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Archive for December, 2006

Merry Christmas!

Posted by s.z. on December 25th, 2006

I truly mean the greeting as a wish that today will be a happy day for all of you, and that at least a little of the peace, joy, and good will that the day is supposed to engender in humanity will come your way.  (And I hate it that I now have to explain this, thanks to the efforts of the Chistmas Warrior Weenies.)  I truly love you guys and gals, and you are a very important part of my life, so I do wish you all the best.  I’d invite you over for homemade gingerbread and to play with the pets, but I don’t think you’d want to make the trip.  But take care, and try not to kill anyone unless you take the proper precautions against blood stains.  (And here’s a hint: the same enzyme-based products that remove pet urine from carpets will also get rid of other biological stains, such as blood — however, you should probably use bleach on hard surfaces, since it destroys DNA.)And now, to deliver our special Christmas thought for this year, is Kaye Grogan, with True meaning of Christmas under fire.”

We are being told it is offensive to people of other cultures to display Nativity Scenes in public or say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays.Is this the price we are paying for giving foreigners the opportunity to come to America for a better life?

Yeah, damn it, they come to OUR country and complain about how our religious beliefs are being promoted in the public square, and their’s aren’t.  It’s like they want to be treated like equals or something!  In America!

If the “politically correct” crowd had their druthers — Christmas would be abolished period. But thank goodness Christians are beginning to awaken from their stupor and are gearing up to battle with the anti-Christmas groups — who are headstrong and have a salacious appetite to defeat Christianity.

Okay, now Kaye is starting to sound a little nutty, so let’s skip right to her special Christmas poem.

Baby JesusInstead of a beautiful palace Baby Jesus was born in a stable and laid in a lowly manger.

As the Christ child laid sleeping…Mary and Joseph felt impending danger.

In the heavens above everyone was rejoicing and elated.

But they knew as soon as the news broke…the baby would be reviled and hated.

Mary stared in awe at her child and felt love beyond compare.

She knew they must go into hiding, so another journey they must prepare.

Soon news of the Newborn King’s birth traveled throughout all the lands.

But instead of widespread joyfulness…many pagan rulers were making assassination plans.

In the distance wise men were preparing for their long journey…to bring Baby Jesus gifts.

They knew it would be challenging to get there through the wilderness and snowdrifts.

As the baby awoke from its long nap Mary fed him and held him tightly in her loving arms.

She knew it was time to take her child and flee…for many wished him great harm.

They followed the guiding star to where they would be safe and secure.

They knew that God would look after them and give them strength to endure.

Now over two thousand years later there are those who still despise to hear of Jesus’ birth.

But no matter how they try to attack the true meaning of Christmas…

Once again… the great tidings bring forth great joy and mirth.

Kaye is truly a poet beyond compare!  My favorite part is where the wise men travel through the snowdrifts of Iran, Israel, Egypt, etc. to get to their presents to baby Jesus.  But I also like the way the line about the assassination plans scans.  I don’t know how anyone could despise to hear of Kaye’s poetry.

Anyway, from all of us at Wo’C (and from Kaye) have …yourself a merry … little Christmas now.

Superman is a Dick

Posted by scott on December 25th, 2006

Our new friends The Aristocrats reminded me of one of my favorite sites:  Superdickery.  If you ever wondered if having ultimate power over all mankind would turn you into a total dick…wonder no more:

Browse and enjoy.

The Good News Report

Posted by s.z. on December 24th, 2006

1.  We added a couple of new links to our blogroll: The Aristocrats and archy. We’re sure you’ll find these blogs enlightening, and that you will enjoy their nice fonts and color schemes.  Plus, they’re pretty darned funny, which is why they have won the coveted World o’ Crap seal of approval. Also, the people who blog there are very nice people. So, check them out!

2.  Oh, and you know who we really like?  Dog House Riley of Bats Left Throws Right, that’s who! For, despite his apparent problem with heroin, and his equally destructive TV Guide addiction and vast historical knowledge, Mr. Riley is a mighty fine human being.  At least, that how he seems … AT FIRST! 

P.S.  We also really like Julia of Sisyphus Shrugged, even though she doesn’t know as much about heroin as Doghouse. 

3.  Thanks again to everyone who contributed to the “Feed the Furry Bottomless Pits” fund. Today I bought a 20-pound bag of Iams cat food, a 20-pound bag of Bil-Jac dog food, a case of Friskies canned cat food, a package of Bil-Jac dried liver treats, and a couple of canned of Sheba diamond-studded gourmet cat food (it was a 2-for-1 deal). So, the cats and dogs will have the pet equivalent of a goose dinner with all the trimmings this Christmas Day!  And there is enough money left to do the same at least two more times! So, I thank you, the pets thank you, and the stockholders of PetsMart thank you.

4.  And speaking of PetsMart, Jeep the Foster Dog found a home at the PetsMart adoption event today. A nice woman who wanted a companion for jogging, camping, and snuggling adopted him, and I’m very happy for both of them.

In fact, the whole story is so touching that I think it should be made into a holiday movie for Lifetime (or the Family Channel, which features even sappier flicks). If I were writing it, it would be titled “Jeep: The Rescued Dog Who Found a Home for Christmas. Saved Santa, Redeemed a Neglectful Father, Taught an Old Coot the True Meaning of Christmas, and Provided Us All With a Valuable Lesson About Not Eating Cardboard.”

5.  And speaking of holiday movies, the votes have been tallied, and the official World o’Crap War on Christmas movie of 2006 is … drumroll please …. 

It's a Wonderful Life (60th Anniversary Edition)

 (Yeah, like you were surprised.) 

Scott will be giving the film the “Life Lessons” treatment when he gets a break from playing the role of a real-life George Bailey (yes, right now Scott is single-handedly running the family Savings and Loan, saving pharmacists from poisoning kids, fighting mean Mr. Potter, pretending to care about that dopey Zuzu and her petals, and helping his nonagenarian Grandfather move into new quarters).

 I will be watching the crappy 1977 version, It Happened One Christmas, so that I can provide you with a scholarly assessment of what happens when George Bailey becomes Mary Bailey, Mary Bailey becomes Trapper John, Clarence the Angel becomes Clara-the Cockney imbecile, and Mr. Potter becomes Orson Welles. If I don’t get enough uplifting sentiment from it to save your souls, I’ll also try to watch Road House.

Hopefully, we’ll be able to provide you with some life lessons to help you through the holidays while there are still holidays to celebrate. But if we don’t, keep in mind this story by Pastor Swank: “All Is Bright.”  It’s about how he and some of his “church folk” wanted to visit the poor unfortunates at the convalescent home as their Christmas good deed, but “since other [non-nutty] organizations had clogged the home’s December calendar,” Pastor Swank’s group couldn’t bother the old people until January. Sadly, once they got there, they found that the senile residents were not too responsive to the Christian group’s attempts to make them sing Christmas songs. (The pastor writes, “To my right there was a resident who insisted in calling out unintelligible gibberish while we gave forth with ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,’” which I find kind of ironic, given his insistence in calling out unintelligible gibberish while other people are trying to think.)

Nor were the demented residents very grateful for their special gift from the group: an orange for each ot them.  (Hey, oranges may have been considered a special holiday treat during the Depression, but now giving them out is like putting green beans and bologna in a child’s Christmas stocking.) 

But it all ends on a happy note when Swank and the Swankettes sing “Silent Night,” and everyone gets the Christmas spirit.  In January.

So, something to think about while you wait for those movie summaries.

A Marie Jon’ Christmas

Posted by s.z. on December 22nd, 2006

It’s a new heart-warming holiday special, written by our own Marq.  We’re sure it will be a holiday classic.

Marie Jon’

Marie Jon’ found, on Christmas morn,

A different gift than the expected porn,

A gift certificate for a copy-editor, and quite a sight to see,

Hers to use, and likely abuse, for one month (or three!),

“I’ll treasure this always-it’ll make me a better writer!”

So she set to work on a column, and made it a one-nighter,

“Here it is, Mr. Editor, it’s about Jesus and Mary, womb-babies and God,

“And how those who don’t like them are really just clods,”

“Alright, Ms. Jon’, I’ll check for mistakes,

“Is this piece genuine, or is it a fake?”

“Mistakes?” she cried, she was clearly appalled,

“I was misinformed about what a editor does,” she bawled,

“Don’t fret, love, if it’s your first time, I’ll be gentle,”

She just stared at him as if he were completely mental,

“Hmm, ‘beloved and excepted,’ ‘officially mote,’

“Try and make sense,” with a blue pencil he wrote,

Marie’s lids fluttered from the sight of all the blue,

Said she, “What are you, Mister, some kind of Jew?”

“I’m a Unitarian, Miss, if that’s any of your biz,”

Marie whipped out her badge from the O.F.A.L.* and assured him, “It IS!!1!”

So, off thugs dragged him, tied up in knots,

Soon to face the administration’s new torture’bots,

“Treat him right, boys, we don’t want him in pain,

“I think he’s a sissy,” so they jerked on his chains,

Years later, he was still missing, though rumor had it,

He was turning tricks to support his Sadly, No! habit,

In reality, he’d been ground up and made into cat food,

And, as fates go, that’s pretty darned harsh, dude,

Marie smiled to herself, pondering his fate,

It was Christmastide once more, and everything was great!

.

.

*Office of Females Against Larnin’.

It’s a Crappy Life

Posted by s.z. on December 22nd, 2006

Well, the last days of 2006 are slipping away, and meanwhile Scott is busy with family and nursing homes and such – so I thought I’d jump in and try to finalize our official War on Christmas movie of 2006.

However, I don’t feel like braving the crowds again or driving the 4 blocks to the video store, so I am preemptively narrowing the categories to (a) movies that I own; or (b) holiday movies that will be airing tonight on basic cable that sound fairly crappy.  So, using those perimeters, here are your choices:

1.  The movie described below::

The film’s screenplay (credited as being written by Frances Goodrich, Albert Hackett, and Capra himself, with additional scenes by Jo Swerling) was based on “The Greatest Gift,” an original short story first written on a Christmas card by Philip Van Doren Stern. Uncredited for their work on the script were Dorothy Parker, Dalton Trumbo, and Clifford Odets.

2.  It Happened One Christmas (1977, fantasy) Marlo Thomas, Wayne Rogers, Orson Welles. A depressed woman sees what life would be like without her.

3.  A Town Without a Christmas (2001) Patricia Heaton, Rick Roberts. Romance blossoms for a workaholic news reporter and a frustrated children’s author as they seek to find a child who wrote a grim letter to Santa.

4.  A Perfect Day (2006) Rob Lowe, Paget Brewster. A holiday drama about a budding author whose first book becomes a blockbuster. As fame and fortune come his way, he begins to neglect his family – and soon receives visits from a mysterious stranger (Christopher Lloyd). Written by that “Christmas Box” guy.

Anyway, I will record the three latter selections.  You have until 2:00 p.m.(MST) tomorrow, the 23rd to vote. Then I will spend Christmas Eve eve watching your selection, and will try to post a summary of the movie by Christmas day. And then I will contemplate jumping off a bridge.

So, vote early and often, and make this the best War on Christmas ever!

UPDATE:  Unfortunately, it seems that the airing tonight of The Town Without a Christmas will be on Lifetime Movies, a channel I don’t get, and I already missed the airing on regular Lifetime.  So, we’ll have to scratch that choice (sorry, Patricia Heaton fans).

Offered in its place is a movie airing Saturday morning on the Hallmark channel:

5.  Jack Frost (1998) Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston.  In this charming fantasy, a musician named Jack Frost regrets missing many of the big events in his son’s life.  When Jack is killed in an accident, his spirit takes up residence in his son’s snowman so he can stalk be close to the boy.

AND here’s a bonus option, which is probably the most Christmassy of all:

6.  Road House (1989) Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch.  A bouncer is hired to clean up a bar.

 We’ll now let you get back to voting.

UPDATE:  While you’re weighing the pros and cons of the candidates, have A Patrick Swayze Christmas!  (Thanks to Bill S.)

If We All Clap Our Hands and Believe . . .

Posted by s.z. on December 22nd, 2006

Here’s a nice example of the power of positive hypocrisy in action: the Concerned Women for America and Abstinence Clearinghouse (you may already be a loser!) are saying that a report can’t be accurate, because it doesn’t say what they want to hear — and what they don’t want to hear is that people are having sex before marriage, because it will make kids believe that people can have sex before marriage.  Here’s part of the Agape Press report:

A pro-family group is expressing skepticism about the accuracy of a new report that says 95 percent of Americans have had premarital sex. A study by Lawrence Finer of the Alan Guttmacher Institute finds that 99 percent of Americans had sex by the age of 44, and 95 percent had done so before getting married.

[…]

An Associated Press report on the study quotes Finer as saying that the likelihood of Americans having sex before marriage has remained stable since the 1950s. In other words, the researcher claims premarital sex is “normal behavior for the vast majority of Americans, and has been for decades.”

However, Dr. [of Communications] Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America (CWA) sees Finer’s report as a ploy to cast doubt on the need for abstinence-until-marriage programs. “My eyebrows went up when I first saw the numbers,” she recalls, “and I thought that the results were a bit too pat because they fit so specifically into the agenda of Planned Parenthood and the Guttmacher Institute.”

Heck, Janice never had sex, and all of the other women at the institute say they have never had sex, so Finer’s report HAS to be wrong, because Janice’s study shows that nobody has ever had sex!

Abstinence-based sex education proponent Leslee Unruh, who heads the South Dakota-based Abstinence Clearinghouse, is also suspicious of the Guttmacher Institute’s findings — and of the motives behind them. […]

“The sexual revolution came, it went, and it lost,” the Abstinence Clearinghouse director observes. “The sexual revolution ended the last century, and we feel people need to be looking to what the newfound research is on sexuality,” she says. “Today’s a new day, and we know that from the studies we have seen, that many young people are demanding the higher standard of abstinence education.”

Abstinence Clearinghouse has seen study after study indicating that increasing numbers of young people are open to the abstinence message and that many are choosing to remain chaste until marriage, Unruh observes. “According to the CDC, there are less kids having sex now than those that are,” she asserts.

Well, the CDC did find that only 47% of high school students reported having had sexual intercourse (down from 53% in 1993), but the rate goes up as the kids get older — so, by 12th grade, 63% of students say they have done the deed.  So, I guess it’s all how you define “kids.”

 But, if fewer than 50% of 14-year-olds are having sex, then Leslee must be right about the sexual revolution being over.  (Thanks to her and abstinence education, of course.)

“So we have numbers that show there is a different thought process going on in America right now, and we believe a lot of that has to do with the fact that these programs [abstinence only education programs] raise the bar.”

Or it means that teens are having oral sex instead of intercourse, and it’s Bill Clinton, not Leslee, whom we should thank for this new age of purity.

But hey, if Janice and Leslee think that they can keep people from having sex by telling them that nobody is doing it, then I wish them all the best.  After all, it’s not like sex is that popular anyway.

A Little Help From Our Friends

Posted by s.z. on December 21st, 2006

We want to thank the one and only Anntichrist Coulter for her very kind plug for our critter rescue over at her fine blog, Mark Of The Beast.  Sure, she called us a ”heifer,” but I’m sure she meant it in a nice way.  :-)

And a big thank-you to all of you who broke open your piggy banks to send us generous donations for our on-going pet rescue and poop collection efforts.  I’ll be posting some cat and dog pics later, and letting you know which particular pet YOU are now sponsoring (and assigning you times to come by and scoop out a litter box for your new charge). 

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth saying again: you folks are the best!

Happy Birthday, Marq!

Posted by s.z. on December 21st, 2006

Marq, the place just wouldn’t be the same without you (and by that, I mean that it would be WORSE, and definitely less fun).  Here’s wishing you a year free of hospitalization, Bush blunders, and “sexy” Ann Coulter photos.

Anyway, in honor of your special day, here’s a blurry greeting from Tonto, Tarzan, and Frankenstein, and a link to the the Lost Ending To “It’s A Wonderful Life (a movie which I have a feeling I’ll be watching this weekend . . .)

Slightly Shorter Dr. Mike Adams

Posted by s.z. on December 21st, 2006

Here’s a synopsis of Dr. Mike’s latest column, “Welcome to Integrity 101.”  I swear that this is an accurate summary.

Dear Student Who Was Disappointed In His Final Grade,

You claimed that you missed several meetings of my class due to a death in the family, a robbery, etc., but you actually missed 28 such meetings, you big liar! Obviously you have a deep flaw in your character if you would refer to 28 as “several,” you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!

Now, to prove to you that I am farting in your general direction, I will tell you about my hunting trip to South Carolina.  See, while I was using dogs to chase deer, I encountered two wild boars — it was them or me, I tells ya!  But I had the gun, so one of them died — I would have killed the other one, but it ran into the brush, and there were stickers there, so I had to let him go.  Then, to prove what I great guy I am, my hunting companions (manly men all!) and I gave two dead hogs to a poor black family who would have starved this winter if not for our buck-shot bounty.

So, here’s an extra credit assignment for you, you festering tit: go hunting wild boar with me in January, so that I may abuse you in the great outdoors. And then, after you have peeded your pants from fear,  you will go apologize to those poor black folks for having squandered an opportunity they never had: the opportunity of attending MY class.

Blah blah, metrosexual little sissy. Blah, blah, “shaking like a blind lesbian at a weenie roast.” Blah, blah, abortions, feminists, vaginas.

Let me conclude by saying once again now much I hate you (and all of my other students), and how much I love my guns.  And that’s what integrity is all about.

That’s the gist of Dr. Mike’s column.  REALLY!  If you don’t believe me, read the original yourself.

But I can’t leave this column without providing you with at least one direct quote, so here’s a typical one.

When we all got back to the cabin about seven deer and seven hogs had to be skinned. A couple of hogs had to be left behind because they could not be found and/or dragged all the way out of the woods. Nonetheless, there was enough meat for two hogs to be given to a poor black family that lived in the vicinity.

Hunters are not only our best conservationists. They are among our best humanitarians, too.

Yes, killing animals you can’t retrieve is good conservationism, and giving poor people the carcasses you don’t want is the best kind of humanitarionism.  If you don’t agree, you too will get an “F” in Dr. Mike’s “Intro to Criminology and Hog Hunting” class.

And that concludes this week’s lesson in integrity from Dr. Mike.

Because The Wine…Forgot

Posted by scott on December 21st, 2006

Ah, the holidays.  Where I grew up (a little beach town in Southern California), we had to do without weather, so one of the most poignant signifiers of the season was a perennial series of commercials for crappy vintner Paul Masson, done by Orson Welles (who apparently really, really needed the money to finish Don Quixote).  Even as a kid, I wondered what a smooth character like him was doing, drinking the white man’s T.J. Swan.  Well, these outtakes answer that burning question, while simultaneously ushering in a frost-and-topped frisson of the holiday spirit.  We give you:

Orson Welles.  Assailed By Wassail: