John Hawkins of Right Wing News thinks Republicans should insist on the ouster of Leon Panetta, claiming the CIA Director stepped irrecoverably and unforgivably beyond the bounds of civility when he joked about Alex Rodriguez impregnating Dick Cheney, which is certainly a fair point.  But then, in a remark so off the top of his head it’s practically a form of self-trepanation, he adds:

Meanwhile, people across the world are looking to Iran and scratching their heads, wondering if the CIA has done anything to help the people.

Eric Cantor excoriated the Obama Administration for their low-key response, but only John Hawkins had a sufficient grasp of international relations to stand up for the Special Relationship between Iran and the CIA.

Revenge of the Nerds | 14 Comments »

Over at the Daily Dish, Andrew Sullivan drew a parallel between voter suppression tactics pushed by Karl Rove, and the apparent electoral fraud perpetrated by the Ahmadinejad administration.

Ahmadinejad’s bag of tricks is eerily like that of Karl Rove – the constant use of fear, the exploitation of religion, the demonization of liberals, the deployment of Potemkin symbolism like Sarah Palin

Meanwhile, Confederate apologist Robert Stacy McCain has gotten his antebellum bloomers in a twist over this affont to the honor of Mrs. Todd Palin by a notorious sodomite:

I went outside, smoked a cigarette, then took a shower and ate a pizza and now, an hour later, I’m still agog at the wretchedness of Sully’s phrase, “Potemkin symbolism like Sarah Palin.” Sully attributes this to Rove — as if the governor of Alaska were self-evidently a signature “Rovian” tactic — and then says it is part of a “bag of tricks is eerily like that” of Ahmadinejad. Or vice-versa, actually, but the idea of moral equivalence is there.

How? Why? I’m scratching my head. Given that hyperbolic extremity of ad hominem is sort of a speciality of mine, and that I am a three-time nominee for Sully’s “Malkin Award,” you might think I’d have the kind of insight necessary to reverse-engineer a thing like this.

I’ve been irked by things I’ve read on the internet, sure, but I’ve never had to frantically pace the breezeway, sucking on a Salem, then scrub myself pink with a loofah and wolf down a Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine Three Meat Pizza before I could compose myself and sit back down at the computer.

WTF? I look at phrase, and try to figure out exactly what Sully means by it. “Potemkin villages” were the cruel propaganda hoax by which the Soviets sought to convince naive foreign visitors that everything was hunky-dory in the worker’s socialist paradise.

Zing!  Ouch!  Damn, McCain, your superior grasp of history has totally nailed Sully…give or take a century.  The “Potemkin village” was a (probably apocryphal) ruse attributed to Grigory Potemkin, who allegedly tried to deceive his girlfriend, Catherine the Great, about the value of her conquered real estate in the Crimea during the campaign of 1787.  Inconveniently, Potemkin died in 1791, about 130 years before the Soviet Union was created, but I’m sure the Prince was a total Commie.

I Pity the Fool | 14 Comments »

It will probably come as no surprise that Jonah (I’m Rubber and You’re Fascist) Goldberg has been in the forefront of disavowing, Mission: Impossible-style, the wingnut bona fides of Holocaust Museum shooter James von Brunn.  You also won’t be astonished to hear that a few bloggers have taken issue with his assumptions and obfuscations, with the sad, but inevitable result that Jonah has been served.  With an apple in his mouth.

But Jonah takes his responsibilities as editor-at-large of NRO seriously, and never makes assertions he cannot back up with incontrovertible facts and thoughtful analysis.

First, I should say that my email to David Weigel was in haste as I was on a deadline and had just made a train to New York with my daughter in tow.

“I’m not stupid…I’m busy!”

And, as fruitless and overheated as the Obama birth certificate thing has become, I’m at a loss as to how it is racist (and I reject liberalism’s relentless insistence that racism = rightwing).

“I believe I’ve proved my point by demonstrating conclusively that I don’t understand yours.”

I can assure you  that you’d be hearing the same arguments about Obama’s eligibility for office if all the facts were same, except that he was white.

I don’t recall Atlas Shrugs shrieking that McCain, born in the Canal Zone, was an ethnic Panamanian and the illegitimate child of Manuel Noriega, but in this case I don’t really need facts — I’ve got Jonah’s assurance.

As for Neiwert, as usual, he is so beholden to his cartoonish version of fascism that he’s being intellectually dishonest.

Intellectual dishonesty is a sign of latte-sipping elitism.  Real Americans are just dishonest.

Finally, Jonah unravels the perplexing skein of claim and rebuttal, and like a latter day Arachne weaves an illuminated tapestry of truth:

I did not know the stuff about the Noontide press  and, contrary to all of my instincts, I will take Neiwert at his word that that’s all true and fairly presented. But, I’m still hard-pressed to know what the point is.

‘Nuff said!

Revenge of the Nerds | 20 Comments »

Old WO’C favorite Sandy Rios, a Chicago radio host and occasional FoxNews Talking Wig Stand, takes time out of her busy Townhall column today to answer an important question:  What’s the collective noun for pagans?

It would take a missile’s laser focus to cut through the confusion and conflict concerning the murder of late-term abortionist, Dr. George Tiller.

These missile lasers are great for cuttin’ through interpersonal drama and emotional states of being!  I’ll never use my Sawzsall again!

Shot down in his church while ushering on a Sunday, the crime was shocking. The pro-abortion lobby is rightly grieving the loss of a colleague while strangely expressing no remorse for his thousands of little victims.

My that is strange.  Sure, most of his patients were women who were trying to bring a pregnancy to term, but who suffered complications that threatened their future fertility and often their lives, but then, you could say the same thing about cancer; and if a right wing nut shot and killed your oncologist for interfering with God’s will,  you’d at least have the good taste to apologize to the tumor.

The pro-life community is struggling to find the balance between relief that his death is saving lives and revulsion at the means by which they have been saved.

Dabbing at imaginary tears while tittering behind your handkerchief seems to strike the proper tone.

What about a mother who practices Satanism and believes in child sacrifice? Is our right to life guaranteed only by our mother’s individual belief system? Clearly-stated American principles alone would reject this view. The first inalienable right conferred upon us by our Creator—according to the Founding Fathers—was life … life… life.

Caller, can you turn down your radio?  Thank you.

Dr. Tiller was an usher in the Lutheran church…Why do the people who perpetrate this monstrous practice refer to the Christian God in their own defense—and insist on maintaining some sort of identity with Him? The Judeo Christian God is not the god of confusion, and he is not unclear on this issue of the murder of the innocent.

Let them be pagans and practice what pagans do. Let them refer to the gods and worship nature and pleasure and preach child sacrifice in their gathering places, but let them cease and desist all claims to the Judeo-Christian God.

Thanks to DRM, the Judeo-Christian God can only answer Region 1 prayers.

We should not succumb to the confusion of the pagans.

Or the pirates of the Caribbean.

Now let’s check in with another old friend of WO’C, Rachel Marsden:

An 88-year old by the name of James Von Brunn allegedly walked into DC’s National Holocaust Museum in Washington this week, mowing down a security guard. Are leftists going to feel the Holocaust Museum shooter’s pain and find ways to blame ourselves for this act of terrorism like they do when the “usual suspects” do such things? I bet not.

Wait, Rachel’s a leftist now?  Come on, she can’t have stalked everyone in the GOP already.

In the left’s view, this guy doesn’t have any boxes to tick off in the “victim” column. He’s white, male, and hence “privileged”. That’s how they see it. How do I know this? Because I’ve been called “privileged” enough times by leftists who don’t know a single thing about me beyond my skin color.

Rachel makes a good point.  Before we leap to conclusions about how “privileged,” or “likely to to go on a shooting spree” she is, let’s take the time to really and truly get to know her.  S.z.’s already done the basic spadework for us:

In case you don’t recall Rachel, here’s a brief recap of her career:

In 1997 she seduced her swim coach at Simon Fraser University, stalked him when he tried to break up with her, then charged him with date rape when he tried to ignore her.  This was the case that put her on the map, in that it caused the coach to get fired, caused many good people a lot of unnecessary grief, and cost her college lot of money, both in dealing with the case, and then to reinstate and compensate the swim coach when the truth came out.

While at SFU, she also:

* Seduced then stalked one of her college professors.

* Seduced (in a non-sexual way) then stalked the college sexual harassment officer who helped her file her case.

After graduation, she decided that a career in wingnuttery was the one for her:  She went on to write columns for such no-rent sites as GOPUSA, and American Daily.  She claimed in her bio to have written for McLeans magazine and the National Post, but it later was discovered that her contributions consisted of a letter to the editor.  She was hired by Paul Weyrich’s Free Congress Foundation, but resigned after she was arrested for stalking again.

Read the whole thing.

But what’s Rachel been doing lately, besides seeking revenge on her ex-boyfriend by auctioning off his clothes on eBay?  According to her Townhall bio, she’s “a columnist with Human Events Magazine, and Editor-In-Chief of GrandCentralPolitical News Syndicate.”  Now, as for the first qualification, I’m pretty sure my cat has contributed columns to Human Events Magazine…

I’m a keen observer of human events, and to be honest…you people are morons.

But the latter credit sounds quite impressive and entrepreneurial — let’s check it out:

Welcome to Grand Central Political, the premiere website connecting people working in politics and political media directly with politicians, campaigns, public relations firms, and media outlets looking for both experts and new talent. We serve the USA, Canada, UK and France. Sign up for a free account to get your own professional webpage, or search for jobs and opportunities. Take control of your career and get discovered today. And if you like, you can upload your contributions to our bipartisan international political magazine and have your work seen by the top decision makers and employers.

So it’s like Monster.com for people whose resumes apparently aren’t good enough to post on Monster.com, with the added benefit to the user that he can while away the time he’s not getting a job by writing articles for which he won’t get paid.  Let’s see what’s in the Bipartisan International Political Magazine today:

From Susan Boyle To Hitler: Why Some Simply Can’t Hack Fame

By Rachel Marsden

Hm.  Okay then.  Reaching back into the archives, it appears there’s a grand total of eight articles in the “magazine,” six by Rachel Marsden (and one by Bernard Kerik, entitled “Obama Risks National Security With CIA Scrutiny,” in which the former Commish gives it to the Prez man-to-man, warning that if Obama exposes CIA methods and sources, the intelligence community will retaliate by exposing the President’s adulterous love nest overlooking Ground Zero, ’cause that’s what your enemies fuckin’ do to a man in this fuckin’ town!).  Still, I’m sure it’s a fast-growing new media enterprise that’ll prove to be the next Google, or Pets.com.  Let’s see if there’s still time to jump on the Grand Central Political IPO…

Wait — this can’t be right.  Rachel Marsden is an internationally known pundit who John Hawkins of Right Wing News considers the 15th Hottest Conservative Woman in New Media, and yet her website isn’t worth half of WO’C, which isn’t worth anything?!  (And John ought’a know, because he’s worth ten times what we are.)

So what have we learned about Rachel?  Well, she believes that Susan Boyle would make a world-conquering fascist dictator, if she was just a little less camera-shy (or, alternatively, we could have totally avoided World War II if Simon Cowell had only gone to the 1934 Nuremberg Rally and made snotty remarks about Hitler’s gesticulating).  Anyway, I believe we’ve done sufficient supplementary reading that we should now be able to comprehend the broad outline of Rachel’s Townhall column, if not its many nuances.

Every terrorist apparently has a giant axe to grind – one which the left is always happy to retrieve for them the second it’s misplaced, if they pick the right cause.

I tell ya, I couldn’t find my terrorist axe anywhere — but thanks to The Left, I made it to the grindstone just in time!  Now if I could just get some other metonym to find my keys and sunglasses…

Until now, as Rachel points out, liberals’ involvement in the Long War has been limited to recovering brobdignagian, yet missing axes, like a combination of Jason Voorhees and St. Anthony.  But now that they have a terrorist of their own to torture, we’ll see if they’re still so eager to shut down Gitmo.

if President Obama was looking for an excuse to keep Club Gitmo open – because the status quo is much easier than taking any action that could result in a screw-up, given that they often return to the battlefield upon release – he should just tell leftists that Von Brunn will be in there propping up the walls. Until he comes up with an excuse the left finds sufficiently self-serving, they probably wouldn’t even mind if he’s pushed against a hollow wall, put in a room with caterpillars and ladybugs, or given an aggressive face-washing by a federal agent.

If Bush and Cheney had actually been serious about protecting America, they wouldn’t have subcontracted the harsh interrogations to a couple of psychologists from Spokane; they would’ve jobbed it out to Rachel, who knows a thing a two about torturing a man.

Some are having a hard time categorizing Von Brunn.

I’m gonna say…”Animal”?

That’s what happens when you try to foolishly rationalize insanity.

Instead, you should follow Rachel’s example, and try to monetize it.

Live from the Asylum | 11 Comments »

I get the sense that many conservatives spent the early portion of the decade biting their tongues, and digging manicured nails into tender, uncalloused palms whenever Bush cozied up to Vicente Fox, or otherwise attempted to woo the Hispanic vote.  Now that That One has nominated One of Them to the Supreme Court, however, they can at last heave a sigh of relief, heft the Wiffle bat, and beat that piñata until the candy flows like blood.

Hispanic 101   [Heather Mac Donald]

NYU history professor Jonathan Zimmerman deconstructs the category “Hispanic” in today’s LA Times.  Richard Nixon gave it a push in 1970 in the ever-green hope of attracting Latinos to the Republican party:

“All Spanish-speaking Americans share certain characteristics — a strong family structure, deep ties to the church, which makes them open to an appeal from us,” wrote one GOP campaign strategist on the eve of Nixon’s 1972 presidential reelection bid.

Whatever the truth of the observation in 1972, let’s review the myth of the redemptive Hispanic today.  Fifty-three percent of all Latinas under the age of 20 have been pregnant at least once, virtually always outside of wedlock.

Today’s GOP would really prefer you rotund, milky-boobed, baby-making sluts not vote for them.  But if you must, at least get an abortion first.  No, wait –!

An official with the Pew Hispanic Center recently recounted to me the gang violence and ubiquitous teen pregnancy in his former high school on the east side of Los Angeles.

In this rumble, our chief weapons are fear, stereotype, and anecdote!

Such social facts do not help California’s budget situation.

It’s because teenagers with Spanish surnames are fecund that we require a 2/3 majority to pass a tax increase in this state.

Zimmerman amusingly calls Sonia Sotomayor “one of the most qualified nominees in the history of the Supreme Court,”

Yeah, the idea of putting a Latina on the Supreme Court is a lot like the concept behind that “dogs playing poker” painting: charming, but absurd.

Can I Peek Under Your Hood? | 14 Comments »

It’s a bit late and I have to get up early in the morning, so how about we just lightly graze some wingnuts before bed?  First, let’s check in with Nathan Tabor, who was called “the Young Jesse Helms” until it became apparent that even white people wouldn’t vote for him…

For many, many years the function of counting the number of US citizens and residents living in the US and its territories was non-political and free from manipulation by any political party.

However, according to critics of the President Barak Obama Administration, the Democrat Party…

Before we get into this, I’d just like to clarify something.  Is it the “critics” who can’t spell or cope with proper nouns, or is it the Young Jesse Helms who is taking our hand and leading us all into a bold, phonetic future?

One issue that strikes at the heart of the Obama Census plan is the counting of illegal immigrants as if there were citizens.

But then we woke up and realized there weren’t citizens…it was all just a sweet, crazy dream.  A dream of passports, and Selective Service forms, and jury summonses…

The liberal-left politicians want illegal aliens counted as American citizens in order to gather more votes, plain and simple. Recently in Georgia the high court struck down a law requiring voters to show proof of citizenship.

I’ll never forget when Elia Kazan was questioned by the House Un-American Activities about his membership in the Communist Party of the United States of America, and he saved himself from the Blacklist by fingering all the justices of the Georgia state Supreme Court.  The fink.

Now let’s drop by the Home and visit Carey (“the blue pill isn’t working!“) Roberts for a few minutes, before coming up with a lame excuse to leave early, and promising we’ll be back at Christmas.

Feminism the greatest evil: the repudiation of life

(Pssst!  I don’t know what that taxidermist charged for the job, but if I were you, I’d put a stop on the check.)

In the minds of many, evil is epitomized by Nazi Germany. An embittered Austrian corporal, a racist ideology, and an amoral eugenics movement all came together at the same point in human history, eventually spelling the deaths of six million Jews and others.

“But that ain’t nothin’ compared to uppity Filipino nurses who don’t seem to give a crap about the lumps in my oatmeal!”

Others view Communism as the far greater evil, a godless philosophy that eventually doomed many more millions of souls in the Soviet Union, China, Cambodia, and elsewhere.

Stalin, however, was a pantywaist compared to Margaret Sanger.  Anyway, as you’ve probably guessed, this is all about abortion.

All this is driven by the relentless march of radical feminism, which views abortion as a central sacrament to its destructive ideology.

And as sacraments go, aborted fetuses taste even worse than those wafers.

Just as slavery induced moral turpitude in the hearts of slave owners, abortion oppresses the soul of its advocates.

Good point.  And just suppose slave owners who raped their chattel then forced the slaves they impregnated to get abortions!  Imagine the turpitude!

Next up, RenewAmerica’s Marsha West (“Marsha loves to write fiction for the younger generation. She is currently writing a series of books about a Christian family and the cultural issues they face. Her books equip kids to defend their faith and live for Christ.”  I smell the next Harry Potter…!)

A new religion masquerading as Christianity, Part 1

Liberal “Christians” abhor “fundamentalist” Christianity so they cast it aside and adopt their own set of religious beliefs and values. Times have changed, after all, so they feel it’s incumbent upon them to bring Christianity out of the Dark Ages into our postmodern world. Christianity must shed its traditional, orthodox beliefs to blend in with the popular culture.

Their motto is, “If you destroy orthodoxy, they will come.”

Their motto used to be “One Awesome Calorie,” but it tested poorly with Anabaptists.

Before I came to know Christ in a saving way I was a liberal “Christian.”

I totally believe you.

As all liberals do, I molded Christianity into my worldview. Problem was I kept running into a road block — the Bible.

“Some prankster kept chocking my rear wheels with the Good Book so I couldn’t pull out of the driveway.”

As a radical feminist…

Sure. That seems likely.

I was unapologetically pro-choice and loved to spout off about a woman’s right to “choose” to have an abortion.

Gotta admit, it is fun.

Then one day I got into a discussion with a Christian friend who supported the pro-life position. In our discussions I proudly parroted all the pro-abortion talking points. What did this Christian do? She calmly and lovingly shredded my dogmatic assertions with the “sword of the Spirit,” the Word of God!

What would Jesus do?  He’d pull a shiv.

When I finally took my friend’s suggestion to read the passages that teach how human beings are formed I realized my feminist talking points were weak at best and surely didn’t hold water with God.

And you don’t want to piss Him off, because according to the Bible, God formed Woman by taking a rib from Adam, which means he operates the same way those organ traffickers do who steal kidneys from drunk tourists in Mexico.

Up until then I had the temerity to say things like, “I don’t agree with what the Church teaches on abortion.” What I was really saying was that I disagreed with our Creator!

Well, as Doghouse Riley says, you actually had a beef with “Bronze Age superstition.”

The clear teaching of Scripture holds that human life begins at the moment of conception.

And yet, according to Scripture the thing doesn’t get a soul for like 90 days, which I find creepy, because it’s like you’re gestating a little zombie.

More importantly, the Bible says God made humanity in His image. This should not be taken lightly.

Or literally.

My point is that most pro-aborts are unfamiliar with what God says about life.

If they really cared, they’d take the time to read His blog.

Hence, they make decisions based not on the Bible, but on feelings and emotions — and what’s politically correct!

Liberal Christians are as bad as Latina judges!

In a recent sermon on the importance of the Bible, Pastor Stan Way made the following observation:

“The Word of God is living and active, it’s not lifeless on a page.

Unlike the Constitution.

God’s Word is profoundly different from any other voice we hear. His Word is a profound demonstration of power.”

Through God’s creative Word the universe emerged from nothing! Pastor Stan explained that everything is held together by the sustained thought of Jesus Christ. “If He turned away, everything would disappear.”

Gee, I hope nobody distracts him.

To put it another way, Christ is the sustainer of all things. He creates life and sustains life. As I said, the Bible teaches that human life begins when sperm and egg collide. The physical size of the new life is of little consequence. Clearly it is a miniscule human being! Modern science agrees. An unborn child is a person!

Lady, you’re nuttier than a bag of Goobers.

What should matter to those of us who were lucky enough to make it out of the womb is that a microscopic embryo is a viable human person. Even professional basketball player Shaquille O’Neal, a giant in stature, was once a microscopic embryo!

Yeah…so was Warwick Davis.

This indisputable fact has fallen on the deaf ears of hard core pro-aborts. (President Obama, are you listening?) Mere mortals who meddle with the preborn will pay a high price for their folly!

I apologize for the deaf ears, but I tend to stop listening whenever someone shouts at me like they’re Sir Denis Nayland Smith addressing the Insidious Dr. Fu Manchu.

Get the Butterfly Net! | 23 Comments »

Our internet connection was down for about a day and a half, so I’m a little behind in my wingnuts, but popping into Townhall I immediately noticed they’re still blaming the Enlightenment for Playboy’s Party Jokes.

Ashley Herzog, author of the self-published, self-hatehelp book , is in a fierce, Valerie Solanas-grade rage over leftist chauvinism:

This year has been Misogyny Mania for liberals who claim to be “pro-woman.”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have picked the Washington State Gynophobes for my NCAA bracket.

First there was the character assassination of Miss California Carrie Prejean, in which liberals thought a deft response to her anti-gay marriage comments was to call her a slut.  By saying that marriage should be between a man and a woman, Prejean did nothing more than restate the official position of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John Kerry, Bill Clinton

Only the last of whom is a proven slut.

That’s how liberal woman-haters think. Male politicians are allowed to have opinions; young beauty pageant contestants aren’t.

Ever since the jackbooted liberals shut down the beauty queen think tanks, our national debate has become so shallow.

Meanwhile, Bishop Harry Jackson, chairman of the High Impact Leadership Coalition and senior pastor of Hope Christian Church in Beltsville, MD, was feeling sad that he had no shoes, until he met a vest that had no sleeves.

While ["pro-family"] groups meditate on the political ramifications of recent marriage regulations and decisions, new alliances are being formed and millions of nameless and faceless Americans will soon join the struggle to affirm biblical marriage.

Um, “nameless and faceless Americans,” Bishop?  So you’re recruiting an army of mindless zombies, hideously disfigured by decay, to beat back the tide of marriage-minded homosexuals?

Dude, that’s awesome!

The New Hampshire legislature muddied the waters in the marriage debate by attempting to throw the religious community a bone, declaring that conservative ministers would not be forced to perform same-sex marriages.

Despite the New Hampshire governor’s attempt to paint this as a compromise position, the religious services exemption is tantamount to giving pro “biblical” marriage proponents the sleeves out of one’s vest. In most cases openly gay people will not seek out conservative ministers to perform their weddings.

Hey, wasn’t that one of the religious right’s primary arguments against gay marriage — that clergymen would be forced to officiate at homosexual weddings, or go to jail?  And didn’t you just poke a big hole in it and let all the air out?  Personally, I think that’s great, but listen — if you see Maggie Gallagher?  Hide.

Knowledgeable pro-traditional marriage advocates understand that the real danger lies with the unintended consequences of gay marriage on the next generation…In California five-year olds are asked to become gay “Allies” and they can join such a club, which meets during breaks in their elementary classrooms.

Well, you can’t really blame that on gay marriage, since, thanks to you folks, we don’t have it in California.

What will the landscape of America look like if same-sex marriage is legalized across our nation?

Tidier?  Better color-coordinated?

According to the writings of Dr. Stanley Kurtz, nations who have gone this way see a dramatic increase in out of wedlock births, long-term singleness, and other symptoms of the devaluation of the institution.

So no change, then.  Damn.  I was hoping we could at least do something about these drapes…

Consider these statistics. Over half of Americans studied in a survey in 2001 by Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government believe that the high number of single-parent families is a major cause of poverty.

Consider these statistics:   “Most Americans believe that angels and demons are active in the world, and nearly 80 percent think miracles occur”

Repeatedly, scholarly studies focused on adolescence show that early onset of puberty in girls is a major problem.

And clearly, gay marriage is the culprit.  Back when homosexuality was the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name, girls were content to wait until 13 or 14 years of age before they rushed into menses; and they frequently put off lesbian experimentation until summer camp in high school, or even until they pledged a sorority, but these menstruating, boob-popping brats have apparently never heard of “delayed gratification.”

An eight year study of girls and their families showed that a father’s presence in the home, with appropriate involvement in his children’s lives, contributed to later pubertal timing of the daughters in the seventh grade.

In the old days, a father was a young girl’s ideal, a source of love, support, and guidance.  Now he’s mostly there as a hormone inhibitor, which — according to my brief survey of the medical literature — helps to prevent the apple of his eye from acquiring pubes or prostate cancer.

In conclusion, let me cite the fact that even former Vice President Al Gore sees the need for strong fathers to remain in the nuclear family.

Even that sexual anarchist Al Gore, with his retinue of common-law wives and litter of semi-feral bastards recognizes a role for fathers?  Can another Great Awakening be far behind?

Let’s set our sights high. Let’s not fall victim to the inevitability argument of our opposition.

Especially when we wake up in some strange, damp, and aromatic bed the morning after the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, still a little drunk, and naked except for a Bedazzled tank top and a pair of assless chaps made from Mylar.

Troll (Concern) | 20 Comments »

Since last fall, a multitude of wingnuts have filed writs of habeas data demanding Barack Obama surrender his birth certificate.  Undaunted by repeated failures in state and federal court, and unsatisfied by the Certification of Live Birth issued by the Hawaiian Department of Health and posted online by the Obama campaign, so-called Birthers continued their quest for the real document, the Magna Carta of county records, known to their fellow crusaders as a “long form” or “vault copy” birth certificate.  But with the Argus-eyed gaze of the media wandering away to fresher Republican-crafted chimeras — Look!  It’s the soul of Archie Bunker swaddled in the dusky skin of a Latina, like a racist pastele wrapped in banana leaves! — even the denizens of Townhall (motto: “Yes, we say a lot of crazy shit, but it’s not because we’re crazy; it’s just because we’re assholes.”*) have largely begun to lose interest.  But not World Net Daily.  Even as weaker wingnuts fall, Joseph Farah forges on like the youth who bore, ‘mid snow and ice/A banner with the strange device–Excelsior!

And now, after countless disappointments, his perseverance has at last been rewarded with incontrovertible proof that Obama is an unnatural born, xeno-usurper.

WASHINGTON – The Hawaiian certification of live birth Barack Obama posted on his campaign website and distributed to select news organizations as proof he was a “natural born citizen” would not be accepted as a “birth certificate” even for some Hawaiian state government eligibility issues, WND has learned.

Wow, that does sound bad.  You mean, despite what we’ve been told about the Certification of Live Birth, even the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider it sufficient identification for getting a drivers license, or renting porn movies?

The investigation follows a Honolulu Star Bulletin column Saturday, which quotes a state Department of Health spokeswoman as saying the state’s current certification of live birth is recognized “as an official birth certificate meeting all federal and other requirements.”

Longtime readers are well aware of the profound respect World O’ Crap holds for Joseph Farah and the luxurious pelt he cultivates between his lip and nose.  So you can imagine how deeply it pains us to suggest that Mr. Farah’s continuing demands for the “long form” birth certificate are perhaps a trifle disingenuous:

Okubo said the Health Department “does not have a short-form or long-form certificate.”

Okubo also emphasized the certification form “contains all the information needed by all federal government agencies for transactions requiring a birth certificate.”

Except — and here’s where Obama, like all super-villains, slips up — if you’re not content being the Leader of the Free World, and would also like to lease state land set aside for native Hawaiians in order to practice animal husbandry!

The website of the Department of Hawaiian Home Lands, however, states clearly the certification of live birth touted by the Obama campaign, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs and a host of other Obama defenders is not acceptable as a form of identification to qualify under this program.

Well, that settles it.  Barack Obama is not constitutionally eligible to serve as President because the state of Hawaii doesn’t consider him an autochthon for the purposes of homesteading:

Eligibility Requirements

To be eligible to apply for a Hawaiian home lands homestead lease, you must meet two requirements:

• You must be at least 18 years of age; and
• You must be a native Hawaiian, defined as “any descendant of not less than one-half part of the blood of the races inhabiting the Hawaiian Islands previous to 1778.” This means, you must have a blood quantum of at least 50 percent Hawaiian. This requirement remains unchanged since the HHCA’s passage in 1921.

The general rule of thumb in determining 50 percent blood quantum is to submit enough documentation tracing your genealogy to your full Hawaiian ancestor(s). Some applicants need only go back one or two generations – that is, to their grandparents.

Given that Obama never claimed to be a native Hawaiian, just native to Hawaii, and hasn’t thus far demonstrated any obvious interest in an agricultural or pastoral career, this may not prove to be quite the monkeywrench WND anticipates.  But perhaps a more important issue is why World Net Daily, after linking to a story explaining there is no such thing as a “long form birth certificate,” continues to insist that Obama release one.

Joseph Farah, WND editor and chief executive officer, launched a national billboard campaign last month in an effort to keep the issue before the American people. The billboards, being leased around the country, ask the simple question, “Where’s the birth certificate?” Farah is asking the public to support his campaign with donations. So far, more than $75,000 has been collected.

Oh…

[Said Farah] “The only obstacle to this campaign is raising the money necessary to make it truly a national phenomenon.”

Right.  Got it.

Your donation – from as little as $5 to as much as $1,000 – can be made online at the WND SuperStore. (Donations are not tax-deductible. Donations of amounts greater than $1,000 can be arranged by calling…

Okay!  Thank you!  We get the point…!

If you’d like to give as little as $5, or as much as $1000 to help this man rent more billboards in Louisiana and Pennsylvania in order to shame Hawaii into giving him a document that doesn’t exist, just remember:

This stuff doesn’t come cheap.

*h/t D.Sidhe

Wingnuts | 15 Comments »

Updated below
Over at American Thinker (“Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”), Ralph Alter has discovered that President Obama is the queerest girly-man who ever flounced through the Vermeil room:

Our First Female President?

And who is Ralph Alter, I hear you ask?  Why, he’s only the man who discovered that Colin Powell is a big super-queeny clutch purse full of queer-bait, that’s who!

No Closet Big Enough For Colin Powell-Democrat

Describing Colin Powell as a Republican is akin to describing Perez Hilton http://www.icelebz.com/celebs/perez_hilton/photo8.html as straight.

Some people will inevitably say, “Gee, that Mr. Alter sure seems to see a teh ghey wherever he looks.”  But describing Ralph Alter as a closet homosexual is akin to describing him as a man who knows how to properly construct HTML links.  Others may say, how can you imply that a man is secretly gay when he has a famously beautiful wife, two adoring children, and isn’t even a Republican?  Nevertheless, Ralph is an expert, so we owe it to ourselves to hear him out.

In the same sense that Toni Morrison claimed Bill Clinton was our first black president, Barack Obama could be thought of as another groundbreaker: our first female president. He displays every trope of femininity more than any female “who could ever be elected in our children’s lifetime” (to borrow Morrison’s phrase about Clinton).

I assume that he displays these feminine figures of speech using the dance language of Hula.

Obama is filled with sensitivity

Ralph, on the other hand, is filled with a creamy nougat.

(one might even say, empathy) he would rather talk than fight

As opposed to Bush, who would rather fight and lose a war, than talk and lose an argument.

…is highly (yet selectively) compassionate and to top it all off, he has a finely tuned sense of fashion.  B.O. attempts to collaborate with Europeans, South Americans, Muslims and nearly everyone except the citizens of red state America.

Well, to be fair, Europeans, South Americans, and Muslims aren’t always questioning his manhood or calling him a foreign-born Commie.  Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.

Oh, and his position on abortion and women’s rights is nearly identical to that of the Choicers at NARAL and NOW.

Just because the Pro-Life side is filled with men desperately trying to gain control of their opponents’ wombs doesn’t necessarily mean all of their opponents have one.

Ms. Magazine felt so simpatico with B.O. that he was featured on their special Inaugural issue cover

Wait, Ms. put a picture of the President on the cover of their Inaugural issue?  Who’s editing that piece of crap?

In addition, Obama has surrounded himself with women in most important security and foreign policy positions in his administration.  While some might choose to describe BO as our first metrosexual President, the clincher is that, consistent with all outward appearances, the Obama administration fights like a girl.

Whoa, you got your ass kicked by a girl?  That is weak, dude.  Look — let’s just tell everyone it was Wonder Woman who jumped you, or Xena, or even some random, pissed-off Amazon, ‘kay?

The Axis of Evil has certainly picked up on this.  Not a week goes by without Kim Jong-Il or Iran’s Ahmadinejad or  some other pipsqueak tin-pot wannabe figuratively bitch-slapping  the POTUS.  Every week another news story features another fascist thug playing the from the Three Stooges to .

As you see, Ralph carefully links to explanations of “bitch-slap,” “Moe,” and “Shemp,” so I guess he thinks we’re all girls, too.

Last week Little Kim East and the Mighty Mahmoud were like tag-team midget wrestlers ganging up on the sputtering Obie One.

As a side note, I’ve known a total of three people who felt the need to call everything and everyone by cute little nicknames — my mother, my grandma, and a girl I briefly dated in college who still kept stuffed animals on her bed.  Anyway Ralph, you were saying…?

Down South, Raul and Fidel Castro played their own brand of good cop/bad cop on our Dear Sensitive Leader, while their fellow Latin-American banana-republicans took turns exhorting President BO to join the Great Marxist Books Club and channeling Dennis Miller’s rants of yore with mucho hammering of America.

With the arsenal of the world’s sole remaining superpower  available to him, Obama sounds more like the U.N. Secretary General scrambling for the best euphemism to downplay each situation than a serious statesman with the greatest military and economic might on the planet to back him up.

The guy’s been in office over four months and he hasn’t started even one war yet!  And that guy Chavez gave him a book!  Hel-LO?  What the hell does this wimp need for a casus belli?!

No matter what other qualities our belligerent enemies might have, they are definitely men of action.  And regardless of our neophyte President’s desire to chat and make friends, the leaders of North Korea, Syria, Iran and Cuba remain our enemies.  No matter how many “stern warnings” and U.N. resolutions you can cook up with the gals down at the U.N. coffee klatch, these busy thugs will keep upping the ante precisely until action is taken against them.

If your erection lasts longer than four years, see your doctor.

Unfortunately, any meaningful action by this administration is highly unlikely, as Obama understands that many Democratic and independent voters, especially women, were eager to move from hard-power locker-room tactics to a soft-power sewing circle approach.

Real men stitch their trouser hems with automatic weapons.  While they’re wearing them.

Less towel-snapping and more towel color coordinating, less steroids and more sensitivity.

Remember, if your presidency isn’t a world-historical catastrophe, it means you’re a homo.

In comments, Li’l Innocent says, “Call me genderist, but I always want to see what guys who carry on this way look like. Would I (or anyone) WANT to towel-snap his bottom? Granted, I am not myself either Beyonce or Marilyn Monroe, to choose two ends of a possible icon-spectrum, but I don’t see why snooty objectifying of the other sex should be the exclusive province of grumpy unappealing males.”

Ralph Alter
In Anime they call this “Fanservice,” except you can’t see his panties.

Smell the Man Musk | 19 Comments »

Nothing has been heard from World O’ Crap spiritual adviser J. Grant Swank since May 1, and we were becoming fearful, since the only things on this earth which could interfere with his writing are serious illness, or good mental health.  Apparently, it’s not the latter.  Here’s the first paragraph:

That’s right.

Oh…Okay then, guess we’re done here.  Thanks for coming, everybody!

There’s enough evil in the world and enough nuclear blow up on the planet that by now we should have been blown to smithereens.

“Nuclear blow,” of course, is cocaine which has not been excessively cut with baking soda and Vitamin B.  “Nuclear blow up” is, I guess, an inflatable model of Chernobyl you can have sex with?

However, we are still here. Explain why.

And show your work.

It is because the God of the Bible made this creation and maintains it.

Which is why our HOA dues are so steep.

One day and hour He will leave the right hand of the Father’s throne in heaven to return to His turf.

Hopefully this time he won’t take a shiv to the gut from Bernardo at the end of the first act.

Because this is His property, He sees to it that it is still here. That’s the Alpha and Omega of the question: Why is the globe still spinning?

So basically the Earth is a dreidel God’s parents gave him for Hanukkah.  Let’s hope he doesn’t get bored with it, or distracted by those chocolate coins!

God has deemed it so. God is God. God has decreed that though the human population is wicked and the nuclear pantries are full to overflowing, no mortal will have the say as to what occurs on His property. The deed belongs to Him.

During the 50s and 60s, of course, God was a big fan of atmospheric nuclear testing.

If there is any proof that there is a God it is that the world is still here. That is empirical evidence.

Thanks, Francis Bacon.

Anyway, the rest of the piece concludes with a list of Bible quotes in an obvious effort by the pastor to beef up his empirical bona fides, but hey, it’s just nice to have him back.  Now I’m gonna go see if I can straighten up those nuclear pantries before we have an accident and God and I wind up on The People’s Court

Oh Lord | 7 Comments »