On the heels of its scoop revealing that a 6 year old Barack Obama was recruited to violent jihadism by Jim Henson’s Madrassa Babies, Fox News now exposes the real perpetrator of the Virginia Tech shooting. Could it be…SATAN?
Why yes. After laying low following his thumping at the polls last November, Lucifer has finally stopped sulking around the house and gotten off his ass and done something. At least, according to a story by religion correspondent Lauren Green:
Could Cho have been possessed by the Devil? Could that explain the massacre at Virginia Tech?
I suppose so, if the Devil had a Glock.
Dr. Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, shouts an unequivocal “Yes!”
He probably could have used his indoor voice, since Miss Green was standing right next to him, but he finds that random shouting drives evil spirits out of the bodies in his immediate vicinity, and will often let fly with a prophylactic scream when entering a crowded elevator.
“Based on what I’ve seen in the news,” Roberts said in an interview, “there’s no doubt that this act was Satanic in origin.”
Forensic evidence confirms his theory, as we’ll see in this week’s episode of CSI: Crime Scene Inquisition.
Roberts added that he doesn’t know if it was Satanic “possession” or “oppression.” Possession, he said, occurs when Satan takes over a person’s life, and the person’s actions are dictated by demonic possession within. Roberts says he’s seen this type and has seen the Devil cast out of a person.
As evidence of this phenomenon, Roberts pointed to the many downtrodden, homeless devils on Skid Row, begging for change and fighting for the right to “possess” a refrigerator box.
Satanic “oppression,” on the other hand, is “that which comes against.” “It’s not in a person, but is coming against them, trying to put evil thoughts in their minds,” Roberts said.
“A good example of this,” he adds, “Would be The O’Reilly Factor For Kids.”
Roberts says we’ll never know whether Cho was “possessed” or “oppressed,” because the killer has died. But he did leave a note blasting everyone around him, calling them “rich kids,” and “deceitful charlatans,” and then blaming them, saying “you made me do this.”
So it was probably possession, because the Devil hates the rich, since their selfless entrepreneurial ways create jobs for the Lucky Duckies. We can’t all heal a leper, but those of us in the top 1% can outsource our manufacturing operations to Burkina Faso.
Roberts describes Cho’s writings as “just words,” and says words are one of Satan’s tools to bring about Man’s destruction.
On the other hand, Cho used firearms for the actual destruction part, and guns are clearly not one of Satan’s tools, so maybe the shooting was just an accident. Like that thing with William S. Burroughs and Joan Vollmer.
The battle of good vs. evil in all of us is not a simple choice between two forks in a road, but a cosmic war being waged over our souls.
Says Dr. Richard Lints of Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary: “The lesson, I think, is that when we don’t take our own evil seriously, we are much more liable to perpetrate acts of evil.”
Later, shown a tape of his performance on Fox News Sunday, Brit Hume was overcome with glee, cackling like Margaret Hamilton until he hyperventilated and had to lie down.