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I was surfing around and happened to stumble upon this ad:


I didn’t actually click on the link, because it might be haunted, but it did make me wonder about the kind of paranormal activities that could change my life — and my afterlife!

1. Dragging ’round the chains you forged in life is a great way of firming your biceps and triceps.

2. Being able to walk through walls means no more waiting behind the velvet ropes at clubs!

3. Haunting: It’s basically like being a paparrazo, but without having to lug around all that heavy, expensive camera equipment.

4. Ghosts lower the temperature in any room they’re in, so no need for the AC on hot days! Ka-Ching!

5. Being able to float will cut your commute time in half!

6. Transmigration of souls is a green alternative to traveling by car.

7. Being Touched by an Angel leads to very ethereal games of Duck Duck Goose.

8. Having an “Out of Body” experience can be used to get out of jury duty.

9. As a ghost, you can talk to Jennifer Love Hewitt whenever you want! (But tell her to SPEAK UP, for the love of god!)

Crap, that’s only nine, and I’m afraid mournful, keening spectres will torment me if I don’t collect the whole set. So what do you guys think? What sort of paranormal activities would change your life forever?

18 Responses to “Better Living Through Paranormal Activities!”

The ghosts of the participants of the original Boston Tea Party endorsing Sarah Palin – 2012 brings about the End of the World.

Telepathy would improve the odds of my pick-up lines working.

Remote viewing means never paying for another book,magazine, or movie ticket again!

Walk-Ins and other forms of possession reduce your per capita carbon footprint–just don’t let the fire marshall find out how many occupants your home *really* has.

Telekinesis: Keeping track of TV remotes is for suckers!

Maybe I’m too suggestible/hopeful, but an angel touched me in my special place; who am I gonna call?

Maybe I’m too suggestible/hopeful, but an angel touched me in my special place; who am I gonna call?

Why, CPS of course! (Corporeal Protective Services)

I was gonna say “Ghostbusters!”

girls show room=better than Cinamax Friday Night!

First, you gotta accept that you died of a drug overdose in your early twenties, and this is Hell.

See, then you can do pretty much anything you want.

Not sure? The differences are subtle. For example, in Hell the Jacaranda blossoms are a violent purple color not found normally in nature. Satan’s little joke, I guess, to poke fun at the fact that Jacaranda blossoms in the world of the living are a dull off-white color.

Now do you know where you are?

I actually read the first (popular) book about Remote Viewing back in the, um, early 80s, maybe? It’s called “Mind-Reach”, by two Stanford Research Institute physicists named Russell Targ and Harold Puthoff who were interested in some of the reports coming out of the Soviet Union about research into “paranormal” abilities, partly from the POV of theoretical physics, quantum theory etc. They designed a series of experiments to test volunteers, some of whom claimed to be able to perceive things at a distance and some of whom didn’t claim any particular abilities. The results were fascinating, and that’s what the book is about. It’s out of print, but both authors have written others and remained active in research.

I’m describing this very neutrally, because this research has become a focus for a lot of controversy and argument, a tiny part of the larger back-reaction of many scientists against things like alternative medical therapies, meditation, New Age stuff in general, slopping over into resistance to Creationism, anti-Darwinists, fundamentalist religion, etc. Myself, I’m agnostic. Hiding behind my non-expertise, is what I am.

think of the sequel rights to “The Men Who Stare at Goats,” “The Women Who Stare at Cats”

Not sure if it’s exactly a psychic ability, but reaching through the Internet to give some people a whack-of-enlightenment upside the head is a power I’d put to good use. Honest!

Personally, I’d like telekinesis, so I can pick people’s pockets.

Should I be concerned that my comment was the thirteenth of the thread?

No, but maybe you better check your wallet

The ability to cloud mens’ minds so that they cannot see me.

1. Knowing the winning Powerball numbers at least six times.

2. Being a poltergeist so that I can frolic through the electrical lines and electronic equipment at every radio station where I formerly worked, and possibly fry a few no-talent hacks in the process.

3. Use that same poltergeist array of talents to find Dick Cheney’s “undisclosed” BASEMENT and then introduce him to things that car batteries can’t do… Same for Rumsfeld, Ben Stein, Greenspan, every employee of Blackwater & Halliburton, Jim Bernhard (The Shaw Group), the Royal House of Saud, ohhhhh, it’s a LONG list…

4. Use some kind of Vulcan mind-meld to explain to the president why he should’ve CLEANED HOUSE of all of the Cheney-appointed bureaucrat LACKEYS (like the whores who fellated BP on our dime, etc.) at the GET-GO, and how to do it properly NOW.

5. Invade Tony Hayward’s house and make him wish that he’d never been born, especially since I’d like to consign him to a lifetime of being reborn, again and again, as a crude-oil-drenched brown pelican, dolphin, etc.

6. Peek through walls when Cliff Curtis is undressing.

Wait. Maryc uses the term ‘keening’ on the 19th (in a great little post) and Tom Tomorrow uses it in a cartoon on the 22nd?

Hmm…here is the link. You decide: Sheer coincidence, or proof positive of a far-reaching liberal conspiracy?? With WOC at the epicentre???


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