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I’m dressing up like a homo nup for Halloween this year — THAT should scare a lot of people!

It’s Halloween Horror if Dems Win

It’s going to be horrific if Dems get control of government. In fact, there are no words to describe how horrible it will be to live in America if the irreligious Dems gain the driver’s seat.

Dems are anti-God, anti-family, anti-morality, anti-Judeo-Christian heritage, anti-unborn children, anti-decency, anti-reason. They are, in short, basically demonic.

Yes, we are.  And when we win back the Senate and the House, we are going to have wild orgies in the Capitol, and we won’t invite you.  We are also going to eat your babies, marry your sons (unless we are female, in which case we will marry your daughters and/or box turtles), and force you to listen to the that HeadOn commercial nonstop for hours.  That’s just how evil we are.

But Pastor Swank does ask a good question:

Where is the sterling Republican leadership in Congress? It’s not.

Um, okay, he doesn’t answer that question coherently, but it is a good one.

Anyway, he concedes that the Republicans haven’t done that great of a job since they took power, but hey, at least they have the grace to be hypocrites, and so are better than the alternative.

However, the alternative re: moving for Dems is to stash the nation near hell’s lip. Certainly anyone in his right mind and clean heart would not want to live one day in that climate. Yet that could happen. In a few days, the US will know.

So, if the Dems do win, I guess Pastor Swank will move to somewhere father away from hell’s lip — but not Canada, since that’s Hell’s eyebrow, nor Mexico, which is Hell’s kneecap.

Seriously, I don’t know where the Pastor would be happy — anybody have any ideas?

This nation is in an extremely sorry state. Sorry sorry state. If there are any out there with prayer faith, let them act on it for there is little else to turn to.

Illegals mount higher.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve been focused on the dogs this week, but to me the Pastor’s last line conjures up some interesting imagery.

Iraq wallows in more blood fountains.

And those blood fountains weren’t built for wallowing, Iraqis!  Just take a brief dip in the blood, and then move on.

Those are two major items that blemish the Republican program. Illegals who are blatantly just plain not legal have been defended by President Bush.

Illegals who are blatantly just plain not legal are the worst kind of illegals!

Iraq is President Bush’s last ditch doctrine for “staying the course.” Both of these conclusions by President Bush are not right.

Nothing that is illegal should be tolerated by anyone in the US, particularly the President.

Um, Pastor Swank, didn’t the wiretapping, torture, and detention without trial teach you that the President can declare ANYTHING legal, and then it’s not illegal anymore?

And as far as Iraq is concerned, Islamic theology should have been studied prior to Operation Iraqi Freedom. If it had been studied, Islam would have been revealed as a killing and maiming cult, not a “religion of peace.”

And then we would have never taken than harpy Ann Coulter’s advice, and we would instead have just nuked the whole Middle East.  And so now we wouldn’t be wallowing in this blood fountain quagmire, just because we didn’t know that all Muslims are Satan’s action figures.

Nuts. Nuts for sure.

Yet for the Dems to attempt to rescue this confusion is only a deep slide into The Pit.

Yeah, we’re totally screwed, no matter who wins the election.  Happy Halloween, kids!

Scott adds:  While I may disagree with the pastor on one or two points, one does have to admire the tidiness of his prose.  How does he manage to achieve this taut, clean voice when churning out 5 or 6 columns per day?  Well, he’s good enough to walk us through his personal Elements of Style:

God help us. Republicans were cowardly to the nth degree in that last Congress. Cowardly, actually, is too kind a term. But for the sake of not wanting to get verbally messy, let’s stay with “cowardly.”

21 Responses to “Happy Halloween From Pastor Swank”

I continue to be amazed that an alleged man of God can spew this kind of bile and still make sarcastic “religion of peace” comments about *Islam*. Inside his head is only a forlorn exercise wheel where the gerbil died decades ago.

Now, I thought the problem was NOT that “Illegals…are blatantly just plain not legal.” I thought the problem was that they were sneakily plain not legal so’s ya couldn’t tell if they were plain not legal.

Best to stick with Swank’s simple rule: if someone is brownish and their last name ends in a vowel or a z that makes them blatently plain not legal. God told him that, so it must be true. Given how Swank writes, I think God had a mouthful of peanut butter sandwich at the time.

I hear God likes Jif.

I usually refuse to disagree with s.z., but I have to take exception to her suggestion that we Dems have anything to do with the HeadOn commercial. Orgies, gay marriage and cannibalism, that’s all our work. But the HeadOn commercial is clearly Republican. The proof of that is it’s use of a key Republican tactic — keep repeating bullshit over and over again and people will believe it.

HeadOn, er, Saddam was responsible for 9/11.

Saddam was responsible for 9/11.

Saddam was responsible for 9/11.

Seriously, I don’t know where the Pastor would be happy — anybody have any ideas?

What’s wrong with his present location? It couldn’t have been easy for an old fart like him to climb that far up Bush’s ass, and he looks quite comfortable there.

Damn, Hell’s Lip(s) is a blogger’s name made in heaven.

Dems are anti-God, anti-family, anti-morality, anti-Judeo-Christian heritage, anti-unborn children, anti-decency, anti-reason. They are, in short, basically demonic.

Swank is pro-reason? Since when?

Dems are anti-God, anti-family, anti-morality, anti-Judeo-Christian heritage, anti-unborn children, anti-decency, anti-reason. They are, in short, basically demonic.

I just realized what shirt I have to wear to the polls.

SwankOn — apply directly to the forehead.

It’s going to be horrific if Dems get control of government. In fact, there are no words to describe how horrible it will be to live in America if the irreligious Dems gain the driver’s seat… They are, in short, basically demonic.

Ah yes. Remember the Bosch-meets-Dante-meets-Iron-Maiden-video existence we we all forced to live in 1992? Boy, that was rough.

I love Swank. He is such a bad breath of fresh insanity. I mean recently, I was getting angry, really angry at these shitbags like the Oxycotin Kid and all the rest. But god, you just can’t stay mad at someone so slam fucking nuts as the Swankster. ” stash the nation near hell’s lip.” My son plays in a great psycho-rockabilly band ( stand-up bass player). I gotta give him that line. What a great line. It’s almost Warren Zevonesque in its strangeness.

The “Hell’s lip” line does make me wonder if the good pastor has been wearing jackets out of the charity box again, yes.

Dems are anti-God, anti-family, anti-morality, anti-Judeo-Christian heritage, anti-unborn children, anti-decency, anti-reason. They are, in short, basically demonic.

I call foul–this is an IMPOSTER! The real Pastor Swank would have said anti-womb babies!

Plus the kerning is way off…

He has just flipped his lid. His ravings are more incoherent than ever. I think he secretly sees the failings of his team and his mind is on a last ditch attempt at making sense of his rapidly collapsing world. Any day now we’ll find his IMs to VBen. Once his mind snaps he can live up to his name and be the Pastor Swank that I imagine. A swivel-hipped sexaholic with an apartment made entirely of lava rock and orange shag carpet who delivers the word with his fleshsword.

Paster Swank should go to Afghanistan and convert the Taliban to charismatic Christianity. Since they don’t have far to go, he can probably get it done with trinkets and liquor.

Wouldn’t stashing the nation near hell’s lip contribute to global warming and acid rain?

Does the lip have a canker sore?

All the ravings from the Righties are getting stranger and less coherent. It’s election season.

So, Swanker says that the nation is in a hell of a state, after 10 years of republican dominance and 6 years of outright Republican rule, and the obvious answer is…. more Republicans!

Insert your own favorite phrasing for the definition of insanity here.

But boy howdy, he’s at the top of his game for coining quotables here isn’t he? “Hell’s Lip” “Blood Fountains” “Illegals Mount Higher” “Last Ditch Doctrine”

I agree that the syntax is getting more mangled (if that’s possible) and the core message a bit more confused. I think the good pastor is suffering from something I never thought he was capable of: cognitive dissonance. Things are not computing, and womb babies, homo nups and terrorists global are all combining into one terribly confused cranium.
Wow, I think I’ve got his syntax down.

the the mounted illegals dig the last ditch doctrine since we couldn’t find any americans to dig it?

I really appreciate the Pastor’s unwillingness to get ‘verbally messy.’

I personally think that Pastor Swank and Hell’s Lip’s Canker Sores should be a band on the christian music circuit.

Cripes, one more Christo-fascist talking point and the MENTAL CASE will be handling snakes (unless the Gay-Ho rats him out) and speaking in tongues.

One second thought maybe I shouldn’t gone there, Swank – spank

Something to say?