I apologize for the scanty posting, but our usual wingnut friends have really been leaving it in the locker room lately. Fortunately, WorldNetDaily has just brought up a young prospect from the farm level, and let me tell you — this kid really knows how to bring the heat.

This year, as the birth-control pill turns 50

…it now has to get yearly prostate exams.

America is discovering a lethal side effect. It’s called moral stupefaction. The pill has made an entire generation of adult Americans progressively more stupidly infantile.

America’s most mature and intelligent adults:

One half-century of a fatal, anti-baby culture is killing us. There is a culture-wide inability to think intelligently about what we have done to ourselves.

Remember the days of uncontrolled fertility and high maternal and infant mortality rates? Man, we were smart back then…

When the saga of oral contraception began in 1960, my surviving peers and I were in kindergarten. I say “surviving” because the pill emerged the year my classmates were conceived.

So you attended kindergarten as a fetus? These Head Start programs are getting out of hand.

This was the year some of my other peers were not conceived.

“[P]eers who were not conceived” seems like an overly fancy term for “imaginary friends.”

The fanatical eugenics crusader Margaret Sanger had been demanding a “miracle pill” since 1923. In 1953 she persuaded a rich, frustrated, anti-child feminist to bankroll hormone experiments on women. Eight-hundred ninety-seven test subjects, who did not want to have babies, simply popped the new experimental drug. Eureka. No babies.

Well, you can’t argue with success. Thanks, Science!

My surviving peers grew up being taught this was success in the name of science, in the name of the future and in the name of the state. The FDA approved commercial sales in 1960, and the Sanger generation, seated in the kindergartens of a government school system, would now give life to a culture of death.

Right after Story Time and finger painting.

I have since wondered which of my potential classmates missed their birth days.

I’m guessing all of them.

And I wonder how many of my kindergarten friends lost little brothers and sisters when the pill went on the market that first year of school – the year my school chums were celebrating each others’ 6th birthdays.

I think you forfeit the right to have your argument taken seriously if
A) You use the word “chums,” and
B) You’re not Adam West.

We were the culminating fruit of the eugenics movement.

That’s the worst name for a school athletics team I’ve ever heard.

Soon my hot-blooded classmates were matriculated into junior high.

To the accompaniment of Foreigner’s Double Vision album.

They were now old enough to taste social freedom themselves, and they all knew exactly what this culture of freedom was. It was an endorsement by science and government to be immature and irresponsible. They knew exactly where babies came from. And they knew this drugs-and-personal-self-indulgence culture was anti-baby. Eureka. Perpetual fun, no consequences, and no babies.

That sounds…awful?

For the Sanger generation, mature family life with children was no longer a part of growing up. Approved drugs could be obtained – free – by the healthy adolescent for a new cultural purpose: to bypass the responsibilities of family.

Mature, responsible adolescents start making babies the instant their testicles drop.

These drugs cured no medical ailment, but promoted a long-term social purpose endorsed by the government. The FDA, the Post Office, the courts and the school curriculum all approved of the new “pill” culture.

The Post Office? Seriously? You’re not just pining for the Fifties like most wingnuts, you’re actually weeping bitter, salty tears over the Comstock Act? Wow. I’m accustomed to reactionary pundits who want to turn back to the clock, but Mr. Botkin apparently wants to turn back the sundial. Let’s check his bio…

Well, you’ve got to admit, he’s got a friendly face.

Geoffrey Botkin is the founder of the Western Conservatory of the Arts and Sciences. He is the host of a mentoring webinar for men at www.westernconservatory.com.

His wife and two daughters are profiled along with (Reverend? Lay Preacher?) Mr. Botkin at Vision for Ministries:

Geoffrey Botkin is a Christian leader and mentor to pastors in New Zealand, a nation that holds promise for the reformation of Christian civilization…Geoffrey is the father of Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin, recent co-authors of Vision Forum’s best-selling book, So Much More, a book which is reintroducing the West to concepts of multi-generational family fruitfulness and the ways daughters can become cultural leaders by becoming dynamic assets of family and church.

Unfortunately, Anna Sophia and Elizabeth were recently confiscated by the federal government when the FDIC determined they were “troubled assets.” Anyway, back to the way the Pill raped Modern Culture, and then didn’t even have the decency to give it a baby…

Take a pill and engineer the population of an entire nation. Take a pill and be yourself. Take a pill and gratify your desires immediately. Take a pill and protect yourself from the consequences of infantile stupidity.

So there’s a pill that will relieve me of the urge to read your column?

Now, sex and recreation were co-joined with the concept of permanent adolescence. An entire generation was listening to Mick Jagger croon, “Let’s Spend the Night Together,” and Jim Morrison scream, “Light My Fire!”

They were also listening to the 1910 Fruitgum Company sing “Goody Goody Gumdrops” and Frankie Avalon croon “True, True Love” and “Theme from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.”

Federal bureaucrats were doing their part in the revolution, not just giving pills to poor minorities (per Lyndon Johnson), but to school girls (per Margaret Sanger).

She was our worst President ever.

My headstrong peers graduated to yet greater social freedoms, with fewer and fewer responsibilities. The first year of dorm life in college was an opportunity for unlimited indulgence and uninhibited childishness. When the pill didn’t work, my peers threw tantrums to demand a backup, another “fix” for the wages of indulgence. It came that year, right on time, with Roe v. Wade. I remember campus discussions about legalized abortion.

“It’s murder, isn’t it?”

“Of course it’s murder. Everybody knows it’s murder. But it’s legal. And it’s just a baby. The Supreme Court said it’s totally OK to abort. So it’s totally OK.”

How nice that they have Special Ed programs at the college level.

Eureka. Perpetual intemperance, no babies and no arrest warrant for murder.

Well, I’d call that a good day. Now comes Miller Time.

But consequences of the death culture are piling up. The children they never had are not there to keep the economy strong.

If only we had more crack babies on welfare, we wouldn’t have had to bail out AIG.

The government’s solution? No babies. According to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the government must tax more workers to pay for more state-funded contraception so there are fewer children to take care of, thus relieving the nanny state of the high costs of raising children for infantile parents.

Ah yes, Nancy Pelosi — mother of five, and anti-baby jihadist.

But the absence of babies leads to, well, something the Sanger generation does not want to think about: future consequences. Infants think only about the immediate present. Infantile men have the same problem.

Voting Republican?

Could this be true partly because of the pill and what the pill does to men physiologically? An estimated 110 million women currently ingest the pill. Large amounts of unprocessed estrogen and progesterone pass through their bodies, into the sewage treatment systems and back into the water supply…

Male fish down river from these plants are becoming physiologically female.

It’s a valid lifestyle choice.

When male humans drink the water or eat the fish, what happens to them? Why is sperm count falling in American men?

Well, it could have something to do with the industrial and agricultural chemicals that saturate the environment: “Among the estrogen mimickers scientists are concerned about are carbon chlorines, used in many pesticides; phthalates, widely used in the plastics industry to soften PVC; and dioxin, a byproduct of paper processing and herbicides.”

So unless Archer Daniels Midland is using woman pee as a pesticide, I think toxic runoff from factory farms remains a greater threat to public health than the consequences of eating a tranny trout.

Why is breast-reduction surgery on the rise in men?

Well, I don’t know about you, but these boobs are killing my back. Plus, yesterday I got poked by my underwire.

Why do men show such passivity?

Because we’re Passive Purple Four Balls!

Why do they insist that overpopulation is still the No. 1 environmental problem when there are so few babies?

Really? I guess you haven’t been to a movie theater lately. Or a grocery store. Or on an airplane…

Fifty-nine modern nations are plagued by the high-tech benefits of birth-control pills.

And that would be — what? Flying cars? Warp drive? Programmable sex droids?

Each of them have waged a cultural war against babies.

So far, we’ve barely held our own, thanks to our high-tech, birth control-powered weapons, and the babies’ preference for fighting like barbarian warriors — with sword and shield — mostly because their diapers can double as loincloths.

Each of them suffer below-replacement birthrates. Each of them face potential extinction.

Apparently he saw Battlefield Earth, which opens with the words, “Man is an Endangered Species,” and he’s afraid that soon we’ll all be wearing leather Viking pants and French braids, like Barry Pepper, and mining gold for genocidal aliens who sport deadlocks and platform shoes from the Bootsy Collins collection. But don’t worry, Geoff, because even though we’ll be crapping behind bushes and barely able to summon fire from flint and tinder, we’ll be totally capable of flying thousand year-old F-16s, so we can bomb the Pfizer plant that makes birth control pills.

But concerns such as national suffering, dangerous international geopolitics and the disappearance of entire nations are matters that would require mature thinking – something that was successfully bred-out of the American people when they accepted the pill as, in the words of Hugh Hefner, the greatest invention of the 20th century.

So is it just the Pill, or do all forms of contraception make you stupid, infantile, and indifferent to the disappearance of entire nations? Suppose Luxembourg vanished, overnight — even though the study door was locked from the inside! — would I still be able to solve the mystery — assuming I just use condoms and hadn’t caught man-boobs from girl urine or hermaphrodite mahi mahi? Or would the baffled police have to bring in a consulting detective who likes to bareback?

Why Can't A Woman Be More Like A Man? | 48 Comments »

Teddy Pendergrass
Born: March 26, 1950. Died: January 13, 2010.
Teddy was the lead singer of Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes, and went on to a successful solo career throughout the late ’70’s and early ’80’s, even after an auto accident that left him paralyized in 1982.
Here he is singing his biggest solo hit, “Close the Door“, in a live performance from 1979.

So Pat Robertson’s still here. Rush Limbaugh — still up and walking about. But we lose this guy.
Life ain’t fair.

–Bill S

One Of The Good Dead Ones, People We Like, Guest Column | 6 Comments »

RILEY: Simon Says…Hold your paws like this!

Wild Things | 12 Comments »

You may remember J. Matt “Bam Bam” Barber — and if so, my sympathies — who first came to our attention in June, 2005, when he was martyred by his employer (scroll down to Allstate Persecutes Christian). Now, granted, he wasn’t nailed to a cross, immolated, wrapped in the skins of wild beasts and torn apart by dogs, or boiled in pitch, he was just fired for being assholier than thou, but it did make him a cause celebre in Right Wingtopia, and led to a stint as a Concerned Woman for America, and later, “Director of Cultural Affairs with Liberty Counsel and Associate Dean with the Liberty University School of Law,” an impressive-sounding position which seems to consist primarily of Matt acting shocked, shocked about the abundance of gay dudes in San Francisco.

Well, today Matt is reaching out to another man who’s been flayed, scourged, and murdered for his faith in Jesus: Brit Hume.

The crucifixion of Brit Hume

During the Roman Empire’s secularist era those who acknowledged the deity of Christ were frequently fed to the lions

Until I read Matt’s column, I’d had no idea that the pre-Christian Roman Empire was secular. On the contrary, I thought they were fairly lousy with gods — indigenous gods, pilfered foreign pantheons, harvest deities, demi-gods, household gods — but then, I’m not an Associate Dean at a law school “committed to academic and professional excellence in the context of the Christian intellectual tradition.”

to entertain — for lack of a better word — the “progressive” elites of the day. There’s little doubt that if many of today’s secular-”progressives” (more accurately: “moonbat liberals”) had their way, Caesar Obama would call out the lions once again.

Nothing more “progressive” than the Roman patricians, as witnessed by their taste for execution by wild animal, which back then was kind of like watching “The West Wing.”

Nothing makes the left lose its collective noodle like an open proclamation of Christian faith.

Which is why liberals haven’t existed since 380 AD. Theodosius stole their noodle.

You don’t see it when Muslims proselytize in government schools; the ACLU doesn’t sue when Wiccans share their witchy ways; militant “gay” activists don’t picket Buddhist temples with bullhorns while inhabitants grasp at Zen.

Astonishing, since Buddhists are known for their militant anti-gay activism.

No, there’s something about Christianity that just drives ‘em nuts. Always has. Always will.

Especially that “liberation theology.” I remember how that drove poor, unabashed leftist John Paul II right off his papal pasta.

Case in point: Fox News veteran Brit Hume both publicly pronounced his own faith in Jesus Christ and boldly suggested that Tiger Woods might find “forgiveness and redemption” for his serial philandering should he “turn to the Christian faith.”

Despite his boldness, he was not immediately devoured by lions.

Hume first offered Tiger the advice on “Fox News Sunday” and then reiterated his sage, though decidedly non-PC council on “The O’Reilly Factor” the following night.

This morning, he appeared on “Fox and Friends” to add rosemary and thyme council, making a savory, lip-smacking broth of sanctimony.

When asked by host Bill O’Reilly what kind of response he’d received for his comments, Hume replied, in part: “It’s always been a puzzling thing to me. The Bible even speaks of it. You speak the name Jesus Christ… and all hell breaks loose.”

Yes indeed.

I’m with Matt here, I really don’t understand why so many people think Hume’s remarks were inappropriate on a news channel. I mean, the only reason I even go to church is to get the updated AccuWeather forecast and the ball scores.

After Hume made his comments, and as if on cue (Lord forgive them for not knowing what they do or why they do it) liberals went apoplectic. Here’s a small sampling:

MSNBC’s reliably raspy Keith Olbermann

“reliably raspy”…?

Olblubberman

J. Matt “Fat jokes never get old!” Barber in undated file photo.

While the mainstream media’s rage was clumsily managed (or masked), unbridled hate boiled over in the left-wing blogosphere.

On the sexual anarchist site, “JoeMyGod,” poster “QScribe” suggested that Brit Hume’s deceased son had been “gay” and viciously accused Hume of being responsible for the young man’s suicide: “Brit Hume still hasn’t ‘repented’ for trashing his gay son and driving him to suicide. When I want moral guidance from a pig like that, I’ll be sure to ask. Until then, he really ought to STFU.” (Hume has publicly shared that his son’s heartbreaking suicide played a large role in his acceptance of Christ.)

That’s sort of closing the barn door after the horse has been rendered into dog food and glue. The “sexual anarchist” thing, however, sounds promising — alas, not even Joe of Joe. My. God knows what Bam Bam is talking about.

The next commenter…Commenting on the Huffington Post…

You get the idea.

I get the idea that by “left-wing blogosphere” you mean a grand total of two comments — not even posts — you laboriously cherry-picked.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I very much enjoy watching liberals go goofy when the light of truth pierces that shadowy void called moral relativism. When the left’s religion of choice — secular-humanism — is challenged through exposure to the gospel message, they almost universally and instinctively react with such visceral, knee-jerk spasms. You can set your clock to it.

I used to wake up to the mellow, easy-listening sounds of smooth jazz, but it was too easy to hit the snooze button, so now I set my clock radio to the local gospel music station and let the knee spasms wake me up.

But believe it or not, there’s actually something rather delightful about such hateful lashing about. These poor souls — to be pitied and prayed for — fail to realize that, manifest within their own unwittingly bizarre behavior, is certain affirmation of the very words of Christ on the subject.

Christ was infamous for trolling liberal blogs.

Now, I’m real sorry that most “progressives” and other non-believers feel that Christianity is deficiently “tolerant” or “inclusive” of various man-made religions and lifestyle choices. But it’s just not our call. Christ Himself reveals over and again that the pathway to heaven is a very narrow one, requiring membership in a rather “exclusive” club — a club wherein belief in Him and repentance from sin are the only membership requirements.

As revealed by his holy prophet, Brit Hume.

Christ said: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6). Note that, rather conspicuously, He did not say: “…No one comes to the Father except through me, the Buddha, Muhammad, Ganesh, and — on Tuesdays — L. Ron Hubbard.”

Shhh! Don’t tell Greta van Susteren she’s been pissing away her Tuesdays.

So, Brit Hume had it right, didn’t he? I mean, it is kind of an all or nothing proposition, isn’t it?

That’s the thing about absolutism — IT’S TOTALLY CORRECT!

As my favorite author and Christian apologist C.S. Lewis famously pointed out in his blockbuster book “Mere Christianity,” Christ could only have been one of three things: A lunatic, a liar, or — as Jesus oft claimed and as billions have believed — the sovereign Lord and Creator of the universe.

Or he could have been misquoted. Or a myth. Or a patsy for Paul, the L. Ron Hubbard of the First Century.

Lewis didn’t really think this through, did he?

So, what does this all mean? Well, and please take this in the spirit (little ’s’) intended: Brit Hume’s woolly, wily, wandering critics really ought to just un-knot their knickers; mudra, mantra or something; and seriously reflect upon the man’s words and heart.

And Matt ought to stop stealing Doug Giles’ shtick.

Oh Lord | 31 Comments »

I noticed the other day that Dr. Professor Mike Adams is now on Twitter, and wondered how an ego with the brobdingnagian dimensions of his would cope with such a circumscribed medium. But judging by the tweets below (a random sampling from the past few days) the 140-character limit does not seem to impair Dr. Mike’s natural douchebaggery in the slightest. In fact, I’ve gained a new respect for him, and am firmly convinced he could make a luminously inflamed asshole of himself with nothing to work with but punctuation:

True, I did say feminists are so dumb they need seminars to learn to masturbate. I didn’t mean to be offensive. I was taken out of context!

I say “Give me a piece, and give me a chance.” Not “Give peace a chance.” I’m a gun owner, not a stinking hippie.

Just got a bad Amazon review on “Feminists Say the Darndest Things.” I don’t know why the feminist is mad. It’s not like I aborted her dog.

We need an untrasound that identifies future abortion doctors. They, and only they, should be aborted.

Don’t tell me why you support abortion. Tell someone who was adopted.

Maybe it’s almost time for a second Civil War. If you keep telling me to be civil - while taking what is mine - there’s gonna be a war.

New Year’s message from Mike Adams to Muslim extremists: Let’s get it on. Bitches!

Happy New Year everyone! May we bring peace to the world by killing far more Muslim extremists than we did last year!

Speaking of men who wield the Mother Tongue like a tubesock full of gall stones, Pastor Swank has resumed his on again/off again affair with Jim Crow-era terms of endearment:

The Boy screwed up but points fingers at all others who screwed up.

And so America “dodged” another calamity by the skin of its inept Oval Office occupant and criminal-stained shadow government of amateurs spinning the country.

Lucky for us the President has skin.

Obama is the bright and morning star who promised hope in change that would never point fingers; however, Muslims lie per the Koran’s virtue list and therefore Obama can do just that—again—to be orthodox Islamic.

Uncle Samarra Wants YOU for the Caliphate!

It must have been the Hawaiian air that brought our Muslim leader to his senses on this Tuesday’s twosome “screwed up.”

Ever since Obama endorsed it, the Pastor’s brain has been boycotting air.

If Obama does not wise up instead of screw up we’ll all be plugged by a “bullet.”

Which will have to be even more magical than the slug that nailed JFK and Governor Connolly.

His alliances with Islam World Rule will see to that. His Muslim colleagues assisting on Pennsylvania Avenue work night and day to precision the “bullet.”

And it’s delicate work, conjugating the verb “to precise.”

Then Obama calls these cohorts “brave individuals.” But wait a minute? Is he referring actually to patriots left in positions of authority by which we can truly be protected? Or is this another nod to his comrades in setting up the final fall of America? Only time will tell.

You want anything while we’re waiting? Pretzels? Fresca? Maybe a Hot Pocket?

It’s sickening. America has come to this low-level in its history. And this so close after 9 / 11 that we have One of Them Power-Slinging from the White House.

That One is One of Them? It’s even worse than McCain thought!

Rid the White House of its Islamic curse.

Right you are, Pastor. First thing we have to do is return all the Aztec gold to Isla de Muerta, then we need to take blood samples from some pirates…

Can I Peek Under Your Hood? | 27 Comments »

“We’ve got post-holiday depression.”

Wild Things | 8 Comments »

You may remember Gary DeMar, doyenne of the pro-theocracy website American Vision (”Exercising Servanthood Dominion”) from this piece (”Homosexual Marriages: Square Peg, Round Hole”). Well, he’s back, and seems to have had a change of heart, since his current column is a helpful guide to in-flight cruising. But beware, boys — Gary likes it rough.

No More Terror in the Skies if Men take Charge

How many of you have heard about the November 17, 2009 AirTran Flight 297 from Atlanta to Houston? While there is some confusion about what really happened, there is no doubt some passengers were alarmed enough to leave the plane when it returned to the gate. They believed a terrorist “dry run” was in progress.

And I know some people who still refuse to shower in a motel since seeing Psycho.

AirTran has downplayed the “alleged incident.” Were these men just messing with the passengers? I don’t know, but I’m not taking any chances. Were they scouting the reaction of the passengers for another group that has plans to carry out a future terror mission? It doesn’t matter. I refuse to stand by while a bunch of Islamic terrorists use me and my fellow passengers to make some perverted religio-political statement.

“Am I likely to be arrested after shrieking in panic and stabbing a fellow passenger in the wrist with my spork because he looks even more like Nasser than I do? That’s irrelevant.”

I’m not going down in an airplane without a fight.

But, as you’ll see, going down in an airplane toilet is a different thing entirely.

If a group of crazed men want to overpower a flight crew, they’ll find a way to do it or die trying and take the plane and its passengers with them. All it takes is a few razor blades…Razor blades can easily be concealed. But who even needs razor blades? There are some very hard plastics and composite materials that can be sharpened enough to slit a throat. (Think how easily paper can cut skin.)

You know, I’m no Jason Bourne, but I’m pretty sure even I could handle a terrorist who was trying to kill everyone on an airplane with a piece of stationery.

So what do we do? While the government has decided not to scrutinize Mid-Eastern men out of fear of verbal and legal assaults from the ACLU and Muslim advocacy groups like CAIR, there’s nothing stopping us from doing it. This isn’t to say that there may not be home-grown terrorists trying to bring down planes, but odds are that, to use Ann Coulter’s phrase, it’s going to be a group of “swarthy men.”

Yes, but but the phrase a group of’’swarthy men” is Ann Coulter’s answer to everything, including the question, Where is my next orgasm coming from?

And it will take a group of them to do it. So if you see five or ten Mid-Eastern types, probably traveling without wives and children, be suspicious. If you spot such a group, size them up physically.

Check out each man’s package. Try to spot which way he dresses. Ask him if he’s circumcised, then demand he produce his penis to substantiate his claims.

Could you take most of them—man to man—in a fight?

I guess it depends on the kind of combat. If it’s Greco-Roman wrestling, here’s a tip: fight nude and oil up your flanks and torso before the match; that’ll make it harder to keep you in what wrestlers call a “submission hold,” and Gary and the boys at The American Vision call “servanthood dominion.”

Introduce yourself to the other men on the flight. Ask them about their destination, work, and family. Do they fly a lot? Talk about sports is always a good ice breaker. Did they play football in high school or college? For how long? Get an idea of their physical abilities. Do they look in shape? If they’re wearing short sleeves, take a look at their forearms. Meaty forearms are a good sign.

Other good ice breakers include: “Do you like gladiator movies?”, “I find your forearms very meaty. That’s usually a good sign for me,” and “I used to think these seat belts were uncomfortable, until I got my three-strap penis cage.”

The goal is to make the men feel comfortable knowing that there are other men who will do something if there’s trouble. Nothing needs to be said directly, but they’ll know when the time comes for action.

No need to even get up from your seat. Just widen your stance and nudge your neighbor’s foot with your own. He’ll get the message.

If the terrorists get wind of what’s happening, all the better. It will force them to look for softer targets.

Leaving the hard targets for Gary. The harder the better.

How to Strangle a Terrorist
Let’s say five “swarthy men” get up from their seats and begin to terrorize the passengers and shout threats while five more head for the cockpit. What are you going to do? How far are you willing to go to stop them? What if they threaten to kill a passenger? Have you ever been in a knife fight?

And say, so long as we’re getting to know each other…Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

You have to be willing to die but put all your effort in staying alive.

These decisions must be made before you ever get on another plane. This means you and I have to prepare for the possibility that the next flight we take might be taken over by radical Muslims.

How far in advance must I make that decision? When I’m standing at the gate, twitching and sweating so badly the ink on my boarding pass is running, or a little earlier, when I read this piece by Nate Silver:

Over the past decade, according to BTS, there have been 99,320,309 commercial airline departures that either originated or landed within the United States. Dividing by six, we get one terrorist incident per 16,553,385 departures.

These departures flew a collective 69,415,786,000 miles. That means there has been one terrorist incident per 11,569,297,667 mles flown. This distance is equivalent to 1,459,664 trips around the diameter of the Earth, 24,218 round trips to the Moon, or two round trips to Neptune.

[T]here has been one terrorist incident per 27,221,877 hours airborne. This can also be expressed as one incident per 1,134,245 days airborne, or one incident per 3,105 years airborne.

[T]he odds of being on given departure which is the subject of a terrorist incident have been 1 in 10,408,947 over the past decade. By contrast, the odds of being struck by lightning in a given year are about 1 in 500,000. This means that you could board 20 flights per year and still be less likely to be the subject of an attempted terrorist attack than to be struck by lightning.

Anyway, Gary, go on with your thought experiment: What if Chuck Norris had been on that plane that crashed into the Pentagon…?

We can’t sit back and watch it happen. We know what’s going to happen if they succeed in taking control of the airplane.

And we also know, from Flight 93, and the Shoe Bomber and BVD Bomber cases, that passengers will no longer remain acquiescent in the face of a hijacking. The era of people sitting obediently in their seats for three days on a tarmac somewhere while their captors negotiate for the release of imprisoned comrades is over, because passengers now assume that even — or especially — if they cooperate, they’re going to wind up dying in a spectacular fireball. With 9/11 the terrorists successfully “upped the stakes” as movie development executives love to say, much like the producers of the Bond films did with Goldfinger. Which meant that in You Only Live Twice, Blofeld was obliged to launch rockets from an extinct volcano and hijack American and Soviet space capsules in order to spark a nuclear war, rather doing what he did in the book — cultivating a garden full of poisonous plants in order to help depressed Japanese people commit suicide in a more poetic way. Audiences expect the climax to feature Bond infiltrating the massive, yet secret volcano headquarters with an army of ninjas and then blowing the place up, rather than simply delivering a summons from the County Department of Agriculture to the film’s super-villain, citing him for possession of exotic flora without a permit.

Someone must verbally take charge; otherwise people will not respond. That means the person who responds to the terrorists first must tell every man what to do to defend the women on the plane. Appeal to every man’s sense of obligation toward the women and their families.

As you’re commandeering the economy cabin, and drafting all able-bodied men into your on-board militia, reject any offers of help from the females present by gently explaining the concept of male spiritual Headship. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that when I was teaching Kenpo Karate, I worked with a number of women who could easily have kicked Gary’s ass — and mine — but I suppose any man who would sub-contract out his Headship isn’t worth his servanthoody.)

If you never really had the incentive to get into better physical condition, now’s the time to do it. Begin by walking, first on flat surfaces then up hills until you’re winded. Work until you can exert yourself strenuously for at least one minute without getting out of breath. Jumping rope is good exercise and a neat skill to master. This will give you the stamina you’ll need to keep an attacker from getting the best of you until someone else comes along to help. Remember, an airplane is close quarters. That’s to your advantage. The terrorists will be spread throughout the plane and will not be able to get to points of resistance quickly.

It’s like if Sun Tzu had written Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Pick an aisle seat, especially if you are traveling with your wife and children. Your positioning will allow you to move fast at the first sign of danger and to serve as a barrier to protect anyone traveling with you. You will also have a better line of sight.

If your wife objects to you repeatedly tackling people who were just on their way to the toilet, remind her that God personally gave you dominion over the beasts and the Earth, and if she doesn’t like your Headship, she can just suck it.

If you can, pick a seat in the front of the plane.

The best way to immobilize an attacker is by approaching him from behind.

Which is why it’s best to be sitting in front of him. Got it. Thanks for the strategy session, von Clausewitz.

A frontal assault may be your only opportunity, but you’ll want to avoid being cut. This will mean protecting yourself long enough for someone else to get behind the terrorist. Wrap your jacket or shirt around your arm for protection. It wouldn’t hurt to carry a pair of stiff work gloves in your carry-on bag to protect your hands. A rolled-up in-flight magazine makes a good club. Put it to good use; it’s free.

However, don’t wrap a blanket or pillow around your arm, because they charge for those now.

Here’s what you should do if you’re the guy who can get behind the terrorist. Use your belt as a garrote.

Choking a terrorist with your belt will make you a hero! However, if you wind up with your pants down around your ankles during an action sequence, this means you’re probably the comic relief.

There are other self-defense measures, but these are the simplest to perform for the untrained. What else can you use for a weapon? In the right hands, a stout ballpoint pen can do plenty of damage if driven into the soft tissue just under the jaw. Always think “McGyver.” In the right hands, a stout ballpoint pen can do plenty of damage. There’s a scene in The Bourne Identity (2002) that will show you the best technique to use.

But what Gary doesn’t tell you is that in the right hands, a stout ballpoint pen can do plenty of damage. Anyway, the solution to airline bombings and hijackings is clear: show episodes of “McGyver” and the Bourne movies throughout the flight, but refuse to rent headsets to any Middle Eastern-looking men, so when you stab them in the soft palate with a stout ballpoint pen, they won’t be expecting it. Especially if they were just sitting there, reading.

Pump Some Iron

Spent time in the steam room at the gym, trading training tips with other men. Pick the best built guys to approach, since they clearly know what they’re talking about, and ask them to demonstrate which exercises impact which areas of the body by flexing each muscle group.

Work out three or four days a week for about 20 to 30 minutes each day. If you want a basic routine using only dumbbells, email me at mail@AmericanVision.org and I’ll send you what I’ve developed for beginners.

Include a photo.

Taking Back the Skies

It’s time American men take charge. Your wife will love you for it, and you might even save some lives. There is a new battlefield. Normandy was of a different time and place. The terrorists have brought the fight to our homes. If we’re ever going to feel safe again without turning America into a police state, we’ve got to push political correctness aside and take real action.

Real masculine action. Muscular action.

To quote Joel Robinson from the MST3K episode, Hercules: “Looks like it’s a big, brawny, hairy, glistening, two-fisted manly day!”

Smell the Man Musk | 43 Comments »

I’ve got a treat for you, kids. Today we’re fortunate to be visited by longtime Wo’C guest columnist Bill S., scourge of wingnut movies and critics alike, who had the nerve to go where I feared to tread this year. Take it away, Bill!

Earlier this month, the Lifetime Movie Network treated us to a heartwarming trio of films aired back-to-back: The Christmas Shoes, a made-for-TV movie inspired by the Worst. Christmas. Song. Ever., followed by its two sequels, The Christmas Blessing and The Christmas Hope.

[Note from Scott: It appears that the movie, The Christmas Shoes was based on a novel, which was based on a song — at least, that’s the lineage according to author Donna Van Liere, and why would a writer lie about swiping her literary premise from the crappiest Christmas carol ever (unless she’s just trying to shift the blame a bit)?]

I taped them all, with the intention of offering a review of all three in time for Christmas. Unfortunately, I was only able to get through the first one, so the other two will have to wait til next Christmas. Something to look forward to, I suppose. Even more unfortunately, I still hadn’t finished writing the first draft by Christmas day, so you’ll excuse my tardiness. You might think of this as a package that arrived a bit late. Or maybe a fabulous post-holiday markdown. Or a slice of leftover, moldy fruitcake. I like to think it’s all three…

THE CHRISTMAS SHOES
Our story begins, fittingly enough, in a cemetery. Rob Lowe is visiting his mother’s grave on Christmas Eve. The only other visitor is a mysterious young man in a baseball cap, standing at another grave just a few feet away. Who could he be? We don’t know yet, but we soon will, as the film flashes back to a Christmas many years ago…

It’s 1985, although many of the cars, and Rob Lowe’s face, are clearly from two decades later. Rob is a lawyer, and his wife Kate is a stay-at-home mom who looks after their daughter Lily. They seem to have a perfect life, except he’s such a busy, workaholic yuppie he has no time to enjoy the small, incidental pleasures like attending his daughter’s concert recitals, or actually talking to his wife. What a tool.

Lily begs him to attend her next concert, and Rob promises her he will. His conviction is so strong, so clear, that we know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will screw up and miss it. While in town for some important lawyering, a delivery truck whizzes by him and a package drops out the back and hits the ground by his feet, flying open. Rob picks it up to examine its contents: a pair of tacky red women’s shoes with little sprigs of holly drawn on them. CHRISTMAS SHOES! Noting they aren’t his style (he actually DOES say this), he tries to return them to the truck, which by this time is about half a mile away. His attempt to return the box consists of standing in the same spot, holding one shoe aloft and saying, in a slightly louder tone, “Hey!” What a tool.

Later, he passes the home of Maggie Andrews (Kimberly Williams). She’s out in the front yard, teaching her son Nathan the finer points of hurling footballs at moving vehicles. Rob gives her pointers and departs. Nathan races his mother back to the house, but Maggie seems to be having trouble keeping up. Her pace gets slower and her breathing gets shallow, which either indicates that she’s got a Movie-of-the-Week disease of the week, or she’s just trying to match the director’s tone, since most of this movie is slow and shallow.

Maggie’s husband, Jack, is a schlubby auto mechanic. Nathan pleads with him for a puppy, and his mother supports this. Jack, however, shoots down the idea by going into Nathan’s room and hauling out a bowl containing a pair goldfish floating belly-up. He declares Nathan “irresponsible,” which is ironic coming from a guy who let his son keep a pair of dead fish in his bedroom for two weeks.

Read the rest of this entry »

Movies, Happy Holidays, Guest Column | 14 Comments »

You remember Russ J. Alan, RenewAmerica’s resident “adventurist” and “philosophist,” who we last saw here, fretting over the possibility that the Fort Hood shootings would fail to ignite an anti-Muslim pogrom (because what’s the point of being an adventurist if you don’t get to role-play the Charlton Heston part in Khartoum, except — instead of getting a spear between the ribs — this time you roll a natural 20, so it’s that Mahdi guy who gets kebobbed?) Anyway, this week he’s read the tea bags and is feeling much more optimistic about the chances for widespread mob violence in 2010:

I say the biggest mistake we conservatives can make in 2010 is to continue worrying about how we appear to the left, John McCain style, as we have been doing for so many years past. We must to stop appeasing the leftists, we must stop caring what they think, we must have the courage of our convictions and the pride to voice it without shame. No more bipartisanship. We need partisanship and plenty of it.

Note: This column is set in that “Mirror, Mirror” universe from Star Trek where Spock has Jonah Goldberg’s goatee.

Yes, 2000–2009, or the “aughts”…had some bad times, but they weren’t all bad. They started with the last two years of the administrations of President Clinton who sewed the seeds of the “housing bubble” but didn’t weed out the Muslim problem nor take out Osama Bin Laden when he had the chance, and that was bad.

Clinton left office on January 20, 2001, so I’m not sure where Russ is getting “the last two years of the administrations of President Clinton” from. But then, he’s a philosophist, not a mathematician, and likes to fudge Presidential terms a bit. For instance, his bio claims that he “served in the Department of Defense in Europe during the Cold War under President Reagan (1980-82),” which, as commenter Woodrowfan noted, probably means “he was a private in the Army for his minimum 2 years,” while Round Guy points out that “Reagan wasn’t even sworn in until January of ‘81 so he…either peeled potatoes under the dreaded Jimmy Carter or stretched the dates.”

As for Clinton “sew[ing]” seeds — it’s nice he had a crafty little hobby to relax over, but I hope at some point he traded up to a Bedazzler.

The Republicans elected President George W. Bush and we didn’t have a democrat president in the White House when we were attacked by Muslim extremists in 2001…

Cause? Meet Effect.

…and that was good. We lost many soldiers in Iraq which was bad, but we took out the murderous, weapon of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein

Saddam was like Mel Gibson’s character Martin Riggs in the Lethal Weapon films, in that he, himself, was a weapon. But unlike Riggs, he didn’t use bullets and karate, because those don’t create mass destruction, so I guess Saddam would — I don’t know — fart mustard gas?

and we killed lots and lots of Muslim extremists, and that was a really good thing.

On a similar note, Russ is a lot like Martha Stewart, if her magazine Living was called Dying, and mostly contained articles about remodeling your charnel house, and recipes for whipping up a batch of homebrew Zyklon-B out of those leftover holiday snack ingredients.

In 2006, Conservatives lost the majority position in congress, and Mike Huckabee, instead of dropping out of the Republican primary and endorsing Mitt Romney, gave us John McCain who became the Republican nominee (bad), who stabbed his running mate, Sarah Palin, in the back and gave up the presidency to Barack Obama, and that was really bad.

I think Russ is confusing the McCain-Palin campaign with Episode 8 of I, Claudius (”Reign of Terror”), but I admit it would have made the Presidential race a lot more fun.

The Tea Party movement doesn’t need to be organized, we are already organized. We are an “organism” like a colony of ants or even better, like the “Borg” on “Star Trek: the Next Generation.” We communicate with each other and act as one, toward a common goal, and just like the Borg, “Resistance is futile — you will be assimilated.”

Well…it’s good to have role models.

We don’t care that it raises the blood pressure of the leftists to hear the term “Tea Parties,” we don’t care that it “fills them with disgust.” Conservatives get disgusted when we hear “Al Gore,” “global warming,” “cap and trade,” “health care reform”… do the LEFTISTS care what WE think? Why should I care what THEY think? I want them to get their blood pressure up. The higher the better (actually, the lower the better — I would prefer the leftists have zero blood pressure).

Just in case you thought Russ wants to kill all Muslims, he wants you dead, too. So it’s not like he’s a racist

Another “worst thing” conservatives could do is vote strictly “Republican” in the November 2010 elections, especially if many of the so-called “blue-dog” democrats follow in the footsteps of Senator Parker Griffith of Alabama, switch to the Republican party to prevent losing their seats in Congress.

I knew you could switch parties, but I had no idea you could switch from the House of Representatives to the Senate at will. That’s pretty cool, although I don’t know why Griffith didn’t aim just a smidge higher and switch to the presidency.

The Republican party would just be adding more weak, timid, moderate, appeasing, “bipartisan,” woosies, otherwise known as RINOS (Republicans in name only).

I know what RINOs are, but woosies are new to me. Are they a candy or gum? But it’s not merely weak-kneed politicians who are kicking the grass roots in the teabags. Fellow RenewAmerica scribe Warner Todd Huston believes the 24 Hour Tea Party People lack the requisite cult of personality to become a truly effective tool of freedom, but Russ is not having it.

Mr. Huston believes that the Tea Party movement was destined to fail from its inception, and continues to say that the main reason is lack of a leader. If he doesn’t believe we lead ourselves or that Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity or Mark Levin (the latter three are also an “organism”)

Well, wait a second, I don’t think that’s quite fair. Most of his detractors will agree that Glenn Beck is an organism, and some will even concede that he’s multicellular.

…then I guess he is saying he doesn’t want to lead it either. OK, if that’s the case, I nominate myself — I will lead it. As the leader of the Tea Party, I propose that we rename it the Constitution party or the Conservative party, and effective immediately, we don’t care what the leftists think.

So nyah. However, Russ might want to check and see what officials of the Conservative Party and the Constitution Party think, since both are, so to speak, pre-existing conditions.

I Pity the Fool | 34 Comments »

RenewAmerica columnist Sher Zieve, the Bleached, Forgotten Stooge, has decided to switch gears this week and pitch us a post-apocalyptic thriller. And as readers of Better Living Through Bad Movies know, when it comes to this particular genre, we are experts, if not exactly aficionados (see Chapter 2: It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine, But You’re All Dead).

Now beginning the Era of Captivity, the American people have entered a new stage in their once extremely productive lives.

This will either be a crawl at the beginning of the film, or maybe a voice-over by James Earl Jones, as the camera pans across a blasted, desolate wasteland, sort of like the opening to Judge Dredd.

This new phase has been purposefully designed to be unproductive and will be called ‘existence.’

We’re trying to come up with a snappier name. Maybe ExtenZe. Or EXistenZ — we’ve got the guys in Legal working on it.

Existence, however, will soon degrade and devolve — with no one stopping the perpetrators of this abhorrence — into subsistence.

I can’t believe we’ll sink so low — from merely existing to merely subsisting.

After that chapter has been written and read, life will have become so essentially bitter and untenable that additional deteriorations in life-conditions will carry no significant meaning — other than base survival.

I believe this is the part where Kevin Costner drinks his own pee.

Since the Usurper and Dictator in Chief Barack Hussein Obama assumed power and rule over American citizens in January 2009

It’s always good to give your bad guy an elaborate, fruity title, like “the Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV,” “the Steward of Gondor,” or “former Speaker Newt Gingrich.”

the United States of America has been under siege from far left terrorist ObamaMentors

I liked it better when they were just called “the Fresh-Makers.”

an increasing set of perverse and prurient Marxist and Maoist Czars, thieves creating hoaxes (”global warming: comes immediately to mind)

Why, the crooks even stole Sher’s close quotation marks!

in order to steal the resources of the USA out from under its inhabitant-owners

Well, it worked with the Indians.

and “The Obama” (this designation has quickly become most recent synonym for Tyrant) itself.

And the biggest dance craze since “the Mashed Potato.”

For anyone who still maintains the ability to see, hear and discern that which is occurring in reality, The Obama’s mission is clear.

Tommy, can you hear me? No? Well, that’s fine, she’s not talking to you anyway.

As a refresher, let’s again take a look at a very small portion of the clearly Draconian orders that The Obama has dictated and the Orwellian legislation the US Marxist-run Congress has passed since the despot has been in office.

There was that one resolution Congress passed about how they all like Christmas…

Despite the fact that the majority of We-the-People are strongly opposed to the ObamaCare Death Plan (some polls show the opposition as high as 72%), Obama and his Marxist Congress are determined to ram it down our throats.

Oh calm down, it’s just a tongue depressor.

The ObamaCare Death Plan is the virtually all-encompassing proposal that will lead very quickly to complete ObamaControl over everything the American people do and will give Obama’s commissars and Czars total control over who lives and who dies.

A job which should properly belong to Crow T. Robot.

The Obama Death Panels are back — and with a vengeance, folks!

Tonight on the Death Panel…The Amazing Kreskin! Totie Fields! With special musical guest, the Starland Vocal Band!

What will happen is that Obama & Co will have complete control over 1/6 of what’s left of the US economy. Can you say “another Marxist-Democrat slush fund with no healthcare, whatsoever?

I could, but I’d really rather take the trolley and see what King Friday’s up to.

Even though global warming has now been exposed as merely another scheme to steal money from the USA and its people, Obama traveled to Copenhagen and pledged $100 Billions to solving the, now admittedly unsolvable, manmade global warming issue. It can’t be solved because mankind dos not control climate change.

Well I hope DOS doesn’t control it, because frankly I’ve forgotten all those old C: prompt commands.

Obama and his fellow Marxists still plan to push the faux Cap & Trade (realistically “Cash & Tax”) program. And, as was accomplished with his despotic ObamaCare Death Plan, Obama will use any and all bribes (if money, it’s out of yours and my pockets) necessary to do so. The Chicago mob/syndicate is firmly in control of the US government.

It’s time to call Elliot Ness and his Untouchables. Lee! Rico! Youngblood!

The Obama has taken control of and nationalized our banks

He knows our PIN numbers!

Dispelling any rumors that Obama is not — himself — a criminal, Obama and his US Attorney General Eric Holder have said that Obama’s unlawful election-fraud unit ACORN WILL be funded. Note: Besides, Obama will need them for both the 2010 and 2012 elections

So…he dispelled rumors that he’s not a criminal? That’s a confession, right?

There are hundreds more examples of what The Obama has accomplished in his first year of office.

If only The Obama was on The Office. That would be The Shit.

But, I’ve almost made myself sick telling the truth about those listed above. The facts are there for all to see. Are you preparing for your own eradication under the hammer and sickle of the tyrant?

I know I should, but I’m such a procrastinator.

Still feeling peaceful?

If not, feel free to join the armed uprising Sher has been trying to foment for weeks. Her loyal militia is only waiting for the code word (”John has a long mustache”) and for some defense contractor to invent a helmet that’ll fit over helmet-hair.

Get the Butterfly Net! | 28 Comments »