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Archive for the 'Things that make you go ACK!' Category

Recession Relief? Or Acid Induced Nightmare?

Posted by Maryc on June 5th, 2010

I’m not really sure how becoming a hybrid pig person will help my finances, but…ok!

Healthcare Is Just Another Word For Holocaust

Posted by scott on August 11th, 2009

sherzieve.jpgProfessional Paranoid Sher Zieve, has lately found herself out-crazied, by both the national brands of demagogue such as Sarah (“a death panel of dingoes ate my baby!”) Palin, and up-and-coming amateurs such as Kenneth (The Fainting Goat) Gladney.  But Sher isn’t about to let a few hand-drawn swastikas steal the limelight, not when she can come right out and say that health care reform will turn your doctor’s office into Auschwitz.

ObamaCare provides Americans healthcare in the same way that Hitler’s ovens provided the German people fresh bread.

Yes, nothing says lovin’ like something from the ovens of Hitler.  Now I suppose I get what Sher is saying here — “health care reform will reform health care.  NOT!” — but her remarkably overblown, yet trivializing analogy raises another question.  Wingnuts denounced any inquiry into possible Bush Administration war crimes as “criminalizing policy differences,” yet they feel entitled to equate actual policy differences with crimes against humanity.  So I suppose my question is — WTF?

And where are those who after World War II screamed and shouted “Never again!”?

Well, a lot of them are in Israel, enjoying universal health care.

Where are the people who lost entire families to Hitler’s Holocaust?

This is just a guess, but I imagine at least are few are currently being irked by your suggestion that an additional health insurance option is the same as being gassed, or worked to death as a slave laborer.

Can you not see the inevitable correlations of plan and purpose between then and now? If you cannot, then please actually LOOK at what is occurring.

Oh, it’s like one of those Magic Eye posters?  Okay.  Well, when I stand real close, then step back a few feet, I see a contemptible woman with no sense of decency.  And a unicorn.

Question: It’s un-American to protest our impending slavery, imprisonment and/or euthanasia under ObamaCare and other ObamaPlans?

Answer:  Bizarre conspiracy theories are as American as the roller derby, although this one gets taken out of the basement and aired in polite society a lot more often than etiquette would advise.  By the way, Sher, have you heard that the USDA is planning to force us all to work in their massive secret grandparent slaughterhouses, rendering our elderly relatives into mulch and hog feed?  It’s true.  They plan to track us down through our grocery store club cards, so if I were you I’d go off the grid and start paying retail before it’s too late!

Is the new definition of American now “supporting the Dictator Obama and his favored ones in everything they do and say — no matter how detrimental it is to human life and all things surrounding human life?”

Yes, it is, but it’s just a first draft, and I’m hoping we can tighten it up and make it a little snappier.  Maybe add some comic relief.

Debbie From The Blockhead

Posted by scott on May 31st, 2009


Debbie Schlussel — practicing attorney, semi-professional cable news guest, self-appointed film critic, and talented amateur harpy — added yet another accomplishment to a resume which already reads like Baron Münchhausen’s c.v., when she noticed that Sonia Sotomayor and Jennifer Lopez are both of Puerto Rican extraction.  This penetrating insight inspired Debbie to don the motley of political satirist and scale to such lofty heights of political humor that, ironically, the resulting hypoxia seems to make it impossible to laugh.

I can’t help but notice that the sole reason So-So (my very appropriate name for Sonia Sotomayor) was chosen as Barack Obama’s nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court is that she shares the life story of J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez.

In fact, the lyrics of the cheesy “Jenny From the Block” are basically the reason “Sonia from the Block” was chosen for the highest court in the land (minus the part about “put[ting] G-d first.” It’s just frankly, hilarious.

As you can see, even though Debbie’s glamour shot is 15 years out of date, her comedy is cutting edge and topical.

Our President chose this chick because like, J-Lo, she’s a Puerto Ricana from South Bronx who went from rags to semi-riches. And that’s it. That’s the whole reason. What a joke.

Say what you like about Debbie, she knows how to construct a rational, compelling argument.  It’s easy to see why she was attracted to the law, what with it’s plentitude of de jures, ipso factos, and ad hominems.

Guess I’m gonna have to refer to her as “Justice J-Lo,” once she gets confirmed by the Democrat dominated Senate. After all, neither J-Lo or So-So have set any remarkable legal precedent in their lives. Neither have achieved legal greatness, and one of ‘em is about to become a legal Supreme.

While liberals may give lip service to notions of equality, Debbie reminds us that it’s conservatives who truly cherish the ideal that all brown women with foreign names are equal (to each other).  Regardless of differences in education or professional stature, as long as they’re brown, be-bootied, and smelling faintly of salsa, a Circuit Judge of the United States Court of Appeals is the moral equivalent of a Fly Girl.

Here are the “Sonia From the Block” Lyrics. Obviously, I’ve substituted her name for “Jenny” and So-So’s “robe” for J-Lo’s “rocks.” She might as well sing this at her confirmation hearing, as it’s basically the Cliff’s Notes version of what we’ve heard from and about her so far this week:

I’m not going to repost Debbie’s entire parody here, for pretty much the same reason I don’t dump used motor oil in our flowerbed, or empty the catbox into the vegetable crisper.  But hey, if you’ve ever been curious to see what a SuperFund site looks like, but have no plans to visit New Jersey in the near future, by all means, click on through.  And on your own head be it.

I’m goin’ to bed.

NEWSFLASH! Obama’s Book Ghost-Written By Hitler!

Posted by scott on November 7th, 2008

I thought the news of Obama’s victory would strike wingnuts in one of two ways.  Either they’d sit, stinking and unwashed in a corner of their room, blinking rapidly and speaking in tongues to a headless Barbie doll — what we might call “the K-Lo Option” — or else they’d attach a hobby horse to their computer chairs, sort of like those Cowboy booster seats you used to sit on at the barber shop, and charge at full gallop into the World Wide Web on a suicidal crusade of blood and thunder, hacking at heretics and heathens and howling in rage and agony like a gutted Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.  It never dawned on me that they would arise the next day, scratch their cat under the chin, pour a nice cup of tea, sit down at the keyboard, and in a prim, dainty, ladylike fashion, go quietly batshit insane, as though we’d entered an alternate universe where Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote was the star of Dexter. But color me abashed, because RenewAmerica is proudly offering Mary Mostert’s latest:


As we’ve said before, this wasn’t an election, it was the world’s longest Usenet thread, and Godwin’s Law is no longer an observation on probability, it’s a regulation imposed by wingnuts, sort of like those Homeowner Association bylaws that require everyone to landscape solely from the pre-approved list of shrubs, and to paint all exterior trim a uniform beige.  But who is Mary Mostert, and what qualifies her to perform a textual comparison of Hitler and Obama speeches?  Well, like a lot of people whose bona fides have been vetted by RenewAmerica, what we know about her comes largely from her self-written bio:

mostertface.jpg “Mary Mostert is a nationally-respected political writer. She was one of the first female political commentators to be published in a major metropolitan newspaper in the 1960s.  After working in President Lyndon Johnson’s failed War on Poverty programs in New York state, she became a Republican. She ran, unsuccessfully, for the New York State Senate and became campaign manager for a number of candidates. She once served as the secretary of “Positive Action NOW!”–a South African women’s group that sought to reduce the hostility among South Africa’s various racial, religious, and political groups.”

As it turns out, Mary’s interest in race relations goes beyond just dabbling with the dying Apartheid regime in 1991, stretching all the way back to 1948, where she first learned about the kind of voter fraud that Obama would later use to filch the Presidency:

In 1948 I was 19 years old and working in Memphis,in the insurance company owned by E.H. Crump, who was also the political boss of Tennessee. Crump was good at ballot-box stuffing. In fact, he routinely brought hundreds of black people by bus from Mississippi to vote in Memphis elections…

And just for the record, Mary resents accusations that she opposes Obama merely because he’s black.  Because he’s not!

This election has been framed in large measure by the claim made by Barack Obama that he is the “black” candidate, even though genetically he is only 6½% black African, and that people who oppose him are “racist.” Obama is 50% Caucasian and 43 ½% Arab. Yet he has kept his white grandmother who raised him out of the limelight and talks about his black “Kenyan grandmother” who is actually no kin to him. She is his grandfather’s fourth polygamous wife.

In fact, if Obama had grown up in my neighborhood in the segregated deep south in the 1930s and 1940s, since he lived with his white mother and white grandparents and his father was no where to be seen and mostly Arab, he would have gone to the white segregated school with me. In fact, I’m actually darker than he is.

What is rather strange in this election is the anger and animosity I have experienced and my readers have experienced from Obama supporters, in spite of the fact that the polls show him to be beating McCain. We are accused of opposing him because he is “black.” Only… he isn’t black. I’ve been accused of being a “racist” because I point out he isn’t actually a black man.

This may come as a surprise to many people who believed Obama’s story that he was the son of an African man from Kenya, but Mary’s close textural analysis proves he’s a liar, because let’s face it, Hitler wouldn’t even shake Jesse Owens’ hand, so he’s obviously not going to go to all the trouble of ghost-writing speeches for some schvartze, unless he really needed the money.  So Mrs. Mostert is obviously a credible source, except for her oddly varying likenesses.  Above, you see the face she shows to her RenewAmerica Readers.  Below, you see the image she presents to people who visit her personal website, Banner of Liberty.

Marynow.jpgClearly, this presidential campaign has aged her (but then, I imagine it’s given us all a few new gray hairs).  Anyway, back to the Hitler/Obama collaboration (unrivaled since Lennon and McCartney…)

“In 1933 when Adolf Hitler became Chancellor of Germany, he gave an acceptance speech in which he described the then-current condition of Germany as having “seen the unity of the nation vanishing away, dissolving in a confusion of political and personal opinions, economic interests, and ideological differences.” In speeches that mesmerized the German people he promised change, unity and peace if the people would be “obedient” and follow his plans for National Socialism described in his book, Mein Kampf.

Last night Barack Obama made pretty much the same promise. He described this nation as facing the “greatest challenges of our lifetime” and promised change, unity and peace, if only we now will rise and follow him as “one people” into his version of national socialism.”

So if I’m reading Mrs. Mostert correctly, in her opinion George W. Bush fucked up the U.S. even worse than Paul von Hindenberg screwed over Weimer Germany.  I hate to admit it, but when the lady’s right, she’s right…

The remaking of Germany into Hitler’s dream of National Socialism led to World War II and more than 50 million deaths worldwide. I pointed out in March that Obama’s message (http://www.bannerofliberty.com/BOL-2008MQC/3-19-2008.1.html) in effect was that MOST Americans are “victims” who can only be saved by Obama as president and a socialist government — apparently entirely financed by the 5% of the population he calls “rich.”

I prefer the term “parasite,” or “fascist insect that preys upon the people.”  Anyway, if Hitler could cause 50 million deaths, then Obama can probably cause twice that many, because despite his many faults, Hitler was at least a white man, while Obama is a mostly Arab pretending to be half black, so there’s going to be considerable extra carnage just due to confusion about bloodlines, faith, and where to park.

Below are comparisons of Obama’s and Hitler’s speeches upon gaining the leadership of their nations. Although there now are many histories written about Hitler’s leadership of Germany, none of them seem to reflect the upbeat mood of his acceptance speech of February 1, 1933.

Adolf Hitler’s Speech to the German Nation, Berlin:

MORE than fourteen years have passed since the unhappy day when the German people, blinded by promises from foes at home and abroad, lost touch with honor and freedom, thereby losing all. Since that day of treachery, the Almighty has withheld his blessing from our people. Dissension and hatred descended upon us.

Why “upbeat” scarcely describes it — I feel like bursting into SONG!  I feel like DANCING!  But if you’re interested in further examles of Adolf Hitler’s giddy, joyful oratory, versus Barack Obama’s grim, lugubrious, and woeful rhetoric, and why they’re eerily similar, then read the rest of Mary’s article, because she obviously can’t get enough of it.  Me?  I’m going to crack open a fifth of 30 year old Highland Park Scotch and curl up in bed with my freshly arrived copy of the (thanks, s.z.!)

Kyle-Anne Shiver has been quite prolific this week.  After joining the party at Pajamas Media (“Sending the MSM down the river…Then putting its hand in warm water and freezing its bra…”), she’s back in her usual slot at American Thinker, doing what she does best:  Thinking American:


If Barack Obama presents a target-rich environment in his inflated balloon of media hype over one non-accomplishment after another, John McCain presents the opposite.  No hype.  No hot air.

Actually, by this point I think he’s mostly filled with sawdust.

No blathering, bloated claims about ethereal change and meaningless hope in government to save us.  None of this Hollywood stuff for McCain.

Except for his appearances in Wedding Crashers and The Tony Danza Show.  But in his defense, he sulked in his trailer most of the time and wouldn’t make small talk at the Craft Service table.

McCain is scrappy.  He’s a scrounger.

In fact, he’s in your garbage can right now, gnawing on an avocado pit.

He’s downright humble.

Unlike Obama, the Harvey’s Bristol Cream of candidates, who’s downright upright.

Rather than touting his formidable experience, or the fact that he has had three sons in the military

While Senator Obama still refuses to send his 7 and 10-year old daughters to fight in Iraq.

…John McCain presents a true model of decency, self-respect and laudable humility, in the same all-male bundle.

Vote for McCain:  He’s like that bandana full of crap that hobos carry on a stick.

The more I read about John McCain, the more I realize that he embodies so much of what we Americans regard as our exceptionalism of character, our grit and determination, our willingness to strip down to brass tacks to achieve a worthwhile goal

While I don’t personally relish the idea of John McCain stripping, I suspect that deep down, Kyle-Anne would enjoy a peek at his masculine bundle.

…our utter disdain for royal celebrity accoutrement in our leaders.  John McCain is American to the marrow of his bones, going back generations, and evidenced in every sphere of his life.

Vote for McCain:  He’s made from generations-old bones filled with marrow in a sphere.

When the chips were down, did McCain call his celebrity pals in Hollywood to ask for advice and a quick, fancy prop-up and money, money, money? 

Does McCain even have any friends in Hollywood?

Probably not.  Once you get to his age, most of your friends are dead and buried.

John McCain flew to Iraq to celebrate Independence Day in the privileged company of those he has always loved best, his fellow men and women in America’s Armed Forces.

He loves them so much he’s never called them a cunt.

A fancy gym?  No. 

8 houses, but the in-home gymnasia are really quite basic.  Mostly free weights and jacuzzis.

Shopping?  No.

That’s the Sugar Mama’s job.

A bunch of Berliners to cheer him on?  No, no and heck no.

I love this guy!

Why does she suddenly sound like the drunkest guy at a bachelor party?

McCain’s Country-First life is a winner.   I’m not sure we deserve him, but I sure do hope we get him for our next Commander In Chief.

See, I think that’s a mistake.  If we go into this believing we’re not worthy, and wondering why he’s with us when he could obviously do so much better, then he’s just going to smell our low self-esteem and eventually leave us for some younger, prettier country.

Maybe He Should Have Stolen Little Richard’s Jokes As Well

Posted by scott on July 21st, 2008

A court case has been filed on behalf of a 28-year old chimp, and Pat Boone thinks it’s a madhouse, a madhouse…!

Matthew’s lawyer says he only wants his client to be treated like a human child, to be declared a person, and granted four of about 50 rights enjoyed by Europeans: the right to life, limited freedom of movement, personal safety and the right to claim property. And of course, a legal guardian.

In this country, he’d be lining up for food stamps, health care, a driver’s license, unemployment insurance, registration to vote (Democrat) – and, maybe later, application for citizenship.

I’m beginning to think Dr. Zaius was right.  Anyway, Pat doesn’t really care whether some Eurotrash judge grants citizenship to a lower primate, which would then, just as likely as not, gratefully present the magistrate with a fistful of ballistic crap.  However, the case does offer a chance for Pat to offer a sampling of the cutting edge political humor which has led some aficionados to call him the Bill Hicks of the Sansabelt and Early Bird Special set:

Why not run for public office? According to the Yerkes National Primate Research Center at Atlanta’s Emory University, chimps share 98.5 percent of human DNA – roughly the same as some career politicians! The same study claims the ape family shares many of the same characteristics as humans, but not capacity for written language or complex emotions, such as guilt or shame. Sounds perfect for some congressional seats, some court benches and chairmanship of some big oil companies.

I’ll give you a moment to catch your breath; I’m sure I heard a couple of you laughing so hard you did a Metamucil noser; although it could also have been the wheezing typical of a heart attack.

Still, some legal analysts warn of a danger in giving apes equal legal status because an animal’s rights could conflict or even supersede a human’s rights in future court rulings, says USA Today. Richard Cupp, at Pepperdine University’s School of Law, having written extensively on animal vs. human rights, says, “I’d call it a slippery-slope-plus.”

By now you can probably see the man-on-dog moment approaching from miles away…”If we let gays marry, then Jane will leave Tarzan for Cheetah!”

I guess so …next thing you know, the flaky California Supreme Court, already declaring that marriage no longer has to be defined as a covenant between one man and one woman, may quickly grant that status with all its benefits to a man and his chimp, a woman and her ape, or – God forbid – two male gorillas!

Which is as good an opening as any to plug Pat’s upcoming show at the Comedy Pet Theater in Branson, Missouri, where today’s conflation of monkeys and minorities was just as taste of the hilarity Pat has in store for you.  (I don’t want to ruin the surprise, so I’ll just say…if you thought John McCain’s woman-raped-by-a-gorilla jokes were hilarious, well then, buckle your seatbelts boys, ’cause Pat and his sidekick Koko are about to tickle your funny bone with some of today’s finest in non-consensual transpecies humor.  Oh, and ladies, be sure to dress modestly, or Koko might think you’re asking for it.)

On a more serious note, I’d like to take a moment to address an issue of utmost importance to Pat’s readers, judging by the ads accompanying his column:

For too long, America has been sidetracked by weepy-eyed liberal issues like poverty, teen pregnancy, failing inner city schools, and rising income disparity, while ignoring a problem that torments many of the Bush Administrations’ most loyal supporters; an affliction which weakens our moral authority in the Free World, and robs us of the confidence necessary to carelessly fling “crappy little countries against the wall” and advise them to “Suck.  On.  This.”  No red-blooded American male can dare issue such a bold challenge if he is secretly nursing the heartbreak of Man Boobs.  Suppose the jihadis took him up on his dare and indeed sucked it?  Or sucked BOTH of them?  Even worse, suppose, while they were flagrantly sucking on it, his nipples become engorged, and his Man Junk grew tumescent.  And worst of all, suppose all this arousal caused him to began lactating from that pendulous maternal pair he’s concealing behind an Ace bandage and an oversized Chicago Bears stadium parka?

This, my friends, is what killed the Roman Empire:  Man/Monkey marriages and a superabundance of He-Hooters.  Also, jungle music, but we’re okay on that score, because Pat Boone stood athwart History and shouted, “Stop.  In the name of love!  Hey, that’s a pretty good song.  Mind if I rip that off and sing it on the Perry Como Show while you wallow in the ghetto obscurity of Chess Records?  Cool, thanks for the meal ticket. By the way, did anyone ever tell you that you bear a crazy resemblence to a chimp…?”

Krakatoa East Of Jerk-Off

Posted by scott on July 11th, 2008

From the Corner:

Send in the Clones?   []

Artificial volcanoes? The mind reels. Will ponder.

We’re saved.

Rush’s Impotence Just Makes Him More Attractive to Elderly Women Who Hate Sex

Posted by s.z. on June 29th, 2006

Via RushLimbaugh.com Home, here’s Canada’s answer to Peggy Noonan, Crazy Judi McLeod, with ”Being Rush Limbaugh“:

The whole world, it seems is into Viagra.

The romantic days of Rudolph Valentino and his dark eyes to swoon for are ghosts of the past. The days of being old at 40 have come to stay.

I guess what Judi is trying to say is that things were better in her day (the 1920s), because back then, men had the decency to die young, and so they never needed impotency drugs.

With everybody on Viagra, who wants to kiss and tell?

Tittering tattletales at international airports, when they catch radio giant Rush Limbaugh, that’s who.

Caught with “Cialis Levitra” in his luggage on the way back from the Dominican Republic at Palm Beach International Airport, held for three hours but never charged, Mr. Rush got rushed into the news by smarmy little guys who get to take their Viagra secrets all the way to the grave.

Yes, anybody who said anything about Rush’s latest violation of the state’s drug laws is small, smarmy, and a secret user of Viagra. It’s the old “It takes one to know one” law.

As Radio’s number one personality, Rush didn’t think to hide his Viagra pills in an aspirin tin, like his detractors surely would have done.

I personally hide my Viagra in my maid’s Oxycontin tin, because I believe no one would think of looking there.

But Judi is right about one thing: as “Radio’s” biggest “personality,” Rush thought he was above the law — and it’s a sad commentary on modern society that he was wrong about this.

An icon of the right, lefties would be gunning for the great Rush everywhere, even when he was in back-from-vacation relax mode.

It’s wrong, WRONG of lefties to gun for the great Rush when he was in back-from-the-sex-tour-post-coital relax mode.

For the tell-it-all enemy, Rush is big game.

It’s not as if a Hillary Clinton or a Nancy Pelosi could sneak his diary off a bedside table, where Rush only keeps copies of the Bible and books like Help! Mom! There’s a Liberal Under My Bed! And Rush doesn’t wear a toupee.

Judi has documentary evidence that Hillary and Nancy have tried many a time to sneak Rush’s diary off his bedside table, but were foiled by the fact that Rush is functionally illiterate, and doesn’t have any hair.

They wouldn’t dare to make fun of his hearing problems. That would be too politically incorrect.

Opiate-induced hearing loss is one of the PC-movement’s most sacred of cows.

Straight as the proverbial arrow, and rumoured to be even something of a womanizer, there’s not much gossip in the romantic department about Rush Limbaugh, no blue dress stuff.

Here’s my best translation of the above: “Sure, Rush may be a dirty, old horndog, but at least he’s not gay, like Bill Clinton, who used to wear Monica’s blue dress when she wasn’t looking.”

Skeletons in Rushes’ closet don’t get to hang in the back with the musty clothes; they’re dragged out to dance happy jigs on the blogosphere.

If airport authorities had clocked any other Romeo with Viagra in their luggage, there would be no news to leak.

But Rush Limbaugh is “that capitalist pig Rush Limbaugh”.

Yes, the news media hate Rush because he’s a capitalist, and therefore one of their sworn enemies.

Judi, Judi, Judi, you ignorant slutt. Did you miss the part where the blogosphere was calling him not a capitalist pig, but “that drug-addicted hypocrite, Rush Limbaugh”?  The Internet works even in Canada, Judy.

So the guy who coined the term “FemiNazis” would be open game for politically correct malcontents.

Lefties and their running dogs would go to most any length to embarrass Limbaugh. How many of their heroes smile at you from behind their latest dose of Botox?

Botox prescribed for somebody else’s face, even!!!

So Rush Limbaugh had a bottle of Viagra apparently prescribed to someone else in his socks and bvds.

The drugs were hidden in his briefs and socks?  How does Judi know this detail?

(But yeah, so what if the drug was prescribed for somebody else? It’s not like we should expect a womanizing straight arrow like Rush to get his own sex drugs.)

He later joked on his popular radio show that the pills came from the Clinton Library and he was told they were blue M&Ms.

It’s funny because Bill Clinton was caught will illegal Viagra in his possession ALL THE TIME!

Meanwhile, we don’t know what Viagra’s done for Rush Limbaugh, but we do know what Rush has done for Viagra. Now that Rush has been caught with it, Viagra sales are bound to soar.

Because all women want Rush, and all men want to be like him (sweaty, pudgy, impotent, and unappealing). Like I said before (in a post that the forces of capitalism made me delete), Rush IS the prototypical Viagra user, and no doubt Pfizer will soon be paying him several million a year to endorse their product.

There goes Rush Limbaugh, a capitalist even when coming off vacation.

It really was nice of him to spare a thought for the pharmaceutical industry at a time like that, even though their product apparently didn’t work all that well for him, since he was returning with 29 pills. Buy hey, the working girls of the Dominican Republic probably thanked him for his support of capitalism too, even if he couldn’t seal the deal.