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If you’re in the mood for a thought-provoking Veterans Day post, may I suggest these stark, elegiac, and heterodox musings from the inimitable Doghouse Riley.  Any elaboration on my part would merely be texture-coating the lily, so instead, let me turn from the wind-blown poppies of Flanders fields to the trenches of Townhall, and hark as the Frappacino-stained soldiers of the War of Ideas pause to salute the living and honor the dead…

We begin with an oral history of the Greatest Generation, entitled, “The Battle of the Crabby Old Men with Short Attention Spans: Burt Prelutsky vs. Grandpa Simpson

Burt: 

Still and all, there are a number of mysteries even I can’t figure out. For example, why doesn’t everyone love dogs? I’m not saying I hold dogs dearer than my wife and friends, but, on average, I like strange dogs better than I like strange people. For one thing, they’re friendlier. For another, none of them will be voting for Hillary Clinton.

Another thing that confounds me on a regular basis is when American blacks insist that whites are racist. After all, I don’t see whites marching in the streets every time some white thug is arrested. But the only reason that blacks ever demonstrate is to indicate solidarity with the likes of Rodney King, O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick or the punks known as the Jena Six.

That brings us to coffee … Recently, having to kill some time between appointments, I stopped at a Starbuck’s. Frankly, I was shocked at the prices they were asking for what is essentially colored water. I ordered either a grande, a gargantuan or a humongous, but it was, needless to say, the smallest size they had. Still, I got very little change for my five dollar bill.

Abe:

You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and… hey! Where are you going?
… Anyway, about my washtub. I’d just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as… a walking bird. We’d always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we’d all watch football, which in those days was called “baseball”…
… Eh, why didn’t you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I’m thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There’re sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president isn’t Democrat! Hello? I can’t unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? [honks car horn] There are too many leaves in your walkway…

Well you’re really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Burn had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges…
… and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning I resigned my commission with the coastguard. The next thing I knew there was civil war in Spain…
… and, that’s everything which happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call…

Three wars back we called Sauerkraut “liberty cabbage” and we called liberty cabbage “super slaw” and back then a suitcase was known as a “Swedish lunch box.” Of course, nobody knew that but me. Anyway, long story short… is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling…

Next, Suzanne Fields (who, in my humble opinion, has never topped her performance in Flesh Gordon):

Nearly 20 years ago, the Berlin Wall finally came tumbling down. If Humpty Dumpty had been foolish enough to sit on it, that’s where he would have had his fatal fall.

And if he’d been foolish enough to sit on a levee during Hurricane Katrina, he would have had his fall there, and gotten wet.  Whereas if he’d been smart enough to sit on the structurally stable Great Wall of China, he would have been forced to jump, which would have made it much harder to get the insurance company to pay off.

It was a defining moment for mankind, exposing the ultimate failure of the brutal and goofy Marxist economic system.

As many East Berliners were heard to remark during the heyday of the Democratic German Republic, “You know what bothers me most about the regime?  It’s not the privation or oppression, the total absence of civil liberties, the choking atmosphere of suspicion and paranoia, or the constant threat of arbitrary arrest and execution.  It’s just…the whole place is so darn goofy!”

Professor Dr. Mike Adams:  John Browning Day

For the record, I am opposed to Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a national holiday in the month of January or, for that matter, any other month.

For the record, I’m not exactly flabbergasted.

It isn’t that I oppose a national holiday celebrating the legacy of America’s greatest civil rights leader. I just don’t believe that King was our greatest civil rights leader. I believe that distinction belongs to John Browning.

The militant abolitionist?  Well, that’s sort of in keeping with the civil rights theme of the day, but I hardly think he’s more deserving than Martin Luther — Oh wait.

Since John Moses Browning was born on January 23rd, 1855, it will be easy to make the transition from a Martin King to a John Browning national holiday. And it will be educational, too. Many gun owners are unaware that Browning sold 44 guns to Winchester including the Model 94 level action repeater. Guns based on the Model 94 design and chambered in 30-30 have probably killed more deer in North America than any other model before or since.

Free at last, free at last, thank God I’m free at last to gun down free-range ungulates on an industrial scale and strap them to the roof of my Chevy Suburban!

Few Colt owners have had a chance to shoot the .30 and .50 caliber machine guns or 37-mm aircraft cannon.

But those who have will tell you quite frankly that it kicks passive resistance in the nads!

Today’s “civil rights” movement has become a disgrace largely because it is based on the idea that people are entitled to things they did not earn through the fruits of their own labor.

How many of those crybabies who were unlawfully struck from the voter rolls in Florida in 2000 actually put quill to paper and wrote the 14th Amendment?!  Huh?  I didn’t think so…

Dr. King was a success largely because he relied on the ideas of his predecessors. And, indeed, his reliance on the teachings of Jesus and Gandhi were responsible for stopping a lot of unnecessary bloodshed. But Browning was a true innovator. Indeed, when Winchester was insisting that his first shotguns should be of lever action design, Browning was pushing hard for the mass production of his pump action design.

Remember kids, the auto-loading shotgun beats Jesus every time.  Think about that the next time you’re playing Quake and uncertain about which one to pick up.

It should go without saying that the fully automatic weapons of John Browning helped to win World War I. Years later the Associated Press would reveal that Browning accepted $750,000 from the government for his inventions and time combined. Had he charged the government the standard royalty rate he would have earned over $12,700,000. How long has it been since an American civil rights leader placed his country’s interests above his own financial well-being?

And when we recall that Dr. King sold the movie rights to Letter From Birmingham Jail for a cool million to Universal Pictures (which adapted it into the 1969 Don Knotts vehicle, The Love God?), it’s not too hard to see who’s occupying the moral high ground here.

Dr. Adams will speak at Bucknell University on Thursday November 15th, at 7 p.m. in the Olin Science Lecture Hall, room 268.

Following the presentation, Dr. Adams will be mobbed outside Olin Hall by angry feminists, dogmatic liberal academics, and ugly lesbians, who will verbally assault him with straight lines that he will greet with devastating and witty ripostes later in the evening as he masturbates back in his motel room.

Doug Giles:  Hillary Will Kill Your Cat

I’m tanked. I’ve had enough. I’m gonna vomit.

Stop reading your archives.

I’ve already had enough of Hillary. I’m sick of seeing that chick.

I’m totally gonna break up with her in a text. 

Forget her communistic bent, her virulent anti-Americanisms and her anti-Christian crapola.

Oh, she’s a communist now?  I thought the problem was that she made too much money in cattle futures and shady real estate deals.  And I’d be genuinely interested in seeing a litany of her “anti-Christian crapola,” because from all appearances, Doug, she spends more time in Church than you do.  And you work there.

She’s become the OJ of DC to me (i.e. way too much of her mug and machinations on my TV) … The OJ comparison was a bad analogy though, eh? 

Actually, it was above average, for you.  But since your ear for analogies and metaphors has been lovingly hand-hammered from the finest Bolivian tin, there’s got to be a “joke” coming…

There were only two people who died around The Juice. I believe the Clintons have around 40 plus and counting who have mysteriously dropped dead around them. Anyway, back to my angst with Hillary.

I’ve just been handed a note…George W. Bush would like us to remind our readers that he’s still officially in the lead with a confirmed body count of 3859 Americans and an estimated 655,000 dead Iraqis.

Yes, Ms. Clinton has been an uninvited guest in my life for far too long. I cannot imagine having to stomach her and her blah blah blah for another decade. Another %$#@&% decade?!? Argh! Please God . . . don’t let it happen! I swear I’ll be good . . . I wont cuss anymore . . . I’ll up my tithe. C’mon Yahweh. Show some love.

I’ve just been handed a note from God…He would like us to remind Doug that you get love when you give love.  Also, that He’s not fooled by the random-symbols-in-place-of-profanity thing, and He’d really like it if Doug would stop taking His name in vain, because it sets a bad example for Doug’s flock at Our Lady of No Services Today Because An Herbalife Conference Has Booked The Room.

Seriously, I experience physical pain when I see her. Yep, when she queues up and starts her soulless, monotonous monologues about how she wants to trash our nation like Mickey Rourke is doing his liver, I get that same feeling that I had the other day after I ate that last bean burrito that had been under a heat lamp for 37 hours at the Chevron gas station.

Fortunately, Doug doesn’t believe in evolution, so he knows that salmonella is just a myth pushed by the refrigeration lobby.

Having said that, I really don’t want to see Bill again unless it’s at an anti-Hillary rally after he’s been freshly divorced from Rodham, he and Monica have gotten back together, and he’s smoking a big fat stogie down here on Lincoln Road.

I understand why Doug calls it “a big fat stogie,” but I don’t quite get “Lincoln Road.”  Don’t they usually call that “the Hershey Highway?”

None of my liberal male friends down here in Miami are even remotely excited about voting for Hillary and having her shrill backside wielding a whiny scepter over the United States.

Backside, scepter…we get  it, Doug, we get it! 

If they wanted that they’d go home to their yarbling liberal wives.  

Doug is jealous because his wife won’t yarble.

38 Responses to “Townhall Soup Sampler”

Alongside the celebration of John Browning day I propose the inclusion of a Mikhail Kalashnikov day. Much like the charitable and self-effacing John Browning, Mikhail Kalashnikov has never received any royalties from his invention. There ought to be a celebration too in honor of the guy who invented anti-personnel mines.

If President Hillary will cause Giles physical pain every time he sees her, I may have to give the lady some campaign finance love.

And Burt? Allergies. Dog bites. Fatal maulings. Rabies or rabies shots.

You lack the basic grounding in reality to be worth addressing on a mature level. You are a moron.

Sweet Jeebus! It’s a carnival of neuroses and cluelessness and barely repressed sexual perversion over there. How the hell do folks like you take it day after day? Ick.
Well, I guess I’ll take them one at a time.

-”For another, none of them will be voting for Hillary Clinton.”
Yeah, good one buddy (-_-)

-Sooo…Lattes, Cappuccinos, etc. are just “colored water”? What ever gramps. And I know you’re shocked that stuff costs more today than it did before, but it’s not exactly a great insight.

-Good to know Mike Adams is still a freak. Seriously, all this obsessing over guns just makes your insecurities that much more obvious.

-Holy crap! Doug actually believes that “Vince Foster” conspiracy stuff!

-Hillary making you feel inadequate Doug? Sheesh, next he’s gonna claim she gives him E.D. No wonder he’s friends with Mike!

Icky, stupid little people. Blech.

For almost two weeks, I couldn’t use my computer because I was having technical problems, and my nephew took it to his house to fix it.
Now that it’s up and running again, I can finally visit this site regularly again and…
Sweet Lordy-Gordy, I’d almost forgotten people like Mike and Doug existed. That was such a nice feeling (sigh.)
I still hate Mike. Hate ‘im, hate ‘im, hate ‘im. Doesn’t he find being such an asshole exhausting? I mean, when I catch myself acting like one, I’m usually embarrassed and ashamed of myself. This guy wears it like a flag he’s attached to his cock so he can properly salute it.
(That last line made more sense in my head.)

A veritable carnival of grotesques. I am intrigued by their version of ‘news’. Reminds me of the Info Scandal in South Africa in the 1970s, whereby the Apartheid government bought a newspaper, the Citizen. On that day in 1976 when the people of Soweto rose up to be met by a hail of bullets, the Citizen’s headline read “Stop the Killing”. The article was about the clubbing of baby seals in the Arctic.

The militant abolitionist?

Nah, that was John Brown. You know, the “mouldering in the grave” guy.

John Browning (who was a Mormon, by the way) was the inventor of – among other things – the Browning Automatic Rifle. Also, a Browning-designed pistol was used to assassinate Archduke Ferdinand, sparking World War I. Quite a legacy. No wonder he’s Dr. Professor Mike’s hero.

It was a defining moment for mankind, exposing the ultimate failure of the brutal and goofy Marxist economic system.

I can’t get enough of this sort of construction, where a provincial American take on some commercially-hyped teevee Event becomes a Timeless Universal. (“Remember when Coke™ taught the world to sing?”)

And it’s curious how the history works: Solidarity–the real inspirational actor of the whole Fall of Communism tale–seems to have vanished completely (because it was a trade union? because it occured during the Carter administration?). And the wall fell because the Hungarians, and then the Czechs, toppled their goofy Marxist governments internally, opening an unstoppable passage to Austria, not because David Hasselhoff and Roger Waters saw a first-rate branding opportunity (it has long been my contention that blasting the Dead Zone with an endless Hasselhoff/Pink Floyd loop would have resulted in total surrender as much as a decade earlier, excepting that all the newly-freed inhabitants would have fled East).

Finally, it’s interesting that The Great Communicator’s words brought the thing down by delayed echo effect, especially seeing as how David Brooks now assures us that nobody was listening when he spouted off about States’ Rights.

Regarding Mike’s article, what is it about peace that is so disgusting to neo-cons?

Prelutsky = Perky Slut

Wow. It’s been some time since I’ve perused the denizens of ClownHall, albeit vicariously though your eyes.

But seeing their shit just makes me feel dirty.

And not the nice kind of dirty.

“and having her shrill backside wielding a whiny scepter”

Shrill backside, huh. Oooookay, then. Did anyone else read “tiny” instead of “whiny”?

Shorter Mike Adams: MLK Jr. never made me feel like I had a big penis.

Hell, shorter every Mike Adams: I have a small penis.

John Browning Day! That’s unbelievably stupid even form DrMike. John Brown Day isn’t much better. He was a doofus.

Happy John Browning Day! Now go kill something!

Remember kids, the auto-loading shotgun beats Jesus every time. Think about that the next time you’re playing Quake and uncertain about which one to pick up.

All I know is, when I hear the Quad Damage powerup in action, my immediate reaction is, “Jesus!”

Wow! The reactions to Mrs. Clinton almost make me want to vote for her, if only to enjoy the total wingnut meltdown that will occur in the aftermath. It promises to be even more entertaining than when she became Senator.

“Yes, Ms. Clinton has been an uninvited guest in my life for far too long. I cannot imagine having to stomach her and her blah blah blah.”

In that case, you should urge her to stop running for President, where she could hold office for decades, and stay in the Senate, ’cause senators just don’t stay in office that long.

Dumbass.

Ah, the Townhall Soup Sampler. Like Weight Watcher’s Soups, they have 0 points, too!

Another ClownHaller, Dennis Prager saying some provocative stuff while assuming a wide stance:

O, Scott, my love. You had me at “…I suggest these stark, elegiac, and heterodox musings from the inimitable Doghouse Riley….”

Because, see, I anticipated your suggestion, and had already visited His Inimitableness (as should you all), whereupon the scales fell from my eyes (as my eye-scales are wont to do – is there an ointment? Or is that [the cue to falling] the ointment?) because Doghouse Riley never fails me, he is my kinda sorta hero, even though history shows there’s not a chance in hell.

And furthermore, OMG am I sick to death of – while being unforgivably fascinated by – the bizarre stylins of the imitable Doug Giles.

I can no longer handle these flesh ‘n’ blood creatures. Please, Anthony, put them in the cornfield, Giles, Grogan, Adams, Schlussel, et al. Don’t kill ‘em, just send them to the cornfield and let them put on a show.

Dr. Mike:

“I just don’t believe that King was our greatest civil rights leader. I believe that distinction belongs to John Browning.”

Yes, because no one knows better than a privileged white dude where the black folks should align their sympathies and hopes. John Brown’s body lies a-mouldering in the texts because racist bastards can’t bring themselves to see cause a cause until a white man’s got his head on it.

God, my head almost exploded. Then I read your take-down of Doug.

Doug wishes he had a wife at all.

“Today’s “civil rights” movement has become a disgrace largely because it is based on the idea that people are entitled to things they did not earn through the fruits of their own labor.”

Yeah, because three hundred years of unpaid labor building the entire south and being the core of enriching the north isn’t enough, much less another hundred and fifty years of being paid less than their worth.

“the only reason that blacks ever demonstrate is to indicate solidarity with the likes of Rodney King, O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick or the punks known as the Jena Six.”

Of course, again, because people of color have been treated so handsomely by the white folks, what with mattresses in the slave quarters, giving them their own drinking fountain and being kind enough to stop cops and judges from killing them all right on the spot.

And since racism doesn’t exist, we can just focus on the persons of Rodney King and OJ without looking at the underlying play, or tag a name to an entire racist occurance, “Jena 6″. So much easier on the brain than actually reading a fucking thing. But old white men don’t have to keep up on much in order to get by do they?

Well, well, well! Well if it isn’t fat stinking Gile’s Goat Boy in poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!

Another thing that confounds me on a regular basis is when American blacks insist that whites are racist.

Jesus, Burt, maybe because in the same paragraph you trivialize all of their concerns and imply that they are the real racists. Maybe it has to do with the fact that segregation wasn’t really that long ago. Considering you must be about a hundred years old, you can’t be so senile as to have forgotten that.

What a douche. I’m not even that mad at what Dr. Mike wrote. That’s just not right.

While I was occupied mid-comment cleaning up cat puke, kate said what I tried to say much better.

John Browning was no civil rights crusader. _Tod_ Browning, on the other hand, freed the freaks. When will his contribution be recognized, I ask you?

One of us, one of us,
Gabba gabba, God Almighty,
One of us!

None of my liberal male friends down here in Miami are even remotely excited about voting for Hillary.

I doubt he has many “friends,” & if he does, his definition of “liberal” is probably someone who thinks a mentally ill, convicted criminal should wait two weeks before getting a gun.

“his definition of “liberal” is probably someone who thinks a mentally ill, convicted criminal should wait two weeks before getting a gun.”

But Doug needs that gun now! You want him to end up like Vince Foster?!

I love how he pulls the “I GOTS LIBRUL FRIENDS TOO!!” card and then immediately insults their wives. You know, the wives of his liberal friends. Who exist, and occupy spacetime in much the same way as you or I.

Also: yarbles.

No, Gundamhead, I want him to end up like Ted Haggard. I don’t think we’ll have to wait too long on that.

Any elaboration on my part would merely be texture-coating the lily, so instead, let me turn from the wind-blown poppies of Flanders fields to the trenches of Townhall, and hark as the Frappacino-stained soldiers of the War of Ideas pause to salute the living and honor the dead…

Keeping your allusions sharp for when the strike ends?

Say, how come one never hears such graceful mot-ion on one’s television screen?

They get cut for time? We’re down from the 24 minutes of content per half hour that was common 20 years ago, and the 22 minutes that’s been the rule in recent years, to the 21:30 (and dropping) we enjoy today.

Graceful language? We’ll soon reach the point where characters on TV communicate entirely in panicky gestures, short, high-pitched screams, and flash cards.

We’ll soon reach the point where characters on TV communicate entirely in panicky gestures, short, high-pitched screams, and flash cards

Oh my Lord. Don’t you see what this means, scott? _Every show_ will be like Tucker Carlson’s!

Wenn ich Browning höre, entsichere ich meine Kultur.

While no one called me out on it, I must admit to conflating Browning with John Brown because my brain was, well, exploding with all the racist vitriol.

Once I was corrected when another comment noted the Browning as associated with the gun, the whole thing actually seemed even worse. The asshat doesn’t even bother to really assign anyone who did anything meaningful against slavery. Its even more offensive than I at first thought, once viewed with clear, non bleeding, eyes. Thanks Mark for your praise nonetheless, I appreciate.

And Doghouse Riley’s V-Day post, I read that on V-Day, what prose is all I can say, what prose.

Wenn ich Browning höre, entsichere ich meine Kultur.

quodlibet, will you be my friend? That is just too fucking brilliant…

We’ll soon reach the point where characters on TV communicate entirely in panicky gestures, short, high-pitched screams, and flash cards.

Left by scott

Oh! American Idol is coming back for another season?

Something to say?