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Remember last week, when the stimulus bill was revealed as the culmination of a decades-long Communist plot involving a Kenyan-born sleeper agent and a bio-engineered “doomsday” virus spread by the salt marsh mouse that caused people to vote Democratic, and ultimately to dine, zombie-like, on the tender flesh of derivatives traders?  Those were good times, weren’t they?  I mean, yes, it meant that as soon as Obama signed the bill, civilization would destroy itself in a single night, like the climax of Azimov’s Nightfall, but at least there’d be no one left behind to envy the dead.

But now I learn a noted theologian has proven that the stimulus bill is actually a blood pact, and with one stroke of the pen, President Obama has legally sold our souls to Satan!  Bet you weren’t expecting that, were you?  Makes a lifetime spent toiling in a heroic tractor factory for the greater good of the proletariat sound pretty good, doesn’t it?

I would like to share with you some words on a subject of great importance. This happens to deal with Satan’s Stimulus Program that has been signed into federal law.

I must remind all Americans that this stimulus program is in violation of God’s Law and Word. It is a sad event that the leaders in Washington who are supposed to work for us, the American people, have made themselves gods above the great God Jehovah by passing such a Satanic stimulus plan. We can thank these leaders for condemning us all to Hell for their actions.

Even innocent babies born since Satan’s Stimulus was signed are condemned to burn in the lake of fire for all eternity, no matter what good works they may accomplish during their lives, so I think when they get older they should really cut loose at Spring Break.  By the way, when I say “noted theologian,” I actually mean “the Rt. Rev. Christopher ‘Stonewall’ Shelton, bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Saint James in Toomsuba, Mississippi.”  And when the Rt. Rev. Stonewall says “bishop,” he apparently means “graduate of Kirk Cameron’s correspondence school seminary, The Way of the Master School of Biblical Evangelism,” and when he says “Diocese,” he means “basement.”  At least, a quick check of public records for Toomsuba, MS reveals no Episcopal church, and the website of the Episcopal Diocese of Mississippi seems to think some other guy is the bishop.  But that’s no reason Stonewall can’t put on a royal purple dicky and get into a lawsuit with Satan over our souls!

The decline of this nation began some forty years ago with the liberal selfish 1960s. The liberal openness of that era set the stage for the devilish “stimulus law” that is discriminatory by promoting hatred and bigotry against Christians. This may sound strange to a lot of Americans. But this is exactly what is happening through this program.

If it hadn’t been for The Beatles, Congress would never have approved that bailout of AIG.

The government will use this stimulus program to take away the rights and freedoms of the Christians in this country. The secular government will come after the Christians, since we are adversaries of the Devil. We may face death through instant or slow rot in the concentration camps the government has set up for us.

I always choose the slow rot, because then the meat just falls off the bone.  Mmm.

As a servant of the Creator on High, I and this diocese will continue to stand firm against Satan’s Stimulus Program.

I too feel the call to service, and herewith vow that I and the papal state that I’ve just decided my office is, shall fight unto our last breath against the efforts of all mythological creatures who seek to promote economic growth through deficit spending, including the seven robber-gods of Babylonia and their Extension of Unemployment Benefits, and Loki, the trickster god, and his evil schemes to increase liquidity in the credit markets!

Pacem et Cristos,


Just as an aside, I think bishops, cardinals, and even popes would get a lot more respect if they adopted tough-sounding nicknames like “Stonewall,” “Ol’ Hickory,” or “Old Blood and Guts.”  Something like Bishop Fulton (“Old Wafers ‘n’ Wine) Sheen, or Pope Benedict (“Benny the Fish”) the 16th.

31 Responses to “Stimulus Bill Possesses Linda Blair; Pea Soup Ensues”

I don’t think +Stonewall is sincere.

If he really believed that we’re all going to hell because Obama signed the Stim bill, you’d think he could scare up a little moaning and gnashing of teeth, instead of this tone of grumbling peevishness.

“Stonewall”, feh. Ol’ Wafers ‘n’ Wine (whom I dimly remember) could have produced more convincing rhetoric without pausing to adjust his birettino

Now scott (I can loan you some upper-case “s”s, by the way. My legal middle name starts w/ an “S”, & I seldom use it.) let’s be totally honest. He (no picture?) is part of the Restoration Episcopal Church.

Old Anglican jurisdiction: We trace our lineage back to the time of exactly when King Henry 8th expelled the Roman Catholic Church from The Empire. The monarch set up the Church of England as a carbon copy of The Roman Catholic Church not reforming it in any way. [The liberal changes did not occur until the reign of Elizabeth 1st.]

So there. He’s a better ‘piscopalian/Catholic than any of you all.

How does Alan Keyes keep finding talent like this?

Easy, Mark. You wait till a heavy rain and go out at midnight and start flipping over big flat rocks. Admittedly some of Alan’s finds suggest he’s leaving beer traps and potato peels out too.

Makes a lifetime spent toiling in a heroic tractor family

is that the stage before a nukular family?

If it hadn’t been for The Beatles, Congress would never have approved that bailout of AIG.

After all, who could listen to the plaintive “You Never Give Me Your Money” without wanting to turn out their wallet?

If we’re trying to isolate/eliminate christians in this country wouldn’t it be easier to round up non-christians into club med type camps and leave the rest of us christians to fight to the death in a post-apocalyptic American? Just trying to cut down the budget on the inevitable secular revolution.

We’re not in a post-apocalyptic America?

Wtf was the 80s about, then?

You dropped the ball on this one, Scott. The Restoration Episcopal Church, proud defenders of The Lambeth Quadrilateral of 1886 and its discountenance of schism–somebody has to–is a real, national organization of like-minded, Bible-believing Anglicans. I even found their xanga site, which is hosted by national spokesman, uh, lessee…Rt. Rev. Stonewall.

Okay, so that explains why I couldn’t find the link to affiliated churches in my area.

You younger kids might be thinking “Dixie Episcopalians”? Is that a contradiction in terms, or just a leg pull? But we students of the history of the One True Church, all 1473 of ‘em, well remember the important role Southern Episcopalians played in the struggle for Civil Rights, as when they slammed the church doors in the face of the late Episcopal seminarian Jonathan Daniels, who’d had the effrontery to show up for services with some Nigras in tow. Didn’t know the local customs, apparently, and didn’t have much time to learn since he was shotgunned from ambush after being released from jail later that week.

At least, a quick check of public records for Toomsuba, MS reveals no Toomsuba, MS

There! That’s more accurate.

This may sound strange to a lot of Americans.

No!!!!! Really????

they slammed the church doors in the face of the late Episcopal seminarian Jonathan Daniels

Isn’t he better known as Jack?

As Philosopher King of the First Church of Actor212 and Discount Massage Parlor, better known as “Hang ‘Em High Carl”, I would like to weigh in on this.


By the way, this Satan Stimulus Program…why was there no sex mentioned?

Bishop Stonewall’s Xanga profile reveals that his favorite theme song is “Facts of Life” — that’s also the song he repeats the most — and his favorite quote is “Jesus is the MAN!” His Holiness is a genuine apostle of the Church Father to whom all true Dixie Episcopalians look for guidance — St. Thomas More — who said (according to teh internets): “Whoever loveth me, loveth my hound.”

Ouch, I did fumble this one. Perhaps as penance I can set up a play date between the Rt. Reverend of Toomscuba and Mel Gibson’s dad, the Rogue Pope of Malibu.

At least many of the loonies gave up hiding and now patrol the land in plain view. Makes my life easier to see ‘em coming.

But at least these guys aren’t all fucked up over long-time-gone nonsense like which Imam/prophet/dusky-hued-fella killed whom, thus creating some religion-based us v. them.

Ya mean the bloke from “Doctor Who”?

Oi, reposting as the quoted article text didn’t take:

“The Way of ‘the Master’ School of Biblical Evangelism”

Ya mean the bloke from “Doctor Who”?

Good Lord, it gets better. Shelton’s not even the “leader” of some Confederate Episcopal schismatics; he’s a graduate of Archbishop Mike’s While-U-Wait Ordinations and Live Bait Shop:

“If for whatever reason you have not been able to fulfill your calling to minister ordination or licensing in another denomination, or if you are simply seeking a loving, forgiving, accepting, and merciful fellowship, then our church community may be just what you’ve been searching for. We invite you to join us…

“if you are seeking minister ordination or licensing, or if you would like to unite with this church fellowship, I invite you to review this page, read the following pages about our Communion, and then apply for minister’s credentials by answering some questions, or send in the application for membership.”

Here’s the page with Rt. Rev. Stonewall’s cv, except he drops the “Stonewall” in mixed company, and his church turns into The New Testament Episcopal Missionary Archdiocese of the Good News.

So unless I’ve miscounted, that’s three crackpot preachers for Renew America, zero crackpot preachers who can manage to get, or maintain, a job with even a marginally mainstream wingnut operation. I call this myth busted.

Rt. Reverend of Toomscuba
I see what you do there; too tasteful to mention wetsuits.

Pope Benedict (”Benny the Fish”) the 16th.

Actually, the pope does have a butch nickname: Panzer. No joke.


I wonder if Br. Shelton understands precisely what “Stonewall” refers to in some more…equitable…parts of the country?

“Benny the Fish” is a ‘piscopalian.

As an ordained minister, I say this fuckhead is full of shit.
God bless!

That “Stoner’s Creed” on his website is really disappointing.

Ya ask me, “Azimov’s Nightfall” is just a cheap rip off of the one written by Isaac Asimov.

I would like to take this opportunity to repudiate something which I have often said and long held to be true:

“If you’re kin to ANYBODY in Mizzippi, you’re kin to ALL of Mizzippi.”

‘Cause there ain’t no way in hell, space, or the greater universe that I’m related to THAT scum-sucking toad-fucker. I’m still waiting on the DNA test that’ll prove that I’m not kin to anybody in Mizzippi (i.e. Teh Dick), but I can promise y’all this: even if I am somehow related to Teh Dick and his various and sundry hick kin, there is NO fucking way that any of them, even the ones who are most loathsome, are kin to THAT.

And yes, I’d bet both of my gravitationally-challenged tits on it.

Loki, the trickster god, and his evil schemes

That’s funny, I was just thinking wow, Ratatosk the Squirrel of Discord has hidden nuts all over Stonewall’s tree.

Meanwhile, Pastor Grant Swank asks the musical question, “Will you be at the marriage supper of the Lamb?” The answer might surprise you:

“Then he (Christ) said to me (John the apostle), ‘Write, Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.’

“And he said to me, ‘These are true words of God.’”

Will you be at the marriage supper of the Lamb? I hope not.

That is, I hope you will not be eating the marriage supper of the Lamb menu.

On the other hand, I do pray that you will be there to see it eaten; but you would not want to partake of the banquet set forth.

Got that?

“Benny the Fish” is a ‘piscopalian.

He is not! And besides, Eddie Murphy was funnier on SNL!

What’s up with those paranormal pedophile impregnating teen girl who gave birth in manger worshippers?

They keep saying it’s gawd’s will when sh*t happens to someone not in their pews…but when sh*t happens – gawd’s will – they way they don’t cotton to, it’s the work of gawd’s insurgent?

Greetings Scott,
I am so glad that you had a great time. I am glad that I was able to make you laugh so you could put a smile on your face.

May you continue to be blessed by The Lord Christ.


Hello Brother Christopher, it is me your former lover Miguel. It has been several years since we last talked, but I do miss painting your face white with my loads. I would love to rub my hairy body and legs against yours just once more. Call me. Miguel

Something to say?