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Inspired by The Da Vinci Code, our old friend Professor Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D has been sifting the Constitution in search of the secret codicil to the Bill o’ Rights, those long-rumored, myth-shrouded “Asshole Amendments.”  And as it turns out — funny story — they were there all the time, right under a crumpled-up Burger King wrapper and Dr. Mike’s copy of The American Indoorsman’s Guide to Hunting Your Own House Pets.

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Not long ago, I was having a gathering of about eight people at my house. The last guy to show up walked right into my kitchen and then protested because he couldn’t find any bottled water in the refrigerator. Next, he complained that we ate all the snacks before he showed up thirty-five minutes late. When he finally came into the living room to sit down, he asked what we were talking about. I told him we were talking about economics, which involves not just demand but supply. I joked that he wouldn’t have to demand any bottled water and snacks if he’d remembered to supply some, too. That drew a laugh from one of our mutual friends.

I actually don’t know which part of this paragraph is hardest to believe — that Dr. Mike has friends, let along eight of them, or that anybody actually laughed at that joke.  To be fair, the part about him being a dick to one of his guests is probably true, and he never does actually claim that the “gathering of eight people at my house” is made up of friends, or even people he’s ever met.  For all we know, it could be a home invasion, or a CSI team sampling his carpet fibers and testing those odd moisture stains on the basement floor.

Anyone watching the 2008 presidential race has doubtless seen a similar dynamic among supporters of Barack H. Obama. Most of his supporters have been talking about rights without any mention of the notion of responsibilities … For example, I have a 2nd Amendment Right to Bear Arms that the government cannot simply take away from me on a whim. But I also have a responsibility for everything that occurs between the time I discharge a bullet and the time the bullet comes to its final stopping point.

“Once it lodges in his liver, though, then it’s that damn Trick or Treater’s problem…Little bastard’ll think twice before he shows up on my doorstep wearing a mask…”

But aside from disowning his bullets once they leave the porch, Dr. Mike has been busy chatting with those smug feminists and patchouli-scented liberals that only he can see…

But consider the following list of “rights” that supporters of Obama have recently told me that we all have:

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Everyone has the right to a college education. I can’t imagine what it will be like as a college professor once Obama implements this one. I’ve been teaching to the occasional unqualified black and the occasional unqualified athlete for years.

I commend the chair of the UNC-Wilmington Criminology Department on her efficient use of resources.

Everyone has a right to breathe clean air. This is a really bad idea for the Obama campaign. If everyone starts to enforce his right to breathe clean air in the presence of swarthy young Muslims, Obama might lose an important part of his electoral base.

Hey, these are the jokes, people, come on!  If you want to be invited back to one of Dr. Professor Mike’s literary salons, you’re gonna have to keep up!  And bring your own snacks and bottled water.

Everyone has a right to demand that the rich pay taxes in proportion to their ability to pay taxes. … When someone says we have a right to tax the rich “in proportion to their ability to pay” they mean “tax them until they can no longer pay” or “tax them until they are bankrupt.” Many people who hold this view were not actually alive during the Carter Administration. But they have taken history classes from people who assure us that he was really not such a bad president.

At least he was better than that “dedicated, conscious agent of the communist conspiracy,” Eisenhower, who thought a 91% income tax bracket was perfectly reasonable.

Every gay man has a right to feel comfortable.

No, no, it’s “every gay woman has a right to comfortable shoes.”

I heard this one from a first-year law student at Yale. He actually informed me thrice that his right to be comfortable as a gay man trumps the First Amendment. I guess they don’t teach constitutional law until the second year of the Yale law program. But the question is: How did this sissy get into Yale Law School?

Well, I imagine his first step was to escape from your nightmare — you know the one, where you’re trapped all alone in a pink room with a six foot party sub?  After that, he would have had to somehow become flesh, and then do really well on the LSATS and write a killer essay.

After spending only a little time listening to followers of the Dali Bama I have concluded that, in Obama’s America, everyone gets to declare at least one new fundamental right regardless of whether it is written into the constitution. And so, naturally, I am going to declare first that I have a right to unlimited rights.

First, I believe that I have a right to demand that you show me a copy of the U.S. Constitution every time you demand a new right. And if you cannot identify the constitutional basis of your proposed right, you forfeit that right as well as your right to vote in 2008. And, of course, I get to cast the vote you forfeited.

Wow, if Dr. Professor Mike had only thought of this vote-multiplying scheme a year ago, just imagine how different the world would be today.  To start with, Sanjaya would have won American Idol!

So, those of you prone to simply announce fundamental rights without any constitutional basis should beware that this could soon deprive you of the right to vote. Until now, it’s only deprived of you the right to sound intelligent.

I can’t help it, I just think it’s so darn cute the way Dr. Mike addresses his columns to the very people who would never actually read them.  And I suspect it’s a technique he finds useful in the majority of his offline conversations as well.

23 Responses to “Professor, Would You Sign My Drop Slip?”

It’s so painfully obvious that all of his stories involving other human beings are fictional. One could almost feel sorry for him . . . until one reads this:

If everyone starts to enforce his right to breathe clean air in the presence of swarthy young Muslims, Obama might lose an important part of his electoral base.

What a hateful prick. And WTF is it he means by this, exactly? It’s obviously supposed to be a slam at swarthy young Muslims, but his actual point, if he has one at all, is unclear. Is he saying that swarthy young Muslims are opposed to breathing clean air?

Yeah, fucking prick. Anyone who’s this much of an asshole doesn’t deserve much sympathy.

“But the question is: How did this sissy get into Yale Law School?”

Dude, how can Dr. Mike call someone else a sissy? Maybe if he had some sense of self awareness he wouldn’t be such an utter creep.

“If everyone starts to enforce his right to breathe clean air in the presence of swarthy young Muslims, Obama might lose an important part of his electoral base.”

Candy, I think what he’s trying to say in that Dr. Mike sort of way is that “swarthy young Muslims” smell, just like Mexicans. It’s hilarious! Vagina Vagina!

No. He’s saying that they stink.

I can’t deal with Dr Mike this week. For a guy who goes around declaring his right to be “non-PC” all the time, by which he clearly means he has a right to be an asshole around others, this shit is way too rich. He’s like a drug lord whining about the needles on the streets.

Also, I have to say, you may not have a right to breathe clean air, but you sure as fuck have a right not to breathe polluted air, in the same way you have a right to walk through an airspace that does not contain Dr Mike’s flying bullets. Once chemicals leave a factory, a corporation is responsible for everything they do, including the point where they give someone cancer. Your right to own a factory, a car, a cigar does not include your right to harm others.

Is there anything in the Constitution that gives me the right to just pummel him senseless?
Actually, how much pummeling would that require?

C’mon, be nice. It’s an improvement — he’s actually taking responsibility for something, even if it’s for only the tiniest split of a second.

21st Amendment; I have the right to smoke whatever the fuck I want.

And he’s clearly saying niggers stink. Wait, I meant sand niggers.

In editor’s world, only medical doctors, dentists, veterinarians, and the like get the title “Doctor,” so I’ll skip the “Doctor Mike” thing, thank you very much. Besides, I’m sure this lot can think of much better honors to plop in front of his name.

Dr. Mike’s a PHD: Pretty Huge Dickhead.

Not long ago, I was having a gathering of about eight people at my house.

Dr. Mike isn’t quite sure how many “eight” is, hence the qualifier.

He really has gotten to the anger phase of the process of coming to terms with death, hasn’t he.

Dude. Speaking as a disembodied voice on the internets, you may geniunely feel that your cause is lost if someone isn’t gaming all three branches of government on your behalf, but self-respect really ought to make you hesitant to get so incontinently bitter about it in public.

Not long ago, I was having a gathering of about eight people at my house.

Dr. Mike isn’t quite sure how many “eight” is, hence the qualifier.

It’s hard to count that high, you know, so you round a bit.

The 9th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America:

“ The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. ”

Dr. Mike isn’t quite sure how many “eight” is, hence the qualifier.

in his case I think it’s more an admission of cannibalism, and should read “Not long ago, I was having a gathering and ate people at my house”

I was having a gathering of about eight people at my house.

This may seem odd at first, but, you see, Mike Adams is a strict constructionist when it comes to the Constitution.

At his house he had 9 visitors. 6 were white and 3 were black, for a total of 7.8 people.

For the record, Red, you may have the right to smoke whatever the fuck you want, but that is separate from the right to fucking exhale into anyone else’s airspace, which you may in fact not have. See how this works?

Hey, I didn’t say I had that right.

Too bad for “Doctor” Mike, but Dubya has already trumped him, with:

“I’m preznit, so I TAKE AWAY ALL YOUR RIGHTS. And off to Gitmo with ‘ya, bud.”

It’s sort of like a philosophical conundrum of immovable object vs. irresistable force, only with extra tard-tastic GOPer goodness.

How does a law professor not know about the ninth amendment?

I have to assume he does and he’s just being disingenuous and hoping his audience hasn’t read the constitution.

Everyone has the right to a college education. I can’t imagine what it will be like as a college professor once Obama implements this one.

Yeah, and just think how bad it would be for High School teachers if they had to teach any kid, no matter how unqualified! College kids are one thing, but can you imagine a High School that had to take every kid? It would be anarchy.

Actually, my sense is that Dr Mike actually wanted to be Little Joe Cartwright but was railroaded into college by a pathological need to please an uncompromising father (and a total lack of actual woodscraft or work ethic) and is now acting out by seeking to deny education to everyone because he feels his own has only made him an unwilling elitist and therefore miserable (when in fact it’s probably just that he’s an asshole).

What do I base this on? The same sort of psychology mojo that allows Dr Mike to diagnose latent lesbianism in every hippie chick who wouldn’t date him. Well, and, really, would Little Joe be caught anywhere near a canned hunt?

The sheer scope of this pud’s assholery blocks me from reading his columns in real life. I regret that Scott and SZ (who?) have to wade through them for my amusement.

Dr. Mike:

Everyone has a right to demand that the rich pay taxes in proportion to their ability to pay taxes. … When someone says we have a right to tax the rich “in proportion to their ability to pay” they mean “tax them until they can no longer pay” or “tax them until they are bankrupt.” Many people who hold this view were not actually alive during the Carter Administration. But they have taken history classes from people who assure us that he was really not such a bad president.

Jesus of Nazareth, Lord and Savior of Christians worldwide:

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

Why does Dr. Mike hate Jesus? Is Dr. Mike the antichrist?

Just like Dr Mike’s imaginary friend I am late to the party and I have demands!

“But I also have a responsibility for everything that occurs between the time I discharge a bullet and the time the bullet comes to its final stopping point.”

So Dr Mike’s only responsibility is measured in milliseconds and is limited causing holes in anything in the path of the discharged bullet, but not the final hole?

Bystander: “WTF, Dr Mike?!! I’m all for you shooting an alternative lifestyler but couldn’t you have waited for my six year-old daughter to get out of the way first? “

Dr Mike: “Sorry dude but I’m only responsible for the holes in your kid’s cranium, not the consequences. But hey, here’s five bucks for some wood-putty; that should fix her right up and absolve me of any further obligations. It’s a constitutional issue. Don’t even think of suing, I’m a law professor and besides your daughter was at risk from being turned into a lesbian.”

Something to say?