Welcome to our occasional series in which we attempt to answer the burning Google (and one Bing) queries bringing the inquisitive to World O’ Crap.
1. is “jesus fucking christ” blasphemy
That’s a good question, Billy, I’m glad you asked. If “fucking” is used merely as an intensifier to attract Jesus’ attention (he is, after all, a busy Christ), then you’re on safe theological ground, according to the First Ecumenical Council of Nicea. If, however, the word is used as a verb (i.e., you’re accusing Jesus of fucking Christ), such statements have been considered blasphemous since the Council of Chalcedon, which outlawed this form of ecclesiastical slash fiction and urged its adherents to get into something a little more wholesome, like a lesbian nun fetish.
2. medieval society Pageboy
As you may know, before I got into the business of poking gentle fun at internet wingnuts, I was the country’s leading scholar of feudal hairdos; and while that is not the raison of World o’ Crap, this site naturally reflects my academic expertise, just as Protein Wisdom is informed by the proprietor’s interest in semiotics, and martial arts in which the penis is used as a blunt object.
3. boy boner
We’d like to welcome a couple of celebrity guests here today: Former Representative Mark Foley, of Florida, and radio personality Rush Limbaugh, who very kindly took the time to visit World o’ Crap’s referrer stats while busily preparing for his next trip to the Dominican Republic.
4. Love not the world
Believe you me, dude…It gets easier every day.
5. Douche bags Attack. This actually sounds more like an order than a query. Something Cobra Commander might say, if he were the editor-in-chief of Townhall.com, or a producer on Fox and Friends.
6. roark titanium bicycle comments
When John Galt’s static electric engine is combined with Howard Roark’s titanium bicycle, America’s Captains of Industry will be able to Go Green as they Go Galt.
7. Diaphanous nightgowns
We’re actually the number one search result for this on Google, which just goes to show these last six years of our lives haven’t been wasted.
8. How to get a boner. Not quite sure how we became the go-to boner experts (can a summons to appear on FoxNews and discuss Bill Clinton be far behind?), but yes, to answer your query, O Seeker of Internet Knowledge, How to get a boner is a remake of Richard Lester’s classic look at the Sexual Revolution in Britain, The Knack…and How to Get it. In this version, the social competition between mods and rockers is replaced by the tension between Viagra users and impotent men who prefer the more homeopathic Enzyte.
9. British woollen underpants
Because nothing goes better with a diaphanous nightgown and Wellington boots to complete the perfect sexy ensemble. Who needs Viagra?
10. “I was a lug”
Pilgrims in quest of the truth who type this string are rewarded with my Koufax Award-winning 9-part series, detailing my personal journey from LUG, or “Lesbian Until Graduation,” to my present status as a well-adjusted, heterosexual man with a happy marriage and a lesbian nun fetish.
Well, as you’ve probably noticed by now, explaining these search strings only begets more search strings, but hey, you can’t blame a guy for trying to drum up traffic.