Kids, in today’s Storytime, Dr. Mike will address one of our society’s most pressing issues: the refusal of the meanies at UNCW to promote Dr. Mike to full professor status. See, since Dr. Mike is the best professor in the whole world, he assumed that he didn’t get the promotion just because he regularly writes columns about how everyone at UNCW (except him) sucks. However, it turns out that the meanies just think that he’s ”deficient in all areas.” Which Dr. Mike took to be code for:
THE POWERS THAT BE AT UNCW ARE PUNISHING ME FOR MY PUBLIC CRITICISM OF THE UNCW DIVERSITY MOVEMENT.
So, he’s decided to be a bigger asshole than usual, in an effort to demonstrate to his colleagues just how wrong they were to not promote him.
And that resolve leads us to today’s real, actual, true-life stories, ripped directly from the day-to-day experiences of Dr. Mike. Follwing each story you will find several study questions– although you won’t be graded on your responses, you should do your best to answer them, since they will help you to prepare for your Wingnuts of Academia final exam.
So, kids, let’s all put on our listening caps and pay close attention to My Apology to UNC-Wilmington::By Mike S. Adams.(Remember, students, no cell phones, no political correctness, no gay marriage, no hippies, and no vaginas will be permitted during class.)
Today, I begin my new career as a diversity proponent by telling you three stories – each one about a different UNCW student whose life was forever changed by the diversity movement at UNCW.
The first story is of Ashley (not real name) – a girl I met the other day in the parking lot by the Cameron School of Business. When I first saw her, she was making out with her boyfriend in his Chevy Blazer right in front of the entrance to the parking lot. I waited until the line of cars behind me was eight deep before I even thought about tapping the horn lightly to let the young couple know they were holding up cars waiting to get in the rapidly filling lot.
Just before I hit the horn, she got out of the Blazer and started to walk away. After three steps, though, she decided to return to the Blazer for one last kiss. That’s when I tapped the horn as lightly as possible to let her know there were other people in the world besides her and her boyfriend.
But, apparently, Ashley didn’t like that little tap on the horn. After she slammed the door of the Blazer she shot me the middle finger and shouted “f—k you!” at the top of her lungs. But she wasn’t through. After taking a few steps, she stopped, turned around, and flipped me the bird again shouting “f—k you!” as loud as she could.
So, naturally, I did what any white heterosexual Christian male would do under the circumstances. I kept a close eye on her, parked as fast as possible, and chased her down before she got inside the Cameron School of Business. When I caught up to her, I thanked her for her contribution to diversity at UNCW. The cultural norms regarding consideration of others and use of profanity and crude hand gestures in public are all antiquated norms developed by an oppressive white Christian patriarchy. By rebelling against them, she was showing us that each individual must carve out her own way of doing things, regardless of the tradition of the dominant culture.
Of course Dr. Mike is just kidding about what he said to “Ashley.” But do you believe that a student really did shout “f—k you” at the top of her lungs at Dr. Mike, twice even, just because he tapped his horn “as lightly as possible” after she and her boyfriend backed up traffic for several minutes while they made out? Okay, if you believe that part, do you believe that Dr. Mike actually did chase her down before she got inside the Cameron School of Business? And then what happened? Did he devastate her with a witty rejoinder, have her expelled for sassing an almost full professor, or did he shoot her with one of the many weapons he keeps in his car for just such an occasion?
Anyway, on to story two:
I kicked Eric out of one of my classes the other day for bring a cell phone into a test. He ran down to the office to put the cell phone on the secretary’s desk in our main office and then ran back to get seated before I passed out the exam. But, unfortunately, after the test was over Eric found out his cell phone had been accidentally locked in the secretary’s filing cabinet. That’s when Eric showed us that he has a unique perspective on the laws of trespassing and intentional destruction of personal property.
Without hesitation, Eric began pulling on the file cabinet door in an effort to break the lock and recapture his cell phone. He knows that the laws he was breaking were written by white Christian men who probably owned slaves. Not only that but he was ten minutes overdue to call his girlfriend. If he didn’t call her soon, he knew he wouldn’t get any action later on that night. Eric likes to fornicate outside the confines of marriage in order to contribute to the diversity movement’s emphasis on sexual freedom. Since he’s white and he isn’t gay, his ability to celebrate diversity is somewhat limited.
Okay, what elements of THIS story do you think are true? Did Dr. Mike kick Eric out of his class? Did the secretary “accidentally” lock Eric’s phone in a filing cabinet? Did Eric really try to break the lock on said cabinet? Is it true that Eric likes fornicating outside the confines of marriage? If so, how does Dr. Mike know?
Now, we go to our last little anecdote about how UNC students are all a bunch of uncouth, obnoxious, low-lifes who don’t deserve an upstanding Christian professor like Dr. Mike:
And, finally, there is Chastity (definitely not real name). She came to UNCW last year as a very conservative Christian girl from a rural area. But, this year, her life has taken a different turn. My wife ran across her profile on the Internet and found pictures of her smoking pot out of a water bong. She had also posted comments (in chat rooms) littered with the f-word and every other imaginable form of profanity. And she posted pictures of herself – always holding a beer bottle or a shot glass – with her breasts falling out of her shirt.
After just one year at UNCW this nice conservative Christian girl has turned into a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed, drunken slut. And that’s cause for celebration at the Diversity Office where kids are encouraged to discard their parents’ values in exchange for the philosophy of moral relativism.
What parts of this story strike you as possibly embellished or totally fabricated? Maybe Mrs. Dr. Mike really did “run across” the profile of a girl whom the Dr. Mikes know used to be a very conservative Christian from a rural area (it’s possible that she was seeking Jonah Goldberg’s Myspace profile, and accidentally found the one of a girl she used to teach in Sunday School class). But it seems like quite a coincidence that Mrs. Dr. Mike would also run across the slut’s comments in various chat rooms, plus all the photos of the hussy flaunting her large, firm, escaping breasts. So, we must ask ourselves: is Mrs. Mike stalking the foul-mouthed little former Christian skank, or does Mrs. Mike just hang out in chat rooms and photo sites devoted to unprincipled debauchery (possibly “Good Christians Looking for Sluts, ” or maybe “Professors’ Wives Hoping to Go Wild”)? We must also ask ourselves if Dr. Mike actually has a wife anymore?
Anyway, while you consider these matters, I am going to do what I can to start a telethon, because the plight of university employees who don’t get promoted to full professor status is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever encountered. I’m hoping to get a celebrity to sponsor the event — and if we all keep our fingers crossed, maybe Dr. Mike can be one of Jerry’s kids.