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Welcome to our occasional series in which we attempt to answer the burning Google queries bringing the inquisitive to World O’ Crap.

1.  Would Mandingo hurt a woman?

Well, I’m a man, and it stung like hell when I watched it.  Unless of course the Googler is a woman who’s considering having sex with the title character of Mandingo — the slave, Ganymede — and is just doing a little pre-bedding vetting. In that case, all I can say is that he seemed nice enough, so it really comes down to patience and adequate lubrication.

2.  Economic undertones abba song

I’m glad to see this revival of interest in Nordic disco and neo-classical economics.  As many readers will recall, the Swedish super group ABBA were primarily famous for their pop songs about mid-70s stagflation.  Perhaps their most explicitly macroeconomic dance tracks appeared on their 1975 self-titled album — in particular the song Bang-A-Boomerang, a favorite of Chicago School economists, which passionately argued for a strict adherence to Friedman-style monetarism, with lyrics such as “Every feeling your showing/Is a boomerang you’re throwing” (a clear reference to rational choice theory).

3.  Does gut shot to cat kill it

Well, Jim-Bob, I regret to say that yes, it does seem likely.  So might I recommend that you stop looking to Google for a solution, put on the safety, and take your cat to the goddamned vet!  Even if it does make you late to the health care town hall.

4.  Is love putting up with someones crap

Ah, now that’s a question for the Ages, Googler.  But if you’re talking about the love between a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or two women and a draft pick to be named later, then yes, that’s a pretty good definition.  If you’re talking about the love between, say, a woman and her Bichon Frise, then love is mostly picking up someone’s crap.

5.  gay fuck of model world in Chinese

This is the sexually explicit and ultra violent Category III Hong Kong movie that was later remade by Wayne Wang as Maid in Manhattan.

6.  public hair peeping

…is the top online porn fetish site in Saudi Arabia.  It offers a product similar to those Japanese “upskirt” videos, except the Saudi pornographers focus their hidden cameras on the hijabs of passersby, hoping to catch a glimpse of a woman’s hairline.  Or, on windy days, even a forbidden peek of a veiled matron’s unbleached mustache.

7.  lane bryant chubbies

Much like “Victoria Secret Stiffies,” the Chubby is a physiological reaction men can experience when flipping through the Lane Bryant catalog — especially the provocative pictorial on page 43 for “the Cacique Back Smoothing Bra.”

8.  do girls get boners

I’m beginning to think these Abstinence Only sex education courses aren’t worth all the money we’ve been pouring into them.

9.  mr poppin fresh

In 1970, Pillsbury briefly dropped its longtime mascot, freeing him up to at last pursue his dream project.  It was a grim, violent crime drama entitled They Call Me MISTER Poppin Fresh!, and is remembered today primarily for its gritty New York locations, and a scene in a dark, rainy alley where Poppin Fresh is beaten to a pulp by a gang of mobsters who become increasingly enraged and brutal when he giggles every time they punch him in the gut.

10.  Old men fuck old men

And if you don’t mind, we’d like to keep it that way.  It just seems like a really good system.

25 Responses to “Top Ten Google Searches”

Why you be hatin’ on the plus-sized women?!

Economic undertones abba song

Speaking as a songwriter, I gotta say that I envy the songwriting talent, and well, I actually quite like the scandinavian wall of sound production. Although I don’t own any Abba records, I can appreciate what they’ve done.

That said, [spit take] economic undertones? What the fuck? I mean apart from making a handful of Swedes a fuckload of money, what the fuck?

How can you possibly not own any Abba records, Chris?

And Scott, it’s not public knowledge, but Pillsbury didn’t actually retire the Pillsbury Doughboy. His sudden disappearance was, well, kind of a grisly tale involving, uh, well, a Mixmaster and an oven.

You don’t wanna know the details, trust me.

How can you possibly not own any Abba records, Chris?

Yeah, go figure. Never owned a Beatles record either, though they seem like nice enough fellas.

Does gut shot to cat kill it

Good Lord. And he wound up here [shaking head]. Out of curiosity, I duplicated his search criteria, and sure enough, arrived here, primarily based on the fact that a fella named Robert used the phrase “gut-shot” in a comment on a post s.z. wrote in 2006.

The NRA was not among the first coupla dozen search results, oddly enough, nor was the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Google search engine programmers, you have much work ahead.

do girls get boners

THis one is puzzling. I mean, right out of the gate, this Google search produces the WikiAnswer: “No, girls would need to have a penis in order to do so.”

World o’ Crap does not appear in the first coupla dozen entries, and I most definitely am not going to pursue the matter beyond that (enter the search yourself to see why).

I think some girls get metaphorical boners.

And I am not sure how I feel about that.

Whenever people do these search referral lists, I’m less amazed at the weird sex stuff than by the heartfelt questions on serious personal issues that people seem to think can be resolved by asking Google. It’s quite sad, really, as these people seem to have no “real” people in their lives they can ask.

Hey, I have EVERY album by ABBA (on vinyl and cd) but nothing by Led Zepplin. So you can imagine how popular I was in high school.
“Money Money Money”

I work all night, I work all day
To pay the bills I have to pay
Ain’t it sad
And still there never seems to be
A single penny left for me
That’s too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn’t have to work at all
I’d fool around and have a ball

Money, money money
Must be funny
In a rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In a rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world.

A man like that is hard to find
But I can’t get him off my mind
Ain’t it sad
And if he happens to be free
I bet he wouldn’t fancy me
That’s too bad
So I must leave, I’ll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game
My life will never be the same

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In a rich man’s world
Money, Money, Money
Always sunny
In a rich man’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It’s a rich man’s world.

And Scott, it’s not public knowledge, but Pillsbury didn’t actually retire the Pillsbury Doughboy. His sudden disappearance was, well, kind of a grisly tale involving, uh, well, a Mixmaster and an oven.

Let’s just say a certain Mafioso’s girlfriend came down with a yeast infection, and suddenly there were a lot of dinner rolls for a week.

Doc, I don’t think scott was “hatin’ on plus-sized women”. I believe in the context, the word “Chubby” is a coloquail term for erection.
In fact, scott has an editorial rule against weight-related putdowns (though he doesn’t censor comments). In my original draft of the takedown of a Kathryn Jean Lopez column, I jokingly referred to her as K-JeLo”. He changed it to K-Lo, feeling this was a slam at her weight. I was actually referring to her brain consitancy; it hadn’t occurred to me it could be construed as a fat joke since I didn’t even know she WAS fat, never having seen her from the neck down. But I believe scott was correct in his assessment, so I was fine with the change.

Twice troubled am I:
- the Doughboy was beaten to a pulp? Just how would one know?
- speaking as an old man, it is high time the stigma over old men fucking anything other than other old men go away and stay away.

heydave, you may be interested to know that one of the most popular pron stars in Japan is an old man. I saw a news item a couple of months ago. He appears to be quite a clean and cheerful type of fellow.

Also, trenchcoat’s comment is pure genius. I would love to see someone try to work in references to crescent rolls and Hungry Jack biscuits here, too.

I’m glad to see this revival of interest in Nordic disco and neo-classical economics.

The lyrics were NOT “Can you hear the drums, Fernando?” but “Can you hear the open markets cry out for loosening of the governmental regulations that bind them, Fernando?”

do girls get boners

They do. Mine, usually.

“…knew too much about the conspiracy behind the Flight 93 Memorial in Shanksville, PA. There were signs of a struggle, and although no body was found, police did discover a crescent roll, pointing toward Mecca!

do girls get boners

If you’re touring Bangkok or Manila, it’s probably a safe assumption.

So you can imagine how popular I was in high school.

Funny stuff, Bill, but I rise to note that if you were a little older, and a Midwesterner, liking Led Zeppelin would have landed you in the same situation.

Just pausing to type in lemon party so the old men fucking old men searchers will continue to find themselves here again. Lemon party lemon party lemon party.

It was a grim, violent crime drama entitled They Call Me MISTER Poppin Fresh!, and is remembered today primarily for its gritty New York locations, and a scene in a dark, rainy alley where Poppin Fresh is beaten to a pulp by a gang of mobsters who become increasingly enraged and brutal when he giggles every time they punch him in the gut.

Didn’t he do a cameo in Pop Friction?

“This time you’ve gone too far. Fresh! [pokes gut] I’ll give you just 24 hours! [pokes gut] Or I’ll have your badge! [pokes gut] God Dammit, stop giggling!”

He’s a ball of dough that plays by HIS OWN RULES!

If you’re an old enough woman – and particularly if you’re so unfettered and uncaring that you’ve never even considered wearing a Cacique Back-Smoothing Bra – it is also possible not to own a single ABBA album. Or Led Zep, for that matter. Mere callow youths that they were, with an iffy grasp of post-Keynesianism.

So if the Pillsbury Doughboy was rubbed out (finally!) by wiseguys, who’s the character who shows up in that rather nice ad for whoknowswhat where all the ad-cartoon icons are having dinner together?

Maybe that should be “rolled out by wiseguys”…

If Poppin’ Fresh giggles his way through rollings/beatings, wouldn’t that land him a role as the dental patient in Little Shop of Horrors?

Something to say?