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Archive for June 8th, 2006

JONAH GOLDBERG: THE WORLD IS MY BITCH

Posted by scott on June 8th, 2006

In his LA Times column today, Jonah Goldberg channels the alpha lesbian from an early �70s Women in Prison picture (usually played by Pam Grier and invariably named �Cat�) and slaps Canada around in the shower until it slides down the tiles and huddles at his feet, sniveling under the tepid spray.

A few years ago I wrote a cover story for National Review with the subtle and nuanced title, “Bomb Canada: The Case for War.” It caused quite a stir up there. My argument at the time was that Canada needed to be slapped out of its delusions and forced to stand up for itself in ways other than the Potemkin courage it shows in “standing up” to the United States.

This is the part where he grabs Canada�s hair and yanks its head back and sneers, �Your ass is MINE, bitch! Who do you think runs this place? The guards? The warden? Ha! One word from me and you�ll be dead before you can scream. (STROKES CANADA�S CHEEK). Or maybe I�ll just�Cut that pretty face of yours up�”

Had I thought of it at the time, maybe I should have had American bombers stand down and suggested instead that Islamic terrorists plot to behead the Canadian prime minister and blow up a few important buildings.

�And then, maybe I should have had one of those Obedience Collars put on all the women in Canada, just like that Star Trek episode, �The Gamesters of Triskelion,� and then they�d have to do whatever I say!�

Remember when �public intellectuals� were rather dull to read, producing dense, prolix monographs droning on about the Dialectic of Enlightenment or The Anti-Capitalist Mentality? It seemed like being an intellectual was a lot of work for both author and audience back then; but nowadays all you have to do is fantasize about bitch-slapping a Mountie and suddenly you�re Edmund Burke. And yet, today’s thinkers manage to be just as dull to read, even though they drop twice as many Simpsons references as John Kenneth Galbraith. Anyway, Jonah changes his underwear, turns off his VHS of Famous Ta-Ta�s cued up to the Angelique Pettyjohn scenes, and tells us why he wouldn�t go out with Canada even if it begged.

Canada is arguably the most deluded industrialized nation in the world. Because elite Canadians think the U.S. is the font of the world’s problems, they think being different than the U.S. and sucking up to the United Nations will buy them grace on the cheap.

Ah, there�s the obligatory UN-trashing paragraph. Apparently Jonah let Ken Mehlman fill out his MadLibs again.

They’ve bravely contributed to the war in Afghanistan, where 2,300 troops still serve, but refused to join the effort in Iraq, believing that jihadists would honor such fine distinctions. That was awfully nice of them. Too bad nice has nothing to do with it.

Soooo�Canada joined the U.S. in ousting the Taliban and their colleagues, the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11. But then we decided to invade an entirely different country that didn’t attack us, resulting in a military quagmire, the constant hemorrhaging of blood and treasure, and a continuing series of war crimes that have left us an international pariah, and they passed on the chance to join us!

Poor, deluded bastards.

The presence of a profoundly evil, homegrown terror cell in Canada has understandably provoked a lot of soul-searching to our north. As one Canadian editorial put it: “We are Canada, peacekeepers to the world, everybody’s nice guy. Who would want to harm us, and why?”

I couldn�t actually find this quote through Google, aside from its appearance in Jonah�s column, but even if no one said it, someone should’ve said it, because it nicely props up Jonah’s strawman.

Or as Audrey Macklin, a University of Toronto law professor, confessed to the L.A. Times

…under TORTURE!

Canadians “picture themselves as being thought of as nicer than the United States.” Why on earth would terrorists want to hurt a “nice” country? Well, for starters, nice isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The frog who carried the scorpion on his back in Aesop’s fable was nice. It didn’t make the scorpion’s sting any less poisonous.

So the Canadians were attacked because they were �too nice.� Just like the na�ve, innocent girl who�s wrongfully convicted of a crime, then sent to prison where she�s preyed on by lesbian inmates, pawed by sadistic matrons, and exploited by a corrupt warden, Canada was attacked because it was weak, and exposed its soft underbelly to a ravening predator. Except Canada wasn�t actually attacked; it detected and interdicted a plot by would-be terrorists before there was any loss of life. We, on the other hand, were attacked, even though we�re not nice. So I guess the moral of this particular Aesop fable is: It�s better to be nice and competent, rather than mean and stupid.

Indeed, there’s good reason to believe that niceness is part of the problem, not the solution� The Danish cartoon controversy was a perfect example of appeasement. A host of Western leaders indulged jihadist outbursts and threats to behead cartoonists and journalists by denouncing, in Bill Clinton’s words, “these totally outrageous cartoons against Islam.” Sen. John Kerry joined in the moral equivalence: “These and other inflammatory images deserve our scorn, just as the violence against embassies and military installations are an unacceptable and intolerable form of protest.” And French President Jacques Chirac tut-tutted that “anything liable to offend the beliefs of others, particularly religious beliefs, must be avoided.”

Where do politicians get off denouncing art just because it might bruise somebody�s precious little religious sensitivities? That�s the kind of niceness that�ll get us all killed!

Guiliani has threatened to withdraw the Brooklyn Museum of Art’s annual $7m grant from the city over the Sensation exhibition, which has already appeared in London and Berlin.
He took particular offence to Mr Ofili’s The Holy Virgin Mary, which depicts Mary with dark skin, African features and flowing robes. It also features elephant dung and cut-outs from pornographic magazines.

Pat Buchanan, who had served as President Reagan�s communication director for two years (urging the president, among other things, to �stand tall� at the SS-cemetery in Bitburg and in opposition to economic sanctions against South Africa), was the first to identify the campaign against �The Last Temptation� with a larger jihad: The battle over the film represented �one more skirmish in the century�s struggle over whose values, whose beliefs shall be exalted in American culture, and whose may be derided and disparaged.� In his syndicated July 27 column, Buchanan compared the movie to �The Protocols of the Elders of Zion� and accused Hollywood of �assaulting the Christian community in a way it would never dare assault the black community, the Jewish community or the gay community.�

Meanwhile, back at Jonah’s Original Red-Hot Ricochet Strawman Barbecue:

In Canada, the retreat into denial was instantaneous. At the news conference announcing the arrests, officials said the alleged plotters came from “a variety of backgrounds”

Whereas we all know that every Muslim terrorist is cloned from a rib taken from Osama bin Laden. Haven�t you people ever seen The Boys From Brazil??

In a meeting with Muslim leaders the day after the news conference, Toronto’s chief of police reportedly boasted that the government never mentioned the alleged terrorists’ religion.

Actually

“Canadian Muslims absolutely condemn an act of violence or threat of violence,” Muhammad Alam, president of the Islamic Foundation of Toronto, told a joint news conference in Toronto on Sunday afternoon.
“This is not about religion or faith,” but about political and social situations around the world, he said.
Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair agreed, saying the accused were motivated by an ideology based on politics and violence, not by faith. “This is not the action of the Muslim community.”

Meanwhile, in a meeting with his mother, Lucianne Goldberg, Jonah reportedly asked for an increase in his allowance, but she said he�d only use it to buy Hostess Ding Dongs and Star Trek action figures from the Franklin Mint, and declined.

Well, isn’t that sweet. I’m sure the next time Islamists set out to chop off lawmakers’ heads or murder the staff of the Canadian Broadcasting Co., they’ll keep in mind how nice you were about all this.

Let�s also keep in mind that when some nutjobs plotted to pull off a terrorist outrage in Canada, the local authorities rolled them up in a sting operation before they could touch match to fuse:

“Sources say investigators who had learned of the group’s alleged plan to build a bomb were controlling the sale and transport of the massive amount of fertilizer, a key component in creating explosives. Once the deal was done, the RCMP-led anti-terrorism task force moved in for the arrests.”

When a group of more experienced nutjobs with a resume full of successful terrorist assaults plotted to attack inside the U.S., the authorities informed the President, who promptly went on vacation to his ranch in Texas.

Me, I�ve never been to Crawford. But I hear it�s nice.

> UPDATE

On the topic of Canada’s terror masterminds, Doghouse Reilly takes a fire extinguisher to Lileks’ Wicker Man bonfire, and cites him for use of an open flame and question begging without a permit. Mr. Reilly also points out the following in comments:

The overripe juvenile hooligans in Canada called off the plan to behead Harper because they didn�t know their way around Ottowa. A landowner actually came out and told these guys to get off his lawn!

This suggests that a more effective counter-insurgency strategy would be to promptly withdraw our troops from Iraq, and dispatch cranky old men with garden hoses. Even if it didn’t prevent civil war, it would at least keep those dang smoochers off our property.

Start Collecting Your Kitten Points Now!

Posted by s.z. on June 8th, 2006

Because I have kittens to feed and I need something to post, it’s time for a quick round of “Who Said It?”

And because YOU want to win a valuable prize, it’s time to start accumulating WSI points, which you might someday be able to trade for a cool merchandise, to possibly include a new car, a George Bush puppet I got at the Dollar Store, or a fluffy, adorable kitten.

So, let’s get down to business: the twist this round is that all our Mystery Speakers come from my NewsMax spam! (Some of the emails tout NewxMax articles, and some are shilling for NewsMax advertisers.) Now, put on your thinking caps and figure out who said the following:

1. HINT: This wingnut has a new book out — and apparently it’s a story about how nobody likes him anymore. (And it’s not because he’s a unpleasant crank now, it’s because liberals are big jerks.)

He abandoned his liberal perspective, became a libertarian � and paid a heavy price, he recently told NewsMax in an exclusive interview.

The mainstream media did not take kindly to [Mystery Guest's] political conversion, which occurred about 20 years ago.

“They like me less,” he says with his familiar deadpan humor, adding, “Once I started applying the same skepticism to government, I stopped winning awards.”

Like a political Robinson Crusoe, [MG] inhabits his own island of intellectual thought. … The outspoken journalist says conservatives impress him with their willingness to still invite him to conferences. “But the liberals just say, �He’s icky,’ and don’t want to have anything to do with me,” he says.

“Liberals have been so dominant in the mainstream media that they have grown fat, lazy and intolerant. Conservatives are happy to have someone in the mainstream media who will at least consider their ideas,” the newsman adds.

You now have all the clues you need: this Mystery Guest is a “libertarian,” inhabits his own intellectual island, and is icky.

2. HINT: This wingnut also has a new book out, and you can get it for just $4.99 from NewsMax!

“Would Jesus sanction a book that belittles and ridicules a large segment of the American population?” [MG] queried. “Yes,” adding that Jesus was faced with such outrages as the money changers in the Temple. [MG] added in familiar fashion that Jesus “was no panty waist.”

{Note: This quote is not a fictional one taken from Scott’s parody. It’s also not taken from Doug Giles’s latest book, “Dirty Harry Christianity.”)

3. This wingnut has a new book out too. Buy it or he will shoot you!

In The Global War on Your Guns, [Mystery Guest] tells the shocking truth-unfiltered by the national media-about the U.N.’s conspiracy to ban ALL firearms. That means your rifles, your shotguns and your handguns!

He’ll show you the frightening truth: that a future anti-gun president-say, President Hillary Clinton-has the power to bypass the needed two-thirds ratification by the U.S. Senate and turn this brazen assault on freedom into the law of our land.

[MG] hones in on shameful U.N. hypocrisy where their cries for complete disarmament cover-up the real agenda: take away the one freedom that gives common men and women the ultimate power to defend their lives against dictators, genocidal governments and other criminals….

Criminals that include U.N. peacekeepers and U.N. member nations!

Yes, Future President Hillary Clinton is plotting right now to take away your guns, just so that U.N. member nations can enter your home, rape your women, and kill you!

And that’s why you should not only buy this wingnut’s book, but also make large donations to his powerful lobbying group. Do it for the sake of the guns!

4. HINT: I guess this email didn’t actually come from NewsMax (but it could have).

Dear Republican,

The Death Tax is killing America’s small businesses and family farms.

It’s a Death Tax that mates, then kills!

5. HINT: This politician holds a key post in the Homeland Security Committee, and so technically holds the power of life and death over you..

{MG] warned Thursday morning that unless [some anti-terrorism funding for New York City cut by Michael Chertoff is ] restored, he’ll launch an investigation into what he called “orgies” involving CIA agents at the Watergate hotel.

The New York GOP member then threatened: “So I am going to be investigating [Homeland Security] from top to bottom and one clear example is this whole scandal with [ex-]Congressman Duke Cunningham, which has now unfolded to include orgies at the Watergate hotel.”

An angry [MG] vowed to blow the lid off the alleged scandal, saying it involves “prostitutes and booze and gambling and CIA agents.”

And the Bush twins doing laps dances in a hot tub with Tom DeLay, while Alberto Gonzales made out with Porter Goss! (At least, that’s the rumor I heard.)

6. HINT: This spam didn’t come from NewsMax either, but it’s just as shameless as anything coming from that outfit.

Don’t let the anti-Christmas crowd kick Christ out of Christmas this year

June is not the time when we think of Christmas. But June is the time when retailers begin making their plans for Christmas promotions � store banners, newspaper ads, TV commercials, etc.

Remember last Christmas when many national retailers banned the use of Merry Christmas and allowed only the use of Season’s Greetings or Happy Holidays or even winter holidays? Remember how some stores did not allow their employees to say “Merry Christmas” to their customers? Remember how Christmas trees were called Holiday trees?

Remember how Wal-Mart made the baby Jesus cry by not marketing his holiday as ruthlessly as they should have?

Remember how Bill O’Reilly was crucified on a giant candy cane for our sins?

Remember how little children were beaten mercilessly by feminist school teachers for possessing green and/or red napkins, and then forced to participate in Druidic homo nups?

If you remember all that, then you will want to sign this group’s petition, and join in their attempt to blackmail retailers into doing the group’s bidding.

We could be headed for another year when similar incidents occur, unless we let companies know right now that we will not accept the banning of Christmas in their promotions.

Now is the time to let the retailers know that if they ban the use of the term Christmas, you will not be shopping with them during the Christmas season!

Also let them know that if they mention any other winter holidays in their advertising, you will throw a Santa head in their beds while they are sleeping.

Anyway, those are our mystery wingnuts. Gentlepeople, start your guessing!