You may remember that back on May 12, Dr. Professor Mike Adams filed his last column for Townhall, bidding a reluctant but bitter farewell as he went on retreat to Manitou Springs, Colorado, where he intends to write a book and grow a parasitic Native American demon on his neck.
Of course, many WO’C readers predicted that Mike had simply reached the “Good-bye Cruel World!” stage of the Classic Internet Troll Tantrum, and would inevitably be back the following week as though nothing had happened. Sure enough, Dr. Mike’s resignation from online punditry proved to be as real as the many triumphant tongue-lashings he’s administered to gays, lesbians, feminists, hippies, atheists, and his own co-workers and superiors at the University of North Carolina-Wilmington.
But it is true that he’s fled town in the wake of his failed lawsuit against UNC-W, and is spending the summer teaching at Summit Ministries Sleep Away Camp for Christian Kids Who Never Have Sex and Therefore Won’t Attract the Attention of an Axe-Wielding Serial Killer. And what godly lesson, you may ask, is he imparting to America’s Taliban-in-training?
Revenge! Specifically, that it’s a dish best served cold, on white bread with mayonnaise — or Miracle Whip if you’re watching your cholesterol –with corn-on-the-cob, side salad, or shoestring potatoes. Revenge is also served with a choice of milk, juice, coffee, Mr. Pibb, Orange Fanta, or our own Bottomless Glass of Iced Tea.
I can’t stand atheists. And I plan to do something about them. Thankfully, the U.S. Supreme Court has given me a powerful tool to use in my war against the godless. Earlier this week, the Court ruled that a public university may require all student organizations to admit any student as a voting member or officer. The decision applies even to a student who is openly hostile to the group’s fundamental beliefs.
As you probably noticed, Dr. Mike is in a sectarian snit about CLS v. Martinez, which held that student clubs at Hastings Laws School which seek official recognition (a meeting place, a cut of student fees) have to abide by the school’s anti-discrimination policy. This seems like such a basic question of fairness that even the Roberts Court (although not Roberts himself, nor Alito, Thomas, or Scalia) decided that the Christian Legal Society had no First Amendment right to state-funded bigotry; but to Dr. Mike, this means war, and from the Risk board on the card table in his room at the Super 8 Motel in Manitou Springs, he plans his campaign.
So, when I get back to the secular university in August, I plan to round up the students I know who are most hostile to atheism.
They’ll form a sort of vigilante group, like the Regulators, or the Anti-Bald Knobbers, one which, I predict, will go down in history as the Prick Posse.
Then I’m going to get them to help me find atheist-haters willing to join atheist student groups across the South. I plan to use my young fundamentalist Christian warriors to undermine the mission of every group that disagrees with me on the existence of God.
Like all of Dr. Mike’s brilliant ideas for agitprop theater (blending embryos into smoothies and serving them to poor black people in public housing projects, or drilling through the skulls of rescue cats outside the Womens Resource Center to punish PETA for ignoring abortion), this one will never get beyond the huffery and puffery of his Townhall column. This is probably because Dr. Mike is at his best when confronting illusory antagonists (he was probably the only kid on his block who had an imaginary enemy); real people just don’t seem to be as cooperatively and conveniently inclined to slink off in shame after being bitchslapped by one of Dr. Mike’s patented Joe Friday comebacks. Real people tend to talk back; they might even fight back, which would be totally unfair if Dr. Mike didn’t have one of his 178 guns with him at the time. At the very least, real people would almost certainly deviate from the carefully written scripts Dr. Mike provides for these encounters with his moral and intellectual inferiors.
But if he ever were to finally put one of his provocative schemes into operation, it would probably be this one, since it involves only his students running the risk of getting yelled at or arrested.
My friend, and Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE) President, Greg Lukianoff has a different take on this recent Supreme Court decision. He says “FIRE will continue to fight for the rights of expressive campus organizations to form around shared beliefs and for the principle that the College Democrats have the right to be Democrats, the College Atheists have the right to be atheists, and the College Christians have the right to be Christians.” But I disagree with Greg. As a member of the dominant majority, I recognize the power of Martinez to destroy campus dissent.
And I like it. I like it a lot.
It’s not like my own life isn’t a mess, so far be it from me to criticize anyone who’s arrived at a workable modus vivendi, but it seems there’s one major disadvantage to being the kind of man who’s so emotionally warped and stunted that he can only feel alive by forcing his enemies to reciprocate his bile and loathing: what if, no matter how obnoxious you are, nobody cares? I mean, I’m not saying Dr. Mike isn’t the hardest working hater in show business, but at least from my end — and I suspect this is true for a lot of us around here — his passion is unrequited. True, he can occasionally make me feel a brief frisson of disgust, but hatred is just too much of a commitment, and I could never expend the energy he does, constantly seething and formulating elaborate battle plans for pissing off people he doesn’t know, and would never have the nerve to speak to in person. I guess I’m too lazy, or maybe I just lack the Divine Spark.
The majority opinion in Christian Legal Society v. Martinez was authored by Justice Ginsburg. She held that Hastings’ policy is constitutional. That means the same policy that has been used against a Christian group in San Francisco can now be used against heathen dissidents in the Deep South.
Well, Dr. Mike may have to go a bit further down the map to find the Deep South these days, and that may be part of the reason he’s devoting the summer to teaching young Christian pranksters how to follow in his dropping-filled footsteps. North Carolina isn’t exactly the heathen-hatin’ Old Catawba it used to be, and which Dr. Mike clearly yearns for; they voted for Obama in 2008, and their governor is a woman and a Democrat (which is just adding insult to vaginery, since he’s already forced to labor ‘neath the spike heel of a female chancellor).
Justice Ginsburg was not impressed by the argument that the policy allows students hostile to a group’s core tenets to disrupt the group’s mission, or even destroy the group altogether. Ginsburg claimed that such concerns are “more hypothetical than real.” But I intend to make such concerns a reality for the unbelieving heathens.
I don’t know how those kids at Summit Ministries feel, but if my spiritual advisor had talked like a supervillain, I probably would have attended Sunday School a lot more often.
The majority opinion stated that denying recognition to groups like CLS is permissible in part because groups denied recognition may nevertheless avail themselves of other means of communication, such as social networking sites, to reach fellow students. That means an invading group can turn a smaller, weaker group into second class citizens on campus. That’s what I intend to do to those groups who do not believe in God.
I don’t really see the point of this exercise, since there’s a good chance these groups already believe in assholes.
If they don’t like it they can go to hell. That’s where they’re eventually going anyway.
If Jesus is sitting in heaven, looking down upon us, I suspect He feels about Dr. Mike’s efforts on His behalf the same way the McDonald’s Corporation would feel about a franchisee who responded to complaints about obesity and junk food by adding freshly severed rat tails to each order, because they’re low in fat and calories and hippies should just shut up.
The Court acknowledges that such “accept all comers” policies may not in fact be desirable for maintaining robust debate on public college campuses. I concur. And I like it that way. I do not robust seek debate. I seek power over the godless heathen dissident.
“Because God knows my ex-wife never did what I told her to.”
The Court’s majority opinion does not consider the constitutionality of non-discrimination policies as applied to belief-based student groups. Instead, the Court held that public universities like Hastings may only deny the right to freedom of expressive association to religious student groups like CLS if they deny this freedom to all groups.
So my campaign will conform to this opinion by first ensuring that there are no belief based groups on southern campuses.
I wondered why Dr. Mike was only going to subject the South to his remote control jackassery, but no doubt he expects that in the Old Confederacy he and his meeting-disrupting apostles will be greeted as liberators.
We won’t be able to discern the specifics of their beliefs by reading their constitutions. But we’ll be able to get the gist of what they’re up to by simply knowing the name of their group. Then we will seek to destroy groups whose names are even remotely suspicious. If I see any words like “atheist,” agnostic”, or even “free-thinker” I will know they are a group of godless heathens. Then we’ll move in for the kill.
Speaking of moving in for the kill…in the comments of our piece on Dr. Mike’s Fauxwell Address, reader RobNYNY observed of the Perpetually Unpromoted Professor: ”It was that same ‘Integrity‘ column in which he bragged about intentionally gut-shooting a boar, which he then lamely claims “crashed” somewhere out of sight. Gut-shot animals can live for days. The only right thing to do is to track the boar down and kill it, as a mercy to it, and a safety precaution to others. This story alone is enough reason to shun him professionally and personally.”
In his dissent, Justice Samuel Alito observed that the Martinez majority has provided public universities with “a handy weapon for suppressing the speech of unpopular groups.” Alito is right as usual. After we get rid of the heathens we’ll turn our weapon on the gays, the blacks, and the feminists. We might even go after the Italians, too.
What? You mean you weren’t serious?!
Ouch. It’s like suddenly finding out that there was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and darkness. With the telegram, one cloud lifts, and another descends. Astronaut Frank Douglas, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size some 8000 miles away in a lifeboat.
I guess the joke’s on us.
Okay, the thing I don’t get is, Dr. Mike hates most of the organizations that would be affected by this ruling.
It didn’t take me long to find him saying this:
The black student union, if I understand this ruling right, is now legally prohibited from kicking whitey out (We’ll helpfully ignore the fact that they almost certainly couldn’t and wouldn’t want to, even before the ruling).
At least half of Mike’s columns consist of him complaining that the Gays/Blacks/Women/Muslims/Dog Owners/Robots/Beard Aficionados have segregated themselves away from proper, civilized Dr. Mike, and now that the Supreme Court says “Yeah, that could be a problem” He’s mad, as near as I can tell for the sole reason that people he likes will have to play by the same rules as the people he doesn’t.
It’s almost as though these columns are expressions of a stupid, unfocused rage rather then the outgrowths of a coherent world view.
Left by Christopher on July 3rd, 2010