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Wal-Mart buys in to selling Christmas

According to a piece in The Boston Herald, the first shot in the Annual War Against Christmas has been fired across the bows of Wal*Mart, and the brobdignagian general merchandiser has struck its colors like a Velveeta-eating surrender monkey:

Wal-Mart is rolling back its avoidance of all things “Christmas” to once again shout out the word some competitors have watered down to “holiday.”

“I think we learned a lesson last year,” Wal-Mart spokesman Steven Restivo said. “We listened to our customers. There’s a call to return to a core Merry Christmas message. We’re proud to say Christmas is back at Wal-Mart this year.”

A “core Merry Christmas message.”  Well, this either means that Karl Rove, despite having taken a shellacking in Tuesday’s election, has sold Wal*Mart on the genius of his base-focused marketing approach, or else the gigantic retailer has ditched it mission statement and big box locations, and will now operate exclusively out of abandoned storefronts in malls, selling Christmas decorations and thematically-related gimcrackery between November 1st and December 25th, before vanishing, Brigadoon-like, on New Years Eve.

The Arkansas-based retail giant with mom-and-pop-store appeal announced yesterday it has replaced its Holiday Shops with Christmas Shops. Wal-Mart will feature “Days ’Til Christmas” countdowns. The Salvation Army will be its charitable partner.

Emphasis mine.  For some reason, this phrase makes me think that the author of the article, Laurel J. Sweet, wrote it near deadline, with a can on Redbull on one side of her keyboard and a Wal*Mart press release on the other.

Wal-Mart needn’t fear it will receive a lump of coal in its stocking or see its 44 Bay State stores picketed by the Coalition to Save Christmas in Massachusetts.

Yes, when a bully has you down on the ground in a headlock and is punching you in the face, he’ll usually stop once you give up your lunch money, if only to conserve his strength for the impending War on Easter.

“It’s starting to feel like ‘Miracle on 34th Street,’ ” said Lynnfield developer Robert Marley, who started the coalition this week with his brother, Kevin, and friends.

With a name like Marley, you’d think it would be feeling more like A Christmas Carol.   However, if this is the kind of thing he and his brother do when they get together with their friends, all I can say is, somebody needs to buy this group some Dockers and a case of Lowenbrau.

Marley said he has received e-mails of support from as far away as California and the Middle East.

That’s nice.  Enjoy the warm glow of recognition while it lasts, Mr. Marley.  Because even as we speak, Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson are racing each other to the nearest camera to claim credit for Wal*Mart’s capitulation.

“You want our money? Then recognize why you’re taking it,” he said.

Because you’re rapacious, slave labor-enabling bastards who lay waste to American small businesses like the gigantic reaper in a Black Plague-era woodcut and whose collective social conscience makes Cornelius Vanderbilt look like Warren Buffet?

Or was that a rhetorical question?

“But, why does a bum like me have to stand up and get this done? Where are our religious leaders?”

They’re out getting a massage at the moment, Bob.  Any other scheduling issues I can help you with?

26 Responses to “Have a Coke and a Heil”

[...] World-O-Crap [...]

..Do these guys see [i]Scrooge[/i] and the lesson they take away is that he didn’t put up enough Merry Christmas banners? Or what?

Nothing says “The Messiah is come” quite so well as buying overpackaged products built by undernourished teenage girls who are forced to live in conditions cows and asses wouldn’t put up with and who are beaten, raped, and then forced to have abortions to keep their indentured servitude. Hallelujah.

Hey, does this mean the Christmas Warriors can split up and half of them can start pounding soapboxes about the commercialization of a holy day?

“mom-and-pop store appeal”?? Gimme a break! While I throw up…

Coalition to Save Christmas in Massachusetts

Holy crap, we have a Coalition to Save Christmas? In Massachusetts, the Gay State?!! Wow, this is serious!

Robert Marley, who started the coalition this week with his brother, Kevin, and friends

Ah, nevermind.

They’re out getting a massage at the moment, Bob.

Now that’s funny, Scott.

And I share tigrismus’s surprise – you’d think Massachusetts would have a Coalition to Save Ramadan, or Kwanza, or Earth Day.

Say, where do I nominate an Ultimate Wingnut around here? I got a good one… [dumps burlap sack on counter, out spills loopy wingnut]

“Let the Dems Bury the Dems

Regardless of what happens today, it shouldn’t greatly affect the spiritual equilibrium of the Superior Man, whose invisible combat will continue unabated. Indeed, this is what distinguishes us from the agitated multitude of horizontal men who locate their salvation in politics. To witness the fevered excitement of a crass and loudmouthed vulgarian such as Chris Matthews or the adamantine darkness visible of a Keith Olbermann and the kos-bags for whom he shrieks is to see the human pig in all its naked horizontal glory.”

Yeah, it’s all Doug Giles on mescaline like that.

Oh, and Academic A-Hole is definitely this guy’s category.

“Because you’re rapacious, slave labor-enabling bastards who lay waste to American small businesses like the gigantic reaper in a Black Plague-era woodcut and whose collective social conscience makes Cornelius Vanderbilt look like Warren Buffet?”

As unreliable and flake-off as I’ve been lately (okay, for the past YEAR), please never forget that I absofuckinglutely adore the way that you write, Scott. And that I’m deeply jealous of the above line and would steal it if I thought that I had a chance of getting away with it.



I’m doing another blog telethon.

One of the best people that I know has a brain tumor that’s going to kill her in a matter of weeks. We’ve lined-up surgeons who will donate their services, but still need an assload of money for the hospital, the rehab, you name it.

And don’t worry, those of you who tried to help me get a front tooth, I won’t be managing the money or fucking it up. Hopefully, the same generosity that so many of you shared with the Katrina evacuees will kick in, and we will be able to help save this young woman’s life.

No shit.

At least give it a look. Please.

We don’t have her bank account or PayPal account set up yet (soon!), but please at least go read what we’ve got thus far.

Sorry to take up your comment space with this, Sheri & Scott, but as you know, this is a very pressing issue.

And I wanted to get the word out before the Xmas Shopping Orgy/Debtus Maximus commercial materialism fits kick-in, so if you’ve got ten or twenty bucks to spare, please think about my friend Lee.

Thank you all. For everything. If it weren’t for my blog family, I don’t know where I’d be by now, but it wouldn’t be good.

(Especially Sheri, Scott, and D.Sidhe, who sent the most amazing get-well present that I’ve ever seen in my life.)


To Anntichrist s. Coulter; I’ve bookmarked your site, and will send you some money when the Paypal account is set up.

Jeebus. Lynfield? MA? Oy. That’s much, much too close for comfort. How embarassing. And here I was feeling so smug about living in the bluest state of all… Maybe not so much.

” ‘It’s starting to feel like ‘Miracle on 34th Street,’ ” said Lynnfield developer Robert Marley’

Wait, I thought that “Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.”

Can’t these bozos keep their cliche-ridden Christmas stories straight. Oh wait, maybe they meant Bob Marley. Still “Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.”

Nothin’ beats the smell of cynical faux-capitulation to an artificial groundswell of manufactured opinion first thing in the morning, does it?

Rafe, I was worried until I saw it was some guy, his brother, and probably a couple drinking buddies. I’m guessing they started it just after the Pats-Colts game, while drinking deeply the cheap-ass beer of regret. Plus, it’s Walmart. If they get Whole Foods, Costco or, theological construct forbid, BJ’s, then I’ll worry.

Maybe they can whittle Santa some teeth.

Wait, wait, wait. There are 44 Wally World Mega Super Gianormo Warehouse locations in MA‽ Jeebus! Is there a single inch of that fairly tiny state that isn’t occupied by one of those monstrosities? Are all you chowdah-swilling Red Sox fans out there actually living in Wally World, or in a RV out in the parking lot? Cripes, talk about a weapon of Mass. destruction!

to tigismus ur an idiot these men are my uncles you idiot they have quit drinking a long time ago get some facts straight before you run your idiot mouth all around the web your a real ignorent person

no dude i’m just kidding i just thought your name was weird so i wanted to make you feel bad no offense though

well anyway i live in california and a group like this tried to do the same thing but they failed horribly maybe these people will do the same who knows

To all you cool-aid drinking secular progressives, I can understand your disappointment, you fought so long and so hard, notwithstanding, we have unraveled in weeks what it has taken years for you to achieve. When we are finished with the stores, the schools are next.
To all a good night and Merry Christmas

One more thing, we will be on the Fox News Network tomorrow asking all Christians to crusade with us and knock the seculars’ back into corn-“flake” land where they came from.
Again, Merry Christmas to all

There is strength in numbers, oh some 85% of this population is Christian. 95% of the population celebrates Christmas and the last poll I checked, 78% of the people said they would not shop in stores that don’t use the words Merry Christmas, that is a countrywide poll by the way. After all, it is Christmas and not the holidayssss.

Merry Christmas to you and yours

Oh! He’ SO CUTE! He actually BELIEVES there is a war on Christmas, and he’s talking about the schools, next.

Hey, Bob–check out my public school–we do Secret Service Santa (the Secret Service and local law enforcement band together to bring yuletide greetings and fun–and defeat the Grinch–at our school every year!) and be sure to enjoy our Holiday Program where CHRISTMAS CAROLS are sung with joy and a reenactment of the traditional La Posada is performed every year.

War On Christmas? In Liberal Los Angeles?! I don’t THINK so.

Buh Bye. Now. Happy 27 shopping days till Christmas!


Whaddaya say to a REAL war on Christmas? How about you and your buddies put your families into the red by filling your Lynnfield manse with plastic junk, and everyone on the left never shops a big box or a fast food joint again? We will crash this economy, and you’ll be wishing you hadn’t run up those credit cards, eh?

-WOX (Wakefield, MA)

Bobby, should you be here spreading your genius? When Namco is selling holiday trees and Kohl’s is seeling SATANTIC holiday trees? What kind of general of stupidity are you, anyway? There’s a war on, soldier! Happy Holidays!

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