In which we attempt to answer the Google queries bringing the curious and the querulous to World O’ Crap.
I’m just going to warn you up front: our search strings seem to contain a bit more Hitler than usual this week, although we still have the Recommended Daily Allowance of boners, Batman, and gender confused cats. Also, child-safe piranhas make their debut, thanks to D.Sidhe.
1. take that hitler’s brain: Well this one is hard to answer, because a subtle difference in stress could completely change the meaning. For instance, suppose Nazi doctor Josef Mengele made several clones of Hitler (as he did in The Boys From Brazil), but he only saved the brains (because as the movies have taught us, that’s what Nazis like to do. My grandmother saved wrapping paper, Nazis save brains). But then the Russians closed in on the Führerbunker, and he had to flee to South America, but he was limited to two carry-on items, otherwise the airline would charge him extra, and his briefcase was already filled with magazines, gum, pocket puzzles, and Sea & Ski, so he only had room to take one brain on the flight. At some point he must have said to whichever lab assistant was doing his packing, “Take that Hitler’s brain.”
“This Hitler’s brain?”
“That Hitler’s brain!”
Or it could be a sort of triumphant one-upmanship. Suppose they saved Hitler’s and Stalin’s brain, and while the two of them were floating in bell jars, waiting to be transplanted into fresh young bodies, they did some World War II re-enacting to pass the time, like Ohio Republican Congressional candidate Rich Iott. Except, being disembodied, they couldn’t wear the authentic SS and Red Army uniforms and run around in the woods firing blanks at each other, so they just played Battleship. But then Stalin’s brain nailed Hitler’s brain’s carrier in four straight turns, and shouted, “Take that, Hitler’s brain!”
2. Hitler’s daughter: This is from the “Looking For…” section of Rich Iott’s eHarmony profile.
3. penis cigar: Fine Coronas, Panetelas, and Perfectos from Dutch Masturbators®.
4. boned ollie: After Kukla, Fran and Ollie were unceremoniously dropped from the CBS Children’s Film Festival in 1977, Fran Allison had a short-lived cooking show on PBS, best remembered for the fifth and final episode in which she got blasted on Holland House kitchen sherry and showed the audience how to fillet a puppet.
5. zardoz vortex penetration: Don’t try this with a slipped disc. Take it from me.
6. ur intelligence is my common sence: What is, “Sarah Palin’s most lucid epigram”?
7. scrotum inflation: I remember when my mom would give me two bits and send me down to the A&P to pick up a couple scrotums, and I’d still have enough left over for a Jawbreaker and a pair of wax lips.
8. wine bat signal: This is the piercing beam of light that Ann Althouse shines into the night sky to alert the Liquor Barn delivery guy that her box of Franzia has started to suck air.
9. ”does that sound racist?”: Andrew Breitbart doing a sound-check before a Tea Party event. ”No? Damn. Can you give me a little more monitor up here?”
10. define: loathsome: Okey doke.
Now we’d like to turn the algorithm over to our fellow Crappers, for a little Open Sourcery:
11. piranha sqishey toy
12. nose occupation
13. Different sex of cats
14, batman boner
15. I pity the fool who leaves dog poop