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Archive for December 5th, 2010

Mikey’s Got A Gun!

Posted by scott on December 5th, 2010

Gather round, friends, because radio gabber and adopted son of Ronald Reagan whose unused portion was returned for a full refund Michael Reagan is giving a seminar on dealing with all enemies, foreign and domestic.  In short: point a gun at them (but just to avoid trouble with the authorities, make it an unloaded gun, and be careful to look silly while you’re doing it).

I know what you’re thinking. “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is an empty .22, the least powerful handgun in the world, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Oh.  You do?  Well…You should probably go buy some Lotto scratchers then.

WikiLeaks’ Assange and Pvt. Manning Should be Tried for Treason

If we had a president in the White House who understood that we are at war with a crazed faction of Islam, and was willing to act on that belief, there would be no question about how we should deal with people who give aid and comfort to the enemy — they’d be tried for treason and when found guilty stood up before a firing squad.

A president like Michael’s dad.  A man who, if he did not necessarily know we were at war with a crazed faction of Islam, almost certainly began to suspect it after the 1983 Beirut barracks bombing, when someone in the White House pointed out that he had managed to lose more U.S. Marines in a single day than any president since World War II.  And unlike the current Administration, Reagan had a plan for dealing with the traitors who give aid and comfort to the enemy: sell weapons to the same crazed faction that attacked us, thereby making the traitors look like small potatoes (because aid and comfort is nice, but TOW anti-tank missiles are nicer; not to mention the lovely key-shaped baked goods that came with them as lagniappe), and ensuring that whoever was getting killed — us, them, whoever — we’d make a profit on it.  Because the man was first, last, and always a Fiscal Conservative.

Julian Assange and his fellow conspirator Pvt. Bradley Manning allegedly betrayed the United States, gave aid and comfort to the terrorists who seek to destroy the United States, and if found guilty they deserve nothing less than death sentences for their unspeakable crimes.

I’m not sure that Assange, an Australian who doesn’t live in the United States, can legally “betray” it, but still, one can’t ignore the precedent set by the execution of Daniel Ellsberg.

Their pitifully lame excuse that they were merely trying to provide information to the American people that was being improperly withheld from them by the government is on a par with Benedict Arnold’s claim that he was merely trying to inform the British on information the American people believed they deserved to have.

Often when I read a conservative  columnist and encounter what context indicates is a joke, I think, “well, that’s kind of stupid.”  But then I remember that everything liberals observe in wingnuts (sociopathy, hypocrisy, racism, etc.) is really just a projection of our own mental illnesses, so in reality the conservative columnist is actually so smart that his writing probably works on multiple levels at once, which means that at this very moment, there is some place, in a quantum branch of infinite-dimensional Hilbert space, where that joke is funny.

Anyway, the super-intelligent pan-dimensional mice seem to like a good Benedict Arnold gag.

On the contrary, the public does not have the right to know everything — some information needs to be kept secret if the public’s safety is to be assured. Consumers do not need to know the gory details of how sausage is made

Rather than establishing the business-strangling USDA, the government should have just hanged Upton Sinclair.

…nor do the people need to be made aware of all of the details of what is being done to protect them.

For instance, Erin Brockovich spilled the beans about how Pacific Gas & Electric contaminated the residents of a small California town with hexavalent chromium.  What Hollywood didn’t tell you — and what you didn’t need to know — is that PG&E was working under contract from the U.S. government to make Californians unappealing to the aliens who wrote that To Serve Man cookbook.  NASA figured out that if you fill humans with enough hexavalent chromium, they become the equivalent of the Japanese fugu fish — very tricky to prepare without poisoning the diner — and the aliens would go find some other planet with a dominant species they could just microwave.

Nobody ever demanded that those scientists engaged in building the atomic bomb that ended the war with Japan should do their work openly and share their secrets with the public, and nobody has the right to decide which secrets the public has a need to know.

Nobody has a right to decide what should be secret?  So who or what handles security classification for the federal government?  That NotMe guy from Family Circus?  A platoon of Shmoo?

I’d stamp this one “Warning Notice – Intelligence Sources and Methods Involved (WNINTEL),” but I don’t have any arms.

Pvt. Bradley Manning, the soldier who is alleged to have illegally obtained the documents, is already behind bars where, if justice is to be served, he will remain for the rest of his life. Assange’s punishment is yet to be determined, but it should be equally as harsh, if indeed he escapes the hangman’s noose, although he should not.

Oh, Michael, that’s your answer for everything.  Seriously.  In 2008 he called for an anti-war activist to be shot for transmitting information — not to our enemies in this case, but to our troops, in the form of DVDs containing some nutty 9/11 Truther documentary:

“Excuse me folks, I’m going to say this. We ought to find the people who are doing this, take them out and shoot them. Really. You take them out, they are traitors to this country, and shoot them. You have a problem with that? Deal with it. You shoot them. You call them traitors, that’s what they are, and you shoot them dead. I’ll pay for the bullets.” Reagan adds, “How about you take Mark Dice out and put him in the middle of a firing range. Tie him to a post, don’t blindfold him, let it rip and have some fun with Mark Dice.”

Meanwhile, back in the present…

According to news reports, the Feds are attempting to learn whether Assange violated any criminal laws

But that doesn’t mean we should wait to execute him for treason.  Or at least transport him to a penal colony on the other side of the world.  I bet he’d hate that.

but there is no question of the serious nature of the crimes committed by Assange and Manning — by their despicable actions they have plunged a dagger into the hearts of the American people

They have stabbed the American people in the head with the Sausage of Knowledge!

It should be kept in mind that Assange and Manning are not the only entities who have put the American people at risk. Those in the media who couldn’t wait to publish the information given them by the pair are equally guilty of endangering the American people.

Exactly — we’re Americans!  You’re better off putting a bullet in our brains than a fact.