Remember last week, when the stimulus bill was revealed as the culmination of a decades-long Communist plot involving a Kenyan-born sleeper agent and a bio-engineered “doomsday” virus spread by the salt marsh mouse that caused people to vote Democratic, and ultimately to dine, zombie-like, on the tender flesh of derivatives traders? Those were good times, weren’t they? I mean, yes, it meant that as soon as Obama signed the bill, civilization would destroy itself in a single night, like the climax of Azimov’s Nightfall, but at least there’d be no one left behind to envy the dead.
But now I learn a noted theologian has proven that the stimulus bill is actually a blood pact, and with one stroke of the pen, President Obama has legally sold our souls to Satan! Bet you weren’t expecting that, were you? Makes a lifetime spent toiling in a heroic tractor factory for the greater good of the proletariat sound pretty good, doesn’t it?
I would like to share with you some words on a subject of great importance. This happens to deal with Satan’s Stimulus Program that has been signed into federal law.
I must remind all Americans that this stimulus program is in violation of God’s Law and Word. It is a sad event that the leaders in Washington who are supposed to work for us, the American people, have made themselves gods above the great God Jehovah by passing such a Satanic stimulus plan. We can thank these leaders for condemning us all to Hell for their actions.
Even innocent babies born since Satan’s Stimulus was signed are condemned to burn in the lake of fire for all eternity, no matter what good works they may accomplish during their lives, so I think when they get older they should really cut loose at Spring Break. By the way, when I say “noted theologian,” I actually mean “the Rt. Rev. Christopher ‘Stonewall’ Shelton, bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Saint James in Toomsuba, Mississippi.” And when the Rt. Rev. Stonewall says “bishop,” he apparently means “graduate of Kirk Cameron’s correspondence school seminary, The Way of the Master School of Biblical Evangelism,” and when he says “Diocese,” he means “basement.” At least, a quick check of public records for Toomsuba, MS reveals no Episcopal church, and the website of the Episcopal Diocese of Mississippi seems to think some other guy is the bishop. But that’s no reason Stonewall can’t put on a royal purple dicky and get into a lawsuit with Satan over our souls!
The decline of this nation began some forty years ago with the liberal selfish 1960s. The liberal openness of that era set the stage for the devilish “stimulus law” that is discriminatory by promoting hatred and bigotry against Christians. This may sound strange to a lot of Americans. But this is exactly what is happening through this program.
If it hadn’t been for The Beatles, Congress would never have approved that bailout of AIG.
The government will use this stimulus program to take away the rights and freedoms of the Christians in this country. The secular government will come after the Christians, since we are adversaries of the Devil. We may face death through instant or slow rot in the concentration camps the government has set up for us.
I always choose the slow rot, because then the meat just falls off the bone. Mmm.
As a servant of the Creator on High, I and this diocese will continue to stand firm against Satan’s Stimulus Program.
I too feel the call to service, and herewith vow that I and the papal state that I’ve just decided my office is, shall fight unto our last breath against the efforts of all mythological creatures who seek to promote economic growth through deficit spending, including the seven robber-gods of Babylonia and their Extension of Unemployment Benefits, and Loki, the trickster god, and his evil schemes to increase liquidity in the credit markets!
Pacem et Cristos,
+Stonewall
Just as an aside, I think bishops, cardinals, and even popes would get a lot more respect if they adopted tough-sounding nicknames like “Stonewall,” “Ol’ Hickory,” or “Old Blood and Guts.” Something like Bishop Fulton (“Old Wafers ‘n’ Wine) Sheen, or Pope Benedict (“Benny the Fish”) the 16th.