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« Anniversary Beast-Blogging: The 7 Year Itch Edition
Pastor Giles IS Sledge Hammer! »

Top 10 Google Searches: The More Fleshy Bits Than Usual Edition

It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to answer the many Google queries that have brought people to World O’ Crap.  This week, the human body seems to be a source of enormous confusion, rather than the usual shame and tingling.

1.  witch’s teat plant: I’m guessing this is a decorative shrub which sprouts little buds in cold weather.

2.  sword of the new world moppet: A mid-70s Japanese anime series, this was a perhaps ill-conceived attempt to meld the Pippi Longstocking books with Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian stories.

3.  lipbalm is it a cure for homosexuality: Um…Yes!  Yes it is.  In fact, we’re selling it right now in our CafePress store (“It’s the Chapstick for Chaps Who Wish They Didn’t Love Another Chap’s Stick!”) and there’s a bulk discount available for members of the House Republican Caucus.

4.  vagina with bullhorns: According to his therapist’s notes, this is a recurring nightmare suffered by Newt Gingrich.

5.  father in law hairy chest: Really?  The World Wide Web’s only been around since 1991, and we’re already out of good ideas for porn?

6.  After chewing tobacco skin feels dead: Well, perhaps you should chew skin first, and then chew the tobacco afterwards for dessert.  Unless you intended the skin as a palate cleanser.

7.  jew penis slideshow: As I recall, this is how we passed rainy days in Junior High.

8.  ann coulter tits: I’m sorry Googler, but as Ponce de León learned, you can’t discover what doesn’t exist.

9. build a boner: Despite many requests from prominent Furries, Build-A-Bear is still failing to provide adequate genitalia options.

10. man sitting showing junk less is more: I don’t think this is a question, I think these are simply words to live by.

And now we come to our Open Source Q&A section.  What do you, the WO’C reader at home think?

11.  Doug Giles the cussing pastor?

12.  prettiest duggar girl

13.  DAN PEEK – DOER OF THE WORLD

14.  sex woman shooting guns

15.  dick cheney explodes

Posted by scott on Saturday, August 21st, 2010 at 12:01 am.

29 Responses to “Top 10 Google Searches: The More Fleshy Bits Than Usual Edition”

3. lipbalm is it a cure for homosexuality: Um…Yes! Yes it is. In fact, we’re selling it right now in our CafePress store (“It’s the Chapstick for Chaps Who Wish They Didn’t Love Another Chap’s Stick!”) and there’s a bulk discount available for members of the House Republican Caucus.

You know, hot coffee blasted through my nose is not the most pleasant experience this early in the morning – OTOH, I’m awake now so, uh, thanks!

You’d think, after 7 years, I would learn not to have any kind of liquid nearby when reading WOC…

Left by AnnPW on August 21st, 2010

sex woman shooting guns: The title of the bootleg Chinese DVD of “Salt”

dick cheney explodes: “What happens to a Dick deferred?/Maybe he just sags/like a heavy load./Or does he explode?/We can only hope”

prettiest duggar girl: It’s a tie between Jacinth, Jadzia, Judith, Jezreal, Jemiah and Jezebel. They all look so hot in their floor length dresses, it’s hard to pick the prettiest. But know its not Jocasa, Juniper, Juliana, Jasmine, Janet, Jessica, Jaylyn, Justine, Jaquanda, Jennifer, Jina, Jane, Josie, Judith 2 or Jolene. Those girls are real woofers.

Left by Brian Schlosser on August 21st, 2010

“It’s the Chapstick for Chaps Who Wish They Didn’t Love Another Chap’s Stick!”

To borrow an oft-quoted phrase from a nameless actor (but with a number): “I hate you, Scott.”

dick cheney explodes

You don’t know how much cash money I would pony up to see a spectacle like this. (“He blowed up real good!“)

Left by Ivan G. Shreve, Jr. on August 21st, 2010

13. DAN PEEK-DOER OF THE WORLD

Well, that’s quite a accomplishment. Most musicians don’t claim THAT many groupies. Even Jagger and Simmons don’t claim to have racked up that total.
For those of you who don’t know, Peek was one third of the mellow ’70′s band America, before leaving in 1977 to pursue a solo career as a contemporary Christian singer. “Doer of the World” was the title of an album he released in the mid-80′s.

Left by Bill S on August 21st, 2010

I am relieved there is an explanation, Bill. I was gonna google it earlier, but I got distracted hopefully googling “Dick Cheney Explodes”. Tragically, to no avail.

Anyone seen Piranha 3D yet? We were going to but I have a migraine. I hear it doesn’t suck nearly as bad as it could. Also, for anyone considering buying the new release of Piranha, the Roger Corman one, be advised there’s no fucking closed captions or subtitles. WTF? Jesus, people, spend the fifty bucks that nonprofit charges.

Left by D. Sidhe on August 21st, 2010

D. Sidhe:

I haven’t seen Piranha 3D myself, but I am assured by one of my friends that it is hilarious and gory.

Left by Randall on August 21st, 2010

11. Doug Giles the cussing pastor?

once again no match for

4. vagina with bullhorns

the Perfesser Dr Mike Adams PhD nightmare

dwarfed by the awesomeness of They Might Be Giants’ “Shoehorn With Teeth”

Left by preznit giv me turkee on August 21st, 2010

“prettiest duggar girl”

…some sort of statistical concept, right?

Left by ckc (not kc) on August 22nd, 2010

I’m pretty much at a loss for how anyone could confuse Doug Giles and Winton Dupree.

Left by CaptBackslap on August 22nd, 2010

The prettiest Duggar girl is always the next one.

Left by Larkspur on August 22nd, 2010

I’m promoting this one.
~

Left by ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© on August 22nd, 2010

“dick cheney explodes”
worst porno film title ever?

Left by Bill S on August 22nd, 2010

11. Doug Giles the cussing pastor?

Face to face with Father Bob “Holy Motherfucker of God” Dooley, Bishop Wilhemina “Tha Blasphima” Klangenschmidt, and The Very Reverend Willie “Stitch This, Cunt” McTaggart in the 2010 Interfaith Pulpit Profanity playoffs.

12. prettiest duggar girl

I’m getting a strong To Catch A Predator vibe here. Step away. Step far, far away.

13. DAN PEEK – DOER OF THE WORLD

The searcher tripped up on the Scottish accent: “Dour of the World” is a sort of High Kirk ennui, frequently experienced by those who have crossed rhetorical swords with the aforementioned Rev McTaggart. Also, scalp wounds bleed like a bitch.

An’ a coupla rock’n'rollers:

14. sex woman shooting guns

Rejected Red Hot Chili Peppers album title.

15. dick cheney explodes

Julian Cope’s comeback band. Doomed, frankly.

Left by Mentis Fugit on August 22nd, 2010

15. dick cheney explodes

Julian Cope’s comeback band. Doomed, frankly.

mebbe if it was “Newt Gingrich Explodes?”

Left by preznit giv me turkee on August 22nd, 2010

12. prettiest duggar girl

Is this a trick question?

14. sex woman shooting guns

We usually save this for Saturday night. Makes repenting in the morning so much more meaningful.

15. dick cheney explodes

And then I woke up.

Left by Weird Dave on August 22nd, 2010

The prettiest Duggar girl is always the next one.

Winner!

Left by AnnPW on August 23rd, 2010

11. Doug Giles the cussing pastor? I think they misspelled “stupidest”. But I could be wrong.

12. prettiest duggar girl Sadly, there’s an eighteen way tie for this. I can tell you that the mother has the loosest vagina.

13. DAN PEEK – DOER OF THE WORLD Man gets around a bit, I guess. I’m upset that I have not been done by Dan.

14. sex woman shooting guns I thought in sex it was the man who popped his gun.

15. dick cheney explodes See #14

Left by actor212 on August 23rd, 2010

“I’m upset that I have not been done by Dan”.

Well, don’t despair, actor.
In the words of Mr. Peek, “All Things Are Possible”

Left by Bill S on August 23rd, 2010

I did see Piranha 3D, I’m working on a review of sorts, but it’s either going to end up spoiler-heavy or more sort of an overview of my opinions on piranha movies in general. Opinions, and nags, would help me finish it, because, uh, my shrink died. Apparently. My talkshrink. I still don’t have a working phone line, so I found this out when I went in to see her. They wedged me in with my meds shrink to make sure this isn’t going to prompt me to become unbalanced, or more unbalanced, or whatever, since they don’t have another talk therapy type at the place where I go, so while I sort of have some extra time on my hands, I’m kind of disconcerted this week and maybe even more easily distracted than usual, so nagging me about it will help get it done.

We weren’t exactly friends, so don’t feel like condolences are necessary here, gang, but I hate having to start over with new shrinks, and we might actually have been getting somewhere-ish, and, you know, we sort of had spent a lot–a LOT–of time together and I am sorry this happened for her family’s sake if nothing else (and, yeah, there’s “else”, but what-the-hell, she was my shrink not my buddy, and we could get contentious as those relationships do. For example, one of our last conversations had her announcing out of nowhere that she wanted to place me “somewhere on the autism spectrum”, which was… new. And weird. And now unexplained.)

Maybe I’ll go back to trying to blog…

Left by D. Sidhe on August 23rd, 2010

14. sex woman shooting guns
I thought in sex it was the man who popped his gun.

And I thought you New Yorkers were sophisticated…

Oh, and Mr Shreve, we know his name.

Somewhat OT, but what have you done with little Google-bot. It hasn’t been showing up lately.
I liked that thing. It seemed a little weird and confused. Like me.

Left by Weird Dave on August 23rd, 2010

OMG D.Sidhe! That’s horrible. I am so so sorry, whether or not you want the condolences. That’s a great big shock and it brings about a powerful sense of weirdness.

My long-time psychiatrist was recently in an accident. No huge deal…except that one of his feet got mashed and it was supposed to be soft tissue damage, painful but sure to heal quickly, and then all of a sudden, thrombophlebitis, then blood thinners and bed rest and a real risk of throwing a clot and becoming DED.

But he’s getting better now. I so didn’t want him to die, on account of he’s a nice person, and has family, and isn’t ready to die yet, and also because sometimes I think that when he dies, I cease to exist.

Although now that I have typed this on a public forum, possibly I won’t, or it’ll just be a weird stasis in which I have to re-learn the internets or something.

I am frightened, D.Sidhe. Hold me. kthx

Left by Larkspur on August 23rd, 2010

It’s definitely weird. And I know what you mean, because even after the meds shrink explained what happened, I still spent all day thinking, Well, maybe she’s not dead, maybe she’s just sick of dealing with me. Sometime this evening it evolved into “Hey, maybe this is some kind of test to see how I’m doing with reality now”. Partly because I’m surprised they told me at all, I would have told her nutjob clients that she had *ahem* moved away or something just to forestall freakouts. But I suppose once they figured it out, they’d freak worse. It’s not like they couldn’t google.

Anyway, I know I’m not the best anchor in the world, but believe me, Larkspur, I think about you at least once a day (it’s not creepy, I promise. I check in here at least once a day.) And I don’t even know your shrink, so you have at least some existence independent of him. Take that, id!

Left by D. Sidhe on August 24th, 2010

Larkspur, I think about you at least once a day

Bowchickawowwow…

Left by actor212 on August 24th, 2010

D. Sidhe–
You know, autism-related diagnoses (especially Asperger’s) are quite fashionable nowadays, kind of like hypoglycemia in the 80s or attention deficit in the 90s. (The short-lived multiple personality craze of the early 2000s never quite got any traction under it.) So there may be some social advantages, and anyway, you are not your diagnosis. And if you hear something you don’t like from the new shrink, please don’t cuss him or her out or you’ll wind up labeled a Tourette’s.

Left by trashfire on August 24th, 2010

Good advice, Trashfire. To be fair, though, I never even cussed out the one who decided my migraine triggers were evidence of repressed raisin trauma.

I still don’t know that they’re allowed to throw “autism disorders” at someone who’s schizophrenic to begin with, but it was still weird as hell.

And actor? I think of you at least once a day, too.

Left by D. Sidhe on August 25th, 2010

And actor? I think of you at least once a day, too.

SWM seeks threesome…

Left by actor212 on August 25th, 2010

Thanks, D.Sidhe.

But are you sure she said “repressed raisin trauma”? Possibly you (or she) accidentally omitted an apostrophe? Because I admit to havin’ raisin’ trauma, although it’s not exactly repressed. My parents disliked children, and were dismayed when they realized they couldn’t return us for store credit.

And actor212, I think of you every day, too. But it’s only problematic when I think of you at night, after I’ve fallen asleep, right before I wake up screaming. Now that my psychiatrist is not dead, I should probably discuss this with him.

Now I return to our currently scheduled program already in progress: the always inventive faux hebephrenic* stylings of one Doug G.

*Faux. Faux. Why one would adopt a hebephrenic affect to present to the world is beyond me. If one gets a ticket to hell, and has the option of tearing it up, one tears it the fuck up.

Left by Larkspur on August 25th, 2010

And actor212, I think of you every day, too. But it’s only problematic when I think of you at night, after I’ve fallen asleep, right before I wake up screaming. Now that my psychiatrist is not dead, I should probably discuss this with him.

It’s your own fault for leaving the window open.

Left by actor212 on August 25th, 2010

Hey, D., you can consider yourself nagged about that review. I’m never going to see that or any other Piranha movie myself, not on purpose anyway, and how will I know what to think about the subject unless you fill me in? You don’t want that on your conscience, do ya?

Very difficult situation about your poor shrink – it must always be hard work building up a relationship of that very particular kind.

Left by Li'l Innocent on August 25th, 2010

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