Via Ken Levine, I found this YouTube compilation of David Caruso’s Greatest Sunglasses Putting On Moments from CSI: Miami, and it reminded me of how much this show annoys s.z. (For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, Caruso’s character, Horatio Caine, is a cop with a weakness for 800 dollar suits, womany Italian sunglasses, and Joe Friday-like zingers full of pith and vinegar, and delivered with the pacing and brio of a Pinter play.) Below is a bit on CSI: Miami, taken from this pensee on irritating TV shows that s.z. wrote for the old site, and below that, the video…in question. Put on your sunglasses…and…Enjoy.
“CSI: Miami”
We hate “CSI: Miami.” Why do we watch it? Well, partly because we have nothing else to do Monday nights at 9:00. But more, we watch it to hate.
When we heard the promo stating that one of the “CSI: Miami” cast would die in the season premiere, we hoped that it would be Horatio Caine. We hate him with the heat of 1000 suns. It’s one of those satanic confluences of an an annoying actor and an annoying character that together rise above annoyingness to reach, um, hatability.
We hate the way he talks — both the way David Caruso reads a line, and the stupid lines they give him to read. For instance, one his team will say something obvious like, “Hey, a dead body!” And EVERY TIME Horatio will reply with something portentous and pompous, like “Not dead … murdered. And it’s our job to catch murderers.” He’ll say it like everybody should be thanking him for pointing this out, because they’re, like, such idiots that without him they would have thought their job was to wear designer clothes and look hot. Oh, wait, that IS their job.
And then crime scene investigator Horatio will single-handedly wrestle a gang of murderous rappers to the ground, and will later later show up at their execution so he can quip something like, “You thought it was cool to hook kids on crack. Let’s see how cool you are in the electric chair, my friend.”
And then he will promise some cute little kid that he, Horatio Caine, will make sure that the kid never gets scared by anything ever again in his life. And then he will be sadly misunderstood by the Italian supermodel/cop who is the widow of his junkie brother, and spend the last five minutes of the program brooding about how life is, like, so unfair.
Anyway, like I said, I hoped that Horatio would be the one who died last week. But I figured that he really wouldn’t be, since Miami would presumably be buried under the weight of the inhabitants incompetence if he wasn’t there to tell cops that it was their job to catch murderers. So, I figured that it would be the Italian supermodel/cop who would bite the bullet, because (a) her accent makes her hard to understand, and (b) it would give Horatio a whole season’s worth of brooding fodder.
But no, it turned out to be Speed, the scruffy guy — the only one on the show with enough smarts (and gumption) to roll his eyes when Horatio gave one of his lectures on what their job is. A hot young Hispanic man was briefly shown working in the lab — we presume he will be Speed’s replacement. They should just change the name of the program to “CSI: Supermodels” and be done with it. Then there wouldn’t be any reason at all that the coroner can’t show up at crime scenes in a bikini, instead of the skimpy tank tops that she wears now.
Exhibit A:
Of all of the painful aspects of this sub-par franchise (why in the FUCK can’t either of the CSI spinoffs afford to hire actual WRITERS like the original?!??!?!!), the one that hit me first and has driven me nuts through the entire existence of this piece of dreck is David Caruso’s character’s NAME.
HORATIO CANE.
Horatio fucking CANE.
HURRICANE.
In MIAMI.
Tres’ sensitive, non? Considering how many people in Southern Florida, the Redneck Riviera, and the entire Gulf South have DIED because of fucking hurricanes.
I’ve seen cheesy shit in my day, I’m a huge fan of Ed Wood movies, I even like to torment myself with those 2/$1 DVD b&w schlock that they sell at Fred’s Super Dollar Store. But naming the main character of a show set in Miami HORATIO FUCKING CANE — that is, without a doubt, the tackiest thing that I’ve ever seen on television, including every idiotic and over-sedated word to fall out of Laura Bush’s thorazine-slanted mouth.
Caruso should be put to sleep, honestly. I like the little blonde girl from Baton Rouge, and I love the woman who plays the female coroner, but they killed off the one character that I actually liked, the guy from “Dazed & Confused.” But there is no hope of Caruso ever becoming an actual “actor,” so please, somebody, put him out of my misery. SOON. And then go after those mongoloid fucktards that they call “writers” on the two worst franchise schlock pieces of shit, because my 4-year-old brilliant curly-haired great-niece could write CIRCLES around those fucking morons.
I used to think that Gary Sinise was a really talented actor, until I found out that not only was he willing to work on that hackneyed “CSI:NY” shit, but that he’s a REPUBLICUNT, to boot. CBS should be drawn & quartered for sullying the brilliance of the original CSI with those two cunt-fart excuses for spin-offs.
BTW, Scott, please continue to send S.Z. all of my love, and my sincere hope that SHE hasn’t been eaten by the menagerie that took over her house, and thank you again and again and again for helping with the kittehs fundraising. You rawk like a mofo, bigger than Whitesnake’s hair and faulty homemade pyrotechnics.
Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on May 23rd, 2007