True Pastor Swank connoisseurs have noted signs that the former one-man wingnuttery factory just isn’t what he used to be. There is a massive decline in output (a man who used to put out up to five column a day on such diverse topics as “Gay Marriage:Satan’s Plan to Drag Cute Boys to Everlasting Flames,” ”5 Reasons why President Bush is the new Jesus”, and “They’ll All Go To Hell Because They’re Not Evangelicals, But Why the Catholics Will go to a Better Section Than the Episcopalians” is now reduced to cutting and pasting a couple of GOP press releases each week). But more importantly, the fire is gone. And so are the language skills. The man who gave us such treasured phrases as “gay nups” and “womb humans” now makes about as much sense as the instructions that came with your Chinese-made, Bulgarian-packaged electronic belt organizer — which, while sometimes amusing, is really sad when the writer is supposedly a native English speaker who attended an unnamed but accredited college.
So, the search is on for the NEW Swank. I humbly nominate local talent Gary R. Olsen. I don’t know anything about him, but I think this letter to the editor of the local newspaper demonstrates that he has the attitude, the moxie, and the general old coot vibe needed to fill this position. But see what YOU think . .
Gays kissing on Jumbotron?
To the editor:
While sitting through a rather enjoyable Aggie Basketball game on Saturday night against Cal Poly etc., I glanced up at the center Jumbotron during a timeout, and noticed the “Kiss the girl” graphic on the circular screen where the camera pans on to what they presume to be a couple, after which the camera then stays on them until they kiss each other, and then everybody cheers because it makes us all feel so gosh-darn warm inside.
So I got to thinking (uh oh, right?), how far off are we of going to the games here and seeing the camera pan onto a gay couple? What should we do? If we don’t cheer when they kiss, we’ll be labeled as intolerant bigots, and if we cheer, we sell out our own beliefs. (Keep in mind by “we” I refer to those of us who haven’t been consumed by the ireful gay species marring agenda.)
See, it’s Mr. Olsen’s willingness to tackle the moral issues that nobody else has (mostly because nobody else has ever wasted their time thinking about them) that makes him a contender for the position of Swank Redux. Plus, you have to give him credit for the snappy hate phrase “ireful gay species marring agenda,” since it combines words not normally used together in a usage that makes no sense whatsoever.
But back to Gary, the son that Pastor Swank never knew he had.
I should not have to feel like I am some kind of intolerant bigot for not accepting your repugnant and malodorous abomination of a lifestyle.
Aw, isn’t it cute the way that he calls a sexual orientation stinky while making you the bad guy if you think that he’s some sort of bigot?
I am learning to shy away from words like “queer” and “fanny bandits” to describe you (those statements truly were a lapsus linguae).
What a prince of a guy!
I am learning to tolerate you, and I would appreciate it if you recognized that what you are doing is not natural. Be grateful that you are allowed to participate in your unspeakable and despicably foolhardy activities, januis clausis (where the aforementioned actions should stay).
Yeah, gays, just be glad that you are allowed to commit your abominations in Mr. Olsen’s world without him putting the hurt on you (because he knows Latin and he’s not afraid to use it)!
But let’s skip forward a bit to where Mr. Olsen invents another catch phrase that is sure to catch on among today’s trendy homosexuals.
For those of you who were against Prop. 8, what do you think of the term: sodomitical copulation? Sit and reflect on that for a moment … Still think your viewpoint’s kosher? (Without even explaining what that means, the term even sounds gross all on its own.)
So, what do you think, people? Can you still be against a proposition that is designed to defeat something that can be described by a term that sounds ICKY???
To rant forth in another direction for a bit, can you believe that the gay rights movement of today is comparing themselves to the civil rights movement of the ’60’s? Well, isn’t that just ducky! I’m presently sitting here dumbfounded amidst a funky vibe of disbelief over that. Sit and reflect on how asinine that comparison is with me for a moment as well …
I sense a great deal of megalomania in the gay population, as there is no comparison nor any essence of resemblance between the two movements in any way, shape or form.
Gary R. Olsen
Let us tiptoe away and not disturb Mr. Olsen’s dumbfounded, funky, vibe of disbelief. But let me know if you think we should put Mr. Olsen in our “Wingnuts to Watch” folder (“Small Time, Small Potatoes” section), or if you think he’s a one-hit wonder, inspired by Jumbotron and too much Boone’s Farm wine at a basketball game.
And if you have any nominees of your own for the ReSwank role, let us know.
“funky vibe of disbelief” sounds more like something Doug Giles would say.
But I’d give him a B- for this effort. It’s more stupid than crazy.
For crazy, check out Pat Boone’s recent column comparing GLBT folk to terrorists. If there’s a man who can supplant Swank, it’s that guy.
Left by Bill S on December 9th, 2008