Item #1: K.Lo derides the war on Christmas as a waste of time, and then immediately buys stock in it.
Thanksgiving passes and it’s “War on Christmas” time – what an awful concept and a waste of time. But I can’t blame the Fox News Channel’s John Gibson for titling his book (2005, Sentinel) that.
No, when John smiles that smug smile and looks into Kathryn’s eyes, she can’t blame him for anything.
In it, he’s not randomly accusing liberals of hateful bahumbuggery.
No, he has a system. I think it goes something like this:
Step 1: Write a book in which I accuse liberals of hateful acts of anti-Christmas terrorism based on what the kooks and/or charlatans at various right-wing legal institutes claim, but make no effort at doing any investigation myself, to include even reading a newspaper.
Step 2: Get naive columnists with poor self-esteem to promote said book.
Step 3: Profit!
But back to Kathryn Jean:
He chronicles, as he puts it in the forward of his new paperback edition, “a school board member, a city manager, a university dean, and a school superintendent, who found themselves in circumstances that led them to ban or remove from public view otherwise perfectly legal secular symbols of Christmas — Christmas trees, the word ‘Christmas,’ and even the colors red and green.”
Yes, seriously, red and green — great threats to the Establishment Clause if caught anywhere near a public school, right? Gibson writes of his experience over the last year: “Many parents contacted me and said the story of Plano, Texas, where the school board wouldn’t allow the colors red and green for the plates and cups and napkins at the kids ‘winter’ party, was actually quite common.”
As we all know, what actually happened in Plano was that the school district sent out a memo asking for various donated supplies, to include white napkins, for class parties. That’s it. There was no banning of red and green, no lynching of Santa Claus, no forced conversions to druidism. Just a memo asking for white napkins. Oh, the humanity!
However, Gibson may not be lying when he says that many parents contacted him and claimed that similar things happened to them – after all, paranoiacs seeking validation of their delusions probably make up the core of John’s viewership.
“I heard about one school where the principal went to each schoolroom before Thanksgiving and put all red and green construction paper under lock and key until after New Years. It is silly and paranoid actions like that which make people certain the war is real and not a figment of their imagination.”
Yes, it is indeed claims like that which prove that the war is REAL, and not just figments and stuff!
Anyway, kids, here’s your class project for this WOC campaign: everybody write a letter to John Gibson in which you make a claim about some horrendous act of green-and-red persecution that occurred to you (or somebody you know, or someone you heard mention of, in some other place).
Here’s an example:
Dear John,
I am a mailman in a small midwestern town that is under the control of politically correct atheistic liberal Satanists.
Recently my supervisor (I’d tell you his name, but you wouldn’t know him) forbade us mailmen (despite all the other madness, we have at been able to keep our profession free of feminists at least) from delivering any mail that comes in red or green envelopes. Really! This is not just a figment! He ordered us to just bail up all the red and green letters, take them to the field out back, and burn them along with the porn we seize.
He also has us destroy any letters that use one of those Madonna stamps that they haven’t issued ever since the post office became part of the New World Order. We also burn anything that looks like it might be a non-secular Christmas card, all Sears catalogs, and all the Nobel Prize nominations going out to Fox News personalities.
And today, if you can believe it, he fired a guy with the given name of Christian, a man with the family name of Christiansen, and a customer named Mary, just for being too non-inclusive!
As proof of my claims, enclosed please find a dead rat.
Your fan,
Some guy
Now it’s your turn to write to Mr. Gibson — just be sure to make it as convincing as the story of the principal who locked up the green and red construction paper!
Anyway, I don’t know whether Kathryn is to be more pitied or condemned for using the drivel from Gibson’s book (while plugging the paperback edition of said book, no less) to make the point that there is a real War on Christmas, but one which is too petty for her to bother herself with, except for writing columns about it. So, I leave it to YOU to make that call.
Our second item proves that this War has reached the point of parody, crossed over, been reincarnated as really lame satire, and ultimately ended up as really stupid tragedy. For, it has become the subject of one of those execrable “Help, Mom!” books.
‘Nuff said — but here’s part of the publisher’s copy about the tome, just the same.
Help! Mom! The Ninth Circuit Nabbed the Nativity
Christmas is coming, and in today’s America, one of the signs of the season is that liberal busybodies like the ACLU and activist judges go into action against harmless Christmas displays, songs, and pageants. To satirize these modern-day Scrooges in a way that both kids and grownups can appreciate, Katharine DeBrecht and Jim Hummel – creators of the bestselling HELP! MOM! There are Liberals Under My Bed! and HELP! MOM! Hollywood’s in My Hamper! – bring you their funniest adventure yet, HELP! MOM! The 9th Circuit Nabbed the Nativity!
With their Christmas pageant in jeopardy, can Miss Bardin’s third-grade class save the holidays?
Johnny and Luke loved being in Miss Bardin’s third-grade class—especially at Christmas time, when the class put on its annual pageant, complete with a nativity scene and even an obliging donkey! But when Senator Weary, Al Snore, Congresswoman Clunkton and the whole 9th Circuit court show up demanding an end to the fun and festivities in the name of diversity, global warming and stinky French cheese, all is almost lost until Johnny, Luke and an unexpected hero armed with a mysterious piece of paper unite to save Christmas. [...]
Join gifted storyteller Katharine DeBrecht and award-winning illustrator Jim Hummel as they share another small lesson in conservatism.
In the next book in the series, HELP! MOM! There are Muslims in My Mullet!, Mom is outraged to find that Mr. Ellison is putting on a holiday pageant about Ramadan, during school hours, and that he expects the children in his fourth-grade class to participate in it. So, in the name of non-diversity, creationism, and stinky cigars, Mom demands an end to the fun and festivities. By the end, everyone learns a small lesson about conservatism. However, it’s not all that funny this time.
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