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Archive for the 'Swank Bank' Category

Let the Terror Begin!

Posted by s.z. on October 21st, 2008

Poor Pastor Swank.  Apparently he’s lost all contact with reality, and is now living in a very strange and scary place straight out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting.  Sad, really.  But kind of scary too, because every day in my local paper’s Letters to the Editor, there are missives from people who believe the same stuff as the pastor (they just express themselves less “creatively”), leading me to conclude the high price of gasoline is being caused by conservatives hoarding the stuff so they can huff the fumes. Anyway, here’s your Swank for today.

Gadhafi: B. Hussein is Muslim

Here you have it:“‘There are elections in America now. Along came a black citizen of Kenyan African origins, a Muslim, who had studied in an Islamic school in Indonesia. His name is Obama,’ said Libyan leader Muammar Gadhafi in little-noticed remarks he made at a rally marking the anniversary of the 1986 U.S. air raid on his country” per Aaron Klein of WorldNetDaily.

The remarks may have been little noticed by normal people, but the wingnuts were all over the WorldNetDaily story, taking it as vindication of their belief that Obama is actually the Muslim Candidate (starring Sarah Palin in the Frank Sinatra role).  And yet they seem to be the brainwashed ones, recognizable by their constant assertion that “B. Hussein Obama is the warmest, most Muslim, foreignest, liberalest, baby killing-est, anti-Christian human being I’ve ever known in my life.”

So B. Hussein slips in an ABC interview to state “my Muslim faith.”Now Gadhafi confirms that to be fact.

No wonder the Muslim world throughout the globe is waiting anxiously for a B. Hussein presidential win.

Can we believe Gadhafi? Of course.

Sure, he’s an evil anti-American dictator who lies to his people all the time, but he would never try to mislead us!

Why would he say that if he did not believe it himself? He wouldn’t.

He just wouldn’t, okay!

He knows that B. Hussein is Muslim.

He undoubtedly knows all Muslims in the world personally, either meeting them socially at the Muslim Club, or seeing them at the weekly “Death to America” workshops/potluck suppers, so we can trust him on the issue of “Who’s Who in Islam.”

He states that B. Hussein is Muslim. B. Hussein has himself confessed to being of the “Muslim faith.”

What more can be printed for the reading public to take in than that?

Heck, if a slip of the tongue and the propaganda of a Third World super villain aren’t good enough for you, what will it take, America?!?

Yet liberal media feeds continue to recite that B. Hussein is “Christian.” Of course biblically knowledgeable believers know that that is a hoax.B. Hussein is no more Christian than Hindu. He breaks every biblical ethic.

He not only eats shellfish, commits adultery, covets, steals, and bears false witness, he also kills men in Reno just to watch them die.

He confesses that he reads the Bible but really knows not the Bible for he instructed a questioner to read the Sermon on the Mount to find out what was there to endorse homosexual “marriages.”

Matthew 5-7, the Sermon on the Mount passage, has nothing to state about homosexuality, let alone homosexual nuptials.

LOL.   Yes, folks, if the Sermon on the Mount does not denounce homosexuality, then that is proof positive that not only is Jesus strongly against gay nups, but also that Obama must be a Muslim.

In other words, B. Hussein is Muslim. Muslim rule will ensue if becoming President.

Yeah!  Remember that horrible time we had with Catholic rule when Kennedy was president, and the horrors of Quaker rule when Nixon was President?  Who wants something like that again?

It will be quite convenient for Muslim B. Hussein then to stay in line with the Koran for George W. Bush was foolish enough to place that volume in the White House library during a Ramadan dinner where guests were Muslim leaders.

Wow, Bush sure made it easy for Obama, didn’t he?  Maybe Bush is a secret Muslim too!   (But I have to wonder why a fanatical Muslim like Obama doesn’t have his own copy of the Koran to terrorize us with.)

America, beware..

Bewaaaare! Bewaaaaaaare!

The Muslim cloud is soon to hang heavily over our Republic if B. Hussein hoodwinks the ignorant into voting him onto Pennsylvania Avenue..

I heard that George Lucas rejected the title ”The Muslim Cloud” in favor of “The Phantom Menace” for his goofiest Star Wars flick.Anyway, you heard the pastor, and it’s almost Halloween, so beware, bewaaaaarrrre!!!

A Visit From The Wisdom Tooth Fairy

Posted by scott on September 30th, 2008

swank.jpgIn his latest column, Pastor Swank informs us that “McCain won debate on wisdom,” which I guess is less femmy than winning on points, or even a TKO.  Anyway, Swank believes that John McCain acquitted himself well in the contest, but if the Pastor were to pick nits, he feels that if McCain has one obvious flaw it’s that he’s not an immortal, like Jesus or Christopher Lambert.

There is nothing like wisdom accumulated over time.

It’s like a rich, finely aged cheese, but not as binding.

Of course, every mortal has his flaws. John McCain being mortal fits right in there.

If America wanted perfection, it would have to go for a biblical theocracy.

At this point the pastor paused in his ruminations to go change his pants.

But our Republic is a democracy led by human beings who have their imperfections.

McCain has his imprecations. B.. Hussein has his crimes. There is a difference.

Which is why the choice is clear.  On the one hand we have a larcenous Negro, on the other we have a wizened, pasty mortal who, apparently…likes to curse?

When McCain delivered at the debate, he won hands down because of his wisdom. It did not take drama to produce his finger counting experiences — running over ten fingers and then needing another hand or two.

And the sight of McCain performing rudimentary calculations, using a pair of severed human hands he’d brought to the podium, only further enhanced his reputation as a slightly befuddled badass.

McCain was not reciting from a textbook that he read in preparation for the talk-about. He candidly — without fanfare and drawing attention — ticked off one geographical location and headline leader after another.

Originally, McCain wanted to stage the debate in a spelling bee format, but ultimately decided that would just be showing off.

He went back years to situations that molded America. He recalled at times exact quotations from such individuals as US Presidents.

He conjugated verbs, and often emphasized them with a gesture.  He took sips of water without dribbling, and his autonomic nervous system successfully maintained his heart rate and respiration so he never once turned blue and fell over.

McCain drew on his mental file. And in that file was much that makes him the man for walking ready-made into the Oval Office.

Because one of the files is marked, “Bipedal Locomotion.”

B. Hussein is indeed dangerous on many points, most of them points that could stick into one balloon after another, all bringing down the executive branch of our government.

To be frank, I think we should call a constitutional convention and reconsider this whole concept of a lighter-than-air executive branch, especially after what happened with President Steve Fossett.

Further, McCain put to rest the predictions that he would lose and so be a do-nothing-nonproductive because he is 72. No one should ever bring that age factor up again, including the obscene ads the B. Hussein campaign is putting out about McCain’s skin cancer!

In addition, McCain being smaller in height than B. Hussein did not make a hoot at the debate. That can be laid in the casket as well.

I wouldn’t say “casket” around McCain, he’s a little sensitive…

Moreover, McCain not as sweet looking as The Boy can be hung out to dry.

Um…Do you want to rephrase that, Pastor?

In other words, McCain won the debate because he spoke in-depth on the issues presented. He spoke from his heart, from his head.

He whistled through his nostrils, and yodeled from his colon.

Note also that McCain did not tie himself to George W. Bush.

And in today’s political climate, that took courage.

That can be put in the coffin as well.

Look, Pastor, you’re talking about a man as old as Hoover Dam; I doubt he appreciates your repeating the C-word.

No.  The other C-word.

McCain, being his own conscience and not a cookie cutter copy for any mortal or party, presented himself as the individualist that he sincerely is. That is wisdom honed over time. You can’t beat that.

I defy you to even understand it.

B. Hussein is no match for the wisdom over time. No wonder then that when B. Hussein looked in McCain’s direction, McCain just looked straight ahead — nobly, in fact.

It’s sad how many people these days mistake noblesse oblige for dickishness.

It was as if McCain was thinking, “Let The Boy say what he has to say, he has no idea where I come from.”

And that is the truth.

That McCain’s a racist asshole too?

McCain’s wisdom quotient is so high and clear that B. Hussein has no ladder even beginning to reach the first layer.

Now I understand why Swank hasn’t been producing as many columns per day lately: he attempted poetry without first warming up and gave himself a hernia.   Get well soon, pastor.

None Dare Call It Aphasia

Posted by scott on September 5th, 2008


Pastor Swank is back with an unintelligable title, and a startling scoop:

Why did B. Hussein Obama dodge the topic of extremist Muslim presence? Because he is a mask Muslim.

It’s true.  I saw him wrestle Blue Demon and Mil Mascaras at the Olympic Auditorium.

He and Michelle sat through twenty years of pro-Islam indoctrination from Muslim cohort Jeremiah Wright.

They heard sermon after sermon preached against Jews and whites. Sermonic delivery was all pro-Allah devotees.

I believe the technical term for this is glossolalia.

Further, B. Hussein hires Muslims on his Congressional and campaign staffs.

Hiring illegal aliens from Guatemala is good enough for geniune Americans like John McCain, but Mr. B. Hussein Arugula thinks he has to add a little cumin to the melting pot.

Moreover, B.. Hussein communicates closely with his cousin in Kenya, the latter having run for that country’s presidency. While in New Hampshire campaigning, B. Hussein phoned his cousin to encourage him onto political victory.

Which is a clear violation of the Neutrality Act of 1794, especially if he had money on the race.

It is this cousin who informed the Kenyans that if elected he would establish the dreaded sharia — the so-called justice and legal system that straps youths to poles in public squares and buries those accused of adultery, burying them up to their necks so that their heads can be bashed in.

Sounds brutal.  Nice of him to give the voters a heads-up, though.

B. Hussein says he can communicate directly with Islamic leaders worldwide, including the thug president of Iran. No wonder. They are all of the same club.

Obama signed up with T-Mobile just so he could add Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to his Fave Five.

B. Hussein feigns being “Christian.” He says he prays daily to Jesus. Note: That Jesus is the Islamic prophet Jesus and not the incarnate deity Jesus as recorded in the Bible.

They’re always getting each other’s mail, it’s a huge pain.  But the way you can tell the difference is, only one of them is on the government No Fly list.

B. Hussein has stated that in reading the Koran he is affected by it as reading melodic poetry. The Koran is a bloodletting publication directed as slaughtering all non-Muslims worldwide.

And it doesn’t even rhyme!

If B. Hussein gets onto Pennsylvania Avenue, Muslims will rise up to declare discriminations at right and left. They already espouse contacting the government if discriminated against, such data written on their web sites.

Muslim webmasters state they are for democracy. However, that is a lie. They are for a democracy that serves Islam alone. All other definitions must be erased.

I can’t believe we’re still focused on “terrorists” and “Islamofascists” when the real clear and present danger comes from masked Muslims who operate in the shadows and have the power to delete our comments.

B. Hussein promises America that if elected to the White House he will mesh all religions into one, slicing through the Judeo-Christian heritage of this nation.

Instead of the traditional Communion wafer, priests will be forced to distribute consecrated Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups.

B. Hussein knows there are sleeper cells for Allah throughout North America. He dares not state one word against them for they are going to set loose once January comes around.

That is why it was prudent for Sarah Palin to underline in her speech the absence of any references from B. Hussein regarding extremist Islam. She knows all of the above and is aware of B. Hussein’s alliances to undermine this Republic.

She also knows how hard it would be to shoot a moose in a burqa.

Wingnuts Say the Darndest Things

Posted by s.z. on September 3rd, 2008

The topic on everyone’s mind today: Bristol Palin. 

The main talking points:  (1) the liberals are really mean to have made Sarah Palin’s daughter get pregnant out of wedlock, just to make Sarah look bad; and (2) The pregnancy actually makes Sarah a more attractive candidate to Evangelicals.  This is because the bun in the daughter’s unmarried oven demonstrates that Sarah really is against abortion, and also shows that Sarah and her family are just like them (sinners; parents of rebellious kids who just won’t do abstinence; trailer trash; etc.). 

Here are a few examples.  First, our friend Pastor Swank breaks the news that Bristol Palin did not abort her baby.

Sarah Palin is for abstinence prior to marriage as well as not murdering womb infants.

When her 17-year-old Bristol became pregnant, Bristol did not abort her child. Instead, she is expecting and praying for a healthy human being.

She is also going to marry the baby’s father, handsome hockey hunk Levi Johnston.

Bristol and Levi are like a lot of the couples who get married here: teenaged, no schooling beyond high school, no job skills, and a baby on the way (or already here).  They get married due to parental and societal expectations.  Their marriages usually last about 5 years, and often end in acrimony, financial strain, and with damaged children.  So, although I wish Bristol and her handsome hockey hunk all the best, I think that nobody should see marriage as the panacea for teen pregnancy.

If Bristol had been reared in a theologically liberal household like B. Hussein Obama’s, it very well could be that she would have already aborted her child.

B. Hussein Obama and wife, Michelle, enthusiastically support abortion. In fact, when the Supreme Court outlawed partial-birth abortion, B. Hussein considered the decision horrific.

If Bristol has been reared in Hillary and Bill Clinton’s household, it very well could have been that she would have been encouraged most certainly to murder her womb human.

Or, it could be that if Bristol had been reared by the Obamas or the Clintons, she never would have gotten knocked up in the first place, because she would know about sex and about birth control.  Heck, she might not have even been sexually active, because she might have had a better relationship with her parents, and might have heeded their advice not to have sex until she was older (or to wait until marriage, or whatever it is the Obamas and Clintons tell their daughters).

In any case, I like the Pastor’s new line of political accessories: Womb Humans!  Trade them, collect them, get the whole set!

Next, Michelle Malkin’s latest column (The Four Stages of Conservative Female Abuse) is about how the nasty liberals are treating Sarah Palin just like they treat Michelle, because the libs just can’t stand smart, strong, capable, non-feminist women (you know, women like Michelle and Sarah).  Michelle resorted to using comments from DU and the Huffington Post to try to show just how low the liberals will stoop to invalidate Sarah’s creds — so here’s a comment from one of Michelle’s Town Hall readers:

If I wanted a black president,
I’d move to Africa. If I wanted a marxist/communist president, who’d tax me to death, I’d move to Cuba. If I wanted a Muslim for president, I’d move to Iran. If I wanted all of the above, I’d stay here and vote Obama/Biden.

Thankfully. I now have a choice: McCain/Palin.

I think that the McCain/Palin campaign should make this message into a TV spot, since it would resonate with the kind of people to whom they are hoping to appeal.

Lastly, here are a couple of thoughts from Kathleen Parker’s Palin the Impaled“:

Others have used what should be a private family matter to challenge Palin’s preference for abstinence-only sex education.

Like commenter heydave said, “Johnny McMav sez: it’s a purely personal choice to become pregnant out of wedlock, but a pressing public issue to abort the fetus.”

Were it not for the pain of a teenager who didn’t deserve to be exposed and exploited, the left’s hypocrisy in questioning Palin’s qualifications to be vice president against the backdrop of her family’s choices would be delicious. Instead, it leaves a bad taste.

You know, there was a way to have helped to protect Bristol from being exposed and exploited: all her mother had to do was to TURN DOWN THE VP-NOMINEE OFFER.  If Palin wasn’t running for the second highest job in the land, who (outside of Alaskans) would be paying any attention when the AK governor’s teen daughter married her red-neck boyfriend and had a baby two months later?

Sure, Sarah is free to run on the McCain ticket even though she has a 17-year-old daughter who is 5 months pregnant and feeling kind of vulnerable, but it’s rather disingenuous for anyone to suggest that it’s the Democrats who are exploiting Bristol and exposing her to unwanted scrutiny.

L’chaim! L’Mavet!

Posted by scott on August 11th, 2008

We’ve had a pretty busy weekend, taking in Eddie Izzard’s show at the Kodak on Friday, then catching Paul F. Tompkins at Largo on Saturday with our friend Elizabeth, and to be honest, my vivant isn’t as bon as it used to be.  So let’s just check the cornucopia of low-hanging fruit and see what looks squishy and rotten…

Ann Coulter : Only His Hair Dresser Knows For Sure

Does She Or Doesn’t She (Tuck And Tape)?  It’s cross dresser meets hair dresser in the wackiest romantic comedy of the summer.  “It’s like Priscilla Queen of the Desert meets The Crying Game,” says Premiere magazine.  “Except with more suicides after the press screening.”

Okay, you know what…lower.  Need lower fruit…

Ah!  Pastor Swank!  Perfect for a late Sunday evening snack!

swank.jpg Death to life

As Jesus Christ gave Himself every minute to the Father agenda, so Jesus died out to His own zeal.. He was human, as we are human; therefore, He was tempted in all areas like as we. But He did not sin. He did not yield to the allurements of self-governance.

Remember kids, Democracy = Sin.

Jesus made certain that at every turn — especially when applauded by the masses for miracle producing — that He did not permit Himself to be fooled. He refused the forbidden fruit. He would not bite into that which was hanging on the forever tree in the center of the world’s garden.

I remember when my folks were redoing the yard, my mom wanted to to plant forever trees in the front garden, but fortunately my dad convinced her to go with the Chinese maple and the weeping spruce.

Jesus allowed His very being to be baptized into a sanctified plot outside Himself. He would know nothing until it was revealed to Him.

Jesus was a big believer in spoiler alerts.

This same Jesus has become our Model.

And his swimsuit calender is selling extremely well.

He invites us to be baptized into the death to our own zeal.

Um, gee, I’d love to accept, but I’ve got a wedding to go to…

How many within the courts of religion are overcome with their own zeal? Their energy drives are at fever pitch daily. For what? For the praises. They even hunger for audience approval in the name of Jesus Christ. They have become accustomed, even addicted, to this explosive feeling of ego achievement.

I must say, Pastor, that I’m glad you’re taking the time to expose these attention whores in one of your 5 daily columns posted on 8 different web sites.

The purpose of the cross is to teach this lesson of zeal submission.

Unfortunately, the WWE has ruled “zeal submission” an illegal hold.

Consequently, spiritual leadership must scour their motives to make certain that death to personal drive is real, that they have been baptized truly into the death of Christ in order to know His holiness in life.


God has already proven Himself two thousand years ago. Death was followed with life. Jesus was there to reveal it. Disciples saw and handled it.

Some people freaked, but the disciples, they were totally chill.

Life! “I am the. . .the Life.”

I don’t meant to be critical, but the guy spends three days in a tomb, nothing to do but rehearse, and he still forgets his line?

We then have hope. It is the believing that makes the glory possible. Faith is power in that it propels component into component according to heaven’s scheduling.

But reserve your components early, because heaven’s always overbooked for the Labor Day Weekend.

Yet we want to mix things up so as to be wiser than heaven. We have a plan and it should be thus and that.

Well I think it should be this and those, and I’m willing to schism over it!

We also have a calendar on which to pin the plan. Therefore, we bring this blueprint to heaven for heaven’s smile. We even beg for heaven’s approval. Sometimes we ask other believers to engage their intercessions with yours in order to convince heaven by our amassing numbers.


All this is “of the flesh.”


Indeed, the gracious God is kind in permitting certain glimmers of life even in the baptism to death. Jesus saw the life even while dying.. He saw the life come into the repentant thief’s eyes, then his soul. That was encouraging to Jesus even while tied to the tree.

Wait.  I thought he was nailed to a cross…?

Jesus saw the tearful allegiance of mother Mary, crumpled at the cross’ hole in the earth. As Jesus, Son, looked on at mother’s woe, yet mother not leaving her Son to desertion, Jesus was consoled even while in the last agonies of Golgotha.

Lucky him.  My mother would have gotten bored after half an hour and gone to the 7-Eleven for a pint of Popov and a pack of Bensen & Hedges.

Jesus saw the Roman soldier begin to move away from a callused empire-loyal heart toward recognition that the hanging One might be the long-awaited Messiah.

Yeah, but that Roman soldier thought the same thing about one of those hanging Bill the Cat suction-cup dolls.

There is the newness of life budding even now in your distress. See it. It is there. Then it vanishes.

Newness of life is clearly fucking with you.

At least in this brief time frame, there is more for you to learn from the awful cross cut into your soul’s shoulder. Nevertheless, the newness is birthed where you are now. It will come into full life in heaven’s calendar.

Have faith.

It is true just as it was true in the biography of Jesus Christ.

I’ve got to stop watching A&E.  It’s starting to make no sense whatsoever.

McCain Receives Biker Support In Exchange For Use Of His Old Lady

Posted by scott on August 6th, 2008


McCain sticks to reality base

Pastor Swank was delighted by the way John McCain embraced the Way of the Hog this week, offering the crowds some hard, unvarnished truths, sensible policy proposals, and a peek at his wife’s tits.

John McCain was addressing the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. His speech was reality-based, far different than the fantasy-celebrity-Islamic B. Hussein Obama base.

That’s Obama’s base?   Just goes to show you can’t trust the media, when they continue to report that Senator Obama “has trouble” connecting with Hispanics, working class whites, and imaginary Islamic celebrities.

Reality. It’s becoming increasinly a strange virtue.

I think I’ve got a new motto.  Thanks, Pastor Swank!

Reality means sacrificing one’s own wishes for what is. Reality dictates that self submit to the actual milieu rather than carve out a more convenient travel.

Exactly.  As Robert Frost so movingly wrote:

Two travels diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the travel less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

There is a B. Hussein cult already formed. It is given to the craze. Its members don’t read, don’t heed.

They also don’t knead, don’t speed.  Or weed or seed, I must concede.

When McCain spoke to the bikers, he was more than in his element. They would not tolerate for a second the contrived. McCain gave them reality. He spoke simply the facts. He became one of them.

He drank a case of Pabst and got jumped into the club, then broke a pool cue over a cop’s head and flashed his man-boobs at beauty contest.  That’s a little something we like to call “presidential timber.”

Interestingly and importantly, Cindy McCain brought about the same chemistry when taking the microphone. While quite the wealthy female, she stayed with the reality quotient and matched her audience in splendor.

It was a near thing, but thankfully no other skank managed to out-dress her.

If America wants to remain on track, it must keep to the reality gear.

And stop double-clutching!

That is why the B. Hussein’s doctrine is the Loser Maximum. It is dishonest on so many multi-dimensional levels as to be frightening to the real-thinking citizens of this country. B. Hussein has belonged to a dishonest political plant known as Jeremiah Wright’s church.

Even liberal Hollywood admit this!  (Although in the movie, the name of Jeremiah Wright’s dishonest political plant was changed to “Audrey II” in order to avoid litigation.)

B. Hussein has tied up with dishonest Muslims in Illinois via the Nation of Islam. B. Hussein’s biography is fraught with untruths. His birth certificate is dishonest — a fake. And so forth and so forth.

I’m so filled with righteous rage right now I could scream!, etc., etc.

The decision before this nation is to empower reality from Atlantic to Pacific or wed to the death wish. It is that stark a choice.

So think long and hard before you vote on Proposition 8, which, if approved, will amend the California constitution to define marriage “solely as a union between America and a death wish.”

Can’t Stop The Swanking!

Posted by scott on August 4th, 2008

I should stop.  I should really just stop and go to bed, I know, I know!  But then I found another, slightly older Pastor Swank column that I somehow missed:

When tolerance goes over the line

America is an extremely tolerant nation. Good?

Yes…No!  Wait!  I want to change my answer…!

Now we are overloaded with sweet tolerance to our destruction.

That’s what happens when you let the country load up on sugar.  It gets all hyper.

We are tolerant of B. Hussein Obama. At least a host of us are. He’s lied. He’s lied some more. Sure, other politicians lie and have lied.

But this Obama is wanting the Oval Office. Yet there are those so quickly handing him the forgiveness gavel.

Personally, I would prefer to hand him the Empathy Clown Hammer or the Generosity Meat Tenderizer.

Within hours of his last turn-about, countless numbers informed polltakers that it’s okay now. He’s good. They’re good.

Well, as long as we’re all good…

That tolerance is sick.

As the kids say today…

It lacks strength. It lacks accountability.

It lacks texture.  I’d add some cornstarch as a thickener.

When Obama gets by with these files of lies, he will continue to smooth his craft, just as he has done before. Michelle along with him.

Well at least he files his lies.  Mine are still piled up on top of the printer, and my craft — I admit it — is still pretty rough and splintery.

We are tolerant of Hillary Clinton. She is, like Obama, an outright killer. She murders. She slays. She lets blood. Both of them do every day of their luxurious, comfortable lives.

Nothing like killing people from the comfort of your Lay-Z-Boy recliner.

They spill the blood of unborn children in mothers’ wombs.

Fortunately, their paper towels have “thirst pockets.”

Do they get called to accountability? Many do not care at all whether these two Hitlers are held accountable for cheering for post-birth abortion.

It’s Hitler…And Hitler!  In The Fuhrer Trap!

Is it not sickening that countless Catholics in Pennsylvania gladly informed poll takers that they voted most enthusiastically for Hillary the slayer?

When Conan the Destroyer was a perfectly viable third party candidate.

How can that be? Catholics have a history of pro-life convictions.

And an even longer history of ignoring them when they need abortions and birth control.

So what? Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, and apostates parade across life’s stage proudly every day while killing the unborn.

And that’s hard to do without tripping.  (It helps if you wear flats.)

It’s a tolerance that is so sick that is it evil. Yet these glowing faces continue to sport across our newsfeeds. They receive millions of dollars. They are stroked and stroked again.

[insert joke here]

In Christendom there is such sick tolerance that it is nauseous to the nth.

The Nth always had a tender tummy.

We have active homosexuals, transgenders and what-have-you sex players demanding to be ordained. These mortals have cheering sections prostituting the Amen corners.

On the bright side, Amen Corners are legal in Nevada.

So we are told that Jesus would bless these humans. After all, they are humans with feelings. We are to tolerate them in Christian love.

Clearly we need to gay bash this Jesus dude.

Sodom and Gomarrah are erased from The Book. God’s wrath upon homosexual activity is double-jointed exegetically so as to make the abhorrence passages benign.

I don’t know what this means, but it sounds like one of the better sex shows in pre-revolutionary Havana.

When it comes to illegals, the Pope preaches to his clergy that they are to be tolerant toward illegals. He leans over backwards to be sweet. Yet is not the Pope supposed to be schooled in Scripture, the biblical morality? Where is his definition of the God of the Bible?

God was completely against illegal immigration, which is why he destroyed all those Jews who tried to sneak into Canaan.

Nuns are disappearing from the Earth. They used to be seen in clusters on America’s avenues, shopping, chatting. When was it that you saw a cluster of nuns in habits in your community? Convents are housing elderly nuns waiting to die. Young ones are not suring through those doors to take the vows.

Why don’t nuns sur more?  I blame Vatican II.

There is no need for God when Hillary Clinton and B. Husseni Obama endorse killing womb babies. There is no need for God when Nancy Pelois takes communion. There is no need for God when the Episcopal Church ordains a practicing homosexual.

Well how do you expect him to get any good at it if he never practices?

Pastor Swank Is A…Um… “Saltine.”

Posted by scott on August 4th, 2008


It’s a Sunday evening, and I’m feeling kinda lazy.  So let’s see what ol’ Pastor Swank is up to…

Evangelicals must expose Muslim Obama

As if they don’t have enough to do fighting Darwinism and homo nups.

John McCain presently is into a reality kick to expose B. Hussein Obama. More power to him. He’s on the truth track. The more truth McCain kicks up, the more Obama the Liar will be revealed as the deceiver Boy he actually is.

You know me, I’m always up for a bracing, briny splash of Swankery, but…”deceiver Boy?”  I think the Pastor may be counting a little too much on his customary incoherence to keep him out of trouble (Boy?  Really?  Boy??).  At any rate, if he plans to make a habit of dealing in Jim Crow slurs for the duration of the campaign, he ought to look into some of those “code words,” David Gergen was talking about.

Why evangelicals?

First, they have the most to lose if Muslim Obama gets into the White House. B. Hussein will slice and dice evangelicals for he lives at the extreme other end of the theological spectrum.

‘Cause you know every one of those Negro bucks has a razor in his shoe.

Evangelicals are conservative biblical believers. B. Hussein is a liberal anti-Bible churchmen who says he’s Christian but is far, far from Christian.

Exactly 41.785 meters — a new world record!

Second, evangelicals believe the Bible to be the Word of God. They say they research biblical prophecy.

They also say your donations go to fund missions and charitable works abroad, but a remarkable number of the heathens who receive those dollars seem to be employed in the diamond stickpin and pinkie ring industries.

All the more then that evangelicals must apply their prophetic knowledge to the present spiritual danger-Muslim Obama. He is a snake if there ever was one. He is the arch-fake, given to manipulation maximum.

I’ve heard of the Arch-Fiend, but I freely admit that the “arch-fake” is a new one on me; I’d better check the Good Book…Ah!  Here it is, Revelations 4, Aisle B:  “For there appeareth the figure of man, dark of countenance, who offered to sell me a Rolex at ten percent below cost.  And I rejoiced, and paid him two goats and a skin of wine.  But on the road to Damascus, a man stoppeth to ask me the time, and ‘lo I saw that the hands had fallen like tears from the face of the timepiece, and as I gazed upon it in mine wrath I did behold the name upon the watch, which spake the word “Holex.”

Third, evangelicals are God’s messengers in every age, particularly this one that wars so ardently against divine revelation. In other words, if evangelicals remain silent, God loses His mouthpieces.

Which is completely unconstitutional, because under the 5th Amendment and the 7th Commandment, God is entitled to have an attorney present during questioning.

God needs every spokesman and spokeswoman who is redeemed by the blood of the Lamb.

True, although I admit that Lamb Blood-Covered Spokesmodel was always my least favorite Star Search category.

On Sundays in some quarters, B. Hussein has graced claimed evangelical pulpits to give forth his “faith,” “God,” and “Christian” witness. As sad as this is to the actual disciples, it is reality. Therefore, all the more genuine evangelicals must stand in the gap for biblical truth, sidelining those so-called evangelical leaders.

I didn’t quite understand this paragraph, but it sounds like he’s taking a quick break from the jeremiad to discuss Rugby strategy.

Fifth, evangelicals have their children to protect for the biblical testimony. The parents who say they stand firmly on Scripture as their moral base must assure the future of this Republic for the Judeo-Christian heritage.

That is only going to happen if Muslim Obama never lands on Pennsylvania Avenue.

To be honest, I hope he does land on Pennsylvania Avenue, because I’ve got two hotels there and I’ll bankrupt his ass.

If he does get into the White House, the Koran now placed by George W. Bush in that House library will be lifted by the new President to supplant the Bible.
That will mean that evangelicals’ own sons and daughters will be led to the slaughter. Their religious freedoms will be curtailed. Their worship exercises will be suspicioned. What they hold dear to the soul will be speared through and through.

Worship exercises suspicioned?!  I’d rather be deathed!

This is the time for every evangelical preacher and layperson to get the megaphone to mouth.

Putting it to anus is funnier, but seems to win fewer converts.

There’s Something About Swank

Posted by s.z. on January 7th, 2008

I want to thank Scott for alerting me to the LA Times story about the increasing number of men who are obtaining abortions — I can hardly wait for Doug Giles to do a story on this, because I know he’ll use the term “metrosexual” about five times in his column, and I love these retro pejoratives (without people like Dr. Mike, the great American hippie and the noble Feminazi would be extinct by now).

But I have to say that the LAT missed the boat by not interviewing the #1 expert on male abortions, our old friend Pastor Swank.  I mean, geez, how can you write a piece about male abortions and not talk to the guy who INVENTED the term “womb babies”?  (The LAT could have also asked him about homo nups, and probably got themselves nominated for a Pulitzer, but they blew it.)

And speaking of Pulitzers, I was kind of surprised that the noted journalist Fee Benamon failed to mention that since Jesus isn’t actually running for anything right now, and apparently her boss Alan Keyes isn’t being picked up by a party (not even Ralph Wiggums’ Nose Pickers of America), the guy you should vote for is obviously “Huck” Huckabee, the candidate who is so focused on righteousness and stuff that he doesn’t have time to worry about petty stuff like the Iraq War.  So, here’s Pastor Swank, shedding a little light on both abortions AND who to vote for this fall: ”Moralists take to Huckabee.”First, he will explain why voting for Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton would be worse than voting for Hitler.

Democrats tend to hold to situation ethics, that is, the situation dictates the morality. Therefore, many of their positions do not depend on biblical data. Instead, they depend on political opportunism.That is why Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama enthusiastically can hold to post-birth abortion for they don’t care that the Bible defends the unborn child.

Hillary and Barack both enthusiastically hold to “post-birth abortions” (which I believe the law defines as “murder”)???  The bastards!  Well, even if they are Democrats, I think that’s beyond the pale!

Democrats by and large don’t care what the Bible says; they carve out their own immoral positions, mainly defending homosexual activity. Of course, that kind of defense only furthers AIDS/HIV; consequently, such political defense of sodomy is not only illogical but spreading a dreaded disease.

Yes, the only Biblically-endorsed solution to AIDS/HIV is to stone all gay men.  Any candidate that doesn’t hold to this policy just doesn’t care what the Bible says.  Oh, and a REAL Biblically-based candidate would also endorse stoning adulterers, to solve the syphilis problem; and advocate stoning disobedient children, to end the scourge of juvenile delinquency.  And anyone who doesn’t support stoning witches is only furthering the spread of Harry Potter merchandise!

But on to a guy who DOES care what the Bible says: “Huck” Huckabee, a guy who has kept his priorities straight (and his sexual orientation likewise).

What Huckabee believes about the Pakistani situation does not influence Republicans as much as his ethical base. He may make a few errors in public statements regarding some foreign issues; but that is understandable, Republicans say, for many of the reporters’ questions were flung at Huckabee before Huckabee had a chance to inform himself on the latest issues.

Huckabee himself informed media that he works through the day and night, many times not getting the latest data on news events for he is consumed with the campaign. Republicans by and large don’t blame him for an error or two in that regard. Their main interest is his moral convictions. And those remain steady for most Republican moralists.

Huckabee has been a solid biblical enthusiast for years. Those who consider that commendable will not be swayed by a misstatement he may make to the press regarding world events and so forth.

Yes!  Huckabee was so busy working day and night on his campaign that he didn’t have time to keep up with world events (abd so forth), so it’s the media’s fault that he sounds like an ignoramus, because they should know better than to ask him questions when he’s so busy.  Besides, he is a big fan of the Bible, and there is no mention of the Pakistani situation in either of the Testaments, so how is Huck to know anything about it? 

So, he’s a busy guy who doesn’t have time to read the paper, but who does know that giving civil rights to gays causes AIDS.  Now isn’t that the kind of guy you want as your President, rather than some immoral Democrat who will waste his time dealing with silly stuff like other countries and wars and such?  So, vote for Huckabee — he’s the candidate of ignorance!

P.S.  If you don’t want to vote for Huck, I think you should vote for Suri Cruise, because she’s either the Messiah or the antichrist.

 Explosive claims on Cruise baby | Herald Sun

TOM Cruise is the second-in-command of the Church of Scientology and his daughter, Suri, was conceived using sperm from the dead scientology founder, a new book says.


Andrew Morton’s wild claims include that Cruise’s 20-month-old daughter, Suri, was conceived “like Rosemary’s Baby” – with wife Katie Holmes impregnated with the sperm of dead Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Well, as I recall, Rosemary’s baby was conceived by natural means, the devil stopping by to do the deed in person, and having plenty of fresh sperm handy for just such an occasion.  But that does make me wonder if this might be a good time to do another movie for the book.  Scott already tackled “Days of Thunder,” the movie that led to Tom’s marriage to Nicole Kidman (and to low-level Scientologists reportedly being ordering to plant a whole field of wildflowers for Tom and Nicole to frolic through).  So, do you have any ideas for films that are somehow applicable to the current Cruise situation, so that we might exploit it for our personal gain?  (We could also exploit the Brittany debacle, but that’s kind of croweded right now).  Any suggestions are welcome, as long as they don’t involve me having to watch movies that will make my head explode.

That’s Our Swank!

Posted by s.z. on May 24th, 2006

Blogs Agog Over Google News Censorship!!!

Or so says Noel at “Newsbusters,” which is so agog about Google News’ “censorship”of a few wingnut sites that we fear it may succumb to apoplexy.

And while this blog isn’t all that agog to learn about Google “capriciously terminating its relationship with [the]conservative e-zines and web journals” New Media Journal, The Jawa Report, and MichNews.com for “promoting hate speech viewpoints” in regard to Islam, we were slightly bemused when we heard that somebody at Google had to actually read their stuff.

Here’s more on this important story from WorldNetDaily, via Townhall:

Search engine giant Google has cut off its news relationship with a number of online news publications that include frank discussions of radical Islam ? the New Media Journal becoming the latest termination, as its owner just discovered.

Rusty Shackleford, owner of The Jawa Report, received a similar e-mail message March 29 informing him: “Upon recent review, we’ve found that your site contains hate speech, and we will no longer be including it in Google News.”

Two weeks later, Jim Sesi’s MichNews.com was cut off, with Google providing three examples of “hate speech” by conservative writer J. Grant Swank, Jr.

So, never underestimate the power of the Swank!

BTW, you can find the Swanster’s latest via Google News at such fine wingnut sites as The Post Chronicle (see, for example, “Anglicans Criticize Madonna Cross . . .”) and NewsByUs (“666! : Senate Votes on Homosexual Nuptials on 6-6-06“). So, your Swank fix is still available whenever you get to jonsing for some of that sweet, sweet prose.

But, if you’re like me, you want to know what the Pastor has to say about the most vital issue of our times, the new Tom Hanks’ movie and the novel it was based on. Therefore, allow me to present part of Pastor Swank’s seminal work, END TIMES DEVIL ATTACK AGAINST JESUS: DA VINCI CODE:

Dan Brown’s DA VINCI CODE presents Jesus as merely human, not divine.

This is another attack against the coming Christ. It comes from the devil.

Take that, Opie!

I could not help but conclude that with such good-news headway via Mel Gibson’s “The Passion,” the devil could not sit for long until he would blast thinkers with hell’s definition of Jesus. So there comes DA VINCI CODE making Jesus out to be “just one of us.”

That darn devil, always trying to best God’s box office!

Anyway, speaking of the DaVinci Code, David E. proposes another one of our popular* contest!

I’ve been told that the movie posits a particular person who is the
descendant of Jesus — but I don’t know who, as that wasn’t an element
of the book, which I shamefully did read.

So that could be a fun contest: who would be the funniest person to
claim is the descendant of Jesus? Jackie Mason? Bill O’Reilly?
Possibilities are endless.

They certainly are, David! So send in your entries today!

But to get back to what the blogger are all agog about, here’s more from Newsbuster Noel:

What will the next subject be that serves as a catalyst for Google to promote their unique brand of corporate censorship? Which website will be the next to have it’s Internet presence diminished at the hands of Google’s ?progressive? ideological agenda? WorldNetDaily? JihadWatch? NewsMax??

Not NewsMax!!! Dear God, not NewsMax! For if they are removed from Google News, wherever will we learn about “Men, Hate Rejection? Women Will Approach You First”?

Yet, maybe the wisest insight came from Nathan Tabor at The Conservative Voice: ?Google ALGORithms and AL GORE. The left-wing version of Internet symmetry??

Yeah, Nathan had the wisest insight. I think he said it all.

P.S. While writing this post, I had to wash 2 dogs (they discovered the joy of rolling in mud, and managed to be covered in clay from literally nose to tail, top to bottom), and had a computer die (I think it was the power supply again — I had to finish this on my antiquated computer in my basement that runs on kerosine and AOL 4.0). So, I learned that one disparages Swank at one’s peril!

In any case, start coming up with your ideas for the “Who is Descended from Jesus” contest.

*Popular, in that I like them, in that they force YOU to do the actual work, and they involve no actual judging, no prizes, and no acclaim.