The votes are in, and 9 out of 10 fetuses prefer defrocked Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to President Barack Obama, according to RenewAmerica. In his weekly column, Reverend Michael Bresciani, who speaks fluent blastocyte, randomly samples a series of wombs, and reports that while Obama remains popular among America’s post-born youth, he enjoys far less support from members of the intrauterine electorate.
Barack Obama will finish his term of office in only four years if he is re-elected he will have four more years.
And if we don’t find that missing comma, we may never be rid of him.
No child born here in the U.S. or abroad will reach voting age before he finishes his term of office. Those aborted will never so much as hear who is running for office.
Which is a shame, because most fetuses — at least the ones I know — are obnoxious political junkies who’ll kick their mother’s insides black and blue until she turns on C-SPAN and presses her distended belly up against the screen.
We don’t need to ask the pro-choice crowd what they think of Obama’s first act as President and we can’t ask the aborted babies. If we could reach out to some place where their voices could be heard what would they say?
They’d probably sound all gargly-voiced like those singing mermaids in the It’s A Small World ride. But since we can’t stick a boom mic up a pregnant woman’s birth canal and not get arrested, we’ll have to rely upon Mr. Bresciani’s mastery of the placental telegraph. But before we follow him through the cervix, perhaps we should take a moment to vet the Reverend’s bona fides. According to his RenewAmerica biography:
“Rev. Michael Bresciani is a Christian author and a columnist for several online sites and magazines. His articles are now read in every country in the world.”
Even the tiny Republic of Togo. Anyway, back to polling the polliwogs…
On the question of Rod Blagojevich being ousted as Governor of Illinois for allegedly trying to sell Obama’s vacant senate seat I’m sure they could care less.
Apathetic Zygotes. Today on Oprah.
As for President Bush they may say they are thankful for the ban he provided so no U.S. taxpayers had to foot the bill for their murders.
Murder should be privately funded, ideally by faith-based charitable organizations. (It’s been my experience that fetuses are easily seduced by the novels of Ayn Rand, but most of them outgrow Objectivism by the time they’re crowning.)
They might also ask him why he hadn’t noticed that in his search for weapons of mass destruction he didn’t look a little closer to home. Roe v. Wade is the single greatest weapon of mass destruction to come along since the creation of atomic weapons. It has resulted in almost fifty times more loss of life than laid on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in WW II. They might add that “these are American lives not the lives of our enemies” as if we didn’t know that.
Fetuses are cute, but they can be real assholes with that whole “I told you so” attitude.
Can the deceased or aborted of one generation actually rise up and witness or testify against those of another generation? Let’s see.
This is a good time to mention Rev. Bresciani’s new book, Zombie Zygotes: How They Can Spice Up Your Next Revival Meeting.
It may be above Barack Obama’s pay grade to answer the question of when human life actually begins but is not above his pay grade to answer when it should end.
I’d say at least three paragraphs ago.
This is my answer and my pay grade is zero. I get nothing for writing these articles and I am still overpaid
No argument here, Reverend.
…because I have the pleasure of believing that my voice in some small way is the voice of the unborn children of this generation.
He’s the Kanye West of Protoplasm.
My answer is; life begins at the beginning. Every second thereafter it is a new life, a human being, already living and developing and crying out for only what we already have; a chance for “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
The Supreme Court has ruled that miscarriages are unconstitutional.
The last time I mustered the nerve to view an actual abortion video what I saw was mangled body parts and what seemed like rivers of blood.
I can’t help wondering what else is in this guy’s Netflix queue.
While I could not say for sure just what the voices of destroyed infants are saying I am sure that what I saw was real human blood. Innocent blood!
Of course, at times and in places where abortion is neither safe nor legal, you’ll also see rivers of blood. But it’s guilty blood, so it shouldn’t put you off your popcorn.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write letters of apology on behalf of America to every country in the world.
But before we follow him through the cervix
You forgot the “Riddle of the Sphincter” joke.
Left by herr doktor bimler on February 3rd, 2009