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I was planning to just breeze through my email before setting down to work for the day, but my efforts were brought to an abrupt halt by this heartfelt, if unsolicited, message from Archibald P. Campbell:

My fellow Americans…

The Terrorists are everywhere.  To learn how to protect your children from their murderous schemes, please visit my website… http://archibaldcampbell.com/

Be sure to pass this info on to your family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, but be careful… The Terrorists may be watching!
May God bless you all…    

-Archibald P. Campbell

Now I haven’t got any children, but I do have two cats.  And if the terrorists are stupid enough to launch an attack against my non-existent children, the cats could become collateral damage.  So I figured it was time to learn more, and clicked on the link to discover that Mr. Campbell has written a children’s book:
And when I say book, I mean Flash animation.  Well, not exactly animation, but it’s definitely a succession of images, narrated in a pwecious voice by a putative child.  Anyway, here’s the blurb from Mr. Campbell’s site:
Dear Concerned American
On September 11, 2001, a most vicious and dangerous enemy attacked our nation and gave a wake up call to every American.  Now nearly eight years after that tragic day, a day that we pledged to never forget, there is a generation coming to a tender age that have never witnessed the evil achievements of the terrorists with their own eyes.
Which makes it harder to bring them up as God- and terrorist-fearing Americans.  What good is it to heed John Gibson’s call to “Make more babies!” if we outbreed liberals and brown people only to find that our own ReichKinder are complacent about statistically insignificant threats and resistant to manipulation through alarmist talking points?  Wouldn’t that be a fine how-do-ya-do?
I feel it is my duty as an American, a Parent and as a man of faith to prepare this tender generation as well as the generations yet to come for the dark future that could lie ahead of them.  In today’s haze of liberal propaganda, it is hard to know whom to trust and these vicious left wing tactics of trying to dispel the obvious terrorist threats around us are only confusing our children.
And there’s nothing more confusing to a child than a lack of omnipresent dread.  Studies show that children raised in homes where they feel safe and nurtured will grow up, like sociopaths, with a feeling that deep down inside them, something is missing.  You can supply that missing something by showing them, with the aid of this book, that terrorists wearing explosive belts are hiding in their bathroom:
It is my hope that my books will educate children at a young age to be aware of the terrorist’s threat abroad and at home.  My books embody the spirit of traditional American family values and teach our children to beware of whom they talk to and where they live.
So turn off the television, gather the family around the easy chair and enjoy these fun and educational stories that you can cherish in your family forever.
Other books by Mr. Campbell that don’t exist yet include:
“The Bibles Says…” series educates our youth about the Christian Fundamentals of our great country.  In the first book we are taught that God has created boys and girls to be different from one another and to follow their ordained roles in life.  Your children will learn that being a part of this great land requires certain convictions in the way we dress, act and worship, and that God has a wonderful plan for children who wish to be good little boys and girls.
While one might dispute Mr. Campbell’s rather orthodox view of gender roles, the tone of this book appears less deliberately horrifying than “Why Do The Terrorists Want To Hurt Me?” so let’s hope it represents the beginning of a trend in which Mr. Campbell will attempt to mold childrens’ behavior through persuasion and the presentation of positive role models, rather than through villification and scaremongering.
Or not:
Johnny Freedom has a problem; whenever he goes to the ice cream shop, or passes by the basketball court or even when he is sitting in class, the people around him sound strange and don’t make sense!  When Johnny goes to the doctor to have his ears checked, he finds out that, his ears aren’t “out of order,” it’s the border.  This book shows how foreign languages and illegal aliens are working to undermine the security and the values of our country.  Your children will learn about the broken borders and the invasion we natural citizen’s face everyday.  Your children will also learn about our Minutemen Heroes and how they are working to protect our freedom.
I haven’t got s.z.’s investigatory chops, so I wasn’t able to discover much about Archibald P. Campbell except that he was a Union officer during the Civil War, which strengthened my suspicions that this whole thing is an elaborate parody site.  But click here to watch the book and decide for yourselves.  It’s short, and if nothing else, worth it for the concluding image of George W. Bush holding an assault rifle as he stands surrounded by adoring toddlers.

37 Responses to “Help, Mom! There Are Terrorists In My Crappy Children’s Books!”

Wasn’t Archie Campbell that guy on Hee-Haw?

Yeah, the unexpectedly old guy on Hee-Haw, DOB 11/7/14, who died in 1987 with a fuller head of hair than I’ve seen since I turned thirty.

And if that thing’s a goof I doff my cap to:

the terrorist’s threat

despite the pate underneath.

Errrr, Archie?

8 years?

That would mean it’s 2009, and President Hillary is handling things, thanks.

So basically, Campbell is substituting “terrorists” for “the monster under the bed/in the closet”?

Nice. And when the kids find out there’s no Santa Claus and no Easter Bunny…and no terrorists in the bathroom, they’ll ignore the growing and real terror threats to our freedom.

Idjit. Isn’t that how 9/11 happened in the first fucking place?

And that last image…what is it with Republicans, fantasy big coc– I mean, guns, and kids?

I… I…

No, really, WTF? Where do you even start with this, I mean, after you call Child Protective Services anyway.

See, guys like this are why I hate the whole parent/child thing. You just *know* there’s something deeply unseemly happening in that family. Holy fuck. Holy fucking fuck. This is so wrong on so many levels.

What the hell kind of brain thinks kids need to be *more* afraid of brown people? No, really. It’s bad enough you let 9/11 traumatize you (And I’d personally love to know where this moron lives), the good parents I know have gone out of their way to try to explain things to their kids so as to minimize their kids’ trauma. This shit is just fucking wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong.

And this is the worst part:

but be careful… The Terrorists may be watching!

Ha, ha! Oh, how sly we are about the whole thing! That’s not even a “Don’t let people watch you at an ATM” warning, it’s a “We have the best deals on Valentine’s bouquets, but–ha ha!–Don’t let your wife know how little you paid!” self-amused joke.

If you’re not going to take the threat seriously, why the fuck should the rest of us give you money to traumatize our kids with it? WTF. Just, really, WTF.

God is missing from the “things that make me happy”. Hell, I think he’ll lose half his market right there.

My books … teach our children to beware of whom they talk to and where they live.
I don’t know, what’s wrong with kids today, if they need a book to work them into a state of quivering paranoia about their entire environment?

It just came naturally for me.

Not to ruin the buzz or anything, but I’m fairly sure this is a joke. In the next-to-the-last frame, the kid is actually peeing himself in fear. I don’t think the even hardest-core Bushie chickenhawk would show actual pee in a children’s book. Funny as hell, though.

You have no idea how much I hope you’re right about that. But he sounds exactly like my crazy, fucked up neighbor. And she’s not joking.

Hmm…Osama bin Laden appears to be a Martian. No wonder we haven’t caught him! Dude! It’s just in that “G.I. Joe” movie or “Gatchaman” where the terrorists are secretly being led by an alien and It’s all part of an sinister plot to conquer the Earth! Damn! The GWOT certainly has my unquestioning support now! This is so cool!

Eh…that’s only the SECOND most disturbing children’s book. Check out THIS warped bit o’ creepiness from Richard Cohen:

Yes…this book is REAL.

Wow, that’s amazing! Hilarious, too, since it’s close enough to the wisdom handed down by the Bush administration to make people think it’s sincere. It’s a parody, though, with little giveaways like the little boy peeing his pants out of fear. The Bushies have tried to accomplish that, but wouldn’t actually admit to it. The children’s book about “liberals under my bed” was dead serious and humorless. This one is a spot-on take-off of the administration’s attempt to keep the public in a state of fear.

My books embody the spirit of traditional American family values and teach our children to beware of whom they talk to and where they live.

Um…I don’t know about his children, but most kids tend to live wherever their parents happen to, and they don’t have much choice in the matter.

Your children will learn that being a part of this great land requires certain convictions in the way we dress, act and worship,

You can’t be a Real American if you wear pants, ladies: you heard it here first!

Burkas all around!

They hate us for our rubber duckies.

I bet that kid regrets taking his camos off before getting in the tub.

But he really shouldn’t worry. I’m sure his parents told him God would look out for him. I’m pretty sure that’s the Holy Ghost in the mirror, there.

I… Even if it’s fake… I… I just can’t…


Hmm…Osama bin Laden appears to be a Martian.


Oh my God!

Either that is the most insane, paranoid racist shit I have ever seen, or the most brilliant parody of right-wing, insane, racist, paranoid shit. I mean the one panel where the kid is in the basement and literally pissing in his pants surrounded by stacks of supplies is just hilarious.

The thing I find most interesting in all of this is that a person can’t be sure if it’s a parody or not. That’s the scary part.

Its definitely a parody, on the irrational fear mongering, the exploitation of racism, hell it even had “Nascar” listed as ‘favorite things’ in the beginning, obviously a spoof on the “nascar dad” stereotype.

But, it did take me two whirls through to feel comfortable enough to call it that.
That most of us would not be surprised to meet, or have met people who think this way is the scariest, which is of course the author’s point.

what a crap, you need to create a positive environment for kids, and take away their fear, not induce fear into their innocent mind. Terrorists are not alien they are people like you an me, but when they are being suppressed by greed of some powerful people/country they have no option left but to make their presence know through bad means. Educate kids about peace and harmony and to oppose wars, future will be much bright. I do not know how people get so free time to create something crappy shit like this book or that cartoon. Seems like some silly marketing guy wanna make some money by selling something non-sense, which is usually the case with non-competitive guys. And this site has proved to be a real world of crap by promoting this nonsense.

Hard to tell if it’s a parody or not. The thing is, the neocons are a parody of themselves.

jt, did you miss the fact that we were mocking it? Or does linking to anything at all count as promotion these days, in which case S.Z. needs to demand ad revenue.

Also, please be advised that you missed being the fifty-thousandth commenter to make the “real world of crap” joke by a mere six posts. We’re very sorry, but please feel free to try again, we should be closing in on one hundred thousand by late next month. There will be fabulous door prizes: we will mock you, or promote you, whichever you’d like to call it.

This smells genuine to me. Sadly. It’s quite the find, though.

I have nothing particularly pithy to say here…it’s just all so infuriating at this point, and so sad, that people can be this racist and small and foolish. Some things require that we go beyond mockery and begin the cockpunching.

And let’s let jt continue in peace on his quest for angry sex cat.

I think it’s a parody. But then I’m a gullible idiot.

This has got to be a parody, but that’s an awful lot of effort to go through just to make a joke.

[…] Link spotted at world-o-crap.com. […]

“The Bible Says Boys Wear Pants . . .”
And cry, and kiss and hug each other, and admit their mistakes, and oh, not to shave the corners of their beard or eat lobster or get a tattoo. Just in case you forget that there was some stuff that makes little sense in modern times. Also, didn’t they wear robes in the Bible?

“And girls wear dresses . . .”
And run businesses, verify the accuracy of religious text, preach, sing praises, and kill enemy generals. Weird laws about marriage and virginity aside, it’s scary that the Bible itself manages to be more open-minded about gender roles than some modern Christians.

Hahahahah that was bloody brilliant. (I mean as a parody) If not then it’s effing scary.

Parody. The evil spy kid in the classroom? Report all strangers to Homeland Security? The bunker full of monitors? The chipmunk voice? — sorry, the Inbred chipmunk voice. Peeing himself? Embracing the shining W with the gun?

It does a nice job of parceling the unbelievable bits out here and there so that you’re not sure you really saw them, but it’s humor. Well done, I must say.

[…] Via the blog titled World O’ Crap, here’s something that hits such ridiculous heights that it’s quite hard to tell whether or not it’s the genuine thing or a skillful parody: it’s Why Do to Terrorists Want to Hurt Me? by Archibald Campbell. It’s a children’s book in Flash animation form that attempts to explain to America’s children, some of whom are too young to recall Setember 11, 2001, what happened. […]

Has to be parody - excellently done because it’s so hard to be sure.

I can’t make out the line at the bottom of the TV screen. It starts “Dick Cheney..” Can anybody help with that? And WTF are those B&W monitors showing?

Registrant Contact:
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Record created on 2006-12-07 13:35:20.
Record expires on 2007-12-07 13:35:20.

Google site:archibaldcampbell.com lists the flash stuff that’s up there right now. No cached (older) content at google.

Phone listings do include an A. Campbell in the LA area, but that aint much to go on.

Holy shit. At first, I was siding with those who said it was–or rather, must be–parody. But I’m really not so sure. The kid peeing himself, the tv-blinded eyes, the glowing GWB (and the cherubic elephants on the columnts)–all that suggests parody. But the effort that went into this*, and the fact that the parodic moments are so subtle, suggests that the only parody in this thing is unintentional self-parody. Sorta like GWB’s “Mandela’s dead” moment.

*Case in point would be the flash-loading animation when you first visit the site. It’s so baldly “cute” that there isn’t any parodic edge to it. It’s terrifying. I hope someone gets to the bottom of this…

The Plot Thickens Here!

It’s got his bio and everything…the story seems solid enough. Seems to reside somewhere in Saint Paul MN.

The Youtube page has the most important clue to whether or not this is genuine.

It mentions a 22 yeard old Virginia artist named deven james langston who did the Flash work. When you check out his site you will find works that suggest he is likely not the kind of person to work with a person like Archibald Campbell.

I currently believe that Deven invented Archibald and this is a clever attention getting stunt, but it is not a genuine piece of right wing propaganda.

of course not you stupid Americans! it’s IRONY for Christ’s sake! look it up in the Wikipedia.

Да работы сдесь проделанно много, видно что старались.

Something to say?