Former Congressman Mark Foley has sought treatment for a previously unsuspected addiction to alcohol, which apparently resulted in his widely-known predeliction for text-messaging horny teens during votes in the House of Representatives. Eschewing the Alcoholics Anonymous and its infamous left-wing bias in favor of personal accountability, Mr. Foley has placed himself in the clinically-proven care of the Church of Scientology, which can short-circuit the notoriously inefficient 12 Steps by simply wiring his penis to an E-Meter.
But apparently demon rum was not the only culprit. According to Foley’s attorney, the ex-lawmaker’s need to clarify whether Congressional pages used lotion and tissues, or simply jacked-off into a towel can be directly traced to a childhood encounter with a rather hands-on clergyman. The lawyer declined to name names, or to specify the tactile preacher’s denomination, but by assembling the evidence so far accumulated, we can easily deduce the unsavory priest’s identity:
Meanwhile, Chicago Tribune columnist Eric Zorn informs us that l’affair Foley is one of the few political scandals that has managed to enrich the language without recourse to the suffix “-gate”:
When U.S. Rep. Mark Foley told reporters Monday he was entering treatment for alcoholism in the wake of this scandal, reader Tim Howe came up with a new word to describe the attempt to make problems magically disappear by announcing you are seeking help to battle an addiction: Rehabracadabra.
At press time, The Steve Miller Band was reportedly rushing to the recording studio in an effort to capitalize on the buzz.