I have nothing to say, really, about John Stossel working for FoxNews, except, perhaps, what I said when Mary informed me that Army Archerd was dead: “You mean he wasn’t already?”

Still, it’s an auspicious event, which ought to be marked in some manner, but I’m getting ready for my first appointment with the physical therapist, so I thought I’d just repost this wedding announcement from July, 2006, which was inspired by this bit o’ libertarian wisdom:

Half the states in America have banned cousin marriage, but there’s no good reason for it. You can marry your cousin and have perfectly intelligent kids.

Hear, hear!  Anyway, gotta go.  I want to get to the reception before all the corn liquor’s gone.

Meredith Lisa Stossel, the daughter of Bridget and Harold Stossel of Dogpatch, New Jersey was married Saturday, July 15, 2006 to John Bubba Stossel, the son of Sharon and Phillip Stossel of West Dogpatch, New Jersey.  Pastor A. Rand officiated at Our Lady of Perpetual Chromosonal Damage in East Dogpatch, New Jersey.

The hillbilly-themed wedding and reception took place at the Hoot-n-Holler Garden of Love in South Dogpatch.  The Best Man was the groom’s brother and son, the Maid of Honor was the bride’s mother, aunt, and second cousin twice removed.  The flower girls and ringbearer were human-animal hybrids.

The Stossel/Stossel Wedding Party.  From L to R on groom’s side:  Groom John Stossel.  Cousin Clem Stossel.  Cousin Lum Stossel.  Brother/Father Cletus Stossel.  Second cousin Abner Stossel.  Third Cousin Jebediah Stossel and his conjoined twin, Chang Stossel.  Brother and possible uncle Rip Stossel.  From L to R on Bride’s side:  Second Cousin Rose of Sharon Stossel, first Cousin and probable half-sister Rebecca Stossel, some transvestite from a local barber shop quartet, aunt Jane Darwell Stossel-McCoy, sister/sister-in-law Cissy Stossel-Stossel, Lorna Hayduke, who isn’t related to the rest of the family, but she’s her own mother, and the Bride.

Reruns | 13 Comments »

I’ve spent the past week juggling sciatica pain and cluster headaches — if it’s actually possible to juggle while rolled tightly into a fetal position in a dark closet — and haven’t felt confident that I possess either sufficient drugs or adequate excess spleen capacity to survive, let alone justify, a trip through the sideshow tents of the right blogosphere.  But conditions reached a climax of sorts last night, when I fell asleep before the headache hit, and awoke at 2:14 AM to a full-blown intracranial crisis, the kind of event which typically leads one to sit until dawn in the living room, contemplating one’s sins, and freaking out the cats.  And just to put the cherry on top, for the past fifteen minutes the would-be American Idol next door has been doing eerie, moaning vocal warm-ups that sound like a ghost vomiting.

The result is that everything I read this morning sounds like Pastor Swank to me.  So I guess the solution is to go read some Pastor Swank and see if he actually makes sense for once.

AMERICA’S GOD IS LOVE, MUSLIM GOD IS “GREAT”

The doctrinal distinction is subtle, so for the non-theologians in the audience, allow me to explain: Pastor Swank is apparently proclaiming, ex cathedra, that American’s God is a Hippie who got crabs at Woodstock, while the Muslim God is an anthropomorphic tiger with an insatiable yen for corn flakes.  I hope that puts the Clash of Civilizations in better perspective for you.

[A]ccording to the Christian Holy Book, God is not only great. God is love. That postulate is presented in both Old and New Testaments. Further, it was lived in out in the 33 years of Jesus’ existence on earth. Christians consider Jesus to be deity incarnate.

Of course, that’s what the Washington Times thinks about the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.  And the Branch Davidians thought about David Koresh.  And the Greeks thought about that bull that banged Europa.

In addition, Jesus provided His followers with a number of stories about the love life.

It’s called “slash porn” and you can find it on the Internets.  It’s also available from select conservative members of the California State Assembly, who believe they have been called by Jesus to boast about their copious semen production during legislative hearings.

The Christian deity is both great and loving. But when one analyzes the Muslim deity, Allah, that one is basically a deity of greatness as defined by lording it over others, controlling and at times even killing the opposition.

Although I’ve heard it’s really no worse than a good fraternity hazing.  The odd thing about Swank’s writing (okay, one of the thousands of weird things about this writing) is that he doesn’t seem to regard the Muslim God as false, per se, he just thinks of Him as an inferior competitor.  For instance, when discussing Obama’s “lies” in his address to Congress, Swank helpfully notes that “Allah permits Muslims to lie in order to further Islam World Rule. It is a virtue to lie. It makes points for the hereafter. It makes Allah’s heart happy.”  So Allah not only has worshippers, he has a heart, he has mood swings, and he maintains a point system that determines who among his followers are worthy to receive the Glengarry Leads.

So heresy, according to the Pastor, is really just the free market in action.  The Judeo-Christian God represents the Leading National Brand — Now with New Lemon Scent! — while the God of Islam is the plain-wrap Brand X that can’t get those ground-in sins out of your soul.  It’s another example of how most preacher pundits seem to draw their moral authority and supporting quotes exclusively from the Old Testament (some of them — Doug Giles for instance — appear never to have even read the sequel).  According to the two scriptures, the god of the Hebrews was extremely concerned about trade mark infringement by off-brand local deities, while Jesus seemed unconcerned with pagan competition, and more focused on servicing his own customer base, the Jews.  Basically, I guess, the God of the Old Testament was Bill Gates, while the Son of Man was Steve Jobs.

But I digress.  In his next column, ‘LIAR’ LOUD VS. OBAMA, Swank recounts:

Barack Hussein Obama was stunned in delivering his speech before Congress. When he promised that illegal aliens would not get a penny of his healthcare, someone cried out loudly “Liar.”

Everyone heard the word. Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden looked stunned. Pelosi turned to Biden. Biden lowered his head. Pelosi then scanned to her left trying to decipher who yelped the key term.

Say what you want about Swank, I’ve always thought he would do very well for himself as a Hollywood screenwriter.  The guy can really describe action.

The Associated Press reported the interruption but did not mention the identity of the town crier.

I believe he’s an unemployed actor who picks up occasional gigs doing radio commercials for a regional chain of mattress outlets in suburban Virginia, then works the holiday weekend crowds at Colonial Williamsburg, ringing a bell for tips.

I know who that was who gave forth. It was the patriot who represents every American who knows the truth. Obama is indeed a liar.

He is so

Is not!

for he is Marxist Muslim.

Which seems contradictory, until you realize that Obama is also a monotreme.  Then it all makes sense, especially his semi-aquatic nature.

Obama is surrounded by “czar” liars. He was mentored by Jeremiah Wright liar. He was tutored by liar Louis Farrakhan, Nation of Islam mouthpiece.

He was raised by “grandparent” liars.  He was babysat by liar Middle School Girl from Across the Street.  He was coached in soccer by Parks and Rec Department Summer Sports Program Coordinator Liar.  Even today, his groceries are put in sacks by Bag Boy liar!

What can be expected by an individual who will not produce his actual birth certificate, for instance, when there is such a clamor for just that document.

Well, in fairness, certain vocal elements are also clamoring for his head, but I don’t see him handing that over any time soon.

Scores believe he lies when stating he was born in the U.S.

Who cares what some bankrupt New York strip club thinks?

 

Then show us the certificate, Obama. He refuses. Why? Because Obama lies.

Well technically, it would only be a lie if he promised to give you the certificate, then when you opened the envelope it just contained a blank sheet of paper and the President yelled, “Psyche!”

A left-of-left Congressman, more leftist than Ted Kennedy, Obama has survived in liberalism’s colony by lying.  He claims to be Christian, for example, while tramping all over biblical ethics.  One cannot be a Christian while applauding abortion.

Well it’s not like he gives every abortion a standing O.  Some of them elicit no more than a polite golf clap.

One cannot be a Christian while sanctioning sodomy.

The only way to finesse the Christian + sodomy equation is to limit yourself to performing it on your own wife.  And keep it non-consenual, because it’s the “sanctioning” part that’ll trip you up morally.

Further, Obama as “Christian” does not know his Bible when telling inquirers during the presidential campaign to read the Sermon on the Mount to find out what Christ said about endorsing homosexual lifestyles. There is nothing whatsoever in Matthew 5-7 that refers to homosexuality.

I think that was the point, Pastor, but I guess one can’t be a Christian while sanctioning irony either.

Obama played “Christian” during the campaign by sponsoring gospel concerts in the Bible belt.

This is a terrific role play scenario that can really spice up your love life.  For instance, you could be the missionary Mr. Davidson from Rain, and your partner could be the prostitute Sadie Thompson, and things could get all heated between you when she refuses to do it in your namesake style.

Obama is Muslim; there is no way he agrees with the redemption message sung at those testimonial festivities.

Christian karaoke is a great way to unmask heretics.

Obama lies. He is not Christian.

Not that the two are mutually exclusive…

He is a liberal church member who uses that to disguise his Muslim loyalty. That loyalty was exhibited in his recent Ramadan dinner hosted in the White House. At that event he praised US Muslims for their contribution to our democracy. In truth, American Muslims are not known for their astounding contributions to our Christian-based freedoms.

Yes, there’s no freer, or more democratic society on earth than the libertarian paradise of Vatican City.  Why John Stossel hasn’t run for Pope yet I don’t know, although perhaps he’s been too busy planning his move to Fox News.  Which, when you think about it, is kind of like the new Pontiff finally moving into the Apostolic Palace.

Yes, “liar” is an appropriate word to slam against Obama during his address to Congress.

Plus, it’s a triple word score.

Slowly the grassroots is getting hold of this dangerous charlatan who in actuality works night and day to destroy our Republic, just as any powerful liar in political office would do.

Say what you like about powerful liars — they’re hard workin’.

Oh Lord | 21 Comments »

Well, I’m up to my ears with labor this Labor Day (and most of my go-to wingnuts seem to be taking it easy, judging by the tepid quality of their rants today).  So here’s a bit of Post-Post Friday Beast-Blogging.  Today’s theme: Contrast!

Moondoggie:

Good afternoon, and welcome to my experiment in German Expressionism.

And Riley:

Notice that even with my face wreathed in shadow, my eyes — the windows to the soul — are still aglow with evil.  You have been warned.

Happy Labor Day, guys.

Wild Things | 4 Comments »

If you haven’t yet, head on over to Sisyphus Shrugged, where Julia provides a brief, but highly illuminating taxonomy of Obama’s Czars and Czarinas (at last report, the President had not yet announced an appointee for the Office of White House Rasputin, last held by Dick Cheney).

Now a word from our sponsor | 4 Comments »

Well, it’s Labor Day Weekend, traditionally a slow time for news organizations and their symbiotic parasites, bloggers.  So after trolling the intertubes without success, I was desperate enough to pop into WorldNetDaily looking for a fix, only to interrupt what at first appeared to be an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting…

My name is John Stokes, and I reside in Bigfork, Mont., USA.

Hi, John!

First, I love you, no matter where you are, age sex or race. I love you and will help you any way I can. My family will also.

Um, I think we’re moving a little too fast…

I am 57 years young, married for 32 years to my beautiful bride and blessed to have one child named Elizabeth, age 28, and she is married to a wonderful man named David. I am blessed to have and love many friends.

Oh, so you’re swingers.  Hey, that’s cool.  We don’t judge here.

I get by and pay my bills and own KGEZ 600 AM radio in Kalispell, Mont. I also do an information program for three hours daily. I pray to our Lord daily that others may be cared for, healthy and happy.

Except maybe for conservationists, Jews, and African-Americans:

Klaus Stern, a Nazi holocaust survivor who recently spoke in Kalispell, took issue with Stokes‘ use of the Nazi label to describe environmentalists. “To me, ‘Nazi’ means killing and abusing 6 million Jews and 5 million Christians, and handicapped people. How can anyone call good people Nazis just because they don’t agree with him?”

After the Daily Inter Lake in Kalispell reported Stern’s comments, Stokes responded: “I’m sick of these pathetic people out there that somehow say, ‘I’m a black person, so I’m a victim. You should feel sorry for me. Everything I do, I should be excused for.’ … And that goes for Jewish holocaust victims, too. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry you gave up your guns. I’m sorry you let the Third Reich gain power … But too bad, so sad, get over it.” [...]  He has depicted blacks as whiners, told a holocaust survivor to “use both hands to take his head out of his butt” and to take responsibility for the rise of Hitler.

Immediately after 9/11, Stokes “attempted to place the responsibility for the acts on liberals, especially conservationists whom he calls “Green Nazis.” Using the fallout from the attacks, Stokes has advocated the formation of a militia for Montana’s defense … Stokes has used the World Trade Center attacks to revisit the Oklahoma City Bombing [saying] that Tim McVeigh was connected to Islamic extremists who let McVeigh take the fall … Stokes said that McVeigh might have been an extreme conservationist indoctrinated by the Sierra Club or the Wilderness Association.”

Anyway, let’s check back in with John, and see if he’s done praying for us.  Well, those of us who are white, Christian, straight, and don’t really enjoy the outdoors.

I’m not a stupid person –

Have you noticed that whenever someone prefaces a statement with those words, it never seems to go very well?

but I don’t understand why:

John proceeds with a list — a long list, 40 or 50 items — of things that he doesn’t understand, despite his lack of stupidity.  So let’s just hit the highlights:

A possibly foreign-born person is our president.

Well, it is WND, and it’s considered polite to make an offering of birtherism before you get to your main thesis.  It’s like taking off your shoes when entering a Japanese home, or bringing a hostess gift of elk jerky and bullets when you visit a militia compound.

The real truth of events is kept from the citizens.

See McVeigh, Timothy, President, National Audubon Society.

Homosexuality is now taught in our schools and considered normal. (Never met one that was normal.)

Well, it really depends on what you’re using for your standard of comparison.  For instance, you’re a perfectly normal guy, assuming the baseline is Julius Streicher.

Same sex marriage is now a right.

In Montana?  Wow, what’s next — man-on-beaver?

Our food supply now comes from foreign sources.

Our domestic food supply has been genetically modified and even kills the insects.

So we do have a non-foreign food supply, we just prefer to use our corncobs and Kraft American Singles to swat flies.

We can’t pray in public or our schools.

Try the closet.  It’s Jesus Recommended.

Pornography is free speech.

Actually some of it’s quite pricey, especially if you don’t remember to cancel before your 7-day trial period is up because they’ll bill you for the whole month, even if you didn’t think the girls were that cute.

The right to assemble and protest is limited to a free-speech zone.

I take it this is an “encore presentation” of a column that originally ran in 2004?

Our taxes pay for abortion.

Well they’re certainly not paying to fill those potholes on Fairfax Avenue, so I’m glad we’re getting something for our tax dollars.

Our jobs for American families are now overseas.

And it makes for a sucky commute.  But it is refreshing to find a right wing talk show host who’s concerned about the outsourcing of our manufacturing base rather than spending his time obsessing over bizarre conspiracy theories.

They want to track every farm animal.

Our garage sales are now monitored.

Which is why, when we had a yard sale after my grandma passed away, we could only get a buck-fifty for her decorative blackamoors.  I blame the Illuminati.

We pay for people not to work.

We pay farmers not to farm.

Farmers are going broke and getting pennies for their labor and product when we pay record prices.

Obviously there’s a flaw in the system.  Maybe we should try paying farmers to farm, or at least allow them to farm on spec.

A pickup truck cost $40,000 and is made in another country. Toyotas are made here!

And Toyota makes…trucks.  Are you sure you’re not stupid?  Maybe it’s me…

We pay for others’ babies and for illegal immigrants.

I got my illegal immigrant for 50% off at Big Lots! — and he was only slightly irregular!  The baby is still back-ordered, though.

People watch TV and become absolutely stupid.

And congratulations on your 60″ plasma screen and deluxe premium cable package.

People voluntarily drink fluoride, eat MSG, soy, genetically modified food and every other toxic byproduct of the chemical petro industry.

Soy?  I kinda get the fluoride, the MSG and the GM food, but soy?  Oh, wait — that’s right — it was WND that broke the big “Soy is Secret Homo Sauce” story back in ought-six.

I don’t understand Prozac.

Evidently.

I don’t understand why people are afraid of guns.

Have someone shoot one at you. Should clear things right up.

I don’t understand why people fear the government.

Dude, they’re tracking our farm animals!

I don’t understand why so many beautiful single women can’t find a decent man to love provide and protect her.

By a strange coincidence, John recently joined the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so beautiful single ladies…?  You’re in luck!

I don’t understand why America sleeps when we should be getting out the tar and feathers and doings as our founders did.

Sleeping with our slaves?  I think maybe just a good water- or silicone-based lubricant would do the job.

If you have any answers, I’d like you to share them with me at .

My love and blessings,

John Stokes

Personally, I’m out of both answers and questions, although John’s column has given me a great idea for a thriller about a government surveillance expert who overhears farm animals planning an assassination.  It’s sort of Blow-Out meets Babe: Pig in the City.  I’m calling it Pig-Out.

Can I Peek Under Your Hood? | 29 Comments »

While at the State Fair, Senator Al Franken appeared on Minnesota Public Radio, and during the segment, drew a map of the United States.  Free hand.  From memory.

I’ll tell you one thing — if the junior Senator from Minnesota ever invites me to play a friendly game of Simon, I’m going to politely decline.

People We Like | 27 Comments »

Yes, early December is clearly peak season for the parents of future liberals to Get Busy, considering how many members of the World O’ Crap community (or crapiers, as I believe Julia once described us) were born in the first part of September.  Today we’re pleased to honor D.Sidhe — insightful and eloquent commenter, polite but pitiless scourge of trolls, and accomplished zombie whisperer. And to properly celebrate this august milestone, we’ve seasoned the tradition offering of Ann Coulter with a tangy dash of Pam Geller.

Notice how their eyes seem to follow you, no matter where you go?  Just one sec — STOP LOOKING INTO MY SOUL! — Okay.  Back.  Where was I…?  Oh, right…!  D., as one would imagine, shares her birth date with a vast and multifarious collage of the immortal and the infamous, including:

John Cage (Occupation: Composer)

Jack Daniel (Occupation: Moonshine magnate)

Werner Erhard (Occupation: Mediocre Cult Leader)

Freddie Mercury (Occupation: Singer/Songwriter/Lapsed Zoroastrian)

Louis VIII and Louis XIV (Occupation: Inbreeders)

Victor Davis Hanson (Occupation: Loincloth Fetishist)

As an early September baby, D.Sidhe is a Virgo who is ruled by Mercury, but I’m sure it’s all just consensual roleplay.  Here’s your astrological forecast for the remainder of the year:

SEPTEMBER:

LOVE: Your pride will make you behave in an unpleasant way and this will lead to competitiveness. Try to be more cautious and not so cocky towards those who love you.

WORK: You won’t even listen to people you usually trust and this could lead to huge errors.

Hmm.  Seems the heavens are making you act like a bit of a douche.

HEALTH: Watch out for temperature highs and lows as there are lots of colds around.

The celestial bodies that control our fate don’t believe in viruses or germ theory.  The Black Death that decimated the population of Europe in the 14th century is considered by most scholars to have been caused by an insufficient faith in astrology.

OCTOBER:

LOVE: Those around you will appreciate your loyalty and trust you. Your partner will think you are really very special.

And that you’re really giving out mixed signals.

WORK: Your capabilities will be put to the test. Try to control your temper as you risk making the situation worse.

Given your slipshod, error-prone, and irrational behavior at work over the past two months, maybe reconsider your career path as a nuclear energy plant safety inspector.

HEALTH: Slow down as your nervous system is reaching breaking point.

Maybe just don’t answer the door on Halloween.  It’s not worth an aneurysm.

NOVEMBER:

LOVE: You’ll tend to keep yourself to yourself and won’t allow anyone to console you, not even your partner. You’ll continue to worry about problems, making mountains out of molehills.

Apparently the stars think you’re kind of a bitch.

WORK: New opportunities will come your way although you’ll hesitate as timing and deadlines are not clear. Seek advice.

From the stars!  They seem eager to help.

HEALTH: Your legs will feel heavy and sluggish

…according to Venus, but Pluto disagrees, and predicts you’ll have “laughing hands.”

DECEMBER:

LOVE: Fair weather friends will give some wrong advice; be careful as you could live to regret this.

Tell your friends to fuck off.  Horoscope.com is the only one who really loves you!

Follow your instincts and make your own decisions : they’ll be the right ones!

But you should listen to Uranus, because he has a wonderful plan for your life.

WORK: A punctilious superior will instruct you to re-do a task from scratch although you’d believed it was almost finished. Make your point calmly.

Then rethink your decision to join the cast of Dilbert.

HEALTH: Avoid spicy food or you could suffer later.

Also avoid bullets, gangrene, and Komodo dragons, for pretty much the same reason.

And with that, let me just say: Happy Birthday, D.Sidhe!  Thanks for sharing the wingnutty world with us.

Birthdays | 22 Comments »

Earlier today, when I glanced at the Site Meter, I saw that some questing soul had been dumped on our doorstep in response to the following search:

“Burt Prelutsky dickhead”

Now, this isn’t really a question, and not just because it lacks the requisite punctuation.  In fact, I don’t even think you can phrase this as a question, which is probably why it’s never been a popular category on Jeopardy!  But it got me to wondering how Burt’s career as a professional coot was going; and as it turns out — not so good.

As you might recall, Burt was a “humor” columnist for the Los Angeles Times many years ago; and many years before that, he was a writer on M*A*S*H, before experiencing a conservative epiphany.  Like Roger L. Simon of Pajamas Media, Burt was disowned by his so-called friends in Hollywood for this heresy, and found himself reduced to the Grandpa Simpson beat at Townhall, where he was tasked each week with finding new and interesting ways to tell you kids to get off his lawn.  How the Mighty have Fallen, eh?  Well, as it turns out, the Mighty have Fallen and they can’t get up, because Burt has now hung out his shingle at World Net Daily, where he writes a column whose title evokes the mingled fragrance of failure and hamster urine.

Judging by Burt’s current offering, it seems that just as his status as an internet pundit has slipped, so has his interest in masking his hatreds and phobias.  In Liberalism is a cult, he begins by comparing progressives to the “flock of deranged sheep” who followed Jim Jones to Guyana and ultimately committed suicide en masse.  But complaining about liberalism is too vague and unsatisfying, and with no Hugh Hewitt around to worry about maintaining plausible deniability, Burt can finally tell us what really bugs him:

Black people.

Another thing about which all liberals agree is that America is a racist nation. Up to a point, I happen to agree with them. But, unlike Henry Gates and the Obamas, I think it’s black America that’s racist.

That’s the dirty little secret that nobody is supposed to mention. White Americans are so terrified of being labeled bigots that even most conservatives are loath to speak honestly about something that the majority of us believe.

But once you’ve reached the point where your column appears between advertisements for colon cleansing and secret martial arts techniques, you can afford to be a bit more candid with your opinions.

Blacks have been riding the gravy train of racist politics for years now. For the sin of slavery, which ended over 140 years ago, long before the invention of the electric light, the automobile or even the basketball

Yeah, yeah, we get it, Burt.  We get it.

they’ve received trillions of dollars in the form of welfare checks, small business loans, affirmative action, Operation Headstart and food stamps. In return, the community, as they like to call it, has given back to America a record number of illegitimate children, violent crime totally disproportionate to their numbers, an academic dropout rate that guarantees the cycle of ignorance and violence will continue unabated, and a constant clamor for more and more in the way of city, state and federal handouts.

Come on, Burt — tell us how you really feel.

If blacks aren’t demanding reparations for the evil done to their great-great-great-great-grandparents, they’re demanding that our presidents constantly apologize for past mistakes.

Maybe I don’t hang out in the right circles, but I’ve actually never had a conversation with a black person in which the subject of reparations even came up, let alone was a constant refrain.  I did however work on a movie in Alabama, and had to spend an entire dinner break listening to a white A.D. insist that William Tecumseh Sherman should be tried posthumously for war crimes.

The fact that we now have a black president and that two of the last three secretaries of state were black doesn’t count for anything.

African-Americans, as it turns out, don’t have a quota system. Talk about irony…

They’re like those bratty little children we’ve all encountered in supermarkets who demand every piece of candy in the place and won’t stop screaming until they get it.

Struggling against four centuries of dehumanizing racism and social injustice = ill-mannered toddler on a sugar rush.  You know what, Burt?  I’m pretty sure your former Hollywood colleagues aren’t shunning you because of a mid-life political conversion; I’m don’t think they ever liked you.  Because I don’t believe it’s even physically possible to write something like that unless you were born an asshole.

It’s not just white people and white cops they despise, either. Any black person who doesn’t have one hand out demanding a payoff and the other hand holding a club, comes in for their collective outrage.

Sorry black folks.  Panhandler or mugger, those are your only two career options.  On the bright side, you don’t have to agonize all sophomore year about picking a major.

They will celebrate when O.J. Simpson gets off for butchering two white people and go into collective mourning when a freak like Michael Jackson dies of a drug overdose…

Fear of a…Actually, sort of Beige Planet

It seems that if you’re not a race hustler like Al Sharpton, Kweisi Mfume, Charles Rangel, Denny Davis, John Conyers, Barbara Lee, Maxine Waters, Henry Coates, Earl Ofari Hutchinson, Jesse Jackson, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan or Henry Gates, out there getting rich by promoting black victimhood, you’re an Uncle Tom.  For what these so-called leaders are doing to the black psyche, to ensuring that future generations of American blacks continue to grow up with a chip on their shoulder and nothing but a sense of perpetual grievance in their heart, these people should rot in hell.

Burt dreams of a day when people will be judged, not by the color of their skin, but by the perpetual sense of grievance in their heart.

I can hear a chorus of people saying, “But surely you’re not talking about all blacks.” Well, of course not. Unlike blacks, I would never generalize about an entire group of people that way. However, when 90 percent of black Americans trooped out and voted for Sen. Obama when he was running against a person with the liberal credentials of Sen. Clinton for no other reason than Obama’s race, it’s safe to assume I’m talking about 90 percent of them.

When you get right down to it, the worst thing about cults is that, unlike the Jonestowners, they so rarely drink the right blend of Kool-Aid.

So to sum up, Burt proves that white people are free of racism by calling for the poisoning of every black American except Clarence Thomas.  Oh, and I’ve also learned that as reasonably effective as my cocktail of painkillers is proving to be, it was never designed to handle something like this.  Time for go to bed.

Can I Peek Under Your Hood? | 29 Comments »

I’m seriously at risk of turning into Willard Scott here, but Heydave was kind enough to remind us that today is the natal anniversary of AnnPW, a longtime, valued member of the World O’ Crap commentariat, and proprietrix of the very smart blog Beginning to Wonder.  In honor of this auspicious occasion, here’s the traditional photo of Ann Coulter:

And hey, we must have caught Ann on her birthday too, since she’s obviously just received a vaguely slutty-looking spaghetti strap baby-tee.  Here’s hoping that all the gifts AnnPW receives today will be just as appropriate.

Ann shares her birthday will with many distinguished celebrities, including:

Adam Curry, pioneering VJ

Zheng Zhang, whose famous deeds and celebrated life were summed up thusly: “Zheng Zhang was born on September 3, 1920 in Shanghai, China and she is a famous person.”  So she’s got that going for her.

Amber Lynn “was born on Tuesday, September 03, 1963 and she is a famous actress.”  According to imdb.com, Amber has 227 films to her credit, including Vixens in Heat (1983), The Good, the Bad, and the Horny (1985) and Jane Bond Meets Octopussy (1986), continuing all the way into Anal Kinksters 2 (2003) which sounds like a delightful romp.

She also shares her birth date with Charlie Sheen, whose resume I’m not going to post, since it’s kind of sleazy.

Other September 3rd celebrities include Albert DeSalvo, the Boston Strangler; Ferdinand Porsche, designer of the Volkswagon Beetle; and Levi Mwanamasa, President of Zambia and father of Barack Obama.

According to your horoscope, “Mars in square to Pluto around the time of your birthday this year suggests that you possess powerful, transformative energy, and much will depend on how you handle it.”  Channeled positively, you can improve your own life, and the lives of those around you by achieving long sought goals.  Mishandled, and you could start a chain reaction that will annihilate all matter and cause the entire universe to wink out of existence.  So no using that powerful, transformative energy before you’ve had your coffee, eh?

Happy birthday, Ann!

Birthdays | 17 Comments »

Yes, today is the birthday of Ivan G. Shreve, Jr., proprietor of the indispensable blog Thrilling Days of Yesteryear, your one-stop shopping place for all things of a vintage entertainment persuasion, be they Golden Age movies, old time radio, or classic television (we share a fondness for the Neville Brand oater Laredo).  Additionally, Mr. Shreve is one of the Internet’s leading purveyors of fine serial synopses (come for the G-Men Never Forget, stay for The Jungle Queen).

In light of his many meritorious services to ephemeral media, we will dispense with the traditional photo of Ann Coulter, and will instead present Ivan with this color portrait of Anne Francis as Honey West.

As befits a man of his eclectic tastes, Ivan shares his birth date with an usually varied group of luminaries, including:

Barbara Jo Allen (Occupation: “Radio Personality”)
Cleveland Amory (Occupation: “Author”)
President Daniel arap Moi of Kenya (Occupation: “Father of Barack Obama”)
Rich Boy (Occupation: “Rapper”)
Marge Champion (Occupation: “Dancer”)
Amadou Diallo (Occupation: “Victim”)
Keanu Reeves (Occupation: “Actor” — I’ll double check, but I’m pretty sure that’s a typo)
Dan White (Occupation: Assassin”)

According to your horoscope:

Both the Sun and Mercury oppose Uranus.

So don’t try to tan Uranus, or send it a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet.

As well, the Sun and Mercury form a pleasing sextile to Jupiter.

I’m assuming “sextile” is some kind of strip Mah Jong, so take a condom.

A Jupiter-Uranus trine in your Return chart suggests that an enterprising spirit this year can really take you places.

Such as to the doctor, for a colonoscopy.

Saturn opposes Neptune at the time of your birthday this year. Saturn asks you to be responsible, hard working, dutiful, and serious. Neptune, on the other hand, places a veil over your eyes, and seduces you into believing what you want to believe rather than what really is.

Saturn will encourage you to reach your full potential.  Neptune will surprise you with a chlorofoam-soaked handkerchief, and you’ll wake up four hours later in the trunk of its car, hogtied with pantyhose.

So Happy birthday, Ivan, and many more.  And pay whatever Neptune asks to get the Poloroids back.

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