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Garofalo.jpg Rick Moran, the proprietor of Right Wing Nuthouse, is a swinging stag straight out of Playboy After Dark; cool, confident, debonair, desired by women and respected by men.  An alpha male with his pick of the pride; a smooth, seductive, irresistible Casanova who won’t abide the company of any dame who fails to meet his exacting standards of pulchritude, even if her presence in his home is brief, and due solely to her guest starring role in a TV action show he obsessively summarizes for his website:

[T]here is something extra special crummy about the performance of Jeanane Garofalo as FBI Agent Janis Gold. I mean really now, are we going to have to put up with Garafolo’s character much longer? Can’t one of Dubaku’s thugs break into FBI headquarters and put us all out of our misery by kidnapping her or simply accidentally discharging his weapon in her general direction? Perhaps my views are colored both by her execreable politics as well as a face even a Pizza Hut owner couldn’t love.

I sympathize, Rick.  It must be frustrating; there you are in the middle of 24, watching Jack Bauer torture some crucially important and totally reliable national security data out of a dusky-hued day player, feeling the old rubber hose in your pants finally start to rise…then bam!  You see some bespectacled leftist and suddenly you know how that “air dancer” at the used car dealership feels when someone turns off the compressor for the night.

Now, as it happens I’ve seen Janine Garofalo at a number of smaller venues over the past 10 – 15 years, and it never dawned on me that it would be impossible to find her attractive without owning a Pizza Hut, or at least holding a controlling interest in any of the better known nationally franchised fast-casual Italian fare concepts.  So I’m thinking it must be her off-screen convictions that deliver the poison pill to the penis, and I agree with Rick that it’s unfair to put women with unarousing political opinions on TV, because sooner or later a man just gets bored with masturbating exclusively to Bo Derek, Patricia Heaton, and Kirk Cameron.

But every time she opens her mouth, I am pulled out of the show and realize that there are few actresses on planet earth who are so bad they actually make you wonder who they slept with to get the part. In Garofalo’s case, we should probably send a sympathy card to whoever that was.


Rick Moran caught in a pensive moment as he mentally composes sympathy cards to Janine Garofalo’s sex partners.

As far as other actresses who should never have been let near a film camera, who could forget the all-time worst performance in movie history – any movie that featured Sharon Tate.

Good point, Rick.  Fortunately her career was cut short when she and her unborn child were murdered by the Manson Family.  Otherwise, who knows how many performances she might be torturing you with?  And when I say “torture,” I don’t mean in a good, stiffy-inducing way.

Tate had a rack that could drop a moose but that didn’t mean she could emote.

Sharon Tate’s is a tragic story, sure, but she’s best remembered today for her moose-killing tits.

Valley of the Dolls – so campy a train wreck that it’s actually fun to watch – featured Miss Tate in various stages of undress that didn’t hide anything. Too bad they couldn’t have hid her inability to act from the world.

Poor Rick.  Why can’t his whacking material include Oscar-caliber performances.  Is that so much to ask?!

Then there was the statue-like performance of Sofia Coppola in Godfather Part III. No, not statuesque. For a woman to be described thusly, they should have some kind of shape. Unfortunately, Sofia’s rather lumpen body type didn’t cut it. Not even low cut dresses that managed successfully to take our attention away from her face (where her gigantic schnoz threatened to steal the scenes) could salvage what even Andy Garcia couldn’t accomplish; getting a wooden indian to talk back to you.

Where do these Hollywood radicals get off casting Sophie the Boner Slayer in a movie Rick might watch?!  Check out the incriminating photos!

Lumpen Body Type               Body Type That Cuts It

Finally, there was the performance by Jane Fonda in Barbarella.

Right.  The one where she’s nude.  What a strange coincidence you picked that movie…

Not a bad actress later in her career, her turn as the futurustic sex goddess was so lifeless you almost wanted to call 911 and have them shock some animation into her performance.

Okay, but I’d recommend you zip up before the paramedics arrive.

A truly classic bad movie in the most awful sense of the genre, the pre-Hanoi Fonda was in a couple of these sex clunkers that passed for soft porn back in the 1960’s. Then, of course, after her betrayal of our POW’s, Jane became a Hollywood star, worthy of Oscar consideration for her turn as a prostitute in Klute. Same Jane, same no-talent, except now she was taken seriously for her “courage” in “speaking out” against the Viet Nam war.

That’s a very cogent point, Rick.  Except Jane Fonda went to Hanoi in July, 1972.  She won her Oscar for Klute (1971) in April of ’72.

Don’t ya just love Hollywood?

I kinda do, Rick.  But then, maybe I’m just less choosy than you; letting Hollywood off easy because I don’t demand that prime time TV shows, camp classics, and horrifically murdered, but racktastic actresses provide not only entertainment, but also solitary orgasms grunted out on the living room sofa.

50 Responses to “Rick Moran Demands You Be Pretty Or DIE!”

Holy Fucking Moly! It’s like Jabba the Hut calling Princess Leia fat!

Can someone make him watch himself for 24 hours a day, every day, for a month? Maybe then he can get some perspective on “looks”.

Mason Family.

someone alert the General, his Spermatozoa-Americans are up to no good

and did anyone catch Mona Charon on Stephanie Miller this AM? my synapses were begging for mercy

Sofia’s rather lumpen body type
Until you saw fit to excerpt this phrase, I was willing to believe that the guy was writing in English.

Rick Moran sure is catty about appearances for a guy who’s built like a couch.

more Rick pics please!!! I feel so svelte, fit and handsome after seeing his photo. And I think both Sophia Coppola and Janine Garofalo are hot, but in different ways.

Well, I demand Rick Moran be thin or DIE. Granted, he could dump some a that excess poundage. But he’d still be the kind of ugly that goes all the way to the bone.

Lord, it’s not often something can start off that bad and follow it up by conjuring a bottomless pit of slime and diving in.

Okay, my first thought was: reviewing the whackoff potential of mainstream movies and teevee rather than admit what you’re really waxing the weasel to–good upside potential, internet-wise. Then, of course, I realized that Rick was just desperately trying to convince his audience he could still find the thing, let alone make it work, so that was out.

Second, what sort of hypothyroid bridge troll takes a piss on Sharon Tate? I think we know the answer.

And Kee-rist, “not even Andy Garcia”? Here’s a little game my Poor Wife and I play: 1) print out Andy Garcia’s filmography; 2) watch a movie featuring Andy Garcia; 3) using only the list, try to figure out which movie he thought he was making at the time.

Finally, I’m with the Rev.: it’s smart women who are the hottest, a fact which, rather obviously, has been restricted to those who’ve actually had sex with one.

Why do some people insist on making it so easy to mock them? Moran gets the Self-Awareness Award for 2009.

Scott, you know I love you. But sometimes it’s just fucking embarrassing to watch you skewer your target d’jour.

Not that I’ll stop, of course; I like to watch.

But Rick puts the “Moran” in moran if you know what I mean.

I’d totally tap Garafalo.

Poor Rick Moran has a poor self-image and deals with it by projecting his insecurities onto people who look normal. One shouldn’t attack people for their physical experience, especially when you’re a fat cow. (Oops! Did I just attack Moran for his bovine appearance? Or was that just accurate reportage?)

what a pig. (In several senses of the word “pig”)

A nuthouse indeed.

May I just say in all seriousness?

What a douche.

Sharon Tate?

Really? That’s the best you can do?

He wants to like women. He tries so hard to like women. No woman will ever meet his exalted standards, but women are not the problem.

The problem is that he finds “Valley of the Dolls” campy, but he thinks he’s straight.

Fair enough, but I’m guessing gay men would also avoid him.

A little advice, Rick. I’m fat, unattractive, middle aged, crazy, and highly opinionated too, and I’ve managed to pile unemployed in there as well, and I still have somehow attracted two of the most beautiful human beings on the planet to share their lives with me. I’ve even managed to hold onto one of them for two decades. (I daresay the other would still be with us if he hadn’t died.)

Sounds appealing, doesn’t it? More than whacking off to 24, anyway. I have good news, Rick, you can do it too.

Here’s the thing, Rick. Right now you’re only reinforcing an attitude in people who listen to you that beauty is only skin deep. And that’s not going to benefit you at all. Lots of people really are sexy for their brains and their personalities, believe me. I’ve spent my entire life seeking out those people and never regretted a moment of it. The really cool thing is, if you can propagate that attitude among others, you can benefit from it by having a better inside than an outside. But first you’ll have to work on your presentation.

First you might want to practice not saying everything you think. I’m not entirely singling you out, really *everybody* thinks stuff they shouldn’t say. A good way to sort is to ask “Is this something I’d like people to say about me?” If not, don’t say it. You’ll be amazed at how quickly people stop making fun of you, and how many actual friends you find, and that some of them will actually want to have sex with you.

Good luck, Rick, and once you find yourself wondering what step two is, drop me a line. But I think this is going to take a while.

Well, if Sofia Coppola is “lumpen” then I like lumpen just fine, thank you.

Jane won for “Klute” after being nomintated two years earlier for “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They”. (I’m tragically geeky when it comes to that particular area of film trivia.
I know a lot of folks who think Janeane Garafolo is hot. I don’t know any who think Rick Moran is.
Oh, and trashing Sharon Tate is not only beneath contempt, it’s probably unfair. I’ve only seen “Valley of the Dolls”, and according to Patty Duke, one reason the acting is so bad is because the director was kind of a dick. He’d give Sharon such detailed direction on what do on each word, she’d become flustered.
But according to film critic Danny Peary, she wasn’t as bad in other roles. In his book “Cult Movie Stars”, he describes her as an actress with some promise. He notes that she had some potential as a light comedienne. Her fans have said ths as well, at least the ones who post on the IMDb message boards.

I kinda hope that card hanging around his neck is a “Do Not Resuscitate” order.

Moran. Really glad I’m not him.


Can’t really top anything already said, Scott. Except, where in the FUCK do you find these bipedal pieces of far-flung monkey shit?

And D.Sidhe, it has long been established that you are a far kinder and more patient person than I will ever be, but honey, you give that cockbite WAYYY too much fucking credit. If he were capable of higher thought processes, he’d have HIT UPON ONE OF THEM BY NOW. He is old, bitter, self-loathing, and stupid. And he fucking BRAGS about HATING WOMEN. He thinks that it makes him “a man.”

And as we all know, that ain’t it, kid. It makes him a fucking ASSHOLE and a waste of my oxygen.

I don’t even think that he’s highly-evolved enough to be gay, or even self-aware enough to be in the closet. I think that he’s just a lowlife piece of shit who needs to vacate my planet as soon as possible. If I ever get the gas money and/or the Bio-Willie Bus, this motherfucker is ON THE LIST. Have woodchipper, will travel. I know, he’s not really WORTH expending even renewable non-fossil fuels, but I’ll enjoy it, ever so much.

C’mon, Scott, you can find better targets, we’ve seen this limp-dick (or totally-hidden-dick) woman-hating overgrown juvenile many times; hell, he wants to think that he’s Fatfuck Limbaugh, the ORIGINAL waste of oxygen. Find me a republicunt with a BRAIN, or at least, something AMUSING about them. This cumstain isn’t even remotely funny. You were, as always, but him? Off my fucking planet. NOW.

And, much as I hate to agree with ANY republicunt, no matter how ineffectual and/or trivial, he can take Fonda with him. Not one single VietVet bought her “apology” timed precisely for the release of her “book.” She’s a cynical, profiteering twinkie who is about as relevant and feminist as THIS CUM-STAIN Rick Moron.

Wow. What an ugly guy. Wow. And mean looking, too.

So let me see if I sum up Rick’s opinion: he thinks Janine Garafalo’s performance is one of the four worst in history, comparing it to Jane Fonda in “Barbarella”, Sharon Tate in “Valley of the Dolls” (both movies made for kitsch, but I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, Scott…bad movies sort of being your oeuvre), and Sofia Coppola in “Godfather III”.

Now, in all three comparisons, Moran mentions certain…attributes that the actress displayed, so the question I have is, when did Moran see Garafalo’s tits that he can pass judgement on her performance?

And does he rate them on a Peter Meter?

So…is he trying to ingratiate himself into Andy BlightBlart’s HollyWoodieBiggieThingieBloggie?
Or, is he just a fat fuck with a small dick?

Rick appears to be another Ann Coulter wannabe, someone who confuses sarcasm and sneers with wit. Not surprising, his readers would probably say “uh-duh…huh?” when they hear a truly witty remark.

xkcd shows where Janine Garafalo lies in the baseball-as-sex metaphor:

(I saw a clip of her on Fox morning last year, and she was great! I luvs me some smarts.)

It just occurred to me that I’m coming up on two solid decades of wanting to have sex with Janeane Garofalo. Do you think anyone’s ever spent two minutes wanting to have sex with Moran?

And Rick, because I know you’re reading this, the women ain’t avoiding you because you’re a big fat bastard; it’s because you’re a hateful asshole. My guitar player’s a man of substantial girth and a helluva guy, and he pulls more bumper than an auto body repair shop. He’s also a big player in the state College Democrats, so maybe there’s a lesson in that for all.

Roll us both down a hill/
Rick Moran would surely win/

–Old Ian Anderson lyric, uh, paraphrased.

I just want to know what Rick “I can’t spell my own surname correctly” Moran thinks lumpen means.

Capmconnundrum ruminates:
I kinda hope that card hanging around his neck is a “Do Not Resuscitate” order.

I’m thinking more along the lines of a large bottle of tequila and tattoing “Do Not Resuscitate” on his chest.

And that picture looks more than a little like one of the General’s “997 milligannons on the Roycohndar” insets.

He’s just jealous that a LIEberal wimmin got a job he’d orgasm over just by having brains and talent. Damn Hollywood! And he probably can’t help but think that when all is said and done he even has a bigger ‘rack’-maybe not at the moose killing level, but it would at least stun an average raccoon.

a large bottle of tequila and tattoing “Do Not Resuscitate” on his chest.
Most people would be content to use a needle, but clearly you are thinking of very large bold lettering.

Herr Doktor, the bottle of tequila is for anaesthetic purposes – I would hit him over the head with it.

P.S. On a good day I can spell “tattooing” correctly.

Disclaimer: I just saw a video of myself which revealed startlingly the 15-20 lbs I should lose, for reasons of health and beauty.
That said, I cast my eyes over the likes of Hannity, Limbaugh, Jonah G., Karl Rove, and this guy Rick, and I see a pattern – not of simple non-fitness, which can develop in anybody under various circs., but of unhappy, angry humans who hate the world for not coming up to their bitter standards, starting with their own personal bods, from the inside out. What Rick’s got is not just fat – it’s mad, sour, bitter, sullen, pissed-off fat.

Do you think anyone’s ever spent two minutes wanting to have sex with Moran?

I don’t think Rick Moran has spent two minutes actually having sex with Rick Moran.

I don’t think lumpen means what Rick seems to think it does. He himself is a prime example of what used to be called the lumpen proletariat.

By the way, I thought Sharon Tate was rather good in The Fearless Vampire Killers, which I believe was her last film. Of course, its mixture of horror and comedy would be well above Rick’s pay grade.

Whoops, wrong on that last point, she made several more films after TFVK.

Do you think anyone’s ever spent two minutes wanting to have sex with Moran?

I don’t think Rick Moran has spent two minutes actually having sex with Rick Moran.

Maybe in the course of an entire week, if you add all nineteen times up.

he pulls more bumper than an auto body repair shop

Now there’s an idiomatic turn of phrase.

Though taking solos w/ the git-fiddle can’t really hurt.

Mentis Sayeth:

“I’m thinking more along the lines of a large bottle of tequila and tattooing (“tatu” in Samoan) “Do Not Resuscitate” on his chest.”

You been peeking in my blinds again?


After coming-to from my first spine surgery (Charity Hospital NOLA) with a very Nosferatu-esque priest lurking over my semi-conscious form, talons extended, I made DAMNED SURE to get the “ATHEIST — Don’t even TRY” tat on the right side and “DNR — ORGAN DONOR” on the left, right over the heart and under the gravitationally-challenged tit. The skulls involved really set off the type in a lovely fashion.

Hurt like a MOTHERFUCKER. That bitch in N. FL who did it went for RIB BONES, the entire fucking time. Bet if she stuck Moran/Moron, she wouldn’t hit bone for DAYS. But then, that’s prolly how long it takes for him to hit bone, too… pah-dum-bump!

Anyway, it doesn’t matter if you mark, “NO, I DO NOT WISH TO BE ‘VISITED’ BY ANY MEMBER OF THE CLERGY,” or that you check the box, “NONE” under “Religion?” on any of ANY hospital’s forms, if they got rosary-rattlers, they’re gonna try and shove ‘em right down your just-extubated throat, even if you are unfortunate enough to be a female and not their type.

Oh, and btw Herr Doktor & Mentis: 1. Never waste good booze on the useless, and 2. Who in the HELL ever said that this gibbering wad of protoplasm DESERVED anaesthesia?!?!??!!?


” What Rick’s got is not just fat – it’s mad, sour, bitter, sullen, pissed-off fat.” — Li’l Innocent

And thusly you have described my T-3-”logic”-inspired gain of 150 pounds inside of 8 months, my senior year of high school. Yeah, yeah, I lost most of it later, but that’s not the point. The point is that at the time, I actually held that there WAS a point of doing that to myself. Yeah, I know, not to my credit that I can empathize on this one level with aforementioned giant sacks o’crap, but I found Innocent’s an interesting analysis and worthy of commentary.

Herr Doktor, the bottle of tequila is for anaesthetic purposes – I would hit him over the head with it.

Oh, and btw Herr Doktor & Mentis: 1. Never waste good booze on the useless, and 2. Who in the HELL ever said that this gibbering wad of protoplasm DESERVED anaesthesia?!?!??!!?

Annti, can’t say for sure, but I’m guessing that the tequila was for Herr Dok: He drinks it, THEN bashes Moran over the head with the empty bottle – not with the humanitarian aim of protecting him from pain, but for practical purpose of rendering him sufficiently still for the tatooing. At least I hope so; I’m entirely with you on the issue of not wasting good tequila.

Scott, I hope you and S.Z. are okay. I worry when we don’t hear from you for awhile.

Who in the HELL ever said that this gibbering wad of protoplasm DESERVED anaesthesia?!?!??!!?

Out of respect for calligraphy, I’d prefer the subject to remain still.

Sheesh, I need to pay closer attention to who says what. Sorry, Mentis.

Speaking of subjects that don’t remain still, has anyone designed a type face specifically for the demands of tattooing? Somehow Helvetica doesn’t seem appropriate. Or Palatino.

[...] This has happened only once or twice in 4 years so I hope you will let it slide and continue to join me for a look at some of the issues raised by the show as well as the silly fun we have with some of the characters. Evidently, some poor schmucks on the left have the sense of humor of a potato and believe I am a hypocrite because I am a fat old man who disses the personal appearance of some of the cast members. In fact, as regular readers know, my descriptions are so over the top that they become a parody of themselves – sort of like Larry Flynt describing the late Jerry Falwell but without the gross sexual and bathroom references (no doubt since I didn’t include any scatological humor, the brainless twits didn’t recognize it as parody.). Since it takes more than two brain cells working for the average three year old to figure this out on this site, the numbskulls who believe I have no business taking potshots at any character for their physical appearance can be forgiven their idiocy. Allow their brains to mature a bit before we judge them too harshly. [...]

So, lemme see if I have this straight….

This obese sack of shit is passing judgment on women for their appearance.
Does dude not realize there are strippers that wouldn’t even go near him if he were waving $100 bills at them?
Until this hosebag gets on a diet, loses about 250 lbs, develops 6 pack abs, and wins a motherfucking decathalon, he can just STFU.

Evidently, some poor schmucks on the left have the sense of humor of a potato and believe I am a hypocrite because I am a fat old man who disses the personal appearance of some of the cast members.

Awwww, Scott! You hurt Rickyboy’s feelings!

Hey, Ricky? Need a second opinion?

Yer a fucking idiot, too.

Not a bad actress later in her career, her turn as the futurustic sex goddess

Wow, so back in 1968′s Barbarella, Fonda used her 1990s co-ownership of a sheep ranch in Montana with Ted Turner as motivation for the scene where she fucks Duran Duran?

Herr Doktor: While there is no “official” typeface for tattooing text, I highly recommend Arial. Sans-serif fonts tend to bleed/blur far less. Not “bleed” as in the process, but in terms of how the pigment tends to osmose out into the neighboring flesh/skin cells.

How in the HELL the gothic-ish fonts of “Olde English” and similarly pseudo-”historical” typefaces ever got “institutionalized” as standard for this gang or that gang or that gaggle of wannabes driving overpriced designer motorcycles (well, not so much “driving” as “being seen purchasing”) in order to combat the physical effects of male menopause, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

Give those “gangsta” stomach arcs ten to fifteen years, and enough beers behind ‘em, and they’re going to look like a topagraphical map of the Andes. Even the simplest line art with single-needle work will blur, at some point. The black always turns blue, the freckles will always fuck-up the original art concept, and prison or garage tattoos will always look like a warning poster for hepatitis.

Does any of that help?

Ann, I see your point, but an empty bottle doesn’t pack nearly the forward momentum/force needed to render most fat-headed morons unconscious, or even satisfactorily stunned, in order to duct-tape them into a folding chair for said tattooing. Can we fill the bottle with Quik-Crete before we hit the motherfucker?

And Mentis, I fully understand your point of needing a static medium upon which to practice tattoo art, but as I noted above to Herr Doktor, I don’t recommend typical calligraphy fonts. At some point, he’ll be able to attempt to pass it off as a ghastly birthmark, industrial accident, or, if he is re-released into the wild, as evidence that he was abducted and used for medical testing by the same aliens that stole his balls.

No, I don’t think that they stole his el penito, he just hasn’t seen it since Nixon had one.

Something to say?