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Archive for January 14th, 2009

Bush Schedules Last Presidential Dump In The White House

Posted by scott on January 14th, 2009

ABC NEWS–Press Secretary Dana Perino announced on Wednesday that George W. Bush has scheduled the final defecation of his presidency in the private Oval Office washroom, known as “the Coolidge Crapper,” for Monday, January 19, at 10:35 AM (EST).  The president has requested ten minutes of live network and cable news coverage; 15 minutes if the Fi-Bar isn’t working.

Originally known as the “Taft Thunderbucket” when it was first installed in the East Wing in 1910, the toilet and separate elevated reservoir tank were handcarved from a single, 2000-pound block of Proconnesus marble from the island of Marmara, located in what was then the Ottoman Empire.  In 1923 the commode was ordered moved to a water closet adjoining the Oval Office by President Calvin Coolidge, who found it awkward making small talk at the urinals in the West Wing mens room.

Presidential scholar John Harlington said that despite some early successes, Bush’s performance in the bathroom has been mixed since 9/11, when he repeatedly lost control of his bowels during his efforts to “get out of harm’s way.”  And while top Administration officials have generally praised the president for his “steadfastness and regularity,” Bush leaves office with only a 17% approval rating from the White House cleaning staff.  Two maids, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly on the matter, declared “his aim is lousy,” while another added, “You’d think he was trying to write his name on the wall, or shoot down a fly.”

The presidential evacuation will be carried live on ABC, with special team coverage and post-dump analysis on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program.