We haven’t done one of these for a while, mostly because science has found that one can achieve the same effect as reading a dozen Townhall columns in a much shorter time by banging one’s head against the wall. But hey, I already have Advil coursing through my bloodstream in an effort to combat the other aches and pains, so let’s see what’s up with those wacky folks at Townhall.
- 1. Ben Shapiro, “Daily Kos-Mania”
-
Gist of Column: Women find Markos Moulitsas of “Daily Kos” sexy, and it really steams Ben clams!
Sample Paragraphs:
The left has found its newest sex symbol. His name is Markos Moulitsas, and he’s the founder of the eponymous Daily Kos, a popular radical liberal blog garnering thousands of visitors each day.
[...]
Moulitsas may indeed be a cross between Cobain and Guevara as far as the Democratic Party goes: He’s a thuggish radical revolutionary who may end up blowing away the Democratic Party, shotgun style. Astonishingly, the Democrats continue to grin as Moulitsas pulls the trigger.
What You Should Take From This Piece: Most women (and men) find this particular combination of jealousy and humorlessness to be very unattractive, and so Ben is never going to get laid at this rate.
-
2. John Stossel, “Religious fanatics terrorize American farmers”
Gist of Column: Stossel really hates the government. He is probably a Commie, or something.
He also hates the environment. I attribute this to a lack of parental love in his childhood. However, it might just be that his evil mustache is in the pay of the pollution industry, and it keeps whispering anti-environment propaganda in John’s ear while he sleeps.
Sample Paragraphs:
Media coverage of environmental regulators makes them look like dispassionate scientists. But too often they are dangerous religious fanatics.
Years ago, when ranchers and farmers told me that our government’s environmental regulatory agencies had been captured by fanatics so hostile to the idea of private property that they’d use the endangered-species law to drive just about every landowner off his land, I thought they were overwrought. Then I learned the story of the lynx.
[...]
In government, the zealots eventually take over.
What You Should Take From This Piece:
Stossel is really, REALLY behind the times.
As you may recall, the Moonie Times broke “Lynx-gate” in 2001. The gist of this conspiracy theory is that Federal Wildlife biologists planted the hair of rare lynxes in the Cascade mountains so that the Endangered Species Act would close off federal land to the public, and confiscate private property. Of course, it turned out that the biologists hadn’t planted any fake lynx fur, they had just included some blind samples of lynx hairs to be tested by the Forest Service’s DNA lab, because they had (justified) doubts about the lab’s reliability. And more importantly, it would have taken a lot more evidence that just some lynx hair to change any land policy.
As FAIR said, “In truth, the existence of lynx would have to be verified by live trapping and other measures before any changes in management would take place, a process that could take years. Even the proven presence of lynx would not close the forests; recreation and even logging goes on in forests inhabited by lynx. But presenting such facts does not serve the conspiratorial storyline. ”
So Stossel is not just a untruthful hack, he’s a sadly behind-the-times tool. But that’s no reason not to buy his latest book!
Or is it . . . ?
-
3. Michelle Malkin, “American troops in shackles”
Gist of Column: Saying that American soldiers may have killed innocent civilians is worse than killing innocent civilians.
[Oh, and you might also find it interesting to learn that Michelle, who had nothing but approval when the military imprisoned that Muslim chaplain for months without charges, and who never apologized for calling him a spy and a traitor even after the case against him fell apart due to lack of evidence, is now is preaching the principle of "innocent until proven guilty," and feels that the ACLU should fight the Code of Military Justice which allows servicemen to be held while investigations are being conducted.]
Sample Paragraphs:
Did you know there are seven young Marines and a Navy corpsman sitting in a military brig right now in leg and wrist shackles — despite the fact that they’ve not been charged with any crime? [...] These men — our men — may be innocent. They may be guilty. Charges may or may not be filed this week. But this much is certain: The media leaks and the Murtha-fication of the case are already taking a heavy toll on the troops and their families.
[...]
Perhaps if our troops proclaimed themselves “conscientious objectors” and converted to Islam, they might start getting some sympathy.
What You Should Take From This Piece: Michelle is trying really hard, but she just can’t compete with Ann Coulter.
- 4. Ann Coulter, “Party of rapist proud to be godless”
Gist of Column: Apparently Ann has written a book. Who knew she could read, let alone write?
Sample Paragraphs:
Second, let’s pause for a moment to observe that two facts are now universally accepted: Liberals are godless and Hillary’s husband is a rapist.
My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I’ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS. Apparently, everybody’s cool with that. The fact that liberals are godless is not even a controversial point anymore.
In addition to the consensus position that liberals are godless, no one has made a peep about that swipe I took at Hillary, proposing that she have a chat with her husband before accusing others of being “mean” to women in light of Juanita Broaddrick’s charge that Bill Clinton raped her. Hillary beat a hasty retreat on her chubby little legs and is now hiding behind Rahm “Don’t Touch My Tutu” Emanuel.
What You Should Take From This Piece: Ann will say anything for attention, no matter how stupid and loathsome it makes her appear. This becomes especially evident when she has a book to sell.
You know, if everyone ignored her, I bet she’d melt into a pile of disgusting goo, much like another wicked witch.
- 5. Jonah Goldberg, Al Gore’s horror theater
-
Gist of Column: Al Gore indirectly compared global warming to the Holocaust (“In his 1992 book Earth in the Balance, he wrote that ‘today the evidence of an ecological Kristallnacht is as clear as the sound of glass shattering in Berlin.” He repeatedly refers to the unfolding ecological holocaust”), and Jonah gets all pissy about it.
Sample Paragraphs:
[W]e must ask: Why on Earth aren’t these people denouncing the movie “Cars”? [...] Surely a film that teaches young children to love cars is a great moral crime given the supposed moral stakes. Similarly, why isn’t Gore – or anybody else in the Democratic Party – denouncing NASCAR? If global warming is the moral equivalent of the Holocaust, aren’t NASCAR races the moral equivalent of corporate-sponsored, televised neo-Nazi rallies?
[...]
I know I’ll hear from all sorts of angry readers for taking Gore’s position to the extreme. But this has it backwards. I’m merely taking Gore’s extreme position seriously. We have lots of debates over the factual soundness of environmental extremism but nearly none on the moral soundness of environmental extremism. Once you compare a problem to the Holocaust – even remotely – you’ve lost your moral wiggle room. No politician, indeed no responsible person in this country, would endorse a comedic cartoon about genocide, never mind take their kids to it.
Um, but there was that “Itchy and Scratchy” cartoon entitled “Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors,” but some so-called responsible people still endorse “The Simpsons,” as far as I know.
What You Should Take From This Piece: Jonah was really reaching for an issue to be outraged about this week.
Oh, and he’s never going to get laid either.
-
Bonus Gary Aldrich quote:
[Could Hillary be elected to the presidency?] The sad answer could be yes�when you consider that 50% of us don�t even vote while another significant percentage admit they vote based solely on a politician�s looks.
Also, a large portion of young voters in 2008 would have been a mere 10 years old when oral sex became our national obsession. Assuming most parents shooed those youngsters away from the living room then and considering our schools won�t teach the truth about Clinton�they�re too busy fumbling around with cucumbers and condoms�there�s little chance these young voters know anything approaching the truth about Bill and Hill.
Yes, if Hillary becomes President, it will be mainly because today’s young students aren’t forced to read the Starr Report in sex-ed class, and so are sadly unaware that nobody ever had oral sex before Bill Clinton invented the practice.
-
Okay, that’s all the Townhall I can handle, despite all the Advil in my system. And besides, I have a kiten orphanage to run, and those damned kittens keep demanding more gruel. But I think I’ve made my point (whatever that point might be).
Since I don’t post on the dKos, I’m risking nothing by saying that Markos is a little… odd looking. I’m not necessarily saying he’s ugly or anything, it’s hard to put my finger on it, but the proportions of his face are off, somehow. But it’s not like I’m ruthlessly mocking him for his imperfection(s)–I’m at least as odd looking as he is, though in a more easily quantifiably way. So, what’s my verdict? Well, he has a sexy voice. His appearance is markedly improved when he’s got a great, big smile going (this being true of most people). And I do have an enormous fetish for latino guys. So, yeah, I’d do him. Geeze, I’m such a slut!
And why does mAnn Coulter think calling me “godless” insults me somehow? I’m a stinking Atheist! “Godlessness” kinda comes with the territory! In fact, it’s really atheism’s greatest appeal. Of course, I realize that mAnn’d little rant isn’t really directed at me–it’s aimed both at the Rethuglicans’ funnymentalist base (look-the libs are godless! *gasp!*) and at insulting the religious left (and or trying to sow the seeds of internal strife in the left between the religious and the non-religious). Well, nice try, mAnn, but neither of those things is a “universally held” belief–not even amongst the right wing. ‘Course, mAnn is so supremely self-centered that she thinks anything she believes is some “universally” held opinion. What’s that catch-phrase again? Oh, yeah: Sadly, No!
Left by Marq on June 15th, 2006