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Archive for November 30th, 2010

Tucker Hates Big Butts And He Cannot Lie

Posted by scott on November 30th, 2010

Over at Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller, the newspinion comes in two flavors: stories lifted whole from another source, usually the AP, or stories lifted whole from another source and leavened with innuendo and schoolyard-quality satire, such as replacing the “r”s in a Barney Frank quote with “w”s in an effort to make him sound like more like a homosexual.  Of course, as even the most dull-witted gay-basher knows, you counterfeit a lisp by replacing the “s” with the “th” sound; Tucker’s method only succeeds in making Frank sound like Barbara Walters, which is unpleasant, but tends to render pointless the cascade of anal sex jokes that inevitably follow.  (Unless he’s deliberately evoking an image of buggering Barbara Walters trapped in the body of Rep. Barney Frank, in which case Tucker is publicly acting out a far more elaborate fantasy life than I would have given him credit for.)

Anyway, lately the lads over at the DC have been on a sniggering jihad against Michelle Obama’s program to stem childhood obesity. I’m not clear on the source of their outrage, but I assume Tucker and other select members of his class believe that A Modest Proposal is the next logical step in the evolution of our tax code, and he doesn’t want his larder filled with a tithing of tough and stringy infants.  After all, if the underclass in this country can’t produce plump, tender, and sweet offspring whose every cell bursts with flavor and high fructose corn syrup, then they don’t deserve our noblesse oblige, although you can still turn the chewier cuts of children into baby jerky and store it in your bomb shelter or mountain aerie as a hedge against nuclear winter or peasant uprising.

But the thing which appears to steam Tucker most about the First Lady’s efforts is her rank hypocrisy, since an undercover sting operation by Daily Caller investigative reporters has revealed that Mrs. Obama is secretly obese.

I appreciate Tucker’s Madonna-like ability to continually reinvent himself, from George F. Will-manqué, to cable news carbuncle, to sinkhole on the information superhighway.  But I have a feeling that his efforts to ride around like the and bleach rap songs is going to end up the same way his stint on Dancing With The Stars did, although it will probably leave his closet clogged with fewer Capezio pumps and Lycra tops with pearl snap details and sequin knit collars.

(By the way, if you check out the video, look for beloved character actor George Cisar, playing a working class stiff who is turned ultra white as he leans against a panel truck that says “FOX.”)

Dr. Mike Makes the (Local) News!

Posted by s.z. on November 30th, 2010

Shorter Dr. Mike: “A black female student failed to ‘get me,’ but did get uppity with me.”

Or, How I Joined a Black Soriority and Helped Fight Racism and Sexism.

This column is the story of a black female grad student who didn’t understand that nobody should take Dr. Mike seriously, or talk to him, or pay him any mind whatsoever (except to mock him, if desired). So, one fine day she called to tell him she didn’t approve of his (sarcastic) column in which he said that if he were President of UNC, or King of the World, or something, he would abolish the Black Student Center, on the grounds that racism has been vanquished, and if blacks don’t agree, it just proves the conventional wisdom that they are stupider than whites. (Actually, I can’t remember his justification for abolishing it, but undoubtedly it was something “non-P.C.” and mean-spirited and stupid.)

Anyway, he was rude and obnoxious to the woman, and the media did a story about it, which ended up being an enormous victory for Dr. Mike, in that now even more people think he’s a dick, but they do agree that he has the constitutional right to be one.

Here’s a condensed version of the column.

Many African American Cultural Centers actually impede diversity by turning black students into racists and segregationists. … I did not know at the time that I was going to hear a woman half my age lecture me on the importance of tolerance and diversity. … Sitting in my office getting a lecture on tolerance from someone half my age was bad.

And the lesson to be learned from this is: Dr. Mike is OLD!

And here are a few other bits from the column that were of interest (but probably only to me, as Dr. Mike is getting kind of tedious).

Author’s Note: Please take the time to vote in the local ABC affiliate’s First Amendment poll.

Yes, please do take the time to vote. I voted “Don’t know/ don’t care.”

When the black alumna called she said she had read my recent column “If I Were President.” She wanted to know whether I was really going to abolish the African American Center. At that point, I already knew we were in for an educational conversation. These days, college graduates are not well-versed in satire. As an art form, it is swiftly becoming extinct.

Maybe the real problem is that Dr. Mike’s columns are not very artful. (Seriously, dude, maybe it’s not that everyone else is stupid, maybe your satire just isn’t that good.)

Next, she dropped this bombshell: “I will be in touch with your supervisors.” She even promised to drive in from out of town to set up personal meetings with them.

(Author’s Note: Ironically, both of the administrators she promised to contact are defendants in a First Amendment lawsuit pending before the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals in Richmond, Virginia. Oral arguments in Adams v. UNCW are scheduled to begin on January 25th).

Ironically, Dr. Mike, who styles himself as a First Amendment Warrior, still seems to believe that the Constitution says that “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, but it should make laws requiring universities to promote unqualified professors who bitch and moan a lot about being oppressed.”

Shortly after that, the local media decided to get involved. The TV cameras rolled out to UNCW’s African American Center in order to get this footage of a young diversity expert giving his take on the situation. Notice that he confidently asserts that my speech is way outside the mainstream – so much so that it is “inappropriate” to suggest that I represent the university.

Yes, Dr. Mike really does believe that he’s just saying what everyone else thinks.

The WWAY website (a local TV station) ran a poll, which I am thankful to have won by a ratio of eight-to-one. That is significant because my percentage of support greatly outnumbers the local and national white population. Yet this young diversity expert will probably never acknowledge that his own views are seen by most as “incredible, to say the least” and “inappropriate” at an institution of higher learning.

If you check the poll, you’ll note that the question is only if Dr. Mike’s comments are protected by the First Amendment or not. Nowhere is there even a hint of “Is Dr. Mike right about how Black Student Centers promote racism, and should it be illegal for girls half his age to try to lecture him on tolerance? (a)Yes, or (b) HELL, YES?”

So, what the heck is the point of “my percentage of support greatly outnumbers the local and national white population”? Is he implying that black Americans don’t believe in the First Amendment? Is he bragging about how his lumpen Townhall supporters (who undoubtedly voted on his behalf) greatly outnumber the local black population? Does he believe that the First Amendment is All About Him? Or is he just really, really stupid?

Note that the WWAY survey was worded in such a way as to steer the results in a certain direction. A better poll would have asked “Does Scott Pickey understand that the First Amendment only protects offensive speech because inoffensive speech does not need protection? Yes or No.” Or “Is Scott Pickey a) an objective journalist? Or, b) a political commentator like Mike Adams?”

An even better poll would have asked “Dr. Mike? (a): Don’t know; (b) don’t care.”