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I�ve always been dubious about the purported link between pornography and sexual violence, but yesterday�s LA Times reported that Bush has signed an order creating the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument, the world�s largest marine preserve; and this action follows previous Bush efforts to lift the less stringent protections granted to the area by the Clinton Administration. So what prompted this dramatic turnaround?

The president saw a Jacques Cousteau movie. As Doctor Forrester once worriedly remarked, �You know how easily Frank is swayed by the moving image.�

But that wasn�t the most startling news the Times offered. In the midst of the Bush�s uncharacteristic spasm of humanity, we get this leaked bombshell from Deep Throat in the third paragraph:

“With a stroke of a pen, the president not only can accomplish the single largest act of conservation in U.S. history, but he can inspire the American public on the broader importance of our ocean and coastal environments,” said a senior administration official who requested anonymity so as to not upstage Bush’s announcement today.

Let me be the first to say what needs to be said here: It�s only through the fortitude and personal sacrifice of whistleblowers like this, who anonymously read Administration boilerplate to reporters over the phone, that our democracy survives. Imagine, if you will, a world in which the media did not routinely shield the identities of White House sources in exchange for a quote about how smart and handsome the president is. Why, we�d either get stories entirely devoid of talking points posing as reportage, or We The People would know which senior administration official is going on and on about the potency of the presidential pen strokes, and then Bush would know how much the source liked him, and he�d have all the hand in the relationship, and would probably be all ignoring him in the halls and at Cabinet meetings, but start making drunken booty calls to the source at three in the morning.

So you can see why our traditions of transparent governance and the free exchange of ideas rely upon the uncompromising principle of source confidentiality.

But now that we know how susceptible the president is to magic lantern shows, which movies and TV programs should we recommend to help him correct other failed policies?

I think he should just start Tivoing the Bravo network. Doesn�t really matter what day or time; after a few episodes of Queer Eye, Project Runway, Top Chef, and Kathy Griffin, I guarantee he will drop his support for the anti-gay marriage amendment, and more profitably spend his time and resources dissing Star Jones.

UPDATE

I see Kevin Drum managed to make essentially the same point, but without dragging porn or Star Jones into it.

13 Responses to “DON’T TELL THE PRESIDENT I THINK HE’S CUTE”

Personally, I think sending him up into space and forcing him to watch cheesy movies WITHOUT the robot buddies ought to a) make him a more considerate and conscionable person and b) save the rest of us an awful lot of fucking grief.

(thanks for the riff on “TV’s Frank,” who’s was a writer for Rachel Maddow on AAR)

Now now–we must remember that Bush may be the only president in United States history who, upon meeting a foreign (male) official, commented on said official’s “pretty lips.”

Any wonder why sychophantic administration officials need anonymity?

And Drum has garnered 198 comments by now, thus underscoring why, when it comes to ice milk, pop music, or Star Jones references, Americans overwhelmingly pull the lever for “unflavored”.

�With a stroke of a pen, the president not only can accomplish the single largest act of conservation in U.S. history, but he can inspire the American public on the broader importance of our ocean and coastal environments,� said a senior administration official who requested anonymity so as to not upstage Bush�s announcement today.

Actually, this sounds kinda scary. Thank you Mr. Anonymous Source – god knows what else this man can do with his magical pen powers..

And that’s why I don’t read Kevin Drum.

Bush has already made a number of penstrokes that inspire the American public on the broader importance of our ocean and coastal environments… I, for example, have been hugely inspired by his Fuck The Biosphere initiatives. And specifically his (apparently Michael Crichton-inspired) decisions to completely ignore global warming. After all, amphibians are cool. What could be more inspiring than knowing they’re all going to be dead within fifty years?

Granted, mainly what it inspires me to is spitting and cursing. Nonetheless.

And man does this ever inspire me to hope like hell no one ever hands him a Stossel book.

I think he should just start Tivoing the Bravo network. Doesn�t really matter what day or time; after a few episodes of Queer Eye, Project Runway, Top Chef, and Kathy Griffin, I guarantee he will drop his support for the anti-gay marriage amendment, and more profitably spend his time and resources dissing Star Jones.

That’s a pretty good plan.
Except…
What if the Pretzledent gets confused, much like I did, and winds up watching tee vee shows featuring Star Parker instead of Star Jones? The result could be catastrophic! Not only would he sign an executive order demanding the extermination of all life on earth the next day, he might actually do something dangerous while under that wascally wingnut’s influence! So, no, no… it’s just too risky!

I would want him the watch “Meet John Doe” to see if this part would sink in. Shrub would probably take it as a challenge.

JOHN
(after a pause)
Do you mean to tell me you’d try
to kill the John Doe movement if
you can’t use it to get what you
want?

D. B.’S VOICE
You bet your bottom dollar we would!

JOHN
(cynically)
Well, that certainly is a new low.
I guess I’ve seen everything now.

WIDER SHOT: As JOHN’s lips curl up contemptuously and he
steps up to the table.

JOHN
(throwing his hat
on the table)
You sit there back of your big
cigars and think of deliberately
killing an idea that’s made millions
of people a little bit happier! An
idea that’s brought thousands of
them here from all over the country,
by bus and by freight, in jallopies
and on foot�so they could pass on
to each other their own simple
little experiences.

CLOSE-UP: Of ANN. Her eyes light up happily.

JOHN’S VOICE
Why, look, I’m just a mug and I
know it. But I’m beginning to
understand a lot of things. Why,
your type’s old as history. If you
can’t lay your dirty fingers on a
decent idea and twist it and squeeze
it and stuff it into your own
pocket, you slap it down! Like
dogs, if you can’t eat something,
you bury it!

CLOSE-UP: Of JOHN. His voice is pleading.

JOHN
Why, this is the one worthwhile
thing that’s come along. People
are finally finding out that the
guy next door isn’t a bad egg.
That’s simple, isn’t it? And yet
a thing like that’s got a chance
of spreading till it touches every
last doggone human being in the
world�and you talk about killing
it!

FULL SHOT: They listen to him�unmoved.

JOHN
Why, when this fire dies down,
what’s going to be left? More
misery, more hunger and more hate.
And what’s to prevent that from
starting all over again? Nobody
knows the answer to that one, and
certainly not you, with those slimy,
bolloxed-up theories you’ve got!
The John Doe idea may be the answer,
though! It may be the one thing
capable of saving this cockeyed
world! Yet you sit back there on
your fat hulks and tell me you’ll
kill it if you can’t use it! Well,
you go ahead and try! You couldn’t
do it in a million years, with all
your radio stations and all your
power! Because it’s bigger than
whether I’m a fake! It’s bigger
than your ambitions! And it’s bigger
than all the bracelets and fur
coats in the world!

without dragging porn or Star Jones into it

What fun would that be?

Here’s where I get confused: Why didn’t Bush watch this movie at the beginning, when he started trying to dismantle environmental regulations?

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being inspired by a beautiful movie, but it’s the fact that it came so late and changed his opinion so much that’s frightening.

To me, if I were going to change environmental regulations I’d do my basic research BEFORE making any changes.

How such an incurious dolt managed to become President I’ll never understand.

Look, I’m incurious too; I can empathise. But it’s the Presidents JOB to be curious. At least I’m modest enough to admit that I don’t always question enough and have enough empathy to stay away from jobs where my incuriosity would harm other people.

All I ask is for a touch of humility and empathy in my President. Is that really so much?

Rather than Cousteau, he probably either watched “The Life Aquatic” which is about a man at the end of his career looking back on the tatters of a brilliant legacy that could have been, or one of those cute Star Kist commercials featuring the lovable Charlie the Tuna, a fellow who just cries out for the kind of protection only a Commander in Chief could provide.
Or if Bush watched “Lilo and Stitch”, the new preserve is probably secretly slated for some kind of covert SETI type project.

trashfire

LOL!

My inner cynic–which spends the rest of its time as my outer cynic–immediately sussed out that this “nature preserve” in the Hawaiian Islands henceforth will be a totally unspoiled refuge that only W. and his chosen few and its lobbyists will be allowed to visit.

The rest of us can wrestle our luggage ourselves off the conveyor belts in Honolulu, check into a damp hotel, and try to find a tiny bit of white-sand beach where our haunches aren’t pressed up against those of an entire package tour as well as its cigarette butts.

Cynical about Hawai’i? You betcha.

It’s “how easily Frank is INFLUENCED” From “The Sinister Urge,” now available on DVD as part of MST3K Volume 9. Buy yours today!

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