struts ‘gay’ jokes all over Miss Universe

With some of the world’s most beautiful women on display at tonight’s Miss Universe Pageant in Los Angeles, viewers of the NBC broadcast were exposed to a celebration of homosexuality with continuous “gay” jokes and innuendo.

And by “continuous ‘gay’ jokes and innuendo,” WND means there were five “gayish” remarks during the two-hour program, since that’s all that they cite in their report.  But when you’re as senstivie to gay cooties as WorldNetDaily is, that counts as “continuous.”.

Providing commentary for the program were Carson Kressley, a homosexual who stars on the Bravo network’s “Queer Eye,” and 2004 Miss USA Shandi Finnessey.

Whose sexual orientation is not relevant to this report, because we assume that she’s straight.

At one point in the program, when Finnessey was promoting a beauty guide viewers could order, Kressley said, “It’ll tell you how to be a true queen. A beauty queen.”

I can’t believe NBC allowed him to strut a homosexual joke and/or innuendo like that on the public airways!  Indirect allusions to gay stuff are not at all appropriate at events which display beautiful women!

During analysis of the finalists, Kressley noted, “I also loved Miss Puerto Rico. Again I have to confess I was looking at her dress, I was kind of mesmerized.”

“You want to borrow it, is what you want to do,” Finnessey responded.

So, it was Finnessey who strutted the homosexual joke that time. She’s been corrupted by the gays — clearly a big part of their agenda is to get all the hot women on their side!

Regarding some of the contestants’ ability to speak more than one language, Kressley also clowned he was ready to become “bi-,” but then jokingly clarified he meant “bi-lingual.”

Which is in itself suspect, since real red-blooded Americans don’t believe in that speaking other languages crap!

In the end, Miss Puerto Rico, 18-year-old Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza, won the competition and was crowned Miss Universe 2006, while Miss USA Tara Conner was fourth runner-up.

“I’m ready to switch teams for [Miss] Puerto Rico,” Kressley swooned.

The bastard! How dare he swoon all over our fine, straight women!  No wonder WND is up in arms about this assault on scantily-clad, women-as-products, family values.

Anyway, while all of this may not seem like much to you, it’s obviously part of a big, strutting gay plot, the seriousness of which can be deduced from some of the WND links at the end of the piece.

The Gay Agenda

How the homosexual agenda affects your family

Homosexual Easter at the White House?

Heath Ledger: From ‘Patriot’ to explicit ‘gay’ sex?

Minute Maid: Popeye not ‘gay’ in O.J. ad

(Suuuuure, he’s not. When will Popeye just come out of the closet already?)

But anyway, this leads us to today’s  WorldNetDaily: Daily Poll question, “What do you think of NBC’s ‘gay’ commentary during Miss Universe broadcast?”

The polls only opened an hour or so ago, but here are the top four responses so far:

It’s time to boycott all things NBC again

I didn’t see or hear the comments on the air, so I can’t really comment

What’s next? NBC showing ‘gay’ GUYS in a similar competition?

This is nuts! What the heck is NBC thinking?

I had to vote “other,” because the answer I would have chosen, “It’s time to boycott all things on Earth that could have been contaminated with ‘gay’ cooties” wasn’t listed. But hey, don’t let me influence you — you should vote your conscience.

Oh, and speaking of the gayification of the Miss Universe pageant,it’s time to visit Powerline for John Hindrocket’s obligatory report on the event, “Delayed-Blogging Miss Universe.” Sadly, it’s not as exciting as it sounds, so let’s just hit the highlights:

No live-blogging this year, as we have house guests–my youngest brother, the Rocket Prof, and his family. But, through the miracle of Tivo, we preserved the pageant finale to watch after dinner.

The initial impression is that this was an evening of upsets. A number of the betting favorites didn’t make the top twenty, while several underdogs broke through. The big shocker was that Miss Australia, the betting favorite just twenty-four hours ago and the contestant who accompanied Donald Trump on the David Letterman Show, didn’t make the cut.

Wow, that was indeed shocking! I don’t know if my heart can stand much more of this kind of thing!

Now the top ten. Several favorites survive: T & T, Puerto Rico, USA.; also Switzerland, whom I still don’t buy.

Wait, Hindrocket buys these women? Is that legal?

Miss Japan is in; she looks a whole lot better in real life than in pre-pageant photos.

By “real life,” John means, “on TV, which is the realest kind of life, since I would never get this close to beautiful women in the other kind.

Miss Mexico is in; the strange thing about her is that English seems clearly to be her native tongue. Or else she is a heck of a linguist.

But since it seems really improbable that a woman from Mexico could speak accentless English unless something funny was going on (which it clearly was, as we know from the WND report), she’s most likely a terrorist.  Somebody alert Michelle Malkin!

The evening gown competition. Yawn. Miss Japan is my new favorite. Well, except for Puerto Rico. “I’m ready to switch teams for Puerto Rico,” says the gay host, an odd concept in itself.

Joking about switching teams in order to snag hot beautifies queens is indeed an odd concept.  See, John would only turn gay for somebody like George Bush, a man of extraordinary vision and brilliance approaching to genius, who is like a great painter or musician who is ahead of his time. 

And the winner is: Miss PR! We know from Miss U. gossip sites that she arrived in Los Angeles with two young men whom she described as “personal travel assistants,” and her bearing was described by other competitors as “regal.”

Yes, we all know that, because we check out Miss U. gossip sites several times a day. Everyone does.  However, Carson Kressley is the only gay man who has ever been associated with the noble sport of beauty pageanting.  Damn his “gay” joke strutting — he almost ruined it for the rest of us!

Teh GAYZ! | 21 Comments »

Happy Birthday, Preznit Giv Me Turkee!

Posted by s.z. on July 22nd, 2006

Dear PGMT,Thanks for your support over the years, and for your unfailing supply of witty bon mots and devastating ripostes to the ungodly. We wish you the very happiest of birthdays, and hope this coming year brings you all the good things you deserve (love, fame, fortune, world peace, a Bush impeachment, etc.)

And, as is our custom, we’d like to award you the ceremonial birthday photo of someone whom you can you be happy you won’t wake up with tomorrow morning. So, here’s a fresh, new shot of Ann Coulter denying plagiarism charges that really shows off her sexy Adam’s apple.

Enjoy!

Birthdays | 20 Comments »

YET AGAIN, WHO SAID IT?

Posted by s.z. on July 22nd, 2006

Yes, it’s time for another exciting episode of “Who Said It?” the game show where you pretend to know who said or wrote something stupid, and I pretend to give you prizes.So, let’s get to work.1.  We haven’t paid much attention lately to our first Mystery Guest, but apparently she’s out of detox and is still alive and writing. Who would have guessed?

I note here what is to me a mystery. It is that people with lower IQs somehow tend, in our age, to have a greater apprehension of the meaning of things and the reality of life, than do our high-IQ professionals, who often seem, in areas outside their immediate field, startlingly dim. I don’t know why intellectuals–or cerebralists or eggheads or IQ hegemonists–seem to miss the most obvious things, floating on untethered by common sense. If you talk to a brilliant scholar at a fine university about social policy, chances are he will say with honest perplexity that he cannot understand–really cannot understand–why people would not want men to marry men, or women women. I wish there were a name for this, for the cluelessness of the more intellectually accomplished, the simpler but truer wisdom of those who are often less lettered and less accomplished.

To paraphrase: Retards with spades are smarter than intellectuals are, because the retards understand why gay marriage is so gosh-darned evil, while the smart people don’t.

2. Our next Mystery Guest is best known for his work as a phone-sex operator, but he is also a prominent wingnut whose column just got picked up by Townhall (which is a proud moment in any middle-aged billionaire’s life).

Here’s the first paragraph of this week’s piece:

While millions of Americans are enjoying the summer, taking nice trips and relaxing on the sand, the leaders of Hezbollah are also enjoying the season. From their sanctuary in Iran, the terrorists have announced that they are armed and ready for World War III. Taking a cue from President Bush, the killers are gleefully trotting out the taunt: “Bring it on!”

So, there you have it: Hezbollah takes its murderous cues from George Bush.

But that’s not what this column is really about. No, it’s actually about how during this time of war, we all need to agree that the Bush administration can do no wrong.  Because to do otherwise is to give cues to Hezbollah (and that’s George Bush’s job).

Instead of presenting a united front to the world, the USA is bickering over the “rights” of captured terror suspects, war strategy in Iraq, and whether it’s bad for newspapers to alert terrorists about top-secret investigations designed to stop them from murdering people.

[…]

The sad truth is that apathetic and misguided Americans are actually helping the fanatical Iranian leaders as well as the terror killers themselves. Every political division in this country is cheered on by our enemies.

So, unite behind the Republican leadership, or be jailed in perpetuity as a supporter of terrorism!

3.  Mystery Guest Number Three won a trip to the Middle East in a writing contest. But he survived, and is still writing. (Best laid plans, and all, you know.)

I don’t think the rest of Christendom is as much aware of the homosexual infiltration of the Mennonites as it is aware of the Episcopal diabolical, for example. However, it would be wise to take stock of the infiltration in many locales religious, including not only the Episcopal Church in America but also the United Church of Christ (Congregational), Presbyterian Church of America and the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (the term “evangelical” no longer having its biblical meaning in the title of that denomination).

In short, the homosexual religious actors have continued their inroads in what appears to those concerned about End Times theology as a takeover of the Christian Church.

And I wasn’t even aware of the Episcopal diabolical, which shows you how weak my End Times homosexual-infiltration theology is!

4.  And those damned homosexual religious actors had better just stay away from our next Mystery Guest’s church, or Dirty Harry just might plug them full of lead (which isn’t as suggestive as it sounds).

Anyway, MG#4 is going to teach us about the sin of anger, which isn’t actually a sin in many cases, since God WANTS you to get pissed off when “something is evil, goofy, unjust, uncalled for and blatantly bogus.” (But if I got angry at everything that was goofy, bogus, and uncalled for, I’d never be able to read Townhall without my blood pressure going through the roof.  Do you think God will be okay with that?)

But back to MG#4: it’s also okay for his hot wife to get mad at him for going hunting with his manly buddies for months at a time.  But it’s not okay for her to shoot him — I think that’s the lesson we all learned from Brokeback Mountain.

    Heating up is not always evil and deadly.     

    For example: my wife’s Italian. She’s very passionate. She feels deeply about everything. If she sees a starving orphan from Africa on TV, she’s flying off to Namibia with a case of granola bars in tow to try to feed and then adopt the baby.

    On the other hand, when I repeatedly pee on the toilet seat, go hunting for 22 weeks out of the year, smoke a cigar in her closet, leave dead bait in her SUV, or say the wrong thing while she’s trying on a dress—God help me! I had better run for my life, because the same passion she shows in saving a kid will manifest in attempting to sever my head (You’ve gotta love Italian women!). The cool thing about my hot wife is that these deep feelings don’t bring on disasters. Her justifiable anger at my antics does not end in my destruction.

Well, at least not so far. But just wait until she completes that course in head severing at the Learning Annex!

5.  This Mystery Guest is somebody whom you just don’t hear much about anymore. But we want to help her raise her profile, so here’s part of a minor Woman’s Wear Daily item about her.

[After the NY Times received an envelope containing a suspicious powder,] Memo Pad went and asked her [if she felt at all responsible when lunatics try to kill the paper’s employees], sending an e-mail to her AOL account. And guess what? She not only responded, but claimed to be the sender of the mysterious powder.

“So glad to hear that The New York Times got my letter and that your friend at the Times thinks I’m funny,” she wrote back.

But remember, kids, that making terrorist threats, even in jest, is a crime. So if YOU do it, you could be in big trouble.

6.   And you know what we really need in this time of war? More chickenhawk bloggers! So, enjoy part of a really exciting press release entitled “Blogger Media at the Forefront of the Middle East Coverage War.”

[Mystery Blogger Consortium] has been offering round-the-clock battlefield reporting in tandem with the most thoughtful commentary from the global blogosphere and traditional sources. … A literal living chronology of the ongoing Israel-Hezbollah War has been created and made available on the [MBC] front page.

“This chronology’s intention is to give the public moment-to-moment access to the vicissitudes of the war and ultimately to provide historians with a record of the evolving struggle,” says [CEO Mystery Wingnut].

Sure, you might think you know the name of this blogger collective (unless changed it again, possibly to something even stupider, such as “Long Underwear Media.  But stop and think: Didn’t they go under several months ago?

But hey, you might be right about the identity of their self-important CEO. He is a well-known author and screenwriter, after all.

7.  Our next Mystery Guest will enlighten us on the shocking truth of who is behind the push for embryonic stem cell research: yes, once again, the evil-doers are the pro-abortion crowd! (It makes perfect sense, since we get all our research embryos from abortions, don’t you know.)

He will also address the fraud which we call science.  (To paraphrase Homer Simpson, “Science, don’t you ever get tired of being wrong about everything?”)

I’m telling you, and I have from the get-go, who is behind this — is the — the militant pro-abortion crowd, because you need abortions to get these.

[…]

I think we need to re-examine this whole term “scientist.” You know, there are certain things in our culture that are never questioned. They have instant credibility. If a scientist says anything, [gasp] it’s gotta be true. . . .It is why global warming has become a scientific thing, because nobody can question science. Why, scientists, smarter than everybody else. And science is science. Science is not politics — well, it’s absolutely BS. Science is all about politics, and science has been so wrong about so many things.

And although, as everyone knows, the embryos used in stem cell research are actually the surplus products of fertility treatments, it’s science that’s wrong about so many things.

Now, everyone repeat with me, “Why, scientists, smarter than everybody else.”

8.  And speaking of pinpoint sized, 5-day-old blastocysts, our last Mystery Guest will claim that they are just as valuable as the Snowflake children. And vice versa.

Each of these human embryos is a unique human life with inherent dignity and matchless value. We see that value in the children who are with us today. Each of these children began his or her life as a frozen embryo that was created for in vitro fertilization, but remained unused after the fertility treatments were complete. Each of these children was adopted while still an embryo, and has been blessed with the chance to grow up in a loving family.

These boys and girls are not spare parts.

But they could be, if John Stossel has his way!

(Oh, and what do you make of the fact that Mystery Guest #7 doesn’t seem to pay any attention to the words of MG #8?)

Anyway, those are our Mystery Guests for today. So, open your test books and start guessing who they are . . .NOW!

 

Uncategorized | 34 Comments »

…And Kam Fong as Chin Ho

Posted by scott on July 22nd, 2006

Apologies for my spotty contributions lof late.  I’ve been having computer problems for the past week or so, leaving the bulk of the blogging burden to s.z., and forcing her to balance her witty bon mots about contemporary politics with a frequent deployment of Handiwipes to cope with the unending slurry of kitten and dog ejecta that is rapidly turning her stately manor into a Superfund site.

The good news is, I’ll probably be around even less next week, since I’m taking a brief, long overdue, and completely undeserved vacation to Hawaii (although I may reappear at any moment and challenge Americablog to an orchid-blogging deathmatch).

Be there.  Aloha.

Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

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