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Good news, everyone!  Our friend Dr. Mike has written another of his patented “snappy answers to stupid liberals” columns!

You know, the pieces he writes after having spent all night thinking up a devastating response to some offhand remark that the janitor made to him the day before.  These columns are notable for featuring a clueless hippie/peacenik-type who arouses Dr Mike’s wrath by saying something really dumb.  The cast of characters also includes at least one ED-inducing lesbian feminist, as well as a Hollywood starlet whom Dr. Mike claims to have the hots for, as proof that he is a normal heterosexual male who really isn’t repulsed by icky old girls (interestingly enough, Pastor Doug Giles uses the same technique). 

However, to buy into this week’s column, “My Constitutional Right to be Loved,” you have to accept the premise that not only do Dr. Mike’s fellow professors talk to him outside of required faculty meetings, but they also want to discuss topics like abortion with him.  In the men’s room!  While he’s peeing! 

Anyway, here’s the column’s set-up — see how much of it you believe:

Dear Fellow UNC-Wilmington Professor:

I want to take a few minutes to thank you for sharing your views on abortion while I was urinating in the men’s restroom at our place of employment. I didn’t mind learning that your support for abortion is predicated on your belief that every child in America has a “constitutional right to be loved.” But I did mind that you tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention while I was facing in the other direction with my pants unzipped. Try your best to keep your hands off me the next time you see me in a public restroom unless, of course, you plan to run for the United States Senate.

So, there was Dr. Mike, talking a whiz in the Executive Professors Little Boy’s Room, studiously facing away from all the other men so he wouldn’t even seem to be looking at their equipment, when another professor tapped him on the shoulder to say something that a liberal in Chick tract would say, if Chick was doing a comic book based on Dr. Mike’s life (which I think would be a really cool idea, and they should both get on it).  Personally, I believe it happened just like Dr. Mike says.  Seriously. 

PSYCH!

Well, I would believe it, if only we could also take this portion of Dr. Mike’s column seriously too:

I should be killed by a feminist the next time I see a feminist from the Women’s Resource Center showing students how to put a condom on a cucumber.

Anyway, I’ll let Dr. Mike have the (almost) last word, because he’s clearly spent a lot of time ruminating about his bathroom encounter with the touchy-feely liberal with the strong, manly grip:

Many of my readers are wondering how a tenured professor could accrue a level of intellectual arrogance severe enough to produce a belief that he may, a) invent constitutional rights, b) enforce them via the death penalty, c) remedy the constitutional violation by the murder of the person (note: the professor admitted that the fetus was a “child”) whose rights were violated, and d) allow the killing to actually be ordered by the perpetrator.

Fortunately for my readers, I will address the origins of such arrogance in my next column. I strongly feel like I have a right for you to read it. If you choose not to, feel free to kill me.

Thanks, Dr. Mike, but it’s the people who DO read your columns to whom you should be extending that offer.

23 Responses to “Men’s Room Confidential”

Try your best to keep your hands off me the next time you see me in a public restroom unless, of course, you plan to run for the United States Senate AS A REPUBLICAN.

Fixed.

Many of my readers are wondering how a tenured professor could accrue a level of intellectual arrogance severe enough to produce a belief that he may, a) invent constitutional rights, b) enforce them via the death penalty, c) remedy the constitutional violation by the murder of the person (note: the professor admitted that the fetus was a “child”) whose rights were violated, and d) allow the killing to actually be ordered by the perpetrator.

Did this make sense to anyone?

So children don’t deserve to be loved? What? Anyway I think a Jack Chick graphic novel based on Mike would be sweet! Finally a hero for our generation, who speaks for the silent majority, those oppressed college republicans yearning for a voice to speak truth to power.

Man, the more I think about it, the more I want it to happen for real.

Shorter Dr. Mike: “It’s okay to fondle me while I’m peeing as long as you hate those baby-killing liberals.”

Clif, thank you. Tab all over my screen.

It might be largely pointless to explain this to Dr Mike, but the gentleman did not admit that fetuses were children. Obviously one does not abort a fetus one loves, so if there is a constitutional right to be loved we’re going to have to stop women who don’t want children from getting pregnant. Which is a good idea and I suspect the other women who don’t want to get pregnant would entirely agree with me. Oddly, Dr Mike doesn’t, in that he’s opposed to condom usage and discussions of, let alone availability of, ways to stop getting pregnant. (Incidentally, we’d probably have to start locking up men who look like they might commit rape against women who don’t want to get pregnant with a rapist’s child, since that’s the only way to stop all women who don’t want a child from getting pregnant.)

What his ephemeral colleague admitted was that children have a right to be loved, so we can assume that means we shouldn’t go around aborting children, which isn’t possible anyway. It’s by definition murder, which is different. Dr Mike and anyone else may feel differently about these definitions, but no one else gets to define what the alleged colleague meant by “child” and “fetus” and “abort”.

Otherwise, I get to define what Dr Mike means by “child” and “fetus” and “abort” and also, just for fun, “heterosexual” and “qualified professor”. Fair’s fair.

If you choose not to, feel free to kill me.

well, as a good liberal I’d prolly feel bad about since you’re outside the womb, but there’s always the exception that proves the rule

Oh admit it Mike, you’re just mad because the professor grinned with pleasure when you pissed all over yourself after he tapped your shoulder. So you figure you’ll get him good in your column.

Hint to Mike: He’s in his office laughing like hell with all the other tenured professors while reading your nonsensical diatribe.

Surely, the university keeps him on simply for entertainment value and as a teaching tool about how stupid wingnuts really are.

(snerk)

Kate - you said “tool”.

heh-heh. heh-heh-heh.

Dr. Not-Mike

I need my eyes to stop burning for a second.

First, Dr. Mike, were you in a wide stance when you wrote this? Perhaps bent over a little, playing with a loofah falafel?

Idiot! Your protagonist wasn’t talking about “foetuses being children being loved” he was talking about actual babies being born and loved.

And guess what? There’s some circumstantial evidence that’s occured!

With all the millions of abortions that have been performed since 1970, you’d *think* the US birth rate would have tumbled desperately.

Uh uh. Ain’t budged an inch, up or downward.

So what does that mean? It means that abortion has merely delayed the birth of babies to times more convenient, appropriate, and economically feasible for the mother to raise AND LOVE THEM!

What do you have to say about that, Mr Right To Lifer? What about all those babies you’d kill by banning abortions?

The cucumber is always bigger than Mikey.

Can I tell you something?

There’s something about Republicans and public restrooms. I mean, all kinds of crazy shit seems to go on for them there that I have never ever even come close to. It’s weird.

Um, how do I say this… oh, yeah: WTF?

I suddenly feel like my coffee didn’t work. Reading Dr. Mike’s blather stuns me into a fully decaf world. And I don’t like it.

I don’t understand it, but I know I don’t like it.

No, Sadly, I do understand it: Dr. Mike is a seriously addled fucktard.

So is the Vienna sausage, Hysterical Woman.

hysterical woman, the best girl won. You were the first to say that the size of the cucumber employed for teaching purposes not only makes Dr. Mike feel diminished, but all hot and bothered.

Why, some of us ladies lie down and relax with iced cucumber SLICES on our eyelids! Perhaps he should try that.

Not because we care about Dr. Mike, but because it’s impossible to enjoy cucumber nirvana and type at the same time.

I suspect the critical and missing part of Herr Doktor Professor Mike’s story is the lead-up. I envision a discussion already in progress in the men’s room, in which Mr. Fellow Professor is beating the rhetorical snot out of Mikey. Adams decides in the midst of the beat-down that his bladder has grown larger and apparently weaker, and so retreats to the urinal. But he can’t resist muttering replies in the direction of the wall, leading Mr. FP to tap him on the shoulder and ask whatinhell he’s going on about that he can’t say to FP’s face.

So if I said I support the use of condoms — because every child deserves to be loved — then Dr. Mike would say I’m admitting sperm are children.

There is an expression in French which describes the situation of thinking of a biting riposte only too late, on your way out of the room - l’espirit de l’escalier - spirit of the staircase, or staircase wit. Dr. Mike seems to suffer from it rather a lot.

He does, doesn’t he? Why he almost beat up a guy who smarted off to his wife.
Half way home, he said, I should have beat that guy up.

but because it’s impossible to enjoy cucumber nirvana and type at the same time.

but as we’ve seen from his collected works, he still tries valiantly

I suspect he’s doing something else with the cuke.

Holy shit, this article is one layer after another of lunacy. He uses an unverifiable encounter with an unidentified faculty member to create an unsupported argument about the undocumented rights of the unborn. Then, to add the cherry to the top of the crazy sundae, he makes a joke about the right to use double negatives. For all we know, he pulled this encounter out of one of his homoerotic Republican toilet fantasies. No wonder UNC wants to deep six this dickwad, if this is a representative of his rhetorical skills (never mind he can’t seem to be bothered to produce any academic papers).

I’ve got a better comeback for that liberal professor, Dr Mike:
“The jerk store called and they’re running out of you.”

Also, if every cucumber has a constitutional right to be loved, can we get a video clip…?

I suspect that one day, they’ll find Dr. Mike in a situation like this. And, ew.

Something to say?