. . . Or maybe the Goddess of Irony.
In any case, here’s Kaye Grogan, with the ultimatum given to her by English Teachers Global:
Okay it’s official � I hope! It has taken 200 plus years for English to become America’s official language. Maybe we missed something here. Did another boat come in behind the Mayflower with people speaking in unknown tongues?
Um, Kaye, there were lots of boats that came to America behind the Mayflower, and many of them contained people who spoke in such unknown tongues as Dutch, French, Spanish, etc. And there were boats that came BEFORE the Mayflower, some carrying people who spoke the unknown tongue of the Vikings. And there were people who lived here even before that, and they spoke in various unknown native American tongues! So, I guess you did miss something. Maybe you should go back to school or something.
But hey, I shouldn’t be ragging on Kaye for lack of historical knowledge and/or her faulty use of logic, when the message of her column is that a mastery of the English language should be a requirement of American citizenship.
So, read on as Kaye shows how it’s done:
Since when does a nation who taught their children to speak English fluently need to verify and have a vote in the Senate to make the language official? Only in America! . . .can these bizarre things keep happening.
Obviously, Kaye didn’t come from a nation which taught its children to write English fluently. I’m guessing that she actually hails from one of those fake American town that the Commies used to use to prepare sleeper agents to infiltrate the U.S. (And it was probably a fake town operated by the Bulgarians, or another one of the bottom tier Commie countries.)
According to some of the suggestions being proposed by our illustrious government � all illegal immigrants if they want to become legal citizens they are going to have to learn English, and forget about singing the National Anthem in Spanish. In other words, learn English or else! . . .or else what? I guess everyone not learning to speak English in a certain length of time will be sent to the back of the class. Then what? Heaven knows � deportation is out of the question!
Heaven said Kaye had plenty of time to learn English, and so it was okay to deport her. Seriously, I checked, and the heavenly hosts indicated that it was the only way to keep the rest of us safe from her sinful misuse of ellipses and such.
Anyway, this column contains a lot of other great stuff about how the 34 senators who voted against the “Official English Language Amendment” should be “recalled and ousted from office,” but I don’t want to bogart the Kaye. So, let’s just skip to the conclusion:
Hey! . . .you’re either for the American culture or you’re against it. You’re either an American in every true sense of the word or somewhere in-between � which translates into troublemakers.
Yeah! And if you don’t use the English language with a sufficient degree of fluency, you are clearly some kind of America-hater, and you should be sent to a Gitmo-like camp until the War on Bad English has been fought to a successful conclusion.
Oh, and if you speak a language other than English, even as a second language, then you are hardly an American in every true sense of the word. In fact, you are against the American culture. You are a troublemaker. In a word, you are a traitor, and should be shot!
I don’t know why Kaye didn’t take her argument to the proper conclusion — I guess her success as a wingnut has left her lazy, bloated, and complacent. (In this area, like so many others, Rush Limbaugh is a conservative role model.)
So, to inspire her, here are a couple of eager, new wingnuts. (And Kaye, they’re purportedly DEMOCRATS, proving that you Republicans can’t rest on your laurels if you want to make it today’s competitive field of wingnuttery.)
Alabama’s Democratic Party is distancing itself from two Democratic candidates for state office who think all illegal immigrants must leave or be killed.
Party officials described the platforms of candidates Larry Darby and Harry Lyon as ridiculous, unconstitutional and offensive. Darby is running for attorney general, and Lyon is a gubernatorial candidate.
Both agree the influx of illegal immigration into Alabama must be stopped, either through public hangings or martial law.
Lyon said if elected, he would sponsor a law to get all illegal immigrants out of the state within 90 days, or be hanged in public.
“It would only take five or 10 getting killed and broadcast on CNN for it to send a clear message to not set foot in Alabama,” said Lyon, a Pelham lawyer. “Anybody that breaks into my home is a threat to my life. I remember the Alamo.”
I’m guessing that he remembers the Alamo from personal experience, having fought illegal moon aliens there alongside Davy Crockett and Luke Skywalker.
Darby, though, said he would support Lyon in his election bid.
“If he’s willing to have public hangings of Mexicans, that sounds like he’s the right man for the job,” Darby said.
Darby is right! After all, Lyon has been endorsed by Michelle Malkin (or will be shortly).
Darby said if elected he would ask the governor to institute martial law to stop the influx of illegal immigrants into Alabama. If illegal immigrants attempt to evade law enforcement, they “should be shot on sight,” he said.
He said the number of Jews killed in World War II has been grossly exaggerated, and Jews must leave if the United States is to save itself.
“It would be good for Iran to blow Israel off the map,” he said.
Darby, who recently spoke to a group in New Jersey whose focus is to promote equal rights for whites, said the Democratic Party itself is racist because black lawmakers try to extort money from white candidates like himself.
It seems that Darby is the kind of candidate who can reach across party lines and find common cause with some of the state’s Republican voters — and yet Darby’s Democratic opponent has the nerve to call Darby “a crackpot trying to get some publicity.” I bet the opponent is just saying that because he’s prejudiced against white people.
Anyway, I urge Kaye to hit the campaign trail in Alabama — she could base her platform on the promise of weekly hangings of everyone who speaks a foreign language, with the spectacles being broadcast on Fox News. Plus, free punctuation marks for all!
But if she doesn’t run for office, I think it will prove that she’s not an American in the true sense of the word, and is against the culture. (And we already know that she’s against the language.)
UPDATE:
We see that Sadly, Brad! has also blogged about Kaye’s column (and that his comments on it run parallel to ours in many ways).
This act of war leaves us with no other option but to steal Marie JonApostrophe, the Sweetheart of Sadly No!
So, enjoy this selection from Marie’s latest:
Let’s keep in mind that President Bush has accomplished many wonderful things in Iraq and Afghanistan. He has a good Christian heart. We have every reason to be proud of our president. He is a man with strong enduring convictions. He is the good guy.
We should continue to love our Commander-in-Chief who rises everyday to face the foes who continually try to undermine his every political achievement.
I think this was directed against Kaye, who would deport our President for his lack of English fluency, and against Brad, who has wavered in his love for George.