“Our First Guests Will Be Miss Ashley Alexandra Dupre and a Random Poor Person”
“On March 17, 2008, Eliot Spitzer was asked to remove himself from the governor’s mansion. That request came from the people of New York. Deep down, he knew they were wrong, but he also knew that someday he would return to the limelight. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, CNN. Sometime earlier, CNN became the lowest-rated cable news channel. Also sometime earlier, columnist Kathleen Parker, a notable twit, had won a Pulitzer Prize, apparently for her superhuman ability to see people without the lens of race, and her cheery knack for patronizing black people, gays, women, and other lesser beings. For that and other crimes against humanity, Wo’C had requested that she never return. So, CNN decided that smushing the two ninnies into one being called “ParkerSpitzer” was the way to win viewers and decrease the IQs of people everywhere. Can two annoying nonentities share the 8 p.m. news slot without driving me crazy?”
Too late! I already saw the promo where Kathleen says that Eliot is a politician and she is a “journalist,” and so wackiness is sure to ensue. (Dear CNN, if Kathleen is a journalist, then Scott and I are Marcel Proust. Please give us a prime-time spot in which we can chat about current events, deplore modern maners, and enjoy the favors of prostitutes.)
Anyway, I guess CNN has deduced that the big money isn’t in, you know, news, but in newstainment. Sure, they already have a sister channel, HLN, that features such explotationews stars as Jane “Buy my book about addiction” Valez- Mitchel and the “feisty” Nancy Grace (“All child-killers, all the time”), but I guess they needed to ramp it down another notch to compete with Fox News (“A wholly-owned subsidiary of the Republican Party and SatanCo”), and its “O’Relly Factor,” “The Glenn Beck Anti-Commie Comedy Hour,” and “Sarah Palin’s Seeing Other Countries for Dollars.”
So, anybody have any ideas for some other “news” programs for CNN, featuring clashing disgraced and/or third-tier “personalities”?
Here are mine. How about “Rappin’ ‘Bout Race, with Dr. Laura and Reverend Jeremiah Wright”? Or, “Billionaire Death Sports, featuring John Stossel and Paris Hilton (every week rich people are invited to hunt down and kill poor people for their pocket change, then the hosts make out for a while). Or what about, “BachmannTK,” a program wherein Michele Bachmann and the BTK serial killer discuss the issues of the day, and then bind, torture, and kill a CNN exec.
Feel free to add your programming ideas. They certainly can’t be any stupider than “ParkerSpitzer.”