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True Pastor Swank connoisseurs have noted signs that the former one-man wingnuttery factory just isn’t what he used to be.  There is a massive decline in output (a man who used to put out up to five column a day on such diverse topics as “Gay Marriage:Satan’s Plan to Drag Cute Boys to Everlasting Flames,” ”5 Reasons why President Bush is the new Jesus”, and “They’ll All Go To Hell Because They’re Not Evangelicals, But Why the Catholics Will go to a Better Section Than the Episcopalians”  is now reduced to cutting and pasting a couple of GOP press releases each week).  But more importantly, the fire is gone.  And so are the language skills.  The man who gave us such treasured phrases as “gay nups” and “womb humans” now makes about as much sense as the instructions that came with your Chinese-made, Bulgarian-packaged electronic belt organizer — which, while sometimes amusing, is really sad when the writer is supposedly a native English speaker who attended an unnamed but accredited college.

So, the search is on for the NEW Swank.  I humbly nominate local talent Gary R. Olsen.  I don’t know anything about him, but I think this letter to the editor of the local newspaper demonstrates that he has the attitude, the moxie, and the general old coot vibe needed to fill this position.  But see what YOU think . .  

Gays kissing on Jumbotron?

To the editor:

While sitting through a rather enjoyable Aggie Basketball game on Saturday night against Cal Poly etc., I glanced up at the center Jumbotron during a timeout, and noticed the “Kiss the girl” graphic on the circular screen where the camera pans on to what they presume to be a couple, after which the camera then stays on them until they kiss each other, and then everybody cheers because it makes us all feel so gosh-darn warm inside.

So I got to thinking (uh oh, right?), how far off are we of going to the games here and seeing the camera pan onto a gay couple? What should we do? If we don’t cheer when they kiss, we’ll be labeled as intolerant bigots, and if we cheer, we sell out our own beliefs. (Keep in mind by “we” I refer to those of us who haven’t been consumed by the ireful gay species marring agenda.)

See, it’s  Mr. Olsen’s willingness to tackle the moral issues that nobody else has (mostly because nobody else has ever wasted their time thinking about them) that makes him a contender for the position of Swank Redux.  Plus, you have to give him credit for the snappy hate phrase “ireful gay species marring agenda,” since it combines words not normally used together in a usage that makes no sense whatsoever.

But back to Gary, the son that Pastor Swank never knew he had.

I should not have to feel like I am some kind of intolerant bigot for not accepting your repugnant and malodorous abomination of a lifestyle.

Aw, isn’t it cute the way that he calls a sexual orientation stinky while making you the bad guy if you think that he’s some sort of bigot?

 I am learning to shy away from words like “queer” and “fanny bandits” to describe you (those statements truly were a lapsus linguae).

What a prince of a guy!

 I am learning to tolerate you, and I would appreciate it if you recognized that what you are doing is not natural. Be grateful that you are allowed to participate in your unspeakable and despicably foolhardy activities, januis clausis (where the aforementioned actions should stay).

Yeah, gays, just be glad that you are allowed to commit your abominations in Mr. Olsen’s world without him putting the hurt on you (because he knows Latin and he’s not afraid to use it)!

But let’s skip forward a bit to where Mr. Olsen invents another catch phrase that is sure to catch on among today’s trendy homosexuals.

For those of you who were against Prop. 8, what do you think of the term: sodomitical copulation? Sit and reflect on that for a moment … Still think your viewpoint’s kosher? (Without even explaining what that means, the term even sounds gross all on its own.)

So, what do you think, people?  Can you still be against a proposition that is designed to defeat something that can be described by a term that sounds ICKY???

To rant forth in another direction for a bit, can you believe that the gay rights movement of today is comparing themselves to the civil rights movement of the ’60’s? Well, isn’t that just ducky! I’m presently sitting here dumbfounded amidst a funky vibe of disbelief over that. Sit and reflect on how asinine that comparison is with me for a moment as well …

I sense a great deal of megalomania in the gay population, as there is no comparison nor any essence of resemblance between the two movements in any way, shape or form.

Gary R. Olsen

Let us tiptoe away and not disturb Mr. Olsen’s dumbfounded, funky, vibe of disbelief.  But let me know if you think we should put Mr. Olsen in our “Wingnuts to Watch” folder (“Small Time, Small Potatoes” section), or if you think he’s a one-hit wonder, inspired by Jumbotron and too much Boone’s Farm wine at a basketball game. 

And if you have any nominees of your own for the ReSwank role, let us know. 

52 Responses to “Swank Version 2.0”

“funky vibe of disbelief” sounds more like something Doug Giles would say.
But I’d give him a B- for this effort. It’s more stupid than crazy.
For crazy, check out Pat Boone’s recent column comparing GLBT folk to terrorists. If there’s a man who can supplant Swank, it’s that guy.

It’s really too bad that it doesn’t fit on a bumper sticker: “I should not have to feel like I am some kind of intolerant bigot for not accepting your repugnant and malodorous abomination of a lifestyle.”
Because it’s hilarious! And so versatile.

I had a roomate in college who would get drunk and start arguments about politics (no, it wasn’t me.) when he would make what he would think was a valid, irrefutable point, he would say, in increasingly loud voice, “Think about it. Think about it!! THINK ABOUT IT!” over any objections or contradictions you would try to make. Then walk away, feeling like he had just schooled you.

I get the same vibe here: “Reflect on that.” Wonder what happened to that guy? Maybe you found him.

But; his kewl phrase there. Doesn’t that just mean ‘buttsecks’? Why not use ten syllables when two will work?

I hope RenewAmerica has scouts combing the Triple-A newspapers in your neck of the woods, s.z., because that’s one bright young coot who’s ready for The Show.

A word of caution: once could be mere luck. Let’s see if a second letter carries the semi-educated spite this one does…

My local boy was a columnist who quit to run for office – I eagerly await his return to the newspaper after that failed effort.

because he knows Latin and he’s not afraid to use it

Latin’s for fags.

Oh, this one’s a keeper. I love that he saw a romantic moment on the Jumbotron and his first thought was “But what if they were GAY?”

Followed by “How DARE you intolerant gays make me uncomfortable by existing!”

And then capped off with my favorite part, his little bargain: “OK, I’ll stop calling you fags if you stop being fags. Deal?”

Seriously, get this guy on WND stat. A few months and he’ll be better than Swank ever was. (“So I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying a delightful strawberry smoothie. I got to thinking: what if I saw a gay drinking a strawberry smoothie? It would make me feel gay for enjoying the same thing. I demand that the sodomites show me some respect by curtailing all fruit and yogurt-based smoothie consumption. Quod erat demonstrandum!”)

Oh, and for those of you who are skeptical, just remember that Doug Giles was originally discovered as a substitute for the increasingly bitter and angry James Lileks.

Also, I read that piece by Pat Boone. Honestly, it’s almost too spitefully crazy to make funny. Dismissing hundreds of deaths with flippant little turns of phrase and then claiming that Teh Gheys protesting Prop 8 are just as bad is just cold on so many levels. Still, if anyone can get it to work, it’s S.Z.

Actually, I have given it some thought: I was at a baseball game recently with my partner when they did the kiss on the jumbotron thing and I thought “What if…?”. To my surprise, the camera focused on a couple of guys on the opposing team – who pretended to kiss behind a glove! It was very cute. I wish Gary was there.

Also: Does “lapsus linguae” mean “my tongue has been naughty”?

How does one make “a slip of the tongue” when one is writing?

Pretentious Catholic git.

I was walking home from the grocery store behind two women holding hands (and not in a young woman supporting an elder kind of way). And I thought, “Hmmm, you know, maybe I should have gotten milk. Nah, no room in the fridge.”

I’ll have to ask my brother and his partner if they are fanny bandits because that is definitely a new one on me.

“Januis clausis” is apparently Olsen-speak for ‘lapsus linguae’ is the only Latin phrase I know so I had to make this one up.” Don’t know where he got it from but as near as I can tell it doesn’t mean anything in Latin.
I often found Swank funny; this guy is just a loathsome toad. I hope you won’t make me feel like an intolerant bigot for not accepting his repugnant and malodorous abomination of a writing style. Seriously, I feel like I should take two showers tonight–with bleach.

“Januis clausis”–we pedants prefer “ianuis” as “j” is an 18th Century development–means “behind closed doors”, literally “with doors closed”. It leads us to a further suspicion that Mr. Olsen’s Latin is ecumenical rather that Classical; besides that “j” there, “ianuis clausis” is used to describe not just the meetings of the College of Cardinals when chosing a new Pope, but, theologically, the view that Jesus was born without destroying His mother’s hymen, which would really be icky blown up to Jumbotron proportions.

By the way, what’s with “Cal Poly etc.” ? New nickname for their sports teams? A satellite campus? Or just Mr. Olsen showin’ off some more of his Latin mastery?

While Swank was spiteful – especially where Obama was concerned – and definitely a bigot of jumbotron proportions, I always got the feeling that the ol’ pastor really was trying to get us all heaven-bound, whether you wanted to be saved or not. In comparison, this new guy is just an evil, vicious dickhead. He’d be happy to see your soul cheese and the rats eating it.

I very much doubt that a new Grant Swank will ever be found. He is one tough act to follow.

Wait…WoC is from my hometown?

I saw this litter…er, letter the other day. I only made it about halfway through before I gave up….

While not quite as Swankalicious as the original article, this guy’s extreme preoccupation with Teh Gheys and “sodomitical copulation” definitely put him in the running. He also has that certain air of incoherent gasbaggery that’s so essential.

I dunno, there’s something about Swank’s writing which stopped just short of outraging me. One only had to read about 2 sentences to realize he is “Not of this World”, or if he is, he was using automatic writing to take down the Plutonian’s comments. Which had a *lot* of static, don’t ya’ know.

Dropping lots O’ Latin bits, eh? And much obsession with teh buttsecks as well? I’d say we have a middle aged catholic with some possible “unpleasantness” with da priest in his childhood, working out his issues in public, though not yet aware that this is actually what he is doing. This one bears watching.

I think this was a flash in the pan. He obviously got inspiration from the Jumbotron…by the way, I wonder how he feels being a “Faggie Aggie” fan, as the Houston Cougars call them…and he got on a roll.

Swank has mastered, thru several years of toiling, of being able to summon up his hate on demand.

S’Wank? Why yes, it is.

Gary, Gary, Gary. I don’t think “amidst” was the word you were looking for, and the vibe is going to be pretty funky if you didn’t douche before using it. Just ask Bill O’Reilly.

I’ll have to ask my brother and his partner if they are fanny bandits because that is definitely a new one on me.

Outside the US, they would be anything but.

Doghouse Riley:
“Januis clausis” [...]theologically, the view that Jesus was born without destroying His mother’s hymen

Well, among the Heavenly Host, the angel Gabriel is referred to as “needledick” behind his back.

Hmmmm…Olsen is a big fat ol’ Mormon name (and Scandinavian too, of course). And a quick “Google” shows that Cal Poly lost badly to…The Utah State Aggies!

So I’m guessing this guy is yet another repressed, barely closeted self-loathing queen Mormon who is still smarting from fanny bandits totally stealing his ass (and his heart!) during that degraded weekend in San Francisco which he lies to his wife about: “I was only there to see how terrible all those blowjobs were!”

And felt all triumphant giving to the Yes on 8 crowd thinking that would finally set his mind “straight”. That is, until he found himself trying to take in a totally het game at the local university where young male co-eds sprint up and down a court, half-naked and sweating…Only to realize that the Jumbotron could be speaking to him, if it were showing something DIFFERENT!

“…sodomitical copulation? Sit and reflect on that for a moment … Still think your viewpoint’s kosher? (Without even explaining what that means, the term even sounds gross all on its own.)”

“Kosher” sounds gross all on its own? So not only is he a homophobe, he’s also anti-Semitic?

Swank’s too busy writing his 72-million part online comic, Rise of Mask Muslims. The art on the Womb Human Army is really pretty remarkable.

See you next week, same Allah time, same Allah channel.

Outside the US, they would be anything but.

What I find funny about that is cause according to the link, fanny is slang for vagina.

@David in NYC: He’s actually referring to his own little neologism there, not “kosher.”

I’ve never heard the insult “fanny bandits” but it sounds like “butt pirates” which I’ve heard from a fair number of assholes (ba dum-TISH). I don’t know what either of them are supposed to mean, but they sound nasty and that’s enough for the typical gay-hater, I guess.

So, he sits enjoying a game and its all ruined because someone running the Jumbotron is making him think of sex and stuff and suddenly out of nowhere he smells butt sex. Then he feels icky. He blames the butt sex people for making him feel icky and weird.

He feels caught in a vortex of ass odor, pungent and hanging. He tries to redirect himself, but the essence, the malodorous aromas won’t go away.

No! He wont’ go there! No! They don’t have a right to make him feel all icky and weird and make his mind wonder.

The end.

Far too easy to untangle the true thread beneath this guy’s tome, unlike the true Swank whose motives, like most deep wingnuts seem completely to elude me.

What I find funny about that is cause according to the link, fanny is slang for vagina.

Er, my point in its entirety.

Two nations divided by a common language, and all that.

Sodomitical copulation doesn’t even sound gross. It sounds like a legal term.

“Pretentious Catholic git.”

DA, have I told you lately that I love you?

“Well, among the Heavenly Host, the angel Gabriel is referred to as ‘needledick’ behind his back.”

Mentis, you already know how much I adore YOU, but this is definitely the Redi-Whip on the hot chocolate.

BTW, “Sodomitical copulation” DOES sound gross, but only in that it is a gross and negligent abuse of the English language. This pompous cathlick-skool jackass is far too obsessed with teh buttsecks to even pay attention to SIMPLE SPELLING AND USAGE. Pathetic. Teh cathlick skool kids are always so smug about their “superior” educations, but apparently, this one’s been so far away from anything even remotely educational for so long, he thinks that he can just MAKE SHIT UP.

I’d give both of my gravitationally-challenged tits to bring his vicious ruler-wielding penguins back from the undead, just to beat the shit out of him all over again for that particular grammatical crime.

As for the rest of the letter and the rest of this… “person,” (to use the term very loosely) I have two thoughts:

1. S. Z., when did you move down here to Hillbilly HellHole, West Redneckistan?!?!!? If I’da knowed you was comin’, I woulda baked a cake! Though, actually, this abortion of a “letter” reads more like the “columnists” in the local rag than the letter-writers, sad to say. An entire half-page is devoted to a strip-mall-church “preacher” and his demented ramblings (sorry to say, it’s not available online for worldwide mockery) and the rest of it is devoted to hate-mongering, mouth-breathing, chest-thumping pre-Baby-Boom republicunt dinosaurs who are so far removed from reality that they think people actually READ their shit.

2. This lowlife mongrel excuse for a biped is wasting my oxygen. Please forward his home address to me as soon as possible, as it’s obviously going to be a long road trip, what with hauling the woodchipper and all. Nope, there’s no hope of rehabilitation, education, or enlightenment for a crispy critter like this, one who is so blatantly PROUD of his ignorance, idiocy, and fear of reality.

Were this MY version of “A Handmaid’s Tale,” he’d have been out in the colonies, cleaning-up toxic waste for the past decade. Let us all hold hands and hope to the universe that he never had the opportunity to pollute the gene pool by reproducing. If ever I’ve seen a perfect reason to create retroactive abortions, this douchebag is it. Rarely am I left short of descriptives or epithets to describe a republicunt asshole, but this motherfucker is beyond even my literary skills. Or maybe beneath. There’s really nothing more to be said about this fucktarded goat-sucker, because he’s not even qualified to be called a “human being,” the arrogant cunt-fart.

I never thought that anybody could make Swank or Giles look “intelligent,” even relatively, but this moron makes them look like they really DID earn legitimate college degrees.

but this is definitely the Redi-Whip on the hot chocolate.
If this phrase means what I think it means, then I hope it means something else.

Thanks Annti, but I’m dust under the wheels of such as this:

My dear mad circus freak, I am beginning to find your intellectually impoverished diaper-wetting rather tedious. Perhaps you might stop behaving like a hopelessly naive neo-bolshy wingnut.

Bloody tiresome knuckle-dragging mouthbreather.

So do I, Herr Doktor, so do I. Whipped cream from an aerosol? Barbaric!

200 ml of fresh cream, a teaspoon of castor sugar, and a soupçon of elbow grease – that’s the way to do it.

See if I complement YOUR ungrateful Kiwi butt any time soon… :::hmph!!!:::

Nice ref, DA. Though before he did that awful ABBA movie, I was rather fond of that particular blue-eyed Mick.

So this guy says if I’m against Prop 8, I should think about gay sex, and that’ll make me change my mind?
Lemme try that…
(Goes off to think about Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki commintting “Wincest”)

Nope. Didn’t change my mind about it at all. ;)
What a lame argument.

unspeakable and despicably does promise alliterative joy in droves, but winning one game don’t make a pro.

And I believe that malodorous has only been used effectively by M. Python in the Abuse Sketch.

Dear Editor:

So I’m sitting there watching a ballgame, after spending the afternoon working on my truck, drinking a beer and thinking straight thoughts, and all of a sudden I’m forced to start thinking about gay sex. About how how terrible it would be to watch Chad’s gleaming body as he steps out of the shower, the water droplets clinging to the fringe around his plump manhood, tawny back muscles moving with ease as he towels himself off and strides toward the bedroom, where I…I mean Troy…awaits, needful and expectant, supine on the bed.

I mean, what’s up with that?

…Do go on, Me.

Insert hung Chad h— uh, I mean, insert hanging chad pun here. Damn.

If a cold begins with a sniffle, what does The Gay begin with? There must be some early symptoms.

…Do go on, Me.

Left by annejumps on December 11th, 2008

I agree, please continue!

Maybe Mr. Olsen is really this guy:


Don’t leave us hanging, Me!

Um, Bill?

If “Me” left you “hanging,” so to speak, then didn’t that steamy prose kinda, well, miss the point???

After all, if you were TRULY “into” the imagery there, I’d assume that “Me” left you, well, let’s see… hmmm… “hoisted upon your own petard,” so to speak?

(We don’t need to go into any old, long stories, just suffice it to say that I’ve penned a pornographic story or three in my day, and “hanging” was DEFINITELY not the intent of the content…)

Oh, and Goldfive: I called dibs on Messier back in ’93, dammit!!!

Rangers Win!!! Rangerrrrssss Winnnnn!!!!!!


Good times, good times… *sigh*

Also, I read that piece by Pat Boone

Man, I just LURVVVED his Swedish death metal phase. Plus, he’s WAY gay.

Gee, THANKS, Rugged, for bringing THAT video clip back from the way-back far corners of the storage-space attic in my head.

I thought that I’d been able to successfully REPRESS that memory, of Pat & some hair-band douche on the MTV MVAs, with Pat looking all tanning-bed orange and well-oiled shaved & shiny, flexing and bobbling his saline-injected pectoral muscles under the cheap-ass pleather gay-bondage vest, his poorly-applied stick-on tattoos fluttering in the wind from his cavernous maw of ignorance. Thanks EVER SO, for bringing THAT projectile-vomit-inducing little memory.

Expect Mormons on your doorstep at dawn, bearing gifts and damned insistent on sharing the “word of gawd” with you, kiddo. That was an unforgivable offense there, bucky, and it’s gonna cost you a 55-gallon drum of Clorox and a case of S.O.S. pads to scour the horror from my mind AND corneas.

HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!?!??!?!!!!!

And throw two or three hundred in small bills in there, too (see the paypal button on Mark Of The Beast, link in my profile/posting nic here), ’cause I’m gonna have to go back into therapy after THIS shit.

for bringing THAT projectile-vomit-inducing little memory BACK.


Damn, I penned the most awesome Penthouse Forum story in history, a tale so erotic that it would’ve given even totally straight guys wood, but the comment got eaten.

Oh well, sorry folks.


Why do I suddenly think “jumbotron” means something different to him than it does to the rest of us?

Forget Swank, I want regrettable foods back!!

Sorry I’m late for the party…

I should not have to feel like I am some kind of intolerant bigot for not accepting your repugnant and malodorous abomination of a lifestyle.

Funny thing, though – christians seem to be quite affronted when I tell them something similar when they bring their religious insanity into my general vicinity. And they get real pissed when I tell them I have problems accepting their repugnant and malodorous abomination of a lifestyle.

Something to say?