It comes from the mind of American Thinker columnist Humberto Fontova: Sarah Palin’s Basic Instinct.
What Humberto shares with the world isn’t so much his dreams of seeing Sarah in that interrogation scene, as his comments on Aaron Sorkin’s disgust at Sarah’s televised blood lust. (It seems that during the latest ep of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” Sarah shot a caribou and then did a gleeful victory dance as she butchered the animal. Sorkin thought this was gross. Humberto thinks that it was way sexy.)
For Humberto is a hunter too (or so he says):
Sarah Palin ain’t the only one who dances on a hunt. [...]My pulse rate jumps, my senses quicken, and I’m jolted back into my primal role. The branch jerks again…again. Gotta be something big, I think. My pulse is really hammering now. Is that a flicking ear?…A black nose?…The sun glints off something…yes!– An antler!
Sadly, the glints were just coming from Sally Jensen’s braces – and after Humberto shot her, it ended up being the worst Madison Junior High dance in recent history.
Anyway, here’s the soft-core porn part of the column.
Dear Penthouse Forum:
So, I have this geeky friend (and he is NOT me). I take him hunting.
He wallops a high-flying mallard, and his eyes light up! Next week, he’s clamoring to go again. [...] The embers have ignited into a raging inferno by now.
Um, this actually isn’t a Brokeback Mountain story, as you can see by my masculine photo. But soon his wife hates me.
Invariably, his wife, once tolerably civil, starts to loathe me. She addresses me exclusively in snarls and curses. She hangs up on me, erases my texts and e-mails. She becomes my bitter foe.
Really, it’s not because she thinks I’ve stolen her husband away from her. Okay, it is, but not how you think!
This hunting stuff, however, is a passion, an obsession. “That’s all he talks about!” she wails. “I never see him anymore! He pays more attention to that stupid shotgun than to me! We can’t go out anymore ’cause he’s always gone on weekends…and that damn racket from that damn duckcall! Night and day!”
He is now sexually attracted to ducks instead of her. Well, ducks and deer. But what are you going to do?
The ducks and deer now compete seriously for her time. She resents it. But this always fades.
Because she starts going on her own “hunting trips” with the pizza delivery boy.
No, strike that. Penthouse, you won’t believe it, but what actually happens is that about Christmas time the wife starts getting aroused by the smell of deer blood and unwashed maleness.
Always happens this way. Her hubby’s new passion brings her benefits in the boudoir, you see. Conquest afield is usually followed by conquest at home. He returns from the chase — dirty, bedraggled, but always with a carnal gleam in his eye. It was so for our Paleolithic ancestors. It remains the case today. Ask around.
Seriously, Penthouse Forum, I would appreciate it if you would start asking around, and find out if women really get turned on by dirty, bedraggled, horny, stupid guys? If so, would you please get me some names and phone numbers?
Oh, and I once saw Sarah Palin getting frisky with her husband. Or maybe it was a bigfoot. But it REALLY HAPPENED!
“That day in sunny Texas when the divorce rumors were rampant in the tabloids,” writes Sarah Palin in Going Rogue, “I watched Todd, tanned and shirtless, take the baby from my arms and walk him back to the ranch house. Seeing Todd’s blue eyes smiling, I chuckled. ‘Dang,’ I thought. ‘Divorce Todd? Have you seen Todd?”
Apparently that gleam is not confined to the male hunters’ eyes.
So, I was wondering if you could get me in touch with some programming guys from The Learning Channel or the Playboy Channel. I have some ideas of how “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” could be made more watchable.
Your friend and faithful reader,
Humberto
Well, I see that for a Wingnut, a gun is no longer just a Sacred Object…it’s also a sex aid…
Left by Paul W. Luscher on December 14th, 2010