• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Archive for August 17th, 2009

G.I. Blows

Posted by scott on August 17th, 2009

NOTE:  Comments are working again.  Our apologies for the inconvenience.

Our old friend Bill S. has once again generously used his vacation time to hunt down some previously undiscovered species of wingnut.  Here’s his field report:

Before I return back to work (Stomping my feet and whining, “I don’t wanna!”) I thought I’d share a discovery I made last week: Parcbench.  It appears to be a mainstream entertainment and pop culture site — there’s even a style section, with sample titles that include “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night!” and “D.O.G. (Death of the Gladiator Sandel).”
But then I ran across this little gem, reporting on an incident at the Teen Choice Awards:

Dane Cook was booed at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards on Sunday after joking, “Vanessa Hudgens! Girl, you gotta keep your clothes on!” He was referring to the second nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens that was leaked onto the Internet recently.

Dane, don’t you know that you almost got attacked by hundreds of teenage girls because they hold their pop icons higher than liberals hold their Messiah, Obama? We’re glad you were able to escape with your life.

Now that’s some creative wingnuttery, and it gives me an idea for another Wo’C contest.  But more on that in a moment…

The author also misquoted Cook; what he actually said was, “Girl, you gots to keep yo’ clothes on!” I was going to link to video footage to illustrate this, but I think we’ve all suffered enough, haven’t we?

In addition to its many other charms, this site offers up movie reviews, and since I’ve reviewed movie reviews here in the past (I was going to link to them but I think we’ve all suffered enough, haven’t we?), I thought I’d have a look at Chris Yogerst’s critique of the box-office hit G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra.  I should confess that, as of this writing, I have not seen the movie and its HoYay! title notwithstanding, I have very little interest in seeing it. In the first place, I’ve always had rather mixed feelings about Channing Tatum. I think it’s because his name makes me think of Carol Channing and Tatum O’Neal, a combination too horrifying to think about. In the second place I’m not a fan of live-action movies based on old cartoons or toys, and this movie is both. That’s a more unfortunate combo than the lead actor’s name.  But whereas my expectations for the film arer low, Chris seems shocked! to learn that:


Gi: Joe: The Rise of the Cobra is a watered down version of the Joe that we once knew.

I knew it as a doll that was, sadly, anatomically incomplete, and as a crappy cartoon that began airing in 1985.

The film was marketed as if it could be a pro-American “hoorah” kind of action film. Watching this film, I kept forgetting it was GI Joe. Then, I remembered an angry feeling came over me. How could they ruin GI Joe?

When there’s no place to go but up?

John Nolte said it best: “If it wasn’t for resentment I wouldn’t have felt anything.”

He just summed up every wingnut pundit who ever got a column published.

The end of the film leaves a door open for a sequel; in case Hollywood wants to offend America again (we can bet on that!) If Paramount green lights a sequel, let’s hope Michael Bay directs it. He may be a lot of things…

A hack, a douchebag, the Antichrist…

…but one thing he would never do is strip the patriotism from GI Joe.

Storytelling and character development maybe, but patriotism? Eh, not so much.

As a youngster in the early 1980′s, I remember loving the GI Joe cartoon and action figures immensely. ‘GO JOE” rings through my head.

Oh, that’s just too sad to make fun of.

There is nothing wrong with a group of people from different backgrounds working together, which is what our armed forces are anyway. But why can’t GI Joe still be an all American dream team?

Well — this is just a guess, mind you — perhaps it’s because a multimillion dollar movie might sell better in foreign markets if it were a little more universal in its appeal.

Everything American has been stripped from GI Joe and what we have is a melting pot of politically correct garbage.

Uh…dude? Grow up. Please. You put way too much thought into this. Look, I have fond memories of the Saturday morning cartoons I watched as a kid, but if I learned that there was going to be an expensive, live-action adaptation of Hong Kong Phooey, I think I’d probably just shrug and go, “Well, there’s a waste of time and money.”

I guess the site has a ways to go before it matches Big Hollywood, but there’s some definite potential here.

Now, back to that slam at liberals and Obama in the Teen Choice Awards story…Yes, it was an amazingly bizarre non sequitur, but I think that we, the readers and staff of World O’ Crap, can do better; so I propose a writing contest: find a bit of lite news that has absolutely nothing to do with the President, or political issues of any kind, and find a way to connect it to the wingnut outrage de jour.

What do you think?

–Bill S.