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Archive for January 24th, 2007

Maybe Next Time Tom Cruise Can Deliver the SofU Address

Posted by s.z. on January 24th, 2007

I understand that the President gave a speech this evening — something about the State of the Mission Accomplished.  But there’s no time for that now, because the big news is that Tom Cruise ‘is Christ’ of Scientology. (Hey, we don’t really read The Sun, we just got the link from WorldNetDaily.)

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

But only after his crucifixion, alas.  (My guess is that the source close to Tom is Tom.  After all, he has to do something to keep Katie from leaving him now that the sex is over in their marriage.)

But forget all that, because the real REAL news is that we didn’t make the Forbes Magazine’s Web Celeb 25 list. 

LonelyGirl15 is #1.  Kos is #3.  And, presumably just to prove that celebrity, even web celebrity, is a tawdry, dirty, ultimately meaningless business, John HIndrocket and That LittleGreenFootballs guy also made the cut, both of them for their involvement in Proportional Font Gate, thus demonstrating that Forbes is so two years ago.  (The fact that InstaGlenn is #7 only proves it.)

But even so, Hugh Hewitt, the guy who invented blogging, didn’t get included, probably because he’s just not photogenic enough.  So, to make things up to him, let’s take a brief look at his latest Town Hall column, “So Let Us Find Our Resolve, And Turn Events Toward Victory.”  It’s about the SofU speech, and how it was just like the Gettysburgh address, in that George Bush is also one of our greatest presidents (and since Honest Abe got picked on by bloggers too, only he can truly understand the loneliness of the Dubya).

Lincoln of course was surrounded throughout the Civil War by critics whose venom was the equal of the far reaches of the nutterspehere. To his enemies in the Confederacy he was evil personified, and to his political opponents at home, especially the Copperheads, he was a fool and a dangerous incompetent. But even the horrors of the war which he saw often and at first hand did not blur his vision of what had to be done, a vision far more focused and far sighted than that of his enemies combined.

So Lincoln called for resolve and he insisted on victory.

And thanks to him, we were victorius in our war against the Commie Nazi Huns, and we lived in a golden age of peace, prosperity, and no oral sex until Bill Clinton came along and ruined things for everybody. 

However, in another eerie parallel with our current situation, Lincoln never found Robert E. Lee’s stash of nuclear weapons, and so he was ultimately impeached.

But, per Hugh, it’s sad to realize that despite all of George’s heroic resolve and steely-eyed focus and stuff, the Democrats will never acknowledge that President Bush, not Tom Cruise, is the real new Jesus (which is why they are all going to hell).

First principles plus the resolve to defend them are the mark of great presidents, and it has always been so in the history of the country. President Bush extended a variety of invitations last night to the new majorities in the Senate and the House, and only the most optimistic of sorts can imagine much coming from them as the Democrats have evidenced no interest in ending their effort to reverse the judgment on Bush which history will inevitably bestow.

Okay, can anybody translate that last sentence from the original wingnut into English?  (I think what Hugh was trying to say is that Democrats probably won’t take up the President on his offer to jointly destroy our country because the Dems are too busy trying to build a time machine so they can go back to 1945 and prevent Barbara Bush from getting lucky, but I could be wrong.)

But back to Hugh:

President Bush is resolved to deliver the country to his successor much safer than the one that was delivered to him,

His successor being Cornelius the Ape, of course, and the safer time only coming after the radioactivity dies down quite a bit.

 … a safety which flows from clear-eyed realism about threats and the courage to act upon them.

And trillions of dollars, and the lives of hundreds of other people’s children.

It will be interesting to see if the combination of General Petraeus’ clear and emphatic testimony at his confirmation hearing and the president’s steady insistence on victory will reverse the flow towards neoappeasement in the Senate. That may be too much to expect of politics in these divided times, but the good news is that the president is not for turning.

Personally, I thought that Christopher Fry’s The President’s Not for Turning lacked the wit and charm of his previous play.  However, I did like the part where the town gives in to the hero’s demands, and hangs him.  But then, I’m always a sucker for a happy ending.