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Shorter Jonah: Pastor Jeremiah Wright’s skin tone of voice makes me uncomfortable.

Thanks to the pinched nerve (which is getting a bit better, thanks for asking), I’ve been falling behind on my wingnuttery, so today I sat down with a bowl of Quisp and a mug of Ovaltine and pored over Jonah’s LA Times column from yesterday, in which he established the objectives Obama’s speech must meet if it was to be considered a success. But Jonah’s expectations were not unreasonable, and he took care not to set the bar too high:

Barack Obama will reportedly give a major speech this morning at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia, addressing the controversy about his extremist pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr.

Obama needs to do two things. First, he needs to make it incandescently clear that Wright doesn’t speak for him in any meaningful way. If he won’t do that, his campaign is a fraud and he is not qualified to be president.

Also, and I’m paraphrasing here, since Obama aspires to be a “post-racial” candidate, he must rip open his crisp white dress shirt and reveal the solid state electronics concealed behind his factory-made abdominals, or forfeit all trans-human credibility.

Second, he needs to explain to black America why Wright’s views are so poisonous.

Because black America plainly seems unable to grasp the problem when white people point it out — even when they go to the trouble of prefacing their explanations with compliments on one’s bling, or solicitous inquiries about who may have been careless with the gate latch, thus allowing one’s dogs to roam free.

By now, if you’ve paid any attention at all, you’ve read the quotes and seen the video clips of Wright at the pulpit…He suggested that America had it coming on 9/11.

Much as I hate to admit it, Jonah makes a fair point. The reverend is condemned by his own words:

The ACLU’s got to take a lot of blame for this…And, I know that I’ll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen’.

Talk about blaming the victim. I agree, it’s not enough that Obama denounce, even “incandescently” denounce Wright. The pastor should be exiled to U.S. warships and held incommunicado for the rest of his life like Philip Nolan, never again to set foot on U.S. soil, or even to read or hear the word “America.”

Oh wait. Sorry. Got the wrong pastor.

Obama and his surrogates are denouncing attempts to link the candidate and the views of his pastor and mentor.

“But they’re as tightly entwined as the liberals of today are with the Fascists of 80 years ago, and as Tony Snow would say, it’s only logical to tar these babies with the same brush.”

More implausibly, Obama claimed that he’d never heard his mentor say anything of the sort, in public or private.

Obama has been a member of Chicago’s Trinity United Church of Christ for 20 years. Wright baptized Obama’s daughters; he officiated at Obama’s wedding. The title of Obama’s career-making book “The Audacity of Hope” is from a Wright sermon. Wright worked with Obama as a community organizer. Saying you were out back catching a smoke during one sermon or another won’t cut it.

Although it did seem to work for Vice President George Bush during the Iran-Contra scandal.

The issue isn’t what Obama sat through, but what he stands for.

Okay, that’s fair. The real issue isn’t what Obama may have heard, but what he’s said.  After all, Wright is only a bystander.  It’s incumbent upon us as informed voters to focus on Obama’s views – his policies, his convictions, his vision for the future –

Even Wright’s tone is poisonous.

– or not.

Obama righteously deplores “divisiveness.” And yet he literally worships at the altar of division.

I tried that once, but had to give up. The tithing involved too much math.

He wants to transcend race, but his black nationalist church and his liberation theology pastor consider race permanent and central issues.

“Look, you got a whole history month to brag about the guy who invented peanut butter! Alternate side of the street parking regulations are suspended on Martin Luther King’s birthday! We even let Clarence Thomas marry a white woman! What do you people want?!

A 2005 study by the Rand Corp. and the University of Oregon found that nearly half of African Americans say they believe that HIV is man-made. More than 25% think that it’s a government invention, and one in eight say it was created and spread by the CIA. Just over half believe that the government is purposely keeping a cure from reaching the poor.

And please, spare me the rationalization that blacks have reason to be conspiratorial.

Wait, blacks are conspiring to spread man-made HIV to the poor? Wow. I bet they were behind the Tuskegee Experiment too! Suddenly it all makes sense!

In the 2005 issue of Social Science Quarterly, Sharon Parsons and William Simmons tried to explain why conspiracy theories like these persist in the black community. Part of the answer, they concluded, is that black politicians have no interest in dispelling them. Paging Sen. Obama!

So in addition to shaking hands, giving stump speeches, and participating in debates, a candidate for president (if he’s black) is also required to run around the country debunking urban legends. Because if black people vote for for an African-American because they think the government is, say, disproportionately punishing black people for drug crimes, then before you know it, otherwise rational white people might vote for an outsider because of wild rumors about government tapping the phones and reading the emails of ordinary citizens.

If he wants to be taken seriously as a candidate for the highest office in the land, then Obama better get his Snopes on.

Obama preaches unity. Well, real unity requires real truth-telling and the ability to tell right from wrong…

Which, as Jonah would point out, isn’t nearly as much fun as TPing the neighborhood with Talking Points, then sneaking downstairs to eat all the Früsen Gladje.

…and Wright from right.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, explains why Jonah is a columnist for a major American newspaper.  You don’t get that kind of writing from some obscure blogger whose only claim to fame is a laptop and a mother who never blew John Mitchell in the White House pantry.

I, for one, have no interest in being united with Wright or anyone who insists that America is an evil, racist, damnable nation bent on murdering black people — and I suspect neither will many general election voters.

I guess it’s lucky for us, then, that Wright isn’t running for office.

Obama’s power base is made up of black voters and the upscale left-wingers who condescend to them.

Yeah, yeah, the New Yorker may say it’s not for “the little old lady from Dubuque,” but that’s a load of crap. After Obama won Iowa it became obvious that the entire Quad Cities is infested with Regency fops who swan about the place sipping Typhoo, scrutinizing lepidopterans through a monocle, and condescendingly casting ballots for mulattoes.

Well, it is time he spoke truth to that power. If the eloquent, self-proclaimed truth-teller and would-be first black president can’t manage that, he should go straight from would-be to never was.

So there you have it: If Obama ever hopes to prove himself morally fit for the highest office in the land, he needs to throw down with Eustace Tilly.

24 Responses to “Jonah Goldberg: Free, White, And Over 21 (I.Q.)”

Okay, I was completely nauseated by the end of Jonah’s Mashed Rationalization Casserole With Canned Xenophobia Garnish, but it’s probably fair to blame this week’s clusters for at least half of that.

Ugh. No, really. Ugh. Is there actually a person in this world who voluntarily committed to listening to this verbal porridge till death do them part? And how often does she pray for death? And his or hers? ‘Cause that shit’s just depressing. I mean, my partner’s no great conversationalist either, but at least I get some genuine humor out of the deal. (Really, I cannot for the life of me imagine marrying someone so fundamentally ungenerous of outlook.)

I used to have sort of a soft spot for Jonah because I thought he could be something better than he appears to be at the moment, but if he’s not even going to try why should I?


Glad you’re feeling better, Scott. And not just because it means a resumption of my free entertainment.

The funny thing about all this is that the more the wingnuts try to convince people that Obama and his pastor are one and the same, the more it becomes impossible to claim he’s a secret Muslim sleeper agent. It really is hard to keep all your smears aligned.

If only there were some way to state:
Like other nations, the USA has done “bad things”, and that some “other bad things” which happen here, are, in a very real way, consequences of the “bad things”, without jumping up and down on a flag while screaming “You had it coming bitches!”
If only that were possible. But it’s not.

Like this, Monkay?

“We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back into our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.”

How’s that pinched nerve doing???

You can still get Quisp in your area? I am soooooo envious. Can you still get cinnamon Quisp as well?

Jonah is such a . . . well, most all the good descriptions have been well and truly exploited. The essential truth will never grow old, though; Jonah is the Eternal Pantload, the Pantloadiest Pantload that e’er walked the earth.

Doughy is the perfect example of the Banality of Evil. He sickens me…like bland un-cooked pastry.



America supported state sanctioned terrorism against black South Africans? Wow. Can’t remember seeing the Yanks around here at the time. Pretty sneaky.

No really, this is the first I’ve heard of it. I find it difficult to equate blind support of Israel to the sanctions imposed by a US-led UN for more than a decade on this spiffy corner of the continent.

Stefan: Apparently your monitor is too fuzzy for inverted commas to be legible.

Sir: no true Regency fop would drink Typhoo. Typhoo is a grotesque blend of the sweepings of the warehouse floor, and what’s more it’s sold in teabags. We fops drink Orange Pekoe, made in a teapot as God intended.

Glad you’re feeling better, Scott.

I’d just like to point out that if there’s one person who should be forced to sit through hours of “rationalizations” of African-American belief systems it’s Jonah. Not that it would do any good, of course.

I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to cancel my subscription to the Des Moines Register. This morning I turned to the editorial page to see a blurb from and a picture of the Doughy Pantload himself. His pasty visage has never, to my recollection, disgraced those pages before. And lo and behold, an editorial cartoon from the one and only Michael Ramirez, wingnut deluxe, missing from the opinion section for months. I had so hoped he was gone for good.

I know it’s difficult to find wingnuts smart enough to write coherent – if more than a little insane – columns, so I shudder and bear it when Cal the Foul Thomas or The Krauthammer appear in those pages. But the Doughy Pantload? I hope this isn’t some opening move to start printing his disgusting oeuvre on a regular basis. Put me off my raisin bran, it did.

Quisp? QUISP!?! Then you, sir, are my sworn enemy. I pledged my allegience to Quake around 1966 and that allegience shall not be shaken by Quake’s absence of the past four decades or so. Quake, unlike the South, will rise again!


As always, the question with Jonah-da-whale is how much of this is stupidity and how much of it is dishonesty. I always thought it was mendacity, but he becomes more incoherent all the time. I think he really is that stupid.

I pledged my allegience to Quake

Yes, but which version? The heavy-set, blue collar, hard-hatted original, or the slim, effete, Queer Eye for the Quake Guy successor?

The hard-hatted original rather than the cowboy. Much like my preferred Village Person. Fictional construction workers are hot.

I tried that once, but had to give up. The tithing involved too much math.

Scott, will you have my babies?

These are the times of miracles and wonders. The complete ignorance of this nation is beyond ludicrous. “… speak truth to power…” WTF!!! That’s what got this pastor in all the hot water to begin with. Ignorant people do not like to hear that their beloved US is anything but “the greatest civilization evah.”
Go on, enjoy your Quake and Quisp, but you will have to pardon me while I go to the garage and apply a power drill to each temple.

HOLY SHIT Jonah is an ugly person with an ugly soul. I know it’s not a particularly witty or clever observation, but goddamn. This is just horrible. And what’s more horrible is that this kind of crud will just be ramped up more and more when Obama gets the nomination. Augh.

You know, I’d agree with you, but I’m a typical white person, so therefor uniquely unqualified to speak on matters of race, since clearly I’m a bigot.

Goldberg’s beneath contempt, but your caption prompts a thought. In 1968 the Soft Machine did two US tours supporting Jimi Hendrix, and Robert Wyatt wrote of his observations of police violence in his inimitable prosaic fashion.


If I were black
and I lived here
I’d want to be
a big man in the FBI
or the CIA
but as I’m not
and of course I don’t
and as I’m free, white and 21
I don’t need more power
than I’ve got
except for sometimes
when I’m broke

“Obama’s power base is made up of black voters and the upscale left-wingers who condescend to them.”

Actually, Obama’s power base is made up of people of all ethnicities who want a candidate who was right about the war from day one.

Funny how the Pantload is always telling us how conservatives are “color blind” on race – untile he finds an excuse to use race as a club to bash Democrats.

Tara -

Funny how the Pantload is always telling us how conservatives are “color blind” on race – untile he finds an excuse to use race as a club to bash Democrats.

It’s normally called “projection”, but Doughbob Loadpants can only “project” as far as his keyboard.

Oh Gods, I just gave myself a horrible visual image. Clorox, meet brain…

This morning, I was put smartly in my place when I started to voice my opinion upon the monster truck driven by the man ahead of me in traffic. He had a whole bunch of gun-related stickers, as well as a “Sons of Confederate Veterans” Virginia license plate, and stickers from various organizations promising to PROTECT OUR HERITAGE.

“White supremacist,” I mused.

“Mo-om,” snorted my eighteen-year-old. “I’m afraid I know a lot more about race now than you do. A lot more. I know a whole bunch of people who don’t like black people. They don’t seem to mind Jews so much–at least that’s what they say to me–but they really don’t like black people.”

And as I dropped him off at his school, it was enormously depressing to realize that he’s probably right.

Something to say?