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Archive for October 1st, 2007

Men’s Room Confidential

Posted by s.z. on October 1st, 2007

Good news, everyone!  Our friend Dr. Mike has written another of his patented “snappy answers to stupid liberals” columns!

You know, the pieces he writes after having spent all night thinking up a devastating response to some offhand remark that the janitor made to him the day before.  These columns are notable for featuring a clueless hippie/peacenik-type who arouses Dr Mike’s wrath by saying something really dumb.  The cast of characters also includes at least one ED-inducing lesbian feminist, as well as a Hollywood starlet whom Dr. Mike claims to have the hots for, as proof that he is a normal heterosexual male who really isn’t repulsed by icky old girls (interestingly enough, Pastor Doug Giles uses the same technique). 

However, to buy into this week’s column, “My Constitutional Right to be Loved,” you have to accept the premise that not only do Dr. Mike’s fellow professors talk to him outside of required faculty meetings, but they also want to discuss topics like abortion with him.  In the men’s room!  While he’s peeing! 

Anyway, here’s the column’s set-up — see how much of it you believe:

Dear Fellow UNC-Wilmington Professor:

I want to take a few minutes to thank you for sharing your views on abortion while I was urinating in the men’s restroom at our place of employment. I didn’t mind learning that your support for abortion is predicated on your belief that every child in America has a “constitutional right to be loved.” But I did mind that you tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention while I was facing in the other direction with my pants unzipped. Try your best to keep your hands off me the next time you see me in a public restroom unless, of course, you plan to run for the United States Senate.

So, there was Dr. Mike, talking a whiz in the Executive Professors Little Boy’s Room, studiously facing away from all the other men so he wouldn’t even seem to be looking at their equipment, when another professor tapped him on the shoulder to say something that a liberal in Chick tract would say, if Chick was doing a comic book based on Dr. Mike’s life (which I think would be a really cool idea, and they should both get on it).  Personally, I believe it happened just like Dr. Mike says.  Seriously. 


Well, I would believe it, if only we could also take this portion of Dr. Mike’s column seriously too:

I should be killed by a feminist the next time I see a feminist from the Women’s Resource Center showing students how to put a condom on a cucumber.

Anyway, I’ll let Dr. Mike have the (almost) last word, because he’s clearly spent a lot of time ruminating about his bathroom encounter with the touchy-feely liberal with the strong, manly grip:

Many of my readers are wondering how a tenured professor could accrue a level of intellectual arrogance severe enough to produce a belief that he may, a) invent constitutional rights, b) enforce them via the death penalty, c) remedy the constitutional violation by the murder of the person (note: the professor admitted that the fetus was a “child”) whose rights were violated, and d) allow the killing to actually be ordered by the perpetrator.

Fortunately for my readers, I will address the origins of such arrogance in my next column. I strongly feel like I have a right for you to read it. If you choose not to, feel free to kill me.

Thanks, Dr. Mike, but it’s the people who DO read your columns to whom you should be extending that offer.