Scott, please give the ol’ Wo’C treatment to the latest Bill O’Reilly column Blood and Treasure. It’s Bill’s “kids these days” grumbling about vampires – and it’s exceptionally silly, even for an O’Reilly piece. (He’s obviously taking a vacation from punditing, but still wanted to get paid this week.) I’d love to tackle it myself, but I have a full day of animal stuff lined up. But here is Bill’s outline for the column, if that will help you.
1. I knew Bela Lugosi, and you, guy who plays a vampire in those Twilight movies, are no Bela Lugosi.
2. CBS News said that Twilight fans are doing nutty stuff. So obviously this whole craze is worthy of me, a Peabody-awarded news guy, writing about it.
3. I still have another 800 words to go, so let me now define what a vampire is for you. “For those who lack a frame of reference for Romanian folklore, a vampire is a creature who can live forever but must drink blood to survive.”
4. Stephanie Meyer’s vampires are “cool,” and that is a sign of all that is wrong with today’s young people.
5. And why do they like vampires so much? Video machines, that’s why!
6. Plus, vampires are pretty. “Their hair is perfect.” Didn’t I hear that line somewhere before? No matter, it’s mine now.
7. When I was a kid, we didn’t need vampires, because we had hula hoops! And we turned out pretty darned okay!
8. Vampires are a billion-dollar industry. How can I somehow cash in on it? I know, I’ll write another book looking out for the kids, but I’ll use the fiction-writing skills I displayed in “Those Who Trespass.” So, this novel will be about a straight-shooting, Christmas-defending, studly TV News guy who happens to be … a teenage vampire! I’ll throw in some kinky sex involving loofas, a few unpleasant murders, and some stories about my young years on the mean streets of suburbia, and it should be another best seller. Plus, it will teach the kids some much needed values. I just need a title for it. Boy, am I great or what?
Anyway, Scott, I’ll leave the actual riffing on the column to you, if you should choose to accept this assignment. Maybe you could throw in some vampire photos, or some photo-shopped photos of Bill as a vampire — whatever would dress the piece up the best. Good luck!
Oh, gee — thanks a lot! And I didn’t get you anything…
Left by scott on July 9th, 2010