Roy has discovered, through testimony from a totally dispassionate, nonpartisan source, that the modern junior high school is no longer merely a trial-by-adolescence-and-acne, but has metamorphosized into a nightmarish ordeal of unceasing (and meticulously diagrammed) blowjobs! In the bathrooms! In full view of the lunch ladies in the cafetorium! Behind the popsicle-stick model of the U.S. Capitol made by Mrs. Merrill’s 5th Period Social Studies Class! To quote Roy’s source:
And the middle school kids were giving, and getting, blowjobs all day.
Backbreaking labor, no doubt, although I don’t think it’s the first thing I’d choose to write a blues song about, if I happened to inherit Leadbelly’s 12-string. Still, all these complaints about the lost innocence of our nation’s middle schoolers reminded me how difficult it is to get a contemporary twelve year-old to appreciate the gravity of a boner. Why, back in the day, boners were serious business! A deftly-timed boner, thrust heedlessly and repeatedly into a delicate situation, could foil even the Batman and Robin, as the proprietor of Superdickery.com points out in his Seduction of the Innocent series:
Let’s work together to staunch this eruption of premature blowjobs, and create a world where our adolescents are once again free to take a pure, simple, childlike delight in such healthy and traditional pastimes as Duck Duck Goose, Red Light, Green Light, Queenie, Queenie, Who’s Got The Ball?, and Mother, May I (Sleep With Danger?).
Do it for the laughter. For the love. For the boners.
UPDATE: Okay, I give up. I just do.
Or the “money shot,” as the case may be.
