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Archive for July 9th, 2010

A Request

Posted by s.z. on July 9th, 2010

Scott, please give the ol’ Wo’C treatment to the latest Bill O’Reilly column Blood and Treasure. It’s Bill’s “kids these days” grumbling about vampires – and it’s exceptionally silly, even for an O’Reilly piece. (He’s obviously taking a vacation from punditing, but still wanted to get paid this week.) I’d love to tackle it myself, but I have a full day of animal stuff lined up. But here is Bill’s outline for the column, if that will help you.

1. I knew Bela Lugosi, and you, guy who plays a vampire in those Twilight movies, are no Bela Lugosi.

2. CBS News said that Twilight fans are doing nutty stuff. So obviously this whole craze is worthy of me, a Peabody-awarded news guy, writing about it.

3. I still have another 800 words to go, so let me now define what a vampire is for you. “For those who lack a frame of reference for Romanian folklore, a vampire is a creature who can live forever but must drink blood to survive.”

4. Stephanie Meyer’s vampires are “cool,” and that is a sign of all that is wrong with today’s young people.

5. And why do they like vampires so much? Video machines, that’s why!

6. Plus, vampires are pretty. “Their hair is perfect.” Didn’t I hear that line somewhere before? No matter, it’s mine now.

7. When I was a kid, we didn’t need vampires, because we had hula hoops! And we turned out pretty darned okay!

8. Vampires are a billion-dollar industry. How can I somehow cash in on it? I know, I’ll write another book looking out for the kids, but I’ll use the fiction-writing skills I displayed in “Those Who Trespass.” So, this novel will be about a straight-shooting, Christmas-defending, studly TV News guy who happens to be … a teenage vampire! I’ll throw in some kinky sex involving loofas, a few unpleasant murders, and some stories about my young years on the mean streets of suburbia, and it should be another best seller. Plus, it will teach the kids some much needed values. I just need a title for it. Boy, am I great or what?

Anyway, Scott, I’ll leave the actual riffing on the column to you, if you should choose to accept this assignment. Maybe you could throw in some vampire photos, or some photo-shopped photos of Bill as a vampire — whatever would dress the piece up the best. Good luck!

To Do List

Posted by s.z. on July 9th, 2010

Please adopt this dog. She is driving me crazy.

And while you’re at it, please adopt this kitten. She is really sweet and deserves a home.

And while you are doing my bidding. please scoff at this guy and the crappy paper that publishes him. Here’s some evidence as to why I’m requesting this action:

Why Obama is a cultural Muslim

President Obama is betraying the Jews. He is a cultural Muslim whose sympathies lie with the Islamic world in its life-death struggle against Israel. Unless American Jews wake up and speak out against Mr. Obama’s pro-Arab, anti-Israel policies, the Jewish state faces a possible nuclear war – and even annihilation.

And please pray for the soul of He needs help.

Today is the 4th of July. I plan to kill something.

Dear Secular Students: How many millions must be murdered in the name of godless government before you conclude that you might be wrong?

Also, consider praying that he gets medical help.

UPDATE: Links fixed. Sorry about that.

But The Stars We Could Reach Were Just Starfish Führers On The Beach

Posted by scott on July 9th, 2010

Well, after that Victoria Jackson video, we could probably all use a palate cleanser, so here’s a clip from the Japanese action-adventure-sci-fi show Kamen Rider X, in which the hero — a lame Ultraman rip-off who appears to derive his power from a flywheel on his belt — fights the villain Starfish Hitler, who doesn’t appear to be a rip-off of anything or anyone, except for Hitler and possibly some Asterinidae who think his costume goes a little beyond the Fair Use Doctrine.

(Courtesy of WTF Japan Seriously?)