Inspired by Jacqueline, I would like to tell all you losers why I am way too good for you:

1.  My hair has lots of bounce and body.  Not every woman’s hair is thick and full, as any shampoo commercial will inform you.  This automatically puts me in the top 10th percentile of desirability.

2.  I own a car.  Many famous people, to include Gandhi, Socrates, and Jesus, didn’t.  This demonstrates my moral superiority to them.

3.  I obtained a bachelors degree from an accredited college, so I am way more educated than most women who lived in the 12th century.

4.  My IQ has been tested and found to be higher than the IQs of several other people.  So, I’m not only educated, I can also darken little squares with a pencil.

5.  When I posted a photo of a porn starlet at Hot or Not? and claimed that it was me, I was rated as 97% more attractive than John Podhoretz.

6.  I was not born crippled or blind or anything, thus making me a much better catch than those blind and crippled girls.  And I’m way hotter than those chicks who lost their hair during radiation therapy for their cancer!

 7.  I was not directly affected by Hurricane Katrina, thus proving that God considers me to be a really good person.

8.  I am not a fat single mother on welfare.

So, now that you know how out of your league I am, will you all PLEASE stop dreaming that we have a future together?

 

I Pity the Fool | 47 Comments »

 MaryKat’s mea culpa for failing to bring her readers the story of the terrorist barf bag.

I missed this scare. Man, and I do so hate to disappoint the World o’ Crap kids.

Well, it is Friday, so I guess we’ll let it go this time.  But if it happens again, we’ll be forced to get our “Update: Never Mind” stories from a different TerrorScare  blogger.

Oops | 7 Comments »

Here’s one for Roger Ailes‘ “Grand Old Police Blotter” feature:

Tax-protesting Maple Grove boss is on the lam

Authorities are seeking Robert Beale, an MIT-educated engineer and owner of a Maple Grove computer firm, who skipped his own trial.

Beale is on a holy quest to avoid paying taxes.  Here are a few paragraphs from the story.

Over roughly seven years, Robert Beale has waged a legal war with the Internal Revenue Service and Minnesota Revenue Department, filing rambling explanations in court, citing God, the Constitution and obscure legal decisions. He even published a full-page ad in a newspaper to make his case.“He is very smart,” said Dan Scott, his lawyer. “He is very pleasant and urbane. … And he is absolutely dedicated to his beliefs.”Beale, an engineer, is a graduate of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a groundbreaking inventor of computer technology and the owner of a company with 70 employees and revenues of $12 million to $15 million a year, say family members.

He was a Minnesota delegate to the Republican National Convention in the 1980s, [son] Bradford Beale said, and contributed more than $10,000 to Republican candidates in the 1990s, according to Federal Election Commission records. He founded the Minnesota Christian Coalition, which is affiliated with the politically oriented Christian Coalition of America.

And yet he felt justified in setting up shell companies to shield his income, and didn’t feel the need to file tax returns from 2000-2004, despite making over $5.6 million in personal income during that period.

Theodore Beale, another son of Robert Beale, is the author of fantasy Christian novels. Interviewed from Italy, where he lives, he said he knew little about the case [...].

And here’s where we tell you the REST of the story.  Little Theodore Beale grew up to be … Vox Day, WorldNetDaily columnist and blogger.

And here’s a quote from Vox about Dad that we mentioned in our
previous piece on Vox’s secret life as the son of a God-fearing, tax-avoiding techocrat millionaire.

There will also surely be many who will consider him little more than a religious nut with money, but again, that is of little concern to us. After all, this country was founded and its Constitution was written by a group of wealthy, well-armed aristocrats who also happened to be devout Christians and who believed that they had been put in the right place at the right time for an appointed purpose.

And apparently the right place for Dad right now is “out of the country.”

And speaking of Vox, this story made us wonder what’s new with him these days, so we checked out his blog.  And just when we were ready to concede that he made a lot of good points, and admit that perhaps we had misjudged him, we read the entry ”A train wreck in progress,” and remembered Vox’s issues with women.Re this post: While we agree with Vox that Libertarian blogger Jacqueline is not somebody with whom we’d want  to get romantically involved (even if we swung that way), Vox also sets off our ”back away slowly” social interaction alarms as loudly as she does with his remarks about her:

Her suggestions for men are fairly reasonable,

 Let’s stop right here and review some of Jacqueline’s suggestions:

I realize that some of you will find this post depressing because you’ll realize that you don’t qualify as a high quality man and thus won’t be able to get a high quality woman. You have a few options:  1.   Lower your standards and stop pursuing women who are out of your league. There are lots of fat single mothers out there who can’t find dates either.2.  Look in the developing world. If you’re literate with a home computer and an internet connection you are very wealthy compared to the rest of the world. Citizenship or legal permanent residency in a rich country makes you more attractive to women in poorer countries. Your value on the dating market is thus much higher there.  

So, Vox apparently agrees with Jackie that if you aren’t good enough for her, you should try dating fat, single mothers and poor third-world women.  (Of course, since Vox is way too good for Jacqueline, he is presumably telling YOU, his inferiors, that you should check out hefty Bulgarian babes.)

 But back to Vox:

though I find it amusing that despite her intelligence, she is not experienced enough to realize that “educated” is not necessarily considered a plus among highly educated, intelligent men these days.

 Yeah, highly educated, intelligent men these days are going for the 8th-grade dropouts, because these women are not as uppity and demanding as those bitches with undergraduate degrees.

Unfortunately for her, she’s not anywhere nearly attractive enough to “date only the highest quality men”;

However, the highest quality men can be as ugly as sin and still insist on dating only 18-year-old supermodels with private jets  – you know, because of their high quality.

if she’s more attractive than 86 percent of the single women on the planet, I’ll have to reconsider the notion of ever leaving the house again.

Jackie seems reasonably attractive to me, but I do have to smile pityingly at her claim that one of the reasons she deserves the highest quality men (and is way too good for the “single geeky guys I meet via this blog”) is because her ”new picture has been rated more attractive than 86% of the women on Hot or Not.”

Anyway, Vox weighs her and finds her wanting.

Highly intelligent, reasonably educated, and yet in the end just another self-centered woman who can’t handle basic logic when it doesn’t suit her wishes.

So, just another woman then.  Yeah, it’s no wonder that our letting them vote has ”helped tear apart our society,” bringing us ”more divorce, more abortion,” and worst of all, “more obese single women on welfare.”  It’s no wonder that Vox lives in Italy.

Wingnuts | 20 Comments »

Our Ann Coulter wannabe for today is the low-budget David Limbaugh, Mike Gallagher   We join his rant already in progress:

So when I calmly suggested that there be a “Muslims Only” line at security checkpoints in our airports, ["ACLU shill" Michael] Gross, predictably, almost became unhinged. However, he was probably restrained from losing his senses altogether because of the thunderous applause my suggestion received from the studio audience on Fox’s “Dayside.”

To quote Ann Coulter, “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not blow up a taping of Fox’s ‘Dayside’” 

Now, for the thrilling conclusion of Mike’s cunning plan:

Let’s stop playing politically correct games and being worried about what the ACLU is going to do. This isn’t some charade, this war is real. The terrorists who want to kill us are looking for every opportunity to pounce. It’s time to formally and officially launch profiling in our nation’s airports.As I often say, not all Muslims are terrorists. But all the terrorists are Muslims. 

And as I often say, not all Gallaghers are tedious buffoons who are routinely outwitted by watermelons, but this one is.

Uncategorized | 12 Comments »

BREAKING: West Virginia Airport Evacuated Due to ‘Suspicious Liquid’ (Update: No Threat)

Please stay ready for tomorrow’s alert, “Al Qaeda-trained snakes terrorize plane (Update: Just a movie)”

Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

You think that the victims of floods, famines, war, etc., have it bad?  Well, it turns out that the people who really have suffered are those, like Ann Coulter, who have lived through the nightmare of airport security checks.

After five years of submissively complying with bag checks, shoe checks and underwire bra checks, Americans have now been informed that the hell we’ve been going through at the airports (but which the president and members of Congress do not go through because they refuse to fly commercial air) has been a useless Kabuki theater.

Please give generously to the “Stop Airport Goons From Pawing Ann’s Dainty Unmentionables” fund, and together we can stop this tragedy.

Also, please give generously to the “Buy Ann Coulter a Brain” campaign.  After all, like President Bush Dan Quayle sorta said, a mind is a terrible thing not to have.

Ann’s column starts with two things “we” have learned from the arrests of the alleged terrorist plotters in Britain:

1) Nothing being done by airport security since 9/11 would prevent a bomb from being brought onto an airplane; and

2) This terrorist plot — like all other terrorist plots — was stopped by ethnic profiling.

Her evidence supporting the first claim:

As we now know, all the ingredients necessary to blow up an airplane can be carried in small liquid containers. Airport security has not even been looking for small liquid containers

Well, I thought “we” knew that some of the ingredients would have to be kept in a cooler (or otherwise refrigerated), and that equipment to mix up the concoction would be needed, as would some kind of electronic device to detonate the bomb.

And even so, it’s unlikely that a bomb could be produced on a plane, and even if it was, it’s even more unlikely that it could bring down a plane.  Check out “Mass murder in the skies: was the plot feasible?” for details.

Now, on to the evidence of Ann’s second claim:

What stopped last week’s terrorist attack was ethnic profiling. We don’t know the details of the British intelligence work that nabbed the 24 Muslims because The New York Times has not been able to obtain that classified information and publish it on its front page yet. But it is a fact that you could not catch 24 Muslim terrorists by surveilling everyone in Britain equally.

While it is true that we don’t know all of the details of investigation (or really, any details — the British have been pretty close-mouthed about the whole thing), the word on the street is that the intelligence community got the information about the plot from informants and from intercepted communications. 

In any case, it is a fact that they did not catch these suspects (it’s now down to 23) by surveilling all Muslims in Britain equally.   And THAT, Ann, is what “ethnic profiling” means.

But, hey, I guess I should give Ann a break: after all, she has gone through the hell of having declasse federal employees looking at her underwear, and that has to leave some crippling emotional scars. 

Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

Suspicious Container in Seattle Port, Terminal Evacuated (Updated: False Alarm)

Thank you for your attention.

Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

And now, the thrilling conclusion to ZARDOZ!

Sean attends Charlotte’s PowerPoint slide show on The Lost Art of the Erection.  Apparently, the Eternals can conquer death and construct giant flying heads, but they can’t figure out how the peepee works.  Charlotte, as part of her Show ‘N Tell segment, makes Sean watch Cinemax in an effort to put a Lincoln Log in his Huggies, but it doesn’t have the desired effect.  However, just when her presentation is circling the drain, the Soundtrack from Fantasia arrives to give Sean a huge pulsating boner, which is symbolized by a cutaway to a llama.

These events may be unrelated, but the next day at lunch, an embittered Friend decides he doesn’t want to sniff the baguette.  The other Eternals respond to this mutiny by humming like a model train transformer while Carrot Top does a sinister jazz hands routine.

Sean decides he’s had enough up this and climbs a hill so he can do mime in peace.  Despite presenting a killer “trapped in the invisible box” routine, he sustains a critical drubbing, so he heads to the Sizzler to blow off steam and gets badly mauled by a group of elderly patrons who don’t appreciate him gadding about in a diaper while they’re trying to enjoy the Early Bird Special.

Then Charlotte and Sean fight over a poncho and Sean goes blind, but Princess Leia suddenly appears and performs Lasik on him, then warns him that his strength will inevitably fail, and when it does, he should eat some spinach.

The Eternals trap Sean in one of those inflatable Jolly Jumpers and start beating him to death, but he confounds them at the last possible second by throwing a handful of Gold Medal flour in their general direction and escaping!  Then he runs back to the top of the hill and violently vogues.  When this doesn’t seem to help, he goes to hang with the Apathetics since at least Boorman didn’t give them any dialogue.  Unfortunately, the catatonic women magically awaken when they taste his underarm perspiration.  This inspires a tepid lesbian makeout scene, but it doesn’t last, and suddenly all the apathetic Flemish chicks are moaning and licking Sean, so he frantically eats his spinach, then runs a 10K while an angry posse with severe erectile dysfunction gives chase.

Eventually, he’s saved by the elderly Sizzler patrons, who make him wear Miss Haversham’s wedding dress while they wander around with Roman candles as the Apathetics, still hopped up on Sean sweat, hump on the lawn ornaments.

Orangina realizes that, although the members of the Vortex possess the sum of all knowledge, Sean is a physically superior mutant who can pop a chubby at will, so he wins.  She figures that, if you can’t lick ‘em, then…well, lick ‘em, and tells Sean, “We will touch-teach you, and you will give us your seed.”  Sean agrees to this bargain, but adds, “Um…I’m gonna need a magazine.”

So Princess Leia gets naked and speaks Swedish while math problems are flashed on her skin by the Eternal AV Club’s Kenner Give-A-Show! Projector.  Then suddenly everybody is nude and covered in algorithms and speaking Albanian and nattering on about Ethelred the Unready and the Gadsen Purchase as Sean crams for his midterms.  Finally, Sean’s apotheosis reaches a climax as a girl with staticky hair sells him a large cubic zirconium.

Sean absorbs the sum of all human knowledge, and promptly realizes that he looks ridiculous in this diaper, so he goes and puts on some gauchos.  Charlotte sneaks up behind Sean with a huge knife, but she’s so moved by his attempt at pants that she instantly falls in love.

Then Sean sneaks into the Mormon Tabernacle, which doesn’t look at all like I thought it would – a lot more labyrinths, bleeding mirrors, and interpretive dance recitals by disembodied heads than you’d expect.  Meanwhile, the Flemish peasants break into the workroom on Project Runway and vandalize some dress forms.

Sean tells Orangina and Charlotte, “Stay close to me.  Inside my aura,” then sticks out his hand, which causes the film to reverse (but not, thankfully, to the beginning).  Then the Santa Head Hot Pants People ride in waving their guns.  Suddenly, the screen is filled with men and women staggering around shouting “kill me!  KILL me!”  Since we’ve never seen most of these people before, I can only conclude that they’re members of the film crew who have finally snapped.  Meanwhile, Sean and Charlotte run off and hide in Injun Joe’s cave.

Suddenly, she’s nude and giving birth.  Then Sean and Charlotte are sitting on a rock in the cave, and staring expressionlessly at the viewer just like American Gothic, except they’re both topless and she’s and nursing a baby.  Then, we dissolve and they age a bit – the kid is about 5 years old now – but they’re still sitting on the rock, although now they’re dressed in forest green, Napoleonic-era greatcoats.  Another dissolve.  They’re still there, still modeling the coats, and the kid is about ten.  Another dissolve.  Nobody’s moved.  The kid is about 18 and sporting long, unkempt hair and a rawhide loincloth like Tarzan.  He looks at over Sean with an expression that plainly says, “Um, Dad?  Can we get up off this rock now?”  Sean doesn’t respond, so the kid pulls one of those “You guys are so bogus!  I am so OUT of here!” faces, and stalks off camera.

Now that the kid is no longer sitting between them, Sean and Charlotte join hands, and continue to decay in their overcoats.  Through a series of painfully slow, yet hilarious dissolves, they rot into skeletons.  Then the connective tissue decomposes, and at last they’re a big, disorganized pile of bones, and the camera pans up to Sean’s rusted gun hanging on the wall of the cave, beside two handprints that were apparently created using the science of Kirlian photography.  Bet you didn’t see THAT coming, did you?!

 Oh.  Um.  The End.

Movies | 14 Comments »

Woman With Al Qaeda Note, Vaseline, and Screwdriver Causes Terrorist Incident

Of course, the wingnutosphere was right on this latest example of Islamofacism … which was soon downgraded to merely a case of a nutty, hysterical, claustrophobic woman who caused a distrubance on a plane.  (Note: the woman in question was not, as previously reported, Annie Jacobsen.)

Here’s part of the latest A.P. story:

Two fighter jets were scrambled Wednesday to escort a London-to-Washington flight to an emergency landing in Boston after a passenger became so agitated she needed to be restrained, authorities said.

The federal official for Boston’s Logan International Airport said there was no indication of terrorism and denied reports that the passenger aboard United Flight 923 had a screw driver and a note referring to al-Qaida. 

[...]

An airport spokesman, Phil Orlandella, previously confirmed broadcast reports that the woman was carrying Vaseline, a screw driver, matches and a note referring to al-Qaida, but later backed off the statement. Naccara said it was not true.

“I don’t know what she had on board with her, but we have been told she did not have a screw driver, she did not have any liquids such as Vaseline, and any notebook she may have had, it did not contain an al-Qaida reference,” Naccara said. He said he had no information about matches.

(She apparently did have matches, as well as hand cream, but neither item was prohibited.)

And once the updated info came out, did the Wingnutosphere emit a collective “Ooops!  Sorry, my bad”?

Are you kidding?

Here’s the response from Mary Katharine Ham, who was the designated Chicken Little at Michelle Malkin’s site today:

London-to-D.C. Flight Diverted for Unruly Passenger With ‘Note Referencing Al Qaeda’ (Update: Reports of Note Denied)

(Update: I’ve got a deadline on another project,

How convenient!

so I may not be able to follow closely for a bit, here, but Hot Air and Ace have got it in hand.

Ace:

Now comes the lecturing and hectoring about “overreactions” and “anti-Muslim backlash.”

Root causes, baby. We wouldn’t overreact if you weren’t always trying to murder us.

You must understand the non-Islamic point of view.

Which is, basically: Stop trying to kill us.

Shorter Ace: But Mom, he started it!

Now, back to MKat:

We have lost the luxury of leaving terrorism out of a story like this until the full, confirmed, two-sourced, second-day story comes out.

Why, pray tell? 

Why? Because if a claustrophobic woman is a diversionary tactic and the pilot doesn’t land the plane, the plane could come down in a much more unpleasant way.

Right, but why do you, a blogger, not have the luxury of waiting until the confirmed story comes out before bringing terrorism into it?

And, if the pilot and security officials are treating it as such, ain’t nothing wrong with the press telling the public.

So, MKat’s position is that, as a blogger, she is REQUIRED to shoot them all and let God sort them out.

And that story about the boy who cried wolf?  Just a bit of liberal naysaying, so pay it no mind.

But the best reactions to the updated story come from AllahPundit and his readers.  Take it away, AlPun:

and his readers.  Take it away, AlPun:

Fox just said the woman had a note referencing Al Qaeda, along with “vaseline,” matches, and a screwdriver.

Fox says an undersecretary at TSA is denying that the woman had any notes or items on her, which puts us back at claustrophobia. Very strange to have two competing storylines like this.

Which storyline you believe depends upon your ideology, of course. Lefties will accuse the feds of making up the stuff about the note and vaseline in order to spread panic. Righties will accuse the feds of making up the stuff about claustrophobia in order not to spread panic.

Kids, allow me the first to tell you that you don’t have to believe either of AlPun’s storylines.  You are perfectly free to assume that the feds just got garbled information, and the press ran with it because terror on planes sells papers (and movie tickets — we could call the screenplay based on this incident “Lube on a Plane”), and that nobody consciously made up anything.

But as for “bdfaith,” he has made his choice re: worldviews:

It’s disheartening to realize our governments quite willing to lie to us to avert panic and not stir up any more anymosity toward the poor, poor mistreated Muslims.

Yes, our very own government even went so far as to claim that the unruly passenger was a 59-year-old, white woman from Vermont, instead of a young, Arabic male, like we all know that it must have been.

Damn that George Bush and his government’s Islamo-coddling!  I guess it’s time to join a militia group.

Uncategorized | 15 Comments »

Fresh from the NRO “Corner”: 

Whose Country? [John Derbyshire]

This news item concerns Leftist legal-action groups suing a Pennsylvania town over ordinances the town has passed to discourage illegal immigrants from settling there.  Near the end comes this sentence:

“About a third of the [sic] Hazelton’s residents are Hispanic, up from around 5 percent in 2000, officials say.”

[Derb]  From 5 percent to 33 percent in just six years?  And the President wonders why opposition to his open-borders-and-amnesty plan is so fierce?
Posted at 2:37 PM

[s.z.] Nowhere in the article is there anything to indicate that 33% of the town now consists of illegal aliens.  (FYI: my town has gained a large proportion of Hispanic residents in the past few years, but the vast majority of them are either U.S. citizens or legal residents.)  So, I guess Derb’s point is that any real American would naturally object to living in a town that’s a third Hispanic – and unless President Bush realizes this and appoints Michelle Malkin as the new head of the INS, the “base” is never going to support Bush’s immigration plan.

Uncategorized | 6 Comments »