As most any boy who’s grown up in America has learned, usually from the amplifying piehole of a doughy, red-faced, middle-aged Field Marshal-manqué shouting himself hoarse on the greensward of a Junior High athletic field, the best defense is a good offense; and nobody tries to be more offensive than the Unpromoted Professor, Dr. Mike Adams.
With five recent cases of gay teens who were bullied to death — and those are just the ones that have gained national attention; a lot of kids who are tormented for being gay never report it, even in a suicide note, because they haven’t, or can’t, come out to their families — Dr. Mike saw the chance to add insult to tragedy. Because the problem with today’s bullies — even those who persecute other kids into an early grave — is their lack of follow through.
Many bullies take the death of their victim as a sign they’ve gone too far and should maybe back off; some, if they’re not complete sociopaths, might even experience flashes of horror and regret. And this is precisely where Dr. Mike’s unique perspective comes in handy. Why stop abusing your victim just because he’s dead? What are you, a quitter? Besides, it’s not like he can hit you back now, which makes attacking the dead almost as safe as Dr. Mike’s own preferred mode of single combat: writing slam books about imaginary lesbians.
Note: Dr. Adams will be speaking this Wednesday (October 6th) at UNC-Charlotte. The speech, which is free and open to the public, will start at 7 p.m. in the Student Union Theater.
Why is Dr. Mike speaking at UNC-Charlotte? Well, because people at the school where he teaches, UNC-Wilmington, seem to be on to him. Still, admission is free, which is a pretty good deal, considering Hitler charged his fans 35 pfennig a pop for the nosebleed seats at Nuremberg, and 5 reichsmarks for t-shirts and hats.
Plans for National Coming Out Day are going well all across North Carolina – especially at UNC-Charlotte (UNCC). Conservative students at UNCC are planning a Conservative Coming Out Day in response to National Coming Out Day.
I sympathize with closeted conservative youth. It must be hard to tell your parents you’re an idiot, especially when they’re paying your tuition.
I will be there to offer a diverse perspective on an important issue that has been largely ignored on our nation’s campuses. My speech will highlight several pending cases, which show that homosexuals are not the principal victims of civil rights violations in this country. Instead, they are the principal perpetrators of civil rights violations in this country – especially on our college campuses.
The main problem with the “best defense is a good offense” philosophy seems to be the “good offense” part. Claiming that gays (who, according to folks like Dr. Mike, are a teeny tiny percentage of the population) are somehow enforcing an apartheid regime on the straight majority is a tough sell, especially when each day seems to bring yet another depressing news story about iron-heeled gay teens driven to take their own lives by their taunting, violent victims.
Jim Crow ain’t what it used to be.
After my speech, there will be a reception where I will be asking that camouflaged cupcakes be served to all in attendance. I am asking the College Republicans to provide camouflaged cupcakes in order to highlight an interesting case that is developing at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis (IUPUI) where plans for National Coming Out Day are not proceeding very smoothly.
Dr. Mike, his nose to the wind, has sensed the pheromones of a fellow homophobe, and popped a bigot-boner. As nature intended.
City officials in Indianapolis are investigating a bakery that refused to take an order from an IUPUI student group seeking rainbow-colored cupcakes for their National Coming Out Day. A spokesman for Mayor Greg Ballard said city officials are conducting an investigation into a bakery, Just Cookies, which declined to take the order.
I trust Doghouse Riley will correct me if I’m mistaken, but I believe Mayor Ballard is a Republican, so if nothing else, the Cirque du Soleil-style contortions — even if merely rhetorical — should be entertaining.
After the so-called diversity group ordered the rainbow cupcakes Just Cookies co-owner David Stockton told them theirs was a family-run business. He also explained that he has two young, impressionable daughters and, therefore, thought it was best not to make the cupcakes.
Then the government got involved. “Whatever this gentleman’s personal views are, it cannot interfere with the providing of a service or allowing someone to buy their goods,” said an official of the local government.
That’s good to know. I’m sure some Nazi group would love to visit the local Jewish tailor and have him make them all Nazi uniforms. And the Jewish merchant should definitely be forced by the government to provide services to members of a political movement seeking to destroy him.
All I can say is, if you’ve hatched an evil scheme to destroy a baker by buying a large number of cupcakes from him, then you’re the crappiest Nazi since Colonel Klink. Of course, neo-Nazis aren’t covered by the Indianapolis anti-discrimination ordinance, while LGBT people are, and the bakery rents space in a city-owned facility, so the government is kind of obliged to investigate allegations that one of its tenants is violating one of its laws.
Of course, comparing gays to Nazis is unfair to the Nazis. The Nazi party doesn’t have much of a presence on America. But the Gaystapo certainly does.
If only the Nazi Party had been as ruthless a perpetrator of civil rights violations as the gays, the Third Reich probably would have committed suicide after years of constant bullying by Jews.
In the wake of the IUPUI cupcake controversy, a student told a local Fox News station “I don’t want to topple anybody at all. I just think it’s important we ask ourselves and Just Cookies asks themselves why they made the statement, why they’re making these choices and how it’s ultimately affecting their business and the community as a whole.”
What an arrogant statement! Everyone knows that such behavior is dictated by an anti-gay gene. Homosexuals are not the only ones who can dodge criticism by making phony genetic arguments unsupported by evidence. I should know. I was born with the sarcasm gene.
And an extra chromosome.
Indianapolis city officials are working to determine whether the rainbow cupcake order was refused because the bakery couldn’t provide the desired product or because something else was at play. I can save them the time and money involved in any continuing investigation by telling them there is something else in play. That “something else” is called religious liberty.
I assume Dr. Mike will be standing strong with Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf as he rallies support for the construction of Park51. Although perhaps the Professionally Plateaued Professor would prefer if they built the Muslim community center and mosque on city-owned land. Makes a stronger First Amendment statement.
Our Founders fought to preserve religious expression, including freedom of conscience, because they knew it was vital to the preservation of our nation. They thought it was so important they put it in the Bill of Rights just before the parts about sodomy and abortion. Oh wait! There’s nothing in the Bill of Rights about sodomy and abortion. Sorry about that. It must be my sarcasm gene, which actually is capable of being passed on from generation to generation.
Unless, like Dr. Mike, you’re shooting blanks.
UPDATE: In comments, and over at his place, Doghouse Riley explains that, just like the Monster in Monster-A-Go-Go, “there was no cupcake.”