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Conservatives continue to astonish America with their highly variegated responses to Obama’s victory.  Erick (the Red Vine) Erickson is calling for an intra-Movement massacre, a bloody purge that is destined to go down in history as “The Night of the Long Knives and the Short Bus.”  David Brooks has contracted such an advanced case of Stockholm Syndrome that his mewling, mumbling renunciations of all previously held values and convictions evokes a Moscow Show Trial featuring the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.  And Dick Morris was so bereft on Tuesday that shortly after midnight he broke into a spasm of sobbing so abrupt and violent that he aspirated a hooker’s foot.

But other conservative commentators aren’t in a mood to grieve, navel-gaze, or shave the heads of collaborators; some, like Kyle-Anne Shiver of Pajamas Media are just plain furious at nature’s nobleman, John McCain and his tendency to treat his debates with Senator Obama not as dirty street-fighting, but as acts of courtly love.

Honestly, if I should hear the word “gracious” applied to John McCain’s concession speech even one more time, I may throw the biggest hissy fit ever seen this side of the Mississippi.

In reality, however, it isn’t the concession speech that has me riled. It’s the unavoidable reality that Senator McCain attempted to be graciousness personified throughout his campaign.

If one thing about McCain’s performance in the 2008 presidential campaign is remembered, it will certainly be his graciousness.  That, and his incessant booty calls on that plumber guy.

McCain has said plainly on more than one occasion that when he looks into Putin’s eyes, he sees KGB. McCain knows full well that Putin, in a suit playing friendly diplomatic statesman, is a front for an old KGB power-mad goon.

But somehow he couldn’t see that behind Obama’s equally friendly suit was a “thug” in “phat pants” who wore “bling” and carelessly “let the dogs out.”

John McCain understands the evil and the determination of our Islamo-fascist foes far, far, far, far better than Barack Obama. There is no doubt whatsoever about this.

Actually, I kind of doubt that third “far,” although I agree with the fourth one, but think you shouldn’t have italicized it.

John McCain has ferociously and often that when it comes to our war with Islamo-fascism, “we will never surrender. They will.” On the will and persistence which will be required to defeat these mullahs, intent on establishing their worldwide fascist caliphate, McCain obviously gets it. [...]

But he did underestimate the guile of Barack Obama.

It’s sort of like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, except this time we’re seeing Othello through Iago’s eyes:  The story of a decent, hardworking white guy done in by a devious Moor.

My own opinion was formed over the past year as I looked at the man, Barack Hussein Obama, in public giving perfectly choreographed speeches with the aid of his teleprompter and professional speechwriters, while he fumbled and stumbled and misspoke and spoke inartfully every time he was without his props.

“Oh wait — no — sorry.  I was thinking of Gallagher.”

My opinion only hardened every time I heard Obama inventing relatives out of whole cloth to add flourish to his carefully constructed, oh-so-American narrative.

Nothing more American than a cloth Granny.  Mine’s made out of gingham.

Lies by any other name … still lies.

Now would be a good time to sign up for Kyle-Anne’s writing seminar:  Using Punctuation To Create Suspense In Sentences That Would Otherwise Be Too Ungrammatical To Serve As Dialogue In A Charlie Chan Movie.

My opinion was gradually set in steel as I read and studied and pored over Obama’s own books.

And once Kyle-Anne’s opinions are set in steel, you can just forget dissuading her.  She’s a woman of concretey resolve.

Barack Obama has lived 47 years. In all that time, he has presented himself in public as a multi-dimensional symbolic figure, self-anointed as far more special than any of his actual deeds have ever — even in a single instance — validated as reality. If ever there was a more enigmatic figure in American public life, I have yet to discover him.

The Hamburglar.  He’s been in the public eye for 37 years, and we still don’t know his true identity!

And so, my own final judgment of this campaign is that John McCain’s failure to assess the depth of his opponent’s desire for power — power for its own sake — was his own fatal flaw.

And the moment of truth in this campaign:

When Larry King asked John McCain less than a week before the election whether he believed Barack Obama was a socialist, McCain firmly answered, “No.”

In fact, he should have said, “Verily, I do not know what Barack Obama is and neither does anyone else, except perhaps the man himself.”

McCain should also have appeared on Larry King in a slashed leather jerkin over a peascod-bellied doublet with ruff and pansied slops, but I guess he just wasn’t serious enough about winning.

To which McCain might have added for extra flourish — and perhaps hundreds of thousands of votes for himself:  “If he walks like a socialist, and quacks like a socialist, then there is very good reason to assume that he is a socialist.”

Then, with a final flourish, McCain might have laid his hip cloak over a mud puddle and invited Larry to walk across it.

For this, one needs no education, but he does need a grain of common sense. Pure common sense —

– which can be deadly, but the street value is enormous!

…common sense not defiled by the ongoing, ubiquitous reeducation camp we euphemistically refer to as political correctness.

This is also known as being “cut” or “stepped on,” and in addition to political correctness, common sense is frequently diluted with mannitol or baby laxative.

John McCain, in this contest of your life, your own misplaced sense of graciousness defeated you. And I am truly saddened that we will never have the benefit of your service as our commander in chief.

That is settled; it is now history. What remains to be seen is what your own error will cost the American people, for whom you refused to be the Patton we needed.

We needed a warrior, not a wimp, and if you’d just waited until after the election to reveal you weren’t the warrior we needed, then we could have had you as our Wimp-in-Chief instead of That One.  Thanks, John.  Thanks a lot.  Loser.

27 Responses to “If Only McCain Had Gone Negative! Damn His Nobility!”

Wow. And I thought BUSH Derangement Syndrome was bad…

Kyle-Anne just sends a Shiver down me backbone.

This Gooper nutjob is perfect evidence that the only forum her ilk should be allowed is in the mental health facility’s dayroom.

Also pro-Pattonists like our gurl would curl up and dissolve into dust the first time SHE received that ole glove slap of reality.

Um…how does this woman know that all of Obama’s relatives are invented and all his stories are lies?

Especially since he’s so “enigmatic”?

I would like to propose that when the next Congress convenes, that the first order of business is to pass a law that states that anyone who uses the term “islamo-fascist” non-ironically is to be declared to be too stupid to be allowed in public without a keeper and shall have all internet access blocked to protect the rest of us

She’s just pissed because he’s not available.

Thank God McCain is such a gracious campaigner, otherwise the big jump in threats to Obama’s life as recorded by the Secret Service, coincident with the increasingly intolerant tone of McCain/Palin rallies, might have resulted in a truly unspeakable outcome.

Like I said, thank god McCain is such a gracious campaigner.

I guess I haven’t been to Pajamas Media in a while. Is the site down, or does it always suck this bad? Nothing would load except the ads.

Oh well, who cares. What I wanted to look at was this statement: “If ever there was a more enigmatic figure in American public life, I have yet to discover him.” Just going by politicians, I can think of a whole host of them who were much more enigmatic than Obama. Off the top of my head: Thomas Jefferson, Aaron Burr, Lincoln, FDR, Richard Nixon. Hell, even W.

the ongoing, ubiquitous reeducation camp we euphemistically refer to as political correctness.
I guess the re-education she received in this camp did not include the concept of ‘hyperbole’.

Nothing more American than a cloth Granny. Mine’s made out of gingham.
Luxury! Luxury! When I were a lad, I had to make do with a crash-test dummy and a medical-training mannequin for a family!

Actually there’s a series of children’s books where the characters are all stuffed cloth dummies, animated by willpower and habit. Can’t remember the title off-hand.

his mewling, mumbling renunciations of all previously held values and convictions evokes a Moscow Show Trial featuring the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.
I hope you will find opportunities to use this line again in the future.

Even now, a week after the election, I find it so cute that the right-wingers keep trying to trace McCain’s failure back to one little thing – as if there was only one thing wrong with his campaign. Sure, he and his people were implying that Obama was a socialist for weeks, with some of his surrogates claiming it outright. While that had no effect on Obama’s massive lead in the polls, I’m sure that if McCain told Larry King that Obama was a socialist just one more time it would have changed the minds of hundreds of thousands of voters. Well, it would have! If he’d have just clapped harder his campaign would have succeeded!

At least Kyle-Anne is certifiable. Brooks is a disingenuous little toady too cowardly to own up to his own words.

(Dunno, Scott, whether you’d seen today’s column, or if you were still as dumbstruck by that comedy routine from Saturday as I. First he “dreams” of a Democratic majority that’s more like him, except, y’know, this one fixes the results of unfettered capitalism instead of championing them. Now he moans that the ugly bullies on the Right are going to continue to dominate the GOP he’s spent the past twelvemonth trying to convince us was oh so ideologically diverse, until their continued defeats (at the hand of someone else, of course) reveal the wisdom of transforming itself into–wait for it–something more like David Brooks.)

Damn, this girl is still working on the case of malt liquor she popped open last Tuesday evening. She’s talking stupider than the repub retards that whine and taint my favorite watering holes, pissing me off no end. (Yeah, I’m surprised, too, at how easily pissed off I get.)

And my relatives aren’t cloth; they’re all the blow up variety, and decorate my home and vehicle, always keeping me company.

HarpoSnarx

I have nick envy again.

I wonder if those Pajamas Media come with footies?

Cuz this is one fucking tantrum straight out of the playbook of a two-year-old.

Nothing more American than a cloth Granny. Mine’s made out of gingham.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair? I could use a cambric shirt. Kthanxbye…

And my relatives aren’t cloth; they’re all the blow up variety, and decorate my home and vehicle, always keeping me company.

I bounce them in the kitchen and I bounce them in the hall.

John McCain has stated ferociously and often that when it comes to our war with Islamo-fascism, “we will never surrender. They will.”

Yeah, i’m sure people who are willing to blow themselves up in the name of their God will totally be impressed by our will to blow them up in the name of our God and will surrender accordingly.

And when that doesn’t happen, I’m sure all of us who are called by people like Shiver as decadent deviants who enjoy booze, sex, reading, art, dancing and libertinism will bow down to Sharia law after they invade us somehow.

his mewling, mumbling renunciations of all previously held values and convictions evokes a Moscow Show Trial featuring the Muppets’ Swedish Chef.

I agree with herr doktor, this is one you need to trot out more often.

I agree with herr doktor, this is one you need to trot out more often.

Or, to put it in the lingo…

Hun derberd mit her derktor, dessun yer shed ooze mer ften, BORK BORK BORK!

Does this mean America has to wait until Jan. 21 to surrender? Or can it be done preemptively?

Chadors make me hot, dammit! I demand all women dress in them from now on!

Of course, if some guys dressed in them, who could tell? Oh, no! Sharia law could make you subconsiously GAY! It’s a nightmare!

I grant amnesty to Americans clinging to partisanship over country. You are now free to work to solve problems, you no longer need to point them out … there are plenty in queue at this time. You are free to be courteous and kind to all people. Choose a problem and stick with it – don’t stray, mix, or muddle – until it is resolved. The American way is to overcome difficulties. The American way is to trust but verify, not doubt then belittle. Americans were once optimistic, believing in man and law. I grant amnesty. Now, what will you do with this new freedom?

I’ve seen a lot of ideas, plans, and endeavors, what I haven’t seen much of is a plan allowed to run uninhibited. You see, I have this quirky idea that goes something like this:
We all want to get to the same place.
We all want to get there our own way.
We all argue about how to get there but compromise in the interest of moving sort-a forward.
We all then complain because we haven’t gotten to that same place yet.
I see it as simple – Allow the one in charge to make decisions, then follow.

Everyone thinks they are the smartest person on the planet, with all the answers, and all the right passions. Reminds me of the people with 5 foot long utensils for hands/arms who starved. Also reminds me of the ones who lived because they figured out to fed each other.

Rhetoric and spin are useful and disgusting. Useful if you use it for good …

The last good Republican has turned into a crazy zombie. Figures.

Poor girl, hung up on the joy of deceiving people so she can feel superior, needs some R & R so she can find herself again. I know this cannot be who she really is, because it would imply that she had terrible parents.

I, too, am confused about all this sudden enigmatism being trotted out. Weren’t we told that Obama was the most liberal of all of Senators based on his voting record? What, did that all just evaporate one fine evening?

And David Brooks? Values and convictions??? I’d say he was trying to be enigmatic with some smarmy Cheshire Cat smile, but it won’t work — he’s effin’ transparent already in his biases.

Isn’t the Hamburglar’s long-time “companion” [damn you Prop. 8] Mayor McCheese ?

You would think so, H-Bob, but it’s actually Grimace.

“…quacks like a socialist”?

Something to say?